DISCLAIMER: Lost and its characters are the property of JJ Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, Touchstone Television, ABC and Disney. No infringement intended.
SPOILERS: Nothing major, really, but takes place during 4x10: "Something Nice Back Home"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sections in italics are taken directly from the episode.
CHALLENGE: Submitted for the first International Day of Femslash.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Someone Else's Life
"I'm sorry I yelled at you." Juliet truly is sorry. But they never should have been in that situation to begin with. If only Jack wasn't so stubborn. What kind of person wants to actually WATCH his own surgery, to make sure nothing goes wrong?
"Don't worry about it. You had enough going on."
There is a long pause before Juliet decides what to say next.
"You know, he kissed me."
Juliet doesn't need to look at Kate to imagine the hesitant confusion on the brunette's face.
Juliet explains, "The other day, when you came back from the other side of the island, Jack kissed me."
Juliet doesn't know what she expects Kate to say. She supposes that there isn't much else to say, other than, "Oh," which is, in fact, all that Kate says.
So Juliet simply continues, deciding to let Kate know that she's actually trying to be kind, for once, by telling her this. "It was nice. But it wasn't for me, it was for him. I'm pretty sure he was trying to prove something."
Juliet has been trying to avoid making much eye contact, but she finally looks up, allowing herself to look at Kate, really look at her. "That he doesn't love someone else."
Kate has tears in her eyes, but Juliet can see that she is happy. Juliet looks away again, focusing on Jack's stitches. But something in her makes her look back, her eyes skirting across Kate's face.
"Thank you, Juliet. Thank you for saving his life."
And then Kate is gone, leaving Juliet alone. Well, not really alone.
"I know you're awake," she tells Jack. She hopes that he's smart enough not to say anything to her right now.
Juliet can imagine their life together. Kate and Jack's. She does it fairly often, actually. She thinks about what that life might be like, that life that won't be hers.
They will get off the island, and find some way to deal with the issue of Kate being wanted for murder. Juliet wonders where they will go. Most likely not to Iowa, where Kate grew up. Maybe to L.A., Jack's old stomping ground. Maybe somewhere completely different, that won't remind them of the past.
They will be happy. Living together, wherever, enjoying a normal life. They will argue sometimes, sure, like all couples do, but they will always work it out, because if they can get through the extreme circumstances of The Island, then they can get through anything, right? Maybe they will have a child together, a healthy pregnancy, without any damn fertility issues. A child to play baseball with, and teach how to ride a bike, and read stories to. Or maybe they won't have kids, but that's okay too.
But they have to be happy. Juliet hopes that Kate will be happy.
It is painful, imagining this life of theirs, but she keeps doing it anyway. Some kind of horrible compulsion, she supposes. Because as long as it hurts, it shows that she still cares. Whether or not that's a good thing, Juliet still hasn't decided. Sometimes she wishes that she could find a way to be numb to it all. That's the way everyone wants to see her -- unfeeling, uncaring -- so she might as well fit the part. But sometimes she holds on to every ounce of emotion as tightly as she can, because it feels like it's the only thing that's keeping her alive.
Juliet never thinks about herself in this imaginary future-life. Somehow, she has this deep intuition that she will not be leaving with everyone else whenever the helicopter gets back. She's not sure whether she expects to die, or simply to be left behind. She's also not sure if there's a difference. But someone, or something, -- Ben? The Island? -- will not let her leave this place. Juliet was only supposed to be here for six months. It's been more than three years, now.
Regardless, if Juliet tries to think of her own theoretical future-life, her imagination doesn't stretch very far, anymore. So, even though it hurts, she sticks to thinking about Kate, and the life that she will lead with Jack.
Juliet did love Jack, she thinks, at one point. But when he had finally kissed her, she knew that nothing would ever go forward for them. And she was genuinely all right with that. Even in a simple kiss between Jack and Juliet, Kate was always there.
Juliet doesn't talk about all of this with anyone. If she did, she already knows they'd tell her that she's jealous. Jealous of what Jack and Kate have now. Jealous of what she imagines them to have in the future.
It's true, of course, but not in the way that people would assume.
Because when she imagines Jack and Kate together, it's not Jack who fills her with longing. It's Kate.
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