DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters. They're owned by Dick Wolf, NBC and the Powers That Be. I'm not making a profit from this in any way, shape or form. Ive also shamelessly borrowed from several cult movies also, not making a profit. It's all good, clean fun -- well, it may be a little dirty, but it's still fun.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Munch's costume and lyrics belong to Tim Curry's character of Dr. Frank-n-furter from the classic "Rocky Horror Picture Show". If you haven't seen it - you need to. Susan Sarandon as Janet Weiss is worth the cost of admission.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Something Wicked This Way Comes
By Del Robertson



"What's this?" asked Detective Benson, picking up an envelope off her desk. It was small, decorated with orange and black trim.

"Another plot by the powers that be to control our off-duty time," Munch monotoned, holding up an identical envelope from his desk. "We all received them."

"What my partner's trying to say in his usual eloquent way," Fin jumped in, giving Munch his patented no-nonsense glare, "Is that the D.A.'s office is hosting a Halloween get-together this year."

"A party?" Elliot looked up from the case file he had been reading. He rummaged through the mound of paperwork on his desk until he, too, found his envelope. "Those uptight lawyers are actually throwing a party – and they're inviting us?"

"Part of their new PR campaign," Cragen announced from his office door. "They want to show that the white collars and the boys in blue get along. Good for Branch's political image."

"Hunh." Olivia opened the envelope, read the invitation, then promptly threw it in the garbage can beside her desk.

"It's mandatory." Cragen stared pointedly at Olivia. Petulantly, she retrieved the invitation from the trash receptacle.

"But, Cap – "

"Which part of mandatory do you not understand?" Cragen asked, hands on his hips.

No answer. With a smug smirk, Cragen retreated into his office.

Munch approached Olivia's desk, peered over her shoulder. With one long, bony finger he pointed out the dreaded words in bold calligraphic typeset at the bottom of the invitation. Olivia cringed.

"Think he knows it's a costume party?" Munch asked.

Cragen stuck his head out the door again. "And, no uniforms, people."

His door slammed shut, effectively ending the conversation. Stunned, the SVU detectives exchanged pained looks.

"Told you he had the place bugged," Munch said under her breath, sauntering back to his desk.


Detective Benson hovered over the punch bowl. She was thirsty, no doubt about it. But, she wasn't convinced that the green slime in the punch bowl was actually meant for human consumption. It reminded her of something she'd seen oozing beneath a victim's body in an alley the week before last.

She surveyed the buffet table. Someone had definitely gone to a lot of work. Every dish represented reflected a Halloween party theme. Deviled eggs designed to resemble human eyeballs. Vampire bat cookies. The spaghetti was supposed to represent worms, cleverly served atop an "open casket".

Taking a deep breath, Olivia picked up the ladle and a cup. She had just raised her cup to her lips and was about to take a swallow, when she felt a jostling at her elbow.

Olivia quickly spun around, ready to give the clumsy s.o.b. a piece of her mind. She stopped, mouth dropped open, eyes bulged out. "Alex!" Ms. ADA herself. Well, well, well. "That's – a great outfit, Alex."

"Thanks." Alex grinned broadly, spun around so Olivia could take in the full outfit.

Alex was dressed in a pair of red stiletto heels. A black, leather mini skirt covered a pair of fishnet stockings. I wonder if she's got a garter to hold those stockings up? A bright red barely-there leather halter top somehow miraculously stayed in place, prominently displaying an ample amount of cleavage. Blonde locks had been shaped into large curls that hung over both shoulders. Alex stood there, one hand on her cocked hip, the other toying with a large, beaded necklace. She popped a large pink bubble in Olivia's direction.

"A – hooker. Alexandra Cabot is a hooker."

"I moonlight." Alex grinned. "Just don't tell Branch."

Olivia couldn't bite back the laughter that rose in her belly at the thought of Branch discovering one of his prissy A.D.A.'s was a criminal prosecutor by day, call girl by night.

A sudden frown. "Don't tell me you were going to drink that?" Alex asked, pointing disdainfully at the cup of green gel.

Olivia shrugged. "Thought I could handle it. I've seen worse, you know."

"I'm quite certain you have, Detective. But I don't think the taxpayers expect that of even you. Something about above and beyond the call of duty and all that."

"Yeah, well." Wow. She's playful tonight.

"Interesting choice in costumes, detective."

Olivia shrugged. "We didn't get our invites until Friday night. The whole squad had to scramble this weekend to find something to wear."

"Hence the Fifties Biker-look?"

Olivia nodded, turning full circle so Alex could take in her outfit. Black leather boots. Tight blue jeans, strategically ripped at the knees and left buttock. White tee tucked into her faded jeans. A black leather motorcycle jacket with a phoenix emblazoned on the back, collar pulled up.

"Is it me?" asked Olivia.

Alex nodded. "Still, I'm surprised you didn't just come as a police officer."

"Cragen said no uniforms." Olivia's eyes swept the room. "Good thing, too, I guess. Otherwise, you'd have a room full of nothing but police officers."

"Pity." Alex pouted out her bottom lip. "I was looking forward to being cuffed and frisked tonight."

Olivia nearly spat out her drink. As it was, it went down the wrong way, causing her to cough and hack. Was that a pass? Hoping she wasn't blushing a bright red, Olivia attempted to nonchalantly set her cup back on the table.

"Oh, well. I like bad girls, too." Blue eyes sparkled mischievously. "Are you a bad girl, Liv?"

"You know what they say," Olivia smirked. "When I'm good, I'm very good. But, when I'm bad, I'm better."

"And do you have a motorcycle to go along with that bad girl biker image?" purred Alex, sidling up to Detective Benson, running her manicured fingernails along the upturned collar. She leaned in close, delivering the next few words in whispered tones. "If you won't - or can't - cuff me, maybe you'll take me for a ride. I just love the feel of something vibrating between my thighs."

"I – I – I – " Smooth, Benson, real smooth.

"I vant to drink your blood."

Something swooped down, nipping at Olivia's neck. She abruptly turned, slapping Elliot away. Thanks for the save, she thought, But don't save me too much, big brother.

Alex retreated to a respectable distance. She eyed Liv surreptitiously as she made inane small talk with Elliot. Was that a blush on the normally tanned complexion of Detective Benson? A smirk broke out on Alex's face. She'd been fantasizing about this night ever since Serena Southerlyn had told her how she'd walked up on Liv staring at Alex while she was filing in her office last week. Or more accurately, in Serena's own words, I thought about getting her a bib, she was drooling over your tight ass so much.

Alex licked her lips. Those jeans look so good on her. Mmmm. They're tight in all the right places. Alex sneaked a look at Liv's denim-clad ass. The back of Liv's tee had ridden up, revealing an expanse of tanned flesh. Alex stepped in closer beside Detective Benson, scrumptiously laying her hand on the small of Liv's back. She trailed her nails slowly over the tanned flesh. She felt a little jolt, a squirm from Liv, but other than that, no reaction as she continued her conversation with Elliot. Alex's fingers trailed lower. Wow. Going commando tonight, Liv? Alex's nails lingered just below the waistband of her jeans.

Wonder what she'd look like wearing those jeans with my strap-on underneath? Her lying on top of me, jeans unbuttoned and unzipped, my fingers hooked inside her belt loops? Alex felt the moisture between her legs, adjusted her stance. Maybe I should stay in character; Tell her fifty for a blow, a hundred for a fuck. Bet that'd get her real hot.

"I thought big scary guys like you went more for treats like our Counselor." Whew. Sorry, Alex. Just needed to divert your attention for a second while I regain my composure. As soon as it's socially acceptable to do so, I'm planning on backing the esteemed Counselor Cabot into a bathroom stall, slide my hand between her thighs and ask her if she's serious.

Olivia took in Elliot's costume. Dressed head to toe in black, with a black cape and his hair slicked back. The finishing touch to his costume was the set of vampire fangs, resplendent with dripping fake blood.

"You best be keeping your fangs off that treat," came Fin's deep baritone.

Fin sauntered up to the trio doing his best cool-daddy walk. He wore a purple fedora with a burgundy cape over a sparkling jumpsuit. His alligator loafers were shined to the max. He had enough gold chains on his neck to open his own jewelry store. And, the gold in his filling matched the gold on the top of his cane. He stepped up to the group, tapping his cane twice on the wooden floor.

"Fin!" Alex hugged Fin warmly. "My very own pimp daddy."

"You two plan this?" Elliot asked suspiciously.

"Naw, man. But I figured, a guy like me, bound to get the ladies anyway." Fin glanced around the buffet table, picked up a Vienna sausage shaped to resemble a human finger and scarfed it in one bite. "You guys staking out the punch bowl or what?"

"I spotted the two most beautiful women in the room and had to come over," Elliot layed on his thick Transylvanian accent.

Alex shrugged. "Liv and I were just eyeing the punch bowl, trying to figure out if that green slime was toxic."

"Speaking of ugly," Elliot turned to Fin, "where's your partner?"

"Aww, man. Don't tell me he's not here?"

"Haven't seen him."

"Cap's gonna be pretty mad if he ditched," Elliot poured a cup of punch, sniffed it, poured it back into the bowl.

"He'll be here," Alex spoke up. "I ran into him at the precinct this morning. He said he was still looking for the right costume."

"How hard can it be to dress up as a secret agent? All you need is a trench coat and a top hat." Elliot snickered. "Bet he's already got the trench coat at home."

"Is that what he's going to be?" asked Liv, looking at Alex. Can't you excuse us or something, say you've got to powder your nose?

Elliot shrugged. "Don't know. He wouldn't tell me."

"Me, either. I'm thinking he might come as that dude from the X-Files." Fin surveyed the room, searching for his missing partner. No sign of him. "There's Haung. What do you think a therapist would make of that?"

All eyes turned in the direction of Fin's gaze. Haung was on the dance floor, getting down with a wicked witch. The psychiatrist was dressed as Superman, complete with red cape and blue tights.

"Maybe Munch is coming as a superhero?" suggested Elliot. Eyes rolled at his suggestion. "Or not."

"Anyone seen Cragen?" asked Liv. "Don't tell me he skipped."

"I saw him earlier with Branch," offered Alex. "They were dressed as Bush and Clinton."

"I could see Munch as Nixon," Fin guessed. "His chance to make a political statement and all."

Liv raised her cup to her lips, braving a taste. Not too bad. Alex reached out a well-manicured hand resplendent with hot pink nails and took the cup from Liv. Dumbfounded, Liv watched as Alex took a sip, returned the cup to her. Turning the cup to the side with the lipstick smear, she locked gazes with Alex. Blue eyes stared at her, daring her. She licked the rim, risked a mouthful.

"What the - ?!?" Liv sputtered, the contents of her mouth spraying everywhere. Her friends stared at her, mouths hanging open. "Sorry. Thought I saw something across the room. I guess I was wrong." Tell me I didn't see what I just thought I saw. In unison, heads turned in the general direction Liv had been looking.

Something was definitely going on near the stage. The band had abruptly stopped playing. The lights flickered, went down, then flickered once again. When they came back up, the entire room was bathed in a freakish luminous strobe light. An electric guitar belted out a familiar chord. The curtain parted. As did a sea of dancers and partygoers. All eyes were riveted to the stage.

A stagelight focused on the silhouette of a man, back to the audience, draped in a black cape, the collar turned up. As the guitar amped up, he turned, hands on hips, facing the crowd. All eyes were glued to his white face paint, his ruby red lips and his dark eyeshadow and long lashes.

"No, he didn't - " Elliot's mouth dropped open.

"Don't get strung out by the way I look - don't judge a book by its cover."

The black cape was thrown off, revealing the white pearl necklace. Black gloves stretching up to his elbows. The black corset and stockings with garter belt. He leapt off the stage, into the audience.

"I'm not much of a man by the light of day - But by night, I'm one hell of a lover."

"I didn't know they made black pumps in a man's size thirteen." Alex openly stared at the man sauntering in the high heels - making a path straight towards Branch and Cragen.

"Let me show you around. Maybe play you a sound." He shimmied down Branch's backside, openly cupped Cragen's flapping jowls in a well-manicured hand. "You both look kind of groovy."

"Think we found your partner," smirked Olivia. Fin bit back a groan, dropped his head into his hands.

The crowd moved to the side as Munch sauntered towards the buffet table. Common sense said to run, but the detectives and their A.D.A found themselves unable to move. He came up to Alex and Olivia, catching them around the shoulders, hugging them to him tight.

"Why don't you stay for the night? And maybe a bite?" He blatantly licked his lips, open air kissed Olivia. "I could show you my favorite - " locked eyes with Elliot. " - obsession."

Munch left both women standing there, gaping like a pair of large-mouth bass. He shimmied and sauntered over to Elliot, running his nails across Stabler's stubble, over his shoulder and then draped down his back.

"So, come up to the lab and see what's on the slab." With one arm around Detective Stabler, Munch purposely turned and fixed his gaze on his partner. Fin's eyes grew wide. "I see you shiver with - " Pushing off of Stabler, he sidled up to Fin. " - anticipation." A decidedly masculine hand with very feminine nail polish stroked through Fin's ponytail. "But maybe the rain isn't really to blame - "

"Man!" Fin swatted Munch's hands away. "Get off of me, Munch!"

Munch placed his hands on both hips, pouted out his bottom lip, rolled his eyes, stamped his foot. "Dammit, Janet! Call me Dr. Frank-n-furter!"

The End

Return to Law & Order: SVU Fiction

Return to Main Page