DISCLAIMER: Star Trek, and all the main characters are owned by Paramount, A Viacom
Star Trek Voyager. Created by Rick Berman, Jeri Taylor & Michael Piller
Based on Star Trek created by Gene Roddenbury
This is a piece of fiction, concerning an implied F/F relationship (PG13). If anyone objects to same sex relationships, you should not be on this sight, and should read the Star Trek Range of Novels from Pocket Books, or find another sight.
This fic is based on a wired conversation, AP, Ralst, and myself had on the 'The Darkside' message board.
DEDICATED TO: Caro, who let me use The Darkiside message board, on Perfect Misfits, AP, who let me use his part of the conversation, Dee, my dear Beta Reader, who allowed me to pinch part of one of her fics, & Rachel, who not only let me use chunks of her conversation, but allowed me to raid her muse, which can be found on Passion and Perfection.
Captains log Stardate: Oh smeg who cares!!
We're stuck, as usual in a vast wasteland of nothing!!
B'Elanna and Seven are blissfully happy though. After our defeat of The Powers That Be, they haven't left B'Elanna's quarters, and Ensign Caro has requested extra sound proofing for her room!
I have not had any sex, since Sven Groan Erickson, and I am getting more and more desperate. To help control my sexual urges, I have drunk my entire coffee ration for two months, in two days. It is getting so desperate, that I have started to fantasise about Chuckles again.
I need a man, and quickly, or I am going to explode!
I wonder if that wonderful Michael will turn up. What I wouldn't mind to see his 'fountain pen!'
Sorry log I have to go and change my underwear!
Just then there was a flash, and Voyagers Command crew found themselves in sitting, surrounding a boxing ring, in a beautifully ornate marble room.
"This must be the final resting place, of my ancestors."
Janners rolled her eyes, and swore at him under her breath. "Honestly Chuckles, it's obviously Heaven."
Seven rolled her eyes "It's Valhalla."
"Actually Seven, the Doctor stated, "you will find it is Silicon Heaven!"
"You are all wrong."
Said an American voice from behind them "It is the Fic Continuum, better known as the Harrods food hall!"
"Hey aren't you the new Captain of the Starship VJB?" Tom Paris asked.
Actually he said Ee'ore! As he was still a donkey, however luckily that amazing bit of techno-babble, the universal translator, turned it into good old perfect English, so that the rest of the world, nay the universe, could understand him!
"Yeah! Hi I am Deejay, and this is Steff."
"Hi." Steff mumbled, her mouth full of popcorn!
"Err.excuse me, Captain Deejay, can you tell me what is going on?" Janners asked, so this week plot could be explained to the lowest common denominator!
"Sure Captain, it's fairly simple really. After Michael sacked Ralst, from command, some of the crew got a bit uppity, so they designated Rachel, that's her real name, as Deputy Omnipotent ficer, or Vice Omnipotent ficer, as she likes to call herself!!
Anyway, she has decided to challenge Michael for the title, Chief Omnipotent ficer."
"So who are you backing then?" B'Elanna asked Dee.
"I am backing Michael, he's so dreamy!"
"Yes, he is," Janners replied, with a far away look in her eyes.
"I am backing Rachel, she's kind and nice", Steff said, plucking some more popcorn, from the box on Dee's lap. (Sorry, Steff, I have some how turned you into George from Rainbow!).
"Rachel! She can't even finish Pride and Prejudice in Space, let alone run the whole multiverse!"
A full-scale argument was going to brake out between the two ficers, except for the distorted blare of a trumpet.
"G'day, I am Odon, and the W.W.F.F, (World Wide Ficers Federation), welcoming you to the bout of the Century. Forget Lewis vs. Tyson, this is Bater vs. Ralst!"
"Isn't that right, TJ?"
"That's correct Odon, I can't wait for the main event to come."
"But first here is the highlights to the Scottish Premier League, but that's boring, so we will show you a rerun of Leeds AFC v Liverpool FC.
It was after the rerun of the Football match, (that's soccer to all you heathens out there!), and the Fic Continuum's main open space (the Harrods food hall to all those with short term memory problems) was filling with the five hundred odd members of VJB.
"The excitement is growing", Odon drooled in his Aussie accent, "and you can cut the tension with a carving knife."
The MC (Troy) stood up in the middle of the ring. "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the main event, sponsored by Yahoo, (slogan, "give us an E-mail address and we will fuck it up") the battle of the millennium, better than Lewis v Tyson, better than the 'rumble in the jungle.' It is Bater v Ralst!"
"In the Blue Corner, we have the Chief Omnipotent ficer, and undisputed ficer of the multiverse, Michael S Bater!"
The P.A system came to life, with the 'Ace of Spades,' by Motorhead, and out walked Michael, resplendent in his jeweled green battle short's.
Just then Michael was yet again mobbed by a crowed of adoring young groupies, all screaming, "Michael, we love you!"
Michael muttered under his breath, and ignored them.
He stepped into the ring, and sat on the stool, while his trainer gave him last minute advice.
The MC spoke again. "In the Red Corner, we have the challenger Ralst!"
The tannoy, came on again, to the sound of the '1812 Overture,' composed by Peter Tchaikosky, and out walked Ralst, strangely enough wearing a red cocktail dress, and a home made perm, that made her look like Kevin Kegean!
The audience started laughing, and Michael glared at them, and they shut up, they may be contesting the prize of the greatest ficer in the multiverse, but they were still mates, and Michael has always been protective of his mates!
"She's been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Dee whispered to Steff,
"I know, but with the end of any new Voyager, and Channel 4 rescheduling Enterprise every week, that and Farscape are the only decent science fiction/fantasy programs going!"
Just then, Steff, pulled a piece of parchment paper and a quill pen from thin air, and started to write:
To the Director General of the BBC
Your Greg Dykeness,
Now that Star Trek Voyager has finished on BBC 2, instead of the countless repeats of Star Trek The Next Generation, (though we all love it, and tomorrows episode, Yesterday's Enterprise, is one of the best), would it be possible to put on repeats of some good old BBC Science Fiction programs, such as Doctor Who, (but not Genesis of the Dalks, you put that on all the time, how about the Sylvester McCoy seasons?), or Blake's Seven?
Yours in Humbleness,
Ps I have written a rather good story about two people stranded in a Snow covered wilderness, who gradually fall in love. It would make a rather good BBC 4 play!
"Wow, Steff," Dee said looking over her shoulder, "with everything done on computers now a days, not many people can write with pen and paper anymore!"
Steff just shrugged her shoulders and turned the letter into a paper dart, and let it fly, and it disappeared in a puff of ficer's magic!
"LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!" The MC screamed, and Steff looked around in panic, just in case Ant and Dec appeared!
"Our Referee for tonight is AP Stacey."
"I want a good clean fight, no biting, licking, fondling, stamping, painting, renting, copying or twitching"
"Lets get it on!"
"As the two combatants get ready for their big fight, lets look back at what exactly started this battle, in this extract from the 'The Darkside Message Board:'"
Ralst: No, we're omnipotent
Michael: Do you mind? I thought I was the omnipotent one around here, as I sacked you as Captain, and replaced you with Dee!
Ralst: I'm no Captain, I'm a God!
(Applies home perm and squeezes in red cocktail dress)
Here, minions...good, Jinxie-pooh!
"She Who Must Be Worshiped"
Michael: Dear sir, I kindly ask you to step outside! (Slaps Rachel with glove!)
Name the hour and the weapon, and I and my trusty Lt, (Dee) will meet you in the Rose Garden!
As for having a home made perm. If you want to look like Kevin Kegean, that is your fish to fry!
Ralst: (Looks down /frowns/ looks down again).
Checks once again.
"Some omnipotent being he is"
Michael: "Tisk women, you are trying my patience! Surrender now honourable wench, or feel the steel of my blade!
Ralst: "I am omnipotent, what you mere mortals do is of little concern to me...Now where did I put that TV remote?
Oh Great One - or RalSt to her high priestesses.
Michael: "Damn you to Hades and Back!! It was going to be a fair fight, but the gloves are so going to come off now!!"
"Ding, Ding round one", the bell sounded, and the two Omnipotent beings sat down crossed legged, with their laptops, balanced in their laps.
"So Odon, how is this fic off going to work?" TJ asked, as the two ficers got down to work, even though commentator knew.
"I do not know." Odon replied lying, though of course he did know, he was just filling out time in what was a boring round. "Lets ask our resident expert, BT!"
Excuse me I am an Astrophysicist, not a sports journalist!
Oh just bear with me BT!
And anyway why do I look like Albert Einstein?
Sorry just been reading 'Universe in a Nutshell', by Stephen Hawkings, and there is rather a good photo of old Albert in there, so now I seem to picture you as that picture!
BACK TO THE STORY!
"So BT, how does this special bout work?"
"Well it's simple, each of the ficers, reads off a fic, and the judges judge on style and damage to the opponent!
"Well looking into the ring at the present, I say that Michael has started on the Angst.
Lets take a listen:
"Lana?" Seven asked as she entered the door, of their quarters. There was no reply, but she could here distinct sobbing coming from the bedroom.
"Oh my god!" She whispered as she entered the room, for inside the cot was the still form of Miral Toress - Hansen
Seven-scooped Miral up out the cot, the body was cold, but Seven still clung to the desperate hope that the Doctor could do something
"I am sorry B'Elanna, Seven" The Doctor said as gently as he could, "its too late."
"Kahless, no, please, no," B'Elanna cried as she ran over to the bio bed, where her daughter lay. "Seven can't you use some of your nano probes."
"No Lana," Seven answered, gently tuning the bereaving Klingon towards her.
As B'Elanna cried into Seven's chest, Seven held her tight, protectively. Her own tears flowing.
Then another story extract flowed out from the computer:
I can't believe it is happening!
I am walking her down the isle, my Seven. The only person I have ever loved, and I am walking her down the isle.
Outside I am all happy and smiling. Inside I feel like shit!
I can't believe so much has happened in the last eighteen months, since we got back to Earth.
It all started when I accepted the Admirals position. B'Elanna was married to Tom, and Seven, my beautiful Seven, was Chakotay's partner.
That is when I realized that I loved her, the ache in my heart, when Chakotay broke the news, at the celebration banquet, which Starfleet had put on.
I knew that wouldn't last, and when they split after a couple of months, I could have had her; I even offered her a post working with me in Starfleet.
But she had been offered a post as the Enterprises' new Operations Officer. Seven accepted of course, she needed to be with Tom and B'Elanna, the flagships new Chief Engineer, and Helm Officer.
After that, it went down hill.
Ralst reeled at this double whammy, and was lucky that the bell for the end of the round had been struck.
"I believe that is respectively, scenes from Snow Thoughts, Michael's Snow challenge response, and Marriage, ironically Ralst's own set challenge about T/7, but in Janeway's point of view!"
"That is correct TJ, and look some of the judges are crying, looks like the champion has got this round in the bag!"
"Yes he certainly hasn't pulled his punches."
"More on that after this commercial break!"
Janeway looks horrified at Steff and Dee, who were giggling away quietly to themselves. Isn't this a bit violent, I thought they were mates?"
Steff giggled again, clearly stoned. "It's fixed captain, it's like WWWF, of the C20th, and C21st!"
"So who knows about it?" said zoned B'Elanna, sleepily, from her position on Seven's lap."
"Just us main ficers," Dee replied.
She looked at the darkened area on the other side of the hall, only illuminated by the glow of reading lamps.
Seven of Nine plucked the spliff, from Steff's fingers, and took a tote.
She focused her Borg enhanced eye, on to the darkened area, and saw rows and rows of figures sitting on bean bags, wearing anoraks, hunched over computers.
She involuntary shuddered.
"Luckers corner!" Steff replied to Seven's unasked question, with a touch of fear in her voice.
"We were all there once, but luckily some of us managed to escape, through fic writing and befriending ficers."
"The pull of the place is extremely strong, if you are strong enough, you can stay outside, but if you are even stronger, you can come in and out when you please. There are only a few people who can do this, and Michael is one of them."
"Those poor saps in there still haven't found a way out, and some of them will never will!"
Round two got underway, and it was Ralst's turn.
For her weapon she turned to humor:
"Seven, what are you doing?"
"Affixing a mirror to the corridor."
"So that I can see who is coming around the corner."
"So that I have enough time to change direction and decrease my chances of meeting certain people."
"Shouldn't you be in engineering Lieutenant?"
"No, I'm off duty. So come on who are you hiding from?"
"I am not hiding from anyone."
"Okay, but who do you wish to decrease the chances of meeting?"
"It is not really any of your concern."
"Oh look, the Captain's coming."
Michael was stunned by this extract from 'Behind You', but before he could recover Ralst followed it up from an extract from 'Please seduce my husband!'
"I want you to seduce Tom."
"Seven are you okay?"
"Did you just ask me to seduce your husband?"
"Then no Lieutenant I am not okay, I believe I am suffering from hallucinations of the worse kind."
"Stop making a fuss, I only asked you to seduce him, you don't actually have to sleep with the guy."
"What was that?"
"Fine. All I want for you to do is maybe kiss him a little, possibly get him into a horizontal position."
The crowd loved it, Michael was visibly shaken. Luckily the bell went just in time.
Round three came, and Michael was not taking any prisoner's and he immediately started with an extract from 'Wedding Days.'
B'El looks at Seven "There is something intrinsically wrong with all of this. It needs to be fixed. It can't stay this way. Can't you see that?"
Seven thought about what all had transpired, knew that it was a risky pathway that they had embarked on, but could not fathom that there was something wrong. It all felt so right. She bent her head in frustration.
B'Elanna could stand it no more, she reached for the ex-borg, held her gently and investigated her face as if it was the first time seeing her, and it was, this close, in this light. She leaned forward and smelled her scent, sniffed her cheek and lunged, teeth bared.
The move took Seven by surprise, but when she felt the teeth sink into her, and blood burst forth, but she smiled contently. "Now, things are much better and nothing is wrong."
B'El smiled, and lapped up the escaping blood, growling in her pleasure. "I am going to have to face Tom and explain to him how wrong it would be to go through with the wedding. Although, technically speaking, I am already married!"
The two women smiled at the matching marks on their cheeks.
"My god, look at that!" Odon exclaimed, "AP has yellow carded Michael. That has never happened before!"
"Well technically he did pinch Dee's fic!"
"Don't get into semantics TJ, this is Michael he is the Omnipotent, he can do what he wants!"
"Well, yeah, but that's not British, it's a bit below the belt!"
Odon stopped the conversation heading into an on air argument. "Well there seems to be a heated debate between the ref, and the two combatants! Lets go over and listen in."
TJ switched off the broadcasting equipment. "Hey Odon, this is not in the plan, has anyone told AP this is fixed?"
"Don't look like it!"
"Shouldn't we do something?"
"Why bother, this might make this interesting!"
In the ring Michael was arguing that, as he was Omnipotent, he was the multiverse, so technically, anything inside the multiverse was part of him, then therefore his to do what he wanted with!!
After that he sat down and swallowed the couple of aspirin that Ralst had given him.
AP refused to budge on the issue, so the yellow card stood.
"Thats an omnipotant yellow card for you boy, any more arguing with the referee and ill disqualify you and hand the match to ralst, understand?"
"Lets get it on!"
The next round started, and Ralst huddled down over her computer.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single person in possession of a good starship, must be in want of a marriage partner. However little known the feelings or views of such a person may be on their first entering a quadrant, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding crews, that he or she is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their single crew members.
"My dear Captain Janeway," said her first officer to Kathryn one day, "have you heard that Deep Space 9 is let at last?"
Captain Janeway replied that she had not.
"But it is," returned he, "for Neelix has just been here, and he told me all about it."
Captain Janeway made no answer.
"Do you want to know who has taken it?" Cried her first officer impatiently.
"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."
This was invitation enough. "Why, my dear captain, you must, Neelix says that Deep Space 9 is taken by a young man of large fortune from the Delta Quadrant; that he came down on Monday in a Mark II shuttle to see the place, and was so delighted with it that he agreed a price with Captain Sisko immediately; and that he is to take possession before the Bajoran Festival of the Dead, and some of his crewmen are to be in the station by the end of next week."
"What is his name?"
"Is he married or single?"
"Oh! Single, my dear captain, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five million bars of gold pressed latinum a year. What a fine thing for our crew!"
"How so? How can it affect them?"
"My dear Captain Janeway" replied her first officer, "how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of him marrying one of them."
"Bloody hell, now AP has yellow carded Rachel, for using 'Pride & Prejudice in Space' a half finished fic, what the hell is he playing at?"
In the middle of the ring, all hell had broken out, as supporters from both sides had invaded the ring trying to lynch AP, who was being protected by the powers of the two Omnipotent.
"Good one AP!" as Michael froze time.
"Well, how did I know that this match was fixed?"
Ralst cursed, not only at AP ignorance, but the fact that Michael could stop time, a thing that though she had practised hard, she couldn't quite master! "How long have you been a VJB'er?"
"Only a year or so, but I have been lurking a lot lately."
"Well we better think of something or your fellow lukers are going to find out we have been having them on for years!" Ralst finished with a withering look!
A brain wave suddenly hit AP. "Hey all these years of VJB fic offs, has anything happened to the ref?"
Michael grinned a devious grin, and plonked himself down next to Ralst, and they both busily started to reread past fic offs.
"AP, you're a genius," Michael congratulated his fellow Brit, "According to this, nothing has ever happened to the ref!"
Ralst and Michael whispered to themselves for minute or so, and two dirty grins appeared on their faces.
AP swallowed nervously.
"Right," Exclaimed Michael, "lets get this show back on the road!!"
"How do I know what is going on?"
"Don't worry AP," Ralst said, without trying to laugh, "You'll know when the time is right." She flicked her hand, and everyone in the ring, got back to their original places. She flicked her finger again, and time started again.
Ding; Ding "round five!" The MC shouted.
The two combatants moved back into the centre of the ring, when suddenly, Michael turned to the ref.
"Hey AP, just heard that a ficer is trying to destroy more starships than you!"
"Not only that," Ralst joined in, "but it is a J/7 fic as well."
"No!" Screamed AP, and shot off in a cloud of dust, to the nearest computer keyboard.
"That's unbelievable!" Shouted an excited Odon, "That has never been done before, has it TJ?"
"That is certainly true Odon, and the crowed certainly loved it!"
The MC got back onto the stage. "My Lords, Ladies and Gentleman. The result for the main event of the night."
There was a pause while the judge's results were collected. "Michael, Reining Champion. 10 points, 10 points and 10 points. All together 30 points. Ralst, the challenger. 10 points, 10 points and 10 points. All together 30 points!
I declare this fic off to be a draw!"
For the second time that night there was pandemonium in the ring, as the two joint champions, were raised up on shoulders.
After a couple of minutes, Michael flicked his fingers, and the crowd in the hall disappeared!
Ralst and Michael stood alone, in the center of the ring, with only Dee, Steff, and the Voyager Command crew for company.
"Now that's over, fancy a pint?" Michael enquired.
"Yeah why not!"
Steff and Dee looked pleadingly at their two favorite ficers. "All right," sighed Ralst, "you can come too."
She flicked her hand, and the two women disappeared.
"Hey what about us?" Janeway moaned.
"What about you?" Michael enquired.
"Well aren't you going to get us home?"
Michael whispered to Ralst. "Really, some mortals, they just take the biscuit!"
He snapped his fingers, and Voyager found itself on the edge of the Beta Quadrant.
"Where's Quew?" Ralst suddenly asked.
"Can't you remember, she went off to annoy the remaining Powers That Be, by starting the Q Continuum, with the actor John De Lanci!"
"That's right. God, I have to cut back on the whackey backie!!"
"Hey! I have another thought!"
"Calm yourself Rach, you'll burn yourself out!"
Ralst, playfully slapped Michael on the arm.
"Why don't we rule the multiverse together, I mean we will be unstoppable, and we can be benign dictators, forcing the multiverse with love and peace, in a Huxley, Orwell type of way!"
Michael slipped his arm into Rlast's. "You know Rachel, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship!"
Ralst beamed, "You think? Cool! You know I had this other idea of mating your Acme, 'GM' Ants, to my Hornets. We.
The two omnipotent beings, continued to discuss what they would do to the 'Star Trek multiverse,' walking into the sunset, with the song 'Time's go by,' playing in the background!
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