The rain was falling outside, softly tapping down on our windowsill while we laid in each other's arms in the twilight of that night. I remember running my hand up the inside of your arm feeling the sweat of our lovemaking slick under my fingers, salty on my lips, and the shudder of your body when I happened upon a sensitive spot. I remember how you would look into my eyes, smiling so sweetly, biting your lower lip while looking up at me. We said 'I love you' firmly without waver though perhaps whispers were all that was necessary in the closeness of our bedroom. We didn't care that the walls were paper-thin. These are all things I remember of that foul rainy night.
At the time we had been living together for almost three years and though we had had our share of problems we seemed blissfully happy. Our love was for me the one thing I was truly proud of, though your life was lived undeniably more privately; only your closes friends knew we were more than roommates. A lot of that secrecy came from the fact that your mother not only didn't know of our love but would never accept it if she did. But, as is so often said happiness is always accompanied by sorrow and ours was no exception, though at the time 'ignorance truly was bliss' and these things were not at the forefront of my mind. In the afterglow of our passion, we met in a tangle of lips and limbs, our bodies resting together curve into curve, breathing in our combined scents. I remember how the warmth of your body flowed through me in to my very bones until I was truly at peace with the world until my heartbeat matched your own. We had our heads rested on one pillow and while looking deeply into each other, our eyelid fell heavily blinking, smiling like our mouths, and we began to drift into the fluffy whiteness of our pillow's enchantment.
Our bodies jolted at the sudden cursing of the phone. I sighed and turned an evil glare on the phone, the intruder on our quiet reverie only rang on incessantly.
You smiled slightly at my sour expression and rolled over to look at the CallerID. Your face fell, "it's my mom," you whispered like she could hear you already. I fell silent as you picked up the offender from its cradle. "Hello?"
"DYKE," you flinched. "YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL."
Having over heard the yell I bolted up right in bed and stared at the phone you held in anger and confusion.
"Mom?" You asked your other hand shaking across your cheek rubbing the wetness into your soft pale skin.
-Thunk- the dial tone rambling on as the phone fell from your limp hand and crashed to the floor.
I remember asking, "Honey, are you ok?" While watching you sit there staring at the walls, crying, rocking yourself back and forth. I moved to see your face, to sit beside you at the edge of the bed but when I looked into your eyes I saw nothing, only the dark of the night as the rain pounded hard on the glass pane of our window and the lighting flashing across your, once smiling, hardened face. There seemed new lines of age to you that your years hadn't accounted for, your mouth that had been so soft, so warm and wet, minutes ago had turned parched, puckered and was surround by lines.
"She knows," you mumbled quietly and fell still.
While sitting there on the bed my eyes fogged with tears as bits of memory came back to me as if it hadn't been years and many miles since they had occurred. The memories parted the fog to become bright vivid images of a pain almost forgotten.
I was standing in fount of my mom in the large dark hallway of our home. She was dressed to go out, with her dark hair pulled up in back, she was just getting ready to leave.
I took a deep breath and looked at her dignified form, "Mom," I had waited for months and knew I had to tell her then or that I never would, "I'm gay."
I remember watching her as her eye bulge and her face turn red, "NO DAUGHTER OF MINE " She yelled shaking "IS ANY DAME QUEER."
"But, Mom "
"NO," she growled through gritting teeth. "Get the HELL OUT!"
"But Mom " I whispered my eyes brimming.
-Ccccchheeeee- She walked away from me, leaving me behind with a red stinging glow to my cheek, and a cracked and bloody lip.
I opened my eyes and in that moment my anger hardened me, "that BITCH," I yelled with the striking thunder. You only sat there staring at the wall, shaking, and rocking yourself for comfort. I continued in a blind rage speaking without thinking, "How dare she judge you, like she was ever the perfect mother." You just sat there rocking saying nothing, just staring at the blank white walls as the sound of the phone mumbled on persistently like the falling of the cold hard rain had on that night.
In silence, I sat with my legs hanging over the other side of the bed shaking pulling my fingers through my hair pressing on my scalp and tasting saltiness running to the corners of my mouth. My anger and pain was killing me and I felt the need to hear your voice, "Honey?" I asked reaching out touching your shoulder but you shirked my touch away, "please talk to me," I begged with saturated cheeks.
Your body shuddered and with a sigh you laid yourself down, still facing the wall. I bit my lip and moved closer to your shivering body. I remember lying there behind your spooning against your back crying; eyes drifting shut as my mind wondered back into the past.
After my mother kicked me out, I ran all through the night, I ran until I reached one of the college buildings on the edge of next town and went in. I was curled in a corner crying when I felt your gentle hand touch my shoulder. I felt the warmth of that hand sink into my soul, like rain into the hard dirt ground. I remember smelling your soft scent floating in the air soaking into my clothing and skin.
"What's wrong?" you asked.
"-Ssssh-" I sniffled, "I'm alone." I wiped my nose across my sleeve, "everyone hates me and I have no where to go."
"Why would you say something like that?"
"-Ssssh- my mother kicked me out."
Shaking your head slightly, your hair shifting over your shoulders, you looked at me in confusion your deep brown eyes filled with worry questioning me.
"I came out to her and she screamed at me -Ssssh- she told me to get the hell out."
You knelt down beside me and took me into your arms, into the soft heat of your body. "It will be all right," you whispered softly into my ear, holding me until I stopped crying.
We had never met before that day, and wouldn't again for years, but in that moment you saved my soul and I never forgot the warmth of your arms, the kindness in your heart. Now we were together, but you were in pain, you were the one that needing saving.
I opened my eyes to look at your shaking shivering form in my arms, with memories fresh in my mind I sniffled, "-Ssssh- are you ok?" You didn't answer and I sighed, " you know she didn't really mean it."
Your shoulders slumped and you turned your head slightly.
I ran my hands up and down your arms wanting so badly to comfort you. "She may think she means it. But, how could she? She loves you, she's always loved you."
You turned over in the bed to look at me with brimming eyes and a quivering lip, "-Ssssh- do you really think so?" Now you were sniffling.
I swallowed hard, "oh, yeah." I ran the backs of my fingers over your damp cheek, "how could she not love you." I smiled at you when you bit your lower lip, "you're the most lovable person I know, you're smart, funny, kind, and very beautiful. How could anyone not love you?"
The light glowing through the clearing predawn sky lit trails, like rivers, across our cheeks. Looking out at the light drizzle I remembered my own mother and spoke to you again. "You remember, my mother freaked out on me when I first came out to her." You raised your head from my chest blinking back tears in memory, I remember smiling at your sweet face and joking just a little. "There's just something about finding out your daughter's not going to have a big white wedding that drives a mother crazy. Never understood it myself."
You smiled shaking your head slightly before resting it on my chest. "Seriously though, she freak out like she never had before or since when I told her." I ran my fingers through your long brown hair, "She even went so far as to kick me out. You remember, you were there." I smiled slightly remembering what she had said to me and I placed a kiss on your forehead and cheeks tasting the saltiness of your sorrow under my lips. "But, that lasted all of a week, you know how mothers are. Yours will come around eventually."
You nodded your head and pushed your face further into my neck and chest, "I love you," you mumbled before falling of to sleep.
Smiling I kissed your forehead, "I love you too, Emma." I remember staring out the window into the multicolored light of the sunrise praying that I was right about your mother and that you and I would always be together.
With the light from the window wandering over the bed I too drifted off to sleep holding you tight in my arms, my breath coming slower and slower until it matched your own as our hearts beat out the same rhythm.
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