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The Sum of Contradictions: 27 Momentum
By beurre blanc
Olivia darted after the blonde, this time catching her arm, spinning her forcefully until Alex was trapped between the cold wall of a brownstone and the warmth radiating from Olivia's body. As desperate brown eyes met devastated azure they both experienced a moment when time stalled completely, before Alex's resistance collapsed, and all protestations were swept aside by the force of Olivia's kiss. In the three months since their affair had begun, neither had experienced a kiss like this: it was an amalgam of hunger, possessive familiarity and aching relief – each fought to be the aggressor, yet simultaneously each gave in to desire, laid herself open and vulnerable in thankful submission. The result was a kiss so intense, so profoundly erotic, Alex felt her entire being humming with arousal, drowning with desire. She could not only feel each stroking caress of Olivia's tongue against her own, pushing deeply into her mouth, reclaiming her as a cherished possession, she could feel those same thrusts deep within her, as if Olivia were making love to her, both driving her desire and appeasing it. She tightened her embrace, crushing Olivia's mouth against her own, pulling at Olivia's hips, one thigh between her legs, desperate to invoke the same response in her lover, desperate to share. When Olivia pulled away, at last, there was no lessening of the intensity - the brilliance of her gaze bore deeply into Alex's soul, and Alex relinquished the kiss by force of will alone.
The unsteadiness in the attorney's voice was of a piece with the trembling in the rest of her frame. "God, Olivia, if you keep kissing me like that I think I'm going to come," she breathed, "right here, right now…"
Olivia drew her in. Alex felt Olivia's chest begin to heave, to quake, but as she leaned back to look at her, instead of sobs she saw wry laughter.
"What?"
Olivia's answer was a husky whisper: "Me too." They tightened their arms around one another in a strong embrace, allowing the passion to subside into something nearer to comfort, and relief. A minute or so of quiet communion ended finally when the detective took a deep breath and whispered soberly, "I think you were about to explain something to me?"
Alex's arms loosened, but instead of answering, she took Olivia's right hand in her left, and began again to walk the last two blocks of her journey home. She sighed, and squeezed the hand in hers, before raising it to her lips, and bestowing a gentle kiss.
Turning towards her companion, eyes brimming again with unshed tears, Alex asked quietly, "Olivia, have you any idea just how much I love you?" only just managing to add, "Have you?" before her composure was lost as the tears spilled once more from her lashes. It was an accusation Olivia had half-expected, but hearing it aloud still struck her forcibly. She directed Alex again to the edge of the footpath, away from the glare of the streetlights. Alex's breath hitched, and she swiped angrily at the tears tracking down her cheeks, but Olivia caught her hand, and leaned in to kiss them softly away. Alex, no one has ever loved me the way you do…
Gathering herself again, Alex took refuge in the familiar territory of rhetoric. "I love you, Olivia. I'm in love with you… You saw it even before I did," I feel everything more deeply, things are more intense, more vivid when I'm around you, "or at least you were the first to recognize what it was. And being in love means the things that hurt you hurt me.
"There is still so much that I don't know about you, and some things which I can only guess at…" She paused, and looked to Olivia for reassurance that she should continue. Olivia looked uncomfortable. "Sweetie, I can't force you to share yourself with me, but I know there are things that you've seen, and felt, and suffered, and those things still hurt you. And, by extension, they hurt me."
"Alex, don't feel that you have to-,"
Alex cut her off. "It's not optional, Liv. It's not something I choose to do, or to feel." She looked down at the ground, mildly embarrassed to admit, "Until I met you, until I fell in love with you, I had no idea I could feel this way. I had thought this sort of love was the stuff of fiction, a romantic fairytale. And now..." Alex shrugged, and smiled ironically to herself, " now I can't believe my own naïve cynicism."
When Olivia remained silent, Alex looked up at her, almost afraid of what she'd see.
Olivia's expression was troubled. After a long pause she said, "I think I'm only just now realizing how badly I messed up."
"Meaning…?"
Olivia sighed, blinking rapidly as she spoke. "This is… unfamiliar terrain for me, Alex. I'm not good at relationships - I haven't exactly had the best role model, have I?" Before Alex could speak again she added, "And I have never loved anybody the way I love you, Alex. But that doesn't mean I'll always make the right decisions, or handle things the best way…"
"Obviously," she added wryly.
Alex put her arms around Olivia's waist in a loose embrace.
"You are right, you know. All these recent cases seem to have had one thing in common – bad mothers. Little wonder I've been having nightmares."
"And there I was thinking you weren't even listening…"
"Oh, I was listening – I heard every word you said." And quite a few that you didn't… "What can I say?" Olivia shrugged. "You 'get' me, like no one else ever has. It's… it's incredible. 'Wonderful-incredible'" she clarified. "But that's also scary."
"I know," admitted the attorney. "It's scary from this side, too."
She gazed at Olivia, watched the hesitant shift of bronze and tawny flecks, her lover clearly apprehensive about how their conversation might conclude – whether she still had any right even to ask… Oh, sweetheart, as if there's any question. "Liv, will you come home with me?" She leaned in and kissed Olivia – slowly, gently, decisively. "I think there's something that we need to… finish."
Olivia tipped her head back and laughed, ready accession to Alex's request clearly signaling her relief, and reached for the attorney's hand.
Having walked another block or so in silence, Olivia ventured to add, "I did call, you know."
"Really?"
Olivia took a steadying breath, before admitting, "I rang your machine about five times – I couldn't bring myself to leave a message."
"And my cell?"
"Um, I called twice - on the weekend. It was turned off."
Shit. The hospital insisted. "I was visiting my Mom. Oh, God, I'm sorry."
"Why, sweetheart? It wasn't like I had the guts to leave you a message, so I might as well not have even called."
As they approached Alex's building they let go of one another's hands by mutual consent, each mindful of the ongoing need for discretion. Once in the elevator, however, no such caution restrained them, and the kiss which ensued was rapidly building towards the same conclusion as the first, when the doors opened. They separated just long enough to cross the foyer and open Alex's door, giggling as their combined momentum caused it to open a little too forcefully, crashing into its stopper, and spilling them inside.
"You're such a cliché, Olivia Benson!" laughed Alex, as took off her coat and hung it on the rack.
"Alex?" The quiet, suddenly serious tone behind her caught Alex off-guard. She turned slowly.
"Alex, I wanted to give you this." Olivia drew a small, wrapped box from her pocket, adjusted the ribbon and bow, and held it out.
Alex took it, stunned.
"How did you…?"
Olivia stepped closer, wrapping her arms around Alex's waist, leaning in to whisper against her lips, "I'm a detective, remember? Happy birthday, sweetheart."
The End