DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are
property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Loss.
Sweetieblueeyes
By Dawn Smith
It was a bright, sunny spring day. The last of the winter snow had melted and the trees in Central Park were beginning to come alive with white and pink buds. After a long, stressful week, Olivia decided to take some time for herself and left work at a very early 5 pm. She longed for a little peace--maybe some time to herself for quiet reflection. The past few months had taken their toll and she needed to rest.
On the way home, she stopped at the corner grocery store and picked up a few items, along with a nice bottle of red wine, then walked the rest of the way to her apartment. Sometimes, it felt good just to get lost on the crowded street, remain in anonymity, instead of playing cop. It had been a long time since she just took time to smell the air and look into the countless, nameless faces--without suspecting them of some horrid deed.
Lately, life seemed more empty than ever. Since, Alex Cabot left, she felt hopeless. Even though, she never admitted it freely to anyone, Alex inspired a deep interest in her. Before their relationship blossomed, she hadn't seriously considered a relationship with another woman, but there was no denying her feelings when Alex came along. Even before she realized what was happening, she was longing for her company. Alex was the only woman she ever met who was genuinely interested in her--the only one who could possibly understand what she went through every day. And, more surprising than anything else, she no longer thought about men.
At first, she considered her feelings to be casual, even pretended to be disgusted by the obvious arrogance and self-righteousness of the young attorney. But something about the vulnerability that began to show through was attractive. Olivia began to see Alex much the way she viewed herself--only in a younger, slightly taller, blonde version.
But, eventually, she had to admit, her attractions were leaning toward a sexual nature. She couldn't deny the way it took her breath away when their eyes met or their hands brushed against each other accidentally. Even the slightest little touch sent bolts of electricity down her spine, and butterflies swarming in her stomach. Alex made her remember the way it felt when she first fell in love...except now it seemed more tempting and much more forbidden. It was an erotic, triangle of feeling.
First, Alex came into her life, sporting the beauty and bravado of a well-bred Cabot. Then she showed her dominance and bitchy side, and all but sat Capt. Cragen on his stool at times. When cases exploded in her face as they did with Cheryl Avery and Sam Cavanaugh, Alex revealed the sweet, suffering of a foolish, naive child. But through it all, she held herself, when those around her crawled.
But, it all ended abruptly, the night she was shot. Then did Olivia finally realized just how much she loved Alex. She was forced to reveal her hidden feelings and snap completely out of denial. And, everyone around her saw it. No one could deny the tears in her eyes or her eagerness to chuck it all--just throw in the towel and forget it. As she sat in the squad room, staring at Alex's picture and her badge, she thought of walking away. But, when she saw Alex later in the night, in the protection of the federal agents, she knew, she must carry on. And, she was trying.
And, everyday that passed, she dreamed and wondered about Alex. And every night, just before she fell asleep, she said a prayer. She wanted to go on with her personal life, just as she had her professional, but somehow, she didn't have the heart to love someone else--not just yet. No matter who she looked at as attractive or tried to date, it just felt wrong. Even when her old lover, Andy Ackerson returned, she couldn't muster up enough strength to even enjoy his come-ons. Alex had become her measuring stick and no one else even began to compare. But, she never expected to see Alex again, even though she refused to give up hope.
When she reached the apartment, the sky was turning the familiar shade of red that signifies evening and another beautiful day tomorrow. Dismayed by life and her present situation, she wished it would rain, then laughed to herself at the irony of it all. Just when she finally figured out what she wanted, and found a meaning for her empty life, everything was snatched away. Admittedly, she was deeply sad.
As she entered the building, she stopped for a moment and picked up the enormous stack of mail, then headed inside. After storing away her groceries, she made her way to the bathroom while discarding her top, then turned on the water. Nice music and lots of bubbles would be just the trick to soothe her into the lull of sleep and maybe, if she were lucky, she'd have a nice dream. As the tub filled, she poured herself a glass of wine and started back to the bathroom.
But then an item from the bulky stack of unopened mail slid off the bar and into the floor, quickly gaining her attention. Picking it up, she noticed the beautiful picture on the front. It was of the Portland Head Light in Portland Harbor, Maine. The sky was filled with fluffy white clouds and the ocean was so blue, it could have easily been heaven. On the back was a simple note: Have you ever seen heaven? And, the return address was
The Portals of Heaven
100 Anywhere Road
Anytown, Maine, 30010 USA
At the bottom was the web address sweetieblueeyes@yahoo.com.
Throwing it back onto the bar, she took off to her bath, enjoying the sounds of Sirius radio's love songs, and the sweet smell of vanilla candles and the bubble bath. A short time later, she emerged naked, strolling casually through the house. Sometimes, it felt good to be naked! But, eventually, she found a short top with spaghetti straps and a loose fitting pair of boxers. Her eyelids were heavy when she finally climbed into bed.
But sleep alluded her once again when she slid beneath the sheets. Her mind went back to the last night she spent with Alex. Alex told her, "she loved her." The words rang in her ears and she felt a pang of sympathy for her mother, who had resorted to alcohol when loneliness filled her life. It would be so easy to get lost. But the soft touch of Alex's fingers and the sweet taste of her lips lingered in her mind, so sweetly, in fact, it held her when she was on the edge--kept her from totally losing it. It was the crutch she returned to, always present. But, the thoughts always brought her back to the same end--wishing she had someone there to hold, to love. But, each time she envisioned a lover, Alex's face popped into her mind--and those deep blue eyes.
"Her eyes!" Olivia spoke out loud, "that's what the card reminded me of."
Soon, after tossing and turning, she gave up on sleep and strolled into the kitchen for another glass of wine, flipping on her computer when she passed. Maybe, she'd find someone to chat with. Sometimes, it helped to know, there were other people out there. Logging on under the screen name browneyedcop, she entered the Law and Order chat room. Although it was unlike her, she decided to send sweetieblueeyes a note to ask about the card.
Almost as quickly as she sent the note, an instant message popped up.
"Hello," sweetieblueeyes was replying.
"Hi," Olivia returned.
"Is this Olivia?" The next message came quickly.
Surprised, Olivia quickly put up her defenses. Drawing an uneasy breath, she wondered if this were one of Munch's jokes. He always had something cooking and it wasn't always pleasant. And, she'd seen a whole lot of sickos who worked the net. She wasn't ready to put herself into a bad situation. Without waiting for a reply, another message popped up quickly.
"I need to know," came the next message.
Suddenly, Olivia's heart leaped into her throat. Then, she began to wonder if it was Andy.
"Who wants to know?" Olivia quickly typed in. "Is this a joke?"
"Remember that night?" The next message drew her out of revelry and she knew she must explore it further. "It must be someone who knows me," she thought.
"Which night?" Olivia replied.
"I miss you so much!" Sweetieblueeyes replied. "That is, if you're really Olivia."
"Omg," was Olivia's next message. "Could it be?" She wondered. Unsure of what to say without giving away too much, she attempted to figure out if it was really Alex. Never in her wildest dreams had she dared imagine, Alex would find a way to contact her.
"Did you get my postcard?" Asked sweetieblueeyes.
"With a lighthouse on the front?" Olivia typed.
"Yes, that's the one," came the message.
"Why?" Olivia asked.
"Peel back the return address label," the sweetieblueeyes instructed, "and you'll know where to find me."
Quickly, Olivia leaped from the chair and hurried to the bar, rougly shuffling through the mail to find the card. Then, she ran back to the computer and sat down, carefully pulling away the sticker.
"Beep...." came another message. "Come see me. I'll wait forever. I gotta go!"
"Wait," Olivia quickly typed in. "How do I know it's really you?"
Sweetieblueeyes paused for a few seconds, pondering what to write. Then she typed in.
"You just have to trust me," she wrote in tradition Alex Cabot style, "but if you're still in doubt. I'll tell you something that only you and I know."
"O.k." Olivia couldn't wait. Her excitement was flooding through her veins, and her body quivering, nearing fits of joy and happiness.
"That night you bit me," sweetieblueeyes returned, "and everyone in the squad room thought the explosion caused the mark on my neck, but we both knew."
"I've got to go, now. But, I'll be on line tomorrow after nine p.m."
Then came a smiley face and a kiss. After that, she was gone.
The End