DISCLAIMER: I don't own CSI, nor do I own the song that has been used in this story, it's by James Blunt; Tears and Rain from the album Back to Bedlam.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: MBInc beta-ed this story and without her I don't know where I would be. Probably searching for a decent spell-checking program. I started this story when I was looking out of the window on a sunny autumn morning. It's totally written on feelings, not planned or anything, the only things that deliberately have been changed are the spelling errors. Enjoy!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
WARNING: Mention of suicide.
Tears and Rain
By Missy Holland
She misses me. I can watch her from above, she's running like crazy and I can't help her. I just have to stay up here, and she's in pain and she'll kill herself if she keeps this up. I just want to come down and make her stop, but I can't. I know I shouldn't be watching her, but I secretly hope that she's strong enough to give in and let herself come to me, though I know that she's stubborn enough to run for hours. She's desperate, the key is right in front of her but she's too blinded to see it for now. Though when she calms down she'll be able to see again. And when she comes into the dark she'll see me again.
Look past the tears and rain, my love, you'll see the star in the clouds. That'll be me; I'll shine as bright as I can for you, my dear. Shine until you're with me and together we'll light the universe. Come fly with me to see the stars, the sun, moon and earth from above. Come with me dearest lover of mine, I know you can, just let it all go, and run. Run until you can't go on, then you'll see me. Run to the water and run even further, run so you can forget everything. Until you can forget the rain, until you can't feel the cold water. So you won't feel the cold in your soul.
It's raining, but I can't feel the cold drops on my heated skin. I can't feel the cold finding its way through the deepest of my soul. I can't feel the water soaking my clothes nor the feeling of pain in my lungs.
I am running. Running away from all that I've left behind. I run as fast as I can, arms pumping and my feet moving as fast as possible, I'm exhausted, but I won't stop. I can't stop, I need to get away. So I run further, crying as I cross the streets, passing few people who are alone as I am. I run along the road I usually drive. I run towards the woods, towards the dry cold that has settled in my heart next to the aching pain I've felt for the past months. That pain that I've always feared to feel, the reason why I avoided these situations where I felt happy.
I punished myself before, but this pain is unbearable, this pain rips you apart and turns you inside out to get completely inside of you. Once it hits you, you can't find the source, it's all over you. From your head to your toes. From your heart to you sanity, it's eating it all away; leaving you hollow, empty and without options left. The pain that makes me run. Run like a caged animal.
It's a dry and dusty pain, makes your eyes water and makes you gasp when it crosses through you once again. It's rusty and it's chronic, you can't just sweat it out. It's suffocating and claustrophobic, like I'm stuck in an elevator and the only thing that's coming in is hot dry air. The air you feel when there's a fire and it's all dry wood. It makes your lips dry and burst, and your throat feels like all you can breathe in is smoke.
I run and run and as I do I get even wetter, but still the fire within me hasn't gone out, no matter how much I want it to.
I can't shake this off, so I keep running, all of this just tears and rain that mix on my wet and cold cheeks. My hair has come loose of its ponytail and clings to my face.
How I wish I could surrender my soul
Shed the clothes that become my skin
See the liar that burns within my needing
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold
How I wish I'd screamed out loud
Instead I've found no meaning
I run further and now I'm almost in the woods, the road the only thing ahead of me, leading me through the black ocean of trees. There are no stars tonight; the only light that stops me from falling is the dim light of the city I just left behind. I can't stop running, nor can I go slower. Instead I just accelerate, like a car, a machine that I've become these past months. I can't hold back a long cry that escapes me; it's a high howl that shows all the agony and the sadness I've hidden so well. It's telling about frustration, starting in a rage and ending in a desperate moan as I try to suck in enough air to fill my burning lungs. My legs are hurting and yet I keep going like the devil is chasing me. But he would've seen the end before it began.
She's hurting, she's so tired that I can see it from here. She's almost giving up, the branches and the trees seem to be against her, capturing her in their arms, embracing her and forcing her to slow down. But she won't let them. She keeps going, running even faster, now she's dangerously fast and I'm worried about her.
But the truth is that I'm just chasing time, and time is slipping away even faster.
Panic settles inside of me, I reached the stage where I just run blindly, jumping over things on the ground, twigs scratch my face as I slap them away. Like long fingers stroking my hair the twigs get stuck in them. I just keep running, I don't care about my hair anymore, not now when I'm already this far gone. The dull pain stings again as I remember why I've started running. It seems hours ago, but it can't be that long.
Tears caress my face once again, I run so fast that I'd break my neck if I'd fall down right now. I cross the forest without a plan; I'm probably walking in circles by now. Without missing a beat I close my eyes for a second I see your face- and I open them right before I slam into a huge tree. Swiftly I change directions and run along the banks of a river, surprising and chasing a group of deer for a while. They jump away and I run with them for a little time. I start to laugh as I see a glimpse of my reflection in the water. It's a maniacal laugh, a laugh that I barely recognize as my own. The laughing turns into another cry and I jump down to the mud on the shores of the river. Mud spats on my face and clothes, but I'm already wet and dirty, and I couldn't care less about my appearances right now.
My vision starts to blur for a second and stars appear in front of my eyes, but I know I've almost reached my goal. I know that I'm suffering from lack of oxygen and most likely exhaustion as well, but why care?
Why bother to stop for a second?
I'm panting like a dog by now, and my thoughts are going a mile an minute, probably the same speed as the one I'm running to, though I'm most likely running faster. I trip, and even with this deadly speed I manage to stay on both feet and I continue my running streak without thinking that this could kill me.
Which is exactly my plan. I came here to die, not to run and go home after a workout. My time has come and I want that to be here.
When you reach this state of mind you just know that you got to go, you know that this is the only way, if you don't do this they will find you again. The memories and the nightmares won't go away; they will go with you if you just walk out. If you die, you will finally be able to sleep. I've stayed up enough nights to know that this is only thing I can do. When you see the lights go out in other people's windows, and you're sitting in bed reading, you just wish that you were those people, closing your eyes and being able to rest and dream.
I can't dream, so I run.
She's hurting even more, and still there's nothing I can do. She's not allowed to dream or sleep for months now, and it's breaking her up. The memories and the nightmares keep her awake and keep her from rest. She's beautiful as always, but for too long now she's been wearing black. I send her light, and she sees the color of the trees and I know that I love her even more. She's raging along these leaves, she lets them guide her, and now I know where she's going. I cry for her as she runs on, hair wet and curly and a blush on her deadly pale face. She always loved to push, to see how far she could go, and she's doing it right now. She's trying out, playing with herself in a game of Russian Roulette, and she already knows that she's going to lose it. I love her, she's so strong, and yet so fragile, like a sculpture of an angel that's unbreakable, though I'm not one to speak about angels right now .
Together with new raindrops the lightning comes. Thunder follows close behind, like I followed you around. And I still will, like the thunder follows the lightning I'll follow you into the dark. With every flash I see the golden color of the leaves in autumn the same as your hair. Gold, with a hint of red. Strawberry they call it. That's not true. Strawberry blondes aren't that unique, they aren't a rare and gentle creature as you are. You are someone who couldn't be cloned, that wouldn't look the same. I run along the golden leaves as I think that, crying out loud for what I've lost so soon after finding it.
I'm near the end right now, I can see an open spot between the trees, and I know that I'm almost there. I came into this world crying, and I'll leave it smiling. I wipe my tears away, determined to do this right here right now. I can almost see you as I finally am able to slow down a bit. I still cannot stop running, but at least now I'm able to get some more air. My lungs are burning, starting to give up in exhausting as I gasp and pant. I can't feel my feet and my legs are trembling, ready to give in. The aching pain I've been feeling is easing a bit now that that monster inside of me knows that he's lost this battle. I won't suffer a lifelong feeling of grief and guilt. I reach a path through the forest, leading towards a place where teenagers meet for things I've done myself back then. There's a small fence that is supposed to make clear that there's a cliff. My thoughts go even faster as I reach that last barrier. If I do this I can't go back. That rusty pain inside of me is roaming around and is turning my stomach around. Anxiously I increase my speed again, it's only going to hurt for a second, then it'll be over and I can be with my dearest, my lover that I've had to miss for 3 months. Three months that were way too long, the longest and darkest of my life!
I reach the edge and without looking down I jump.
I can fly for a second, and I see a single star shining through the clouds. I smile and for the first since I started running my feet are getting a bit of rest.
The star is coming towards me, it turns into a face that I know so well and that I had to miss for months. Catherine smiles as she kisses me and then the lights get even brighter...
Return to C.S.I. Fiction
Return to Main Page