DISCLAIMER: This is pretty tame but if girl on girl action (and some f-bombs and the like) is illegal in your state-don't read this and MOVE for crying out loud. All characters owned by far richer and more brilliant minds than mine and no infringement is meant-no profit being made here. I'd say nobody under 16 should read this. There, you've been warned <grin>.
SPOILERS: Takes place between 2nd and 3rd season I think so....none if you've seen up to that point.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Top-sy Turvey
By KBar


Shane and Alice stand in Alice's kitchen instead of the Planet for obvious Lara-avoiding reasons, discussing Alice's love life-or current lack thereof. Alice hands Shane an espresso and opens the fridge door to asses her breakfast options.

"Thanks for comin' over Shane. I'm so over the Planet. (Alice rolls her eyes and adds sarcastically) I mean we only go there on days ending in 'y'. You want a Yo-Plait yogurt?"

Shane mumbles "No thanks…" as she glances up from her mug with an affectionate, if dubious, smirk. "Yeah, the Planet's just become so crowded now that Kit hired that new chef…"

Alice winces and glances away. "Yeah, so it's not like I really expected to fool you with that one. It's just that I totally freak every time I'm around Dana and, HER. I know I blamed my outburst the other day on the new meds, but honestly it's deeper than that. It's like, a Karate Kid thing, ya' know. I just lose my (affects really cheesy Pat Morita accent) balance when I see Dana and I just want to pull a crane move and plant my foot up Lara's ass."

Shane reaches over and rubs Alice's back in support. "I know Al, but it'll get better. You know the next ex could be just around the corner, waiting for you to bump into her and…knit her a sweater."

Alice looks doubtful and sighs. "Not if I can't figure out what it is that just keeps pushing me into the same patterns. OK, so let's review my recent track record: I renew my dysfunctional (air quotes) 'relationship' with Gabby, the only other girl I know besides you who's had more pussy than a public toilet.-

"Ewww. Thanks, Alice," from a frowning Shane.

Alice continues undaunted, "I get back together with Gabby because I didn't get enough two-timing and neglect the first time."

"I told you not to get back with her," Shane mumbles.

Alice glares at Shane but forges on. "Of course, all the while I'm waffling am I gay, am I straight, am I bi-really, I mean why limit my potential for rejection and abuse to just women? So for a while it's pussy? Penis? Pussy-Penis? (she see-saws her hands.) Being the TOTAL lezzie I am I decide to split the dif and date a lesbian-identified man."

"I warned Lisa…" Shane chuckles.

Alice snorts, "Yeah. So after realizing that Lisa is the biggest dyke drama-queen lezzie on the planet, I finally decide I either want a boyfriend who's straight, or I want a lesbian who's a girl. As if… And here's where it really gets good, I suddenly realize that I'm in love with Dana, my best friend, the day she gets engaged to Tonya-bot. Drama ensues, for a while I'm even 'the other woman' but we finally get together…Just in time for Dana's ex to walk back into the picture making Dana feel like she needs 'closure.' (delivered with a scowl and passionate air quotes). That kind of thing never happens to you."

"Alice, don't be so hard on yourself. You know, my whole thing is trying not to need anything from anybody. Or, at least, it used to be."

Alice sighs. "Shane, you know-how do you do it? I mean you just have this sense. I used to think it was your nipple confidence that got you all the girls but there's more to it. You listen, yeah, but it's more than that too. You really SEE. You knew about Bette and the carpenter before anyone. You knew about Jenny and Marina. You totally knew about me and Dana, I think before we did. You're like, uber lesbo- guru."

Shane snorts. "Alice, no — (exasperated) you always do that; call me your "Yofa"-

"It's "Yoda". You're my 'Yoda' as in really wise little green guy, big with "the force" mojo. Yoda."

"Wha-? Alice, are you like a fuckin' closet Star Wars freak? What kind of lesbian are you? Look whatever-Yoda-whatever the point is you expect me to have all the answers. I mean, Jezuz, look your whole wall is a chart of who I've fucked like I'm the godamn center of the lesbian universe. Babe, I'm as lost and desperate for answers as anybody." Shane smirks self-deprecatingly, "I even went to confession a few months back. Me, right? I'm surprised my skin didn't burst into flame as I walked in the door."

Alice looks shocked and reaches over to grab Shane's hand in support. "Oh sweetie, that's bad. Bad, bad, bad. I mean, that's 'make-out with a woman you just met at a party in your fiance's bathroom' bad. No, no, it's 'my ex-girlfriend left me to get back with her "soup"-chef ex' bad." Both lost themselves for a minute in a fit of giggles.

Finally, Shane cocks her head to one side and puts on her best contemplative hairdresser look and ponders Alice for a moment. "Well, maybe it's time for a new Alice Pizecki. You know, buy some new threads, get a 'mani/pedi' as Veronica would say. Pamper yourself a little."

Alice draws a long breath and lets it out slowly. "Hmm, yeah, see I don't really have the bank for a whole huge makeover, especially after maxing out my credit cards-yeah, plural-to bail my mom out of that hotel scandal. Boy, am I ever not holding my breath for her to pay me back this century."

"Well, I could cut your hair. As for clothes, you could just pull a mix 'n match." Shane's voice drops a notch lower and she purrs, "C'mon, Alice, show me what's in your closet."

Alice's bedroom looks like it barely survived a tornado. Every drawer is open, closet doors flung wide with barren hangers dangling limply and most of Alice's wardrobe piled on the bed.

"Alright, look, I can take this skirt and that jacket aaaand…yeah, OK. Here's a perfectly respectable suit. I can be like Career-Barbie Alice." Standing in front of the mirror holding the proffered items up to herself, Alice looks expectantly at Shane's reflection. For her part, Shane has a vaguely disturbed look that borders on outright horror.

"That…that is NOT you. I mean not even 'new' you. You look like Bette Junior."

"Um, yeah, she actually bought me this when we were dating. She said I didn't always have to look like one of the ones who didn't make the band. It was a stretch even then. Now it's just…" she shudders and sighs, dropping the clothes back onto the bed. "Ok, look, I know. How 'bout a new boudoir ensemble? Maybe I need to find the perfect sexy outfit, then I'll have the confidence to find the girl to use it on." She taps her index finger to her lips in thought. "Hmm, I think I have a coupl'a things from when Dana and I were experimenting, yup. Hold on a sec. I'll be right back." Alice disappears into the bathroom with a mysterious small black leather duffle she liberated from the deepest darkest depths of her closet.

A few minutes later, as Shane still holds up different combos of Alice's wardrobe she hears the bathroom door open. Dropping the would-be outfit onto the bed she turns toward Alice and immediately has to hold both hands to her mouth to keep from laughing at her friend. She's only slightly successful.

Alice stands with one hand on her hip while the other awkwardly holds out a cat-o-nine tails. She impatiently taps one stiletto-clad toe, looking miffed while Shane takes in her ensemble from head to toe: knee-high black stiletto heels, silk stockings held firmly by lacy garter belts, tight latex shorts that barely cover her ass but do accentuate a conspicuous bulge, lacey/leather corset, spiked collar, elbow-length black satin gloves and a slightly askew leather Greek captain's cap perched adorably on the crown of her head. No longer able to hold back Shane loses it and openly guffaws at Alice, doubling over into fits of laughter until her eyes water.

"What? Shane! Don't laugh at me for God's sake that's the last thing I need right now."

Finally composed, Shane chokes out, "I'm sorry sweetie, it's just…God, you're too cute to pull off the whole dominatrix thing. Baby, you're not a "top". Seeing you like that just makes me want to-tickle your feet with a feather and pull out a rubber chicken."

Alice assumes a (more?) menacing posture and lamely shoots back "Oh yeah? Well….." she sputters for a minute before suddenly tilting her head to the side. She pauses and gradually a predatory look crosses her face. Shane stops smiling, momentarily caught off guard by the intense look. Alice slowly stalks over to Shane until their bodies almost touch, holding Shane in a smoldering stare. With one hand she reaches up, grabs the back of Shane's head and melds their mouths together in a kiss that makes even Shane's knees go weak, forcing out a tiny moan from deep in Shane's throat. Alice grazes her hot, wet tongue along Shane's cupid's bow lips, demanding entrance. Once inside, her wet organ strokes the back of Shane's throat then pumps in and out rhythmically. After a minute a warning bell starts to go off somewhere deep in Shane's mind and her little voice starts screaming that she's kissing Alice! Suddenly, Alice pulls back, breaking the kiss to stare at Shane with hooded eyes; keeping one gloved hand firmly tangled in Shane's spiky hair, preventing her retreat.

They stand panting for a beat before Alice takes Shane's hand and slowly guides it to the straining bulge in Alice's pants and says, "I got yer rubber chicken right her, babe."

For a brief second everything freezes. They both stop breathing. Then a smile simultaneously creeps onto both their faces growing into shit-eating grins that give way to hysterical laughter. They both collapse in a fit of merriment onto Alice's bed.

The End

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