DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters are the property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I want International Day of Femslash to come so bad that I can't stand being around myself sometimes. That is all. Warning: NO ONE is in character. This is pure insanity right here.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
The Ultimate Limer
By Erin Griffin
Olivia Benson's job relied on her ability to use words to her advantage. Though she couldn't persuade a jury of someone's guilt or innocence in the way a good ADA could, she knew which questions to ask and how to word them to get victims and perps to speak. So why was it that Olivia could never seem to use her words to make Casey happy? All she could do was piss her off, and she wasn't sure if she would be forgiven for this latest mistake of hers. The detective did the only thing she knew for sure worked: drinking beer while looking extremely butch at the same time. Somehow everything worked out when she did that.
A few moments later, Elliot Stabler sat at the bar next to her. "I think I've got the answer to all your problems, or at least know what you need in order to get laid again," he said, forgoing all greetings. He signaled to the bartender. He didn't speak again until he'd taken a sip from the Heineken bottle in his hand. Then he looked at Olivia, looking her over. He saw the regret and shame she obviously felt for Casey. "You really love her, don't you?"
"Yes." Elliot smacked Olivia on the back of the head. "Hey-"
"then why the HELL did you go and tell her that no one will write Benovak stories for the International Day of Femslash?! Are you out of your effin' mind?"
"I know I shouldn't have said that, but she was spending so much time on banners and icons and such that I wouldn't be able to take seeing her hurt with all of the Cabenson fic out there-"
"So you hurt her feelings because you didn't want to see her hurt? That's smart, Benson," Elliot snarked.
"I didn't know she'd react that way," Olivia protested.
"How would you feel if the love of your life told you that a hypothetical relationship with someone else took priority over the real one they had with you? That you weren't the One True Pairing?" Elliot asked.
"I never said that-"
"In a sense, yes you did. Or more importantly, that is what Casey heard."
"She knows I'm right. Last year for IDF, I don't think anyone wrote Benovak fic, or if they did, those three to five stories got lost in all the Cabenson stories that were posted. I don't get it. Writers seem to like blonde/brunette pairings for some reason. There's even a multifandom spoof about it on Passion and Perfection."
"As I recall, Casey bleached her hair blonde to fit that for you, but that's not the point. The point is, the Casey/Olivia pairing is the only relationship you should worry about, especially on Femslash Day." Elliot drank more beer, watching as Olivia took this in. "Anyway, I got you something that'll help you out." He dug into the backpack and took out four T-shirts with the slogans 'Benovak fangirl,' 'Ultimate Limer', 'I Heart Casey Novak', and 'Redheads rule' on them.
"Wow! Where did these come from? In fact, where did the backpack come from?"
"You know those moments in badfic where things conveniently pop out of nowhere?" Elliot asked.
"Yeah," Olivia responded, dragging out the word uncertainly, somewhat knowing where her partner was going with this.
"This is one of them."
"Gothcha," Olivia said. "Well, as long as no Mary sues start popping up, I can be okay with that."
Just then, the perfect woman who was unrealistic in every way sat on the other side o Elliot. "Hey there," she said 'sexily', "I'm your soulmate, Mary Sue."
Elliot shot Olivia a withering glare, then shook his head at Mary Sue, who walked off and used the same line on someone else who looked suspiciously like Fin. "You had to go and jinx me with that, didn't you?"
"Yeah, sorry about that. So, what else is in that backpack? More shirts?"
"That's the beauty of a magically convenient backpack. My guess would be a few more T-shirts with Limer themed slogans, but Erin was too lazy to come up with them right away."
"Who?" Olivia asked. Elliot pointed at the forth wall. "Oooh, okay."
"I'd suggest you go change into this," he said, holding up the 'Ultimate Limer' T-shirt, looking over its shoulder at Olivia, "and spend the next " he checked his watch, "two months proving it to her."
"And that'll get me laid tonight?"
"Pig. I don't know. You'll have to rely on that odd Butchy McFabulous charm that attracts ADA's."
"Call me that again and I'm pulling out a gun from the magically convenient backpack to shoot you with," Olivia warned, but Elliot just downed the rest of his beer.
"Or you could just grab the gun from your hip, Quick Draw," he said, not even the slightest bit worried. Olivia hated when Elliot called her bluff, but acting completely unaffected really pissed her off. Still, she couldn't complain, considering he was trying to help her score with Casey. "Well, I think I'm gonna go help conceive baby number six. Good luck, Liv. Lord knows you need it." He paused for a second, then said, "And thanks for the beer."
"I'm not-" Olivia stopped, glared at him, then said tersely, "No problem." She watched him go, and then paid the tab. She looked at her lap where the T-shirts were and took a peek into the magically convenient backpack. What she saw in there made her grin, zip up the backpack, and put it over her shoulders. "I dunno, I kinda like badfic," she said to herself. At this, Mary Sue came back, and Olivia frowned in a warning, telling the woman to stay away. "Then again, maybe not."
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