DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
SPOILERS: Up to and including 'Loss'.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
She's gone. The same was true two days ago, but now it's different. Now she's alive, at least in a physical form. She's no longer Alex Cabot, my Alex. I don't even know who she is now, and most likely never will. There is to be no contact between us for her safety. When someone dies, there's a sense of closure. The door has shut and they won't be walking through it at the end of the day. What happens when they leave? How do you move on when they're still out there?
It's harder this way. this not knowing what is happening to her..not being able to be with her. I wonder what she'll do now. I doubt it will be law. Perhaps, a riding instructor out west somewhere, working on a ranch. She used to tell me about the pony she had when she was young, and how she used to love to ride. I can't help but smile thinking of how excited she was telling me about it. We always talked about going riding together.
The final meeting was the hardest. I think I was better off not knowing that she was out there, believing that I had lost her to death. It's ridiculous that one man could destroy my life to this extent. I just stood there looking at her when she stepped out of the SUV, not knowing what to do. I could see the tears in her eyes; she was trying desperately not to cry. I broke down and cried then. I wanted to protect her like I hadn't been able to on the street when she was shot. But I just stood there, transfixed. That is my biggest regret. I should have kissed her, told her how much I loved her, to hell with my career. Watching her pull away I sank to ground, while Elliot tried to comfort me. She meant a lot to him, probably because she meant a lot to me. Together we cried, in the dirt parking lot.
Now sitting in this Church, I can't help but wonder. I hope she's ok. I wonder if she'll like her new life, or if she'll get a guard dog, maybe a big German shepherd, although she was more of a cat person if you ask me. I guess the ready made life they'll give her will force her to move on, but I don't think she'll forget me. I just hope she doesn't mourn the loss of Alex Cabot too heavily. As for me, I'll mourn for Alex, but with the hope that she'll come back one day. Maybe tomorrow, I'll see about taking riding lessons.
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