DISCLAIMER: The Devil Wears Prada and its characters belong to Lauren Weisberger and 20th Century Fox. No infringement intended.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
In Vino Veritas
By The Last Good Name
"That woman is a bitch," said Lily softly to her drink. "A complete and utter bitch."
"Yeah," said the person sitting next to her.
Lily ignored her. "With her stupid clothes and stupid attitude and-"
"Yeah," said the woman again, with vehemence.
Lily frowned. "Somebody needs to teach her a lesson," she mumbled.
"Yeah!"
Lily nodded and sucked down the rest of her drink. The room wobbled alarmingly. "She's mean and nasty, and she doesn't deserve Andy!" Lily said triumphantly, and slammed down her glass next to the half a dozen empties already on the bartop.
The woman next to her saluted Lily with her own drink, and threw it back as well. "Yea- Andy?" she said, choking on her drink.
"Yeah," said Lily, looking blearily over at the person sitting next to her. She had extremely red hair. It looked kind of-bright. Not natural, anyway. "She doesn't deserve Andy at all," Lily said. "Andy's too good for her."
"Andy," the redhead said.
"Who were you talking about?" Lily asked. The woman looked familiar somehow, but Lily was pretty sure they had never met. She was pretty, in a generic trying-to-hard kind of way. Her eye shadow practically screamed "pay attention to me!" and then there was the hair. The very bright hair.
"Andy," the redhead said again, as if repeating the name would give it meaning.
"That's what I said." Lily nodded decisively.
"Andy doesn't deserve?" The redhead looked glassy-eyes and stunned, and not in a good way. She tottered a little on her stool.
"-wait," said Lily, suddenly remembering that the woman had been agreeing with her earlier rant. "You think Andy's a bitch?"
"She-I-she-" the redhead said.
"Oh my God," said Lily. "Don't tell me you're in love with her, too? With Miranda?" It was too much. First Andy, now this mysterious clacker that Lily was sure she had seen clacking across the lobby at Elias-Clarke whenever she stopped by to see if Andy wanted to grab some lunch.
"With Miranda?" the redhead-Emily, Lily dredged from the recesses of her memory-sounded absolutely scandalized.
"With Miranda fucking Priestly," spat Lily.
"Oh." Emily couldn't meet Lily's eyes. "Well."
"You are? You bitch!" Lily threw a handful of peanuts at Emily. They bounced off Emily's forehead.
She looked a little dazed at that, and then said bitterly, "Well, you seem to have more than friendly feelings for your Andy."
"Of course I do. She's so smart, and pretty, and smart. And nice." Lily sighed, imagining Andy's nice smile. In her imagination, it was attached to a hand handing out water and aspirin. Andy was so nice. And pretty. And smart. Lily sighed again.
Next to her, Emily rolled her eyes.
"But," said Lily mournfully, "She's not mine."
"Nor will she ever be," Emily said. Lily thought she might have been trying for crisp, but she missed it by a mile. The six empty glasses on the bar in front of her might have had something to do with it.
"What do you care?" asked Lily.
Emily glared at her. It would have been more effective if she hadn't also been clutching at the bar to stay upright.
Lily blinked in surprise. "You're in love with Andy? I'm in love with Andy."
Emily sighed and went back to staring at her drink. "And Andrea is in love with Miranda fucking Priestly. Who is in love with Andrea."
"Yeah," said Lily, and then, "What?"
Emily looked at her askance. "You didn't know?"
"No-I-She is?" Lily shook her head, trying to clear it. The room spun threateningly.
Emily nodded in an exaggerated motion, her face turing a little green as she did. "The office is like some sort of horrid romance novel, all longing looks and heart-felt sighs. Bitch," she added.
"Damn," said Lily.
"Fuck."
"Shit."
There was a moment of silence, and then Emily said, "They could be really happy together."
Lily groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Double damn."
"Double fuck," agreed Emily.
"Maybe," Lily said slowly, as if she couldn't quite believe the words coming out of her mouth, "maybe we could teach her a lesson."
Emily stared at Lily. "Who?"
"Miranda. She doesn't deserve Andy-"
"No," said Emily emphatically. "She does not."
"-but if that's who Andy wants," Lily said.
Emily tried to raise an eyebrow. It didn't work very well since she kept looking up to see where her eyebrow was going.
"Miranda's still at work, right?" asked Lily.
"Yes."
"And Andy?"
"Miranda sent her home," said Emily.
This shocked Lily so completely she fell off her stool. "What?" she said, peering up at Emily. Great, now Lily's ass hurt just as much as her heart.
"Time off while Miranda answers her own phone-" Emily said mournfully. "What lesson?"
"Why?" Lily demanded.
Emily stared at her, completely bewildered. "Why what?"
Lily blinked, trying to keep her thoughts focused, which the room didn't seem to want to be. "Why is Andy at home when Miranda's at work?"
"Because Miranda loves Andrea," Emily said, as if to an idiot child. "But we don't need to teach Andrea anything. She's perfect just the way she is. We're teaching Miranda-something. I think."
Lily looked at her blankly, wondering what she was talking about. Who cared about teaching Miranda anything; Andy was at home, and Lily was stuck here at this stupid bar with a sore ass talking to a stupid clacker who was going to steal Andy from her-"Oh!" Lily said, remembering what she had been talking about. "What Miranda's missing."
"She's missing something?" Emily did not sound convinced.
"Sex," Lily said meaningfully.
"Oh," said Emily. "Sex. Sex with Andrea," said Emily, mimicking Lily's meaningful tone.
"Yeah." The thought of Andy and Miranda and sex made Lily even sadder, but, as Emily said, they could be really happy together, and that was worth it. "How do we teach Miranda that she's missing sex with the most wonderful woman on the planet?" How could Miranda not already know this, Lily wondered.
"I have no idea," said Emily, and then her eyes turned dreamy. "She's wonderful."
"And smart," Lily agreed, and then frowned at Emily. "Andy said you weren't very smart."
Emily looked outraged. "I am so smart! I am very smart."
"Oh yeah?" said Lily. "Then how are we going to teach Miranda fucking Priestly a lesson?" Ha! Lily was extremely satisfied with herself, that she had come up with such a cunning plan to make Emily come up with their cunning plan.
"We'll show her," said Emily primly.
"Show her what?" Lily prodded.
"What she's missing," Emily said. " Sex."
Lily thought maybe Emily was a little stupid, because she was just repeating what Lily had already said, except that a thought then occurred to Lily: "We'll show her sex with Andy?" she asked, suddenly very interested in Emily's plan. Also a little jealous. If anyone was going to show Miranda sex with Andy, it would be her, not a purple-eyed clacker.
"Andrea isn't here," said Emily.
Lily drooped. "No." Andy was at home, all alone without Lily. She hadn't even called and rescued Lily from this horrible dive, with the very dirty floor. And the peanuts. Now that she was down here, she could see just how dirty the floor was. They should really clean better, Lily thought.
"But maybe she doesn't need to be," Emily said. She was staring into the distance, her brow furrowed. If she hadn't been wearing feathers on her shirt, Lily might have thought she was cute, concentrating so hard. Or maybe it was just that her ankles were nice to lean against.
"Hmm?" said Lily.
Emily looked down at Lily. "We don't need Andrea to show Miranda what she's missing."
Now Lily was confused. "We don't?"
"No. We'll show her ourselves."
"We will?"
Emily nodded emphatically. "Yes, we will."
"We will," repeated Lily. "How?"
Emily's eyes got very big and thoughtful. "I have a key," she announced.
"And she's at work," said Lily. "So we could go there-"
Emily nodded. "And show her. Yes."
"Okay." Lily pushed herself up from the ground with her stool, grabbing at Emily's legs and then Emily's breasts to stop from falling over again. "Let's go."
"Do you really want to do this?" Emily asked, not bothering to dislodge Lily's hands.
"You're no Andy," said Lily.
"Fuck you," said Emily, and knocked Lily's hand off her breast.
"I'm counting on it," Lily said, and unsteadily crashed into Emily again.
Twenty minutes later, they were sprawled on top of Miranda's desk; Emily's skirt was somewhere near the elevators, Lily's top was atop Andy's desk, and both of their bras were decorating a rack in the hallway.
"Oh, Andy!" Lily panted, writhing and gyrating underneath Emily.
"She's mine, you slut," snarled Emily, and bit down on Lily's nipple, hard. It hurt, but Lily still spasmed and moaned.
"N-n-nuh-uh," said Lily, and pushed Emily away. As soon as there was space, she wormed her hand between them and thrust her fingers under Emily's panties and inside her. Emily's hips jerked and bucked. Lily smiled viciously.
"Oh, oh, oh," Emily moaned. "Andrea-"
"Fuck you," said Lily, and mashed her mouth against Emily's.
"Not if I get there first," Emily said, her teeth flashing against Lily's lips.
Miranda, standing in the doorway, gasped.
Lily and Emily turned to look. Miranda's eyes widened and her breath quickened. Her pupils were huge and dark against her pale face, but she didn't look mad. Not at all.
"Mine," said Lily slowly, never taking her eyes from Miranda's. "I'm going to fuck Emily into the ground, and then Andy is going to be all mine."
"No," said Emily, nipping her way down Lily's chest. "No, Andrea is mine." She bit Lily's nipples once more, and Lily thrashed, knocking a vase off the desk. "Andrea is mine, and you are going to be left out on the street sobbing," Emily said, punctuating her words with fierce pinches of Lily's clit.
Lily's increasing pants were matched, breath by breath, by Miranda's own heaving chest.
"I said, fuck you," Lily growled, and thrust her own fingers deeper into Emily, lifting Emily up with every push. "Andy's mine. Not yours. Mine."
Miranda's eyes got even wider, and then suddenly she pivoted on her toe and fled.
Emily and Lily both stopped moving immediately and stared after Miranda. "Do you think she bought it?" Emily asked.
Lily's head thumped back on the table, her arousal vanished alongside Miranda. "God, I hope so."
"Well, that's that," said Emily, and pushed herself up on one elbow.
"Yeah," said Lily. She made no move to get up, though, or to remove her fingers from inside Emily's panties. She wasn't sure she would ever move again. Andy, she thought, disconsolate.
Emily gazed down at Lily inquiringly, said, "So," and plucked at Lily's panties. Lily's clit twitched again; maybe her arousal wasn't as gone as she'd thought.
Lily met Emily's gaze, and then shrugged. "Why not?" she said, and pulled Emily down for another kiss.
The End