DISCLAIMER: All the characters and locations belong to Showtime and Ilene Chaiken. I am merely taking them out for a quick polish.
SERIES/SEQUEL: This is the fifth part of the WeHo Days series.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
WeHo Days
Ladies Who Lunch
By halfofone
Helena hustled into The Planet cursing the villainy of the LA traffic that had made her late for her lunch meeting. She relaxed when she saw her friends on the far side of the room until she realised there were only two people. Not Bette.
"Damn," she muttered quietly.
"Hi guys"
"You're late, you're late, for a very important date. No time to say hello. Goodbye. You're late, you're late, you're late!" Alice sang off key at high tempo. Helena rolled her eyes and pulled out one of the chairs.
"Al," said Shane reprovingly. "Let the woman sit down before you start."
"Thank you Shane," Helena smiled as she sat down. "Where's Bette?"
Alice started again.
"You're late, you're late..."
"Al!" Shane interrupted sharply this time. "Do you want me to ask Kit to bounce and ban your ass?"
"Leave my babelicious ass out of this. Bette has had to go to a meeting of her own at the college. She took a call and seemed kind of angry but she did ask me to give you this." Alice passed a folded piece of paper across the table.
"Have you read it?" Helena enquired sweetly.
"Please," said Alice reproachfully.
"She's read it," Shane confirmed.
Helena raised her eyebrows in mock disapproval.
"Why am I not surprised?"
"Because you've met her?"
Alice muttered something from which the only audible word was "stool-pigeon." She looked up to see both her friends grinning knowingly at each other. Alice threw her shredded napkin on the table.
"Oh poopies! Look I just cut out the bullshit and keep it simple. You should try it Lena. Stop mooning around after Bette and make a few demands of your own. She is taking you for granted as only Bette can. I mean look at that note! Are you her chauffeur now?"
"Perhaps I like doing things for her," Helena said defensively.
"Jeez that is sad. Believe me I know that you want to please her but that isn't going to make her fall for you. Again I know. I bought the tear-stained t-shirt, you know the one saying 'Bette Porter's door-mat.'" Alice held Helena's gaze and enunciated very slowly: "Just. Too. Pathetic."
Helena smiled apologetically, hoping to slow Alice down. She didn't really want to listen to reason right now.
"Of course you're right Ali. Which is why tonight I have a date. No sitting about this Friday night for me."
"A date! Do I know her?"
"I think you do. Lee Austin."
"The artist? Didn't you used to date her when you were still in your wicked-witch-from-east-of-the-Atlantic phase? I thought that was yesterday's affair."
"We didn't actually date then. I chatted her up to annoy Bette mainly."
Alice threw up her hands in theatrical despair. "Bette again. Or Bette-Noir should I say." She looked at Helena suspiciously. "You're not really going on a date with Lee are you? It's just camouflage to hide your pathetic-ness."
"Well I suppose we're friends actually," Helena admitted. "I don't really feel like dating at the moment; Lee's a very interesting woman and I like hanging with her."
Alice rolled her eyes but in mid-roll and just as her mouth opened, her cell-phone set up a tinny rendition of the theme from Shaft. She peered warily at the small screen to see who was calling. Slightly bewildered, she glanced at her watch and then leapt to her feet, swearing silently as though the unanswered phone might detect her presence. 'Fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!' After the third repetition of 'Shaft' and some more anguished leaping, Alice took a deep breath, smiled determinedly and pressed the call accept button.
"Jane! Hey. Great to hear from you."
Alice visibly cringed as her caller replied. She put her hand over the phone mouthing 'My Boss' at her two companions. Another wince and Alice started to babble: "No really? We did? Jane, I am there! With you. Now. Well okay I'm not actually there, there, but you know what? We can do this on the phone. Just a moment while I find a quiet spot. Then it'll be just you and me."
Alice danced awkwardly away in the direction of Kit's office.
Shane grinned slowly at Helena, remote and warm like a desert breeze. Not for the first time Helena found herself wondering where the young hairdresser acquired her presence. She knew that Shane's life was borderline chaotic, filled with drugs, poverty and random sex, yet to look in her eyes was to see a stillness and ageless antiquity. She could imagine Shane as a character in an Anne Rice novel, a tragic and ancient vampire driven by its desires but entirely lacking either malice or self-interest.
"Bette huh?" said the ageless one.
Embarrassed, Helena frowned and mumbled, "it's not that...I mean I don't expect..." Her voice trailed off.
Shane watched her quietly for a moment and then said "The first time I met Bette, she saved my butt. It was the closest to love at first sight that I've ever come."
Helena was surprised at the unexpected confidence. She and Shane had never talked much beyond normal pleasantries. She wondered why Shane was choosing to tell her this - probably going to warn her about pursuing Bette - either warn her away or warn her off. She still wanted to know.
"What happened?"
"She stepped between me and some guy who was harassing me outside the bar. As far as I can remember this is what she said to him: 'The police are on their way asshole. They may not care about you beating on that scrawny drugged-up kid but I am fucking the Police Commissioner's daughter. Lay one finger on me and you will be splitting rocks until hell freezes over.'"
Shane sipped from her very large cup of very black coffee before continuing her story.
"She looked so fucking arrogant and strong that he caved totally, just walked away yelling abuse." Shane smiled beatifically at Helena. "It was a beautiful moment. Then I hit on her."
Despite this being a story long past Helena felt a jealous hand clutch at her heart. "Did she...?"
Shane shook her head and her amused expression became more worldly.
"She told me to come back when I was out of diapers and could remember my own name and was dressed in something other than her 17 year old nephew might wear. It was a couple more years before we even spoke again."
"Did you ever sleep with her?"
"Nah. When I next met her she was with Tina. But we did go on a sort of date once."
Helena stiffened. "Really?"
"She took me to..." Shane paused and raised her eyebrows expectantly.
"...an art gallery," Helena finished and they both started laughing.
They were interrupted by one of Kit's staff enquiring if she could get anything for Helena or Shane. The way she said 'anything' and then licked her lips and stared at Shane set Helena off giggling again. Shane kept her cool, refused and thanked the young woman politely. Helena took the moment to recover and then ordered her coffee. The girl sloped off to get it, clearly disappointed.
"Do you ever get sick of it Shane?" Helena asked curiously.
"Sick of what?"
"I don't know. I guess I mean being so notorious that you can't even have a cup of coffee at lunchtime without that happening."
"I never get tired of talking to girls. So why are you attracted to Bette? Apart from the obvious of course."
"I never ignore the obvious. Seriously I actually have no idea why I like her. She's really exactly like the head prefect of my nightmares - I ought to hate her. I did hate her."
"Head prefect?" queried Shane.
"Yes you know. English Public schools like to put kids in charge of other kids, so the Head Teacher selects the most responsible, upright, conscientious, hardworking children and sets them up as prefects to lord it over the others. The Head Prefect is the one chosen to lead the rest. If Bette had been English she would have been marked down as a future Head Prefect while she was still in prep school."
"I take it you were not a...prefect."
"No," Helena agreed lightly. "However I did fuck a Head Prefect when I was fourteen. That was the first time I was chucked out of a school. I learnt a valuable lesson - don't trust a girl who asks your forgiveness after you've seduced her."
Shane raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"The first time you were chucked out? Did it happen often?"
"Six, seven times if you count being expelled twice from the same school."
"Impressive. Has my five childrens' homes beat."
"English Public schools are basically childrens' homes for the wealthy anyway," Helena said glibly. Shane was doubtful about this but she was still curious.
"Did you keep fucking Head Prefects or did you move on to other things?"
Helena smiled mischievously. "Let me see." The Briton stared into space and enumerated: "one - Head Prefect; two - doing Coke in the girls' loos; three - doing the drugs counsellor after I was given my second chance; four - the Head Master's wife (and the Head Master's daughter, though no-one found out about that last one); five - my Physical Education teacher (because you have to have one of those on your resume); six - the school nurses - the plural was a bad idea - they were jealous of each other; and finally seven - organising an 'orgy of depravity' in the sixth-form common room."
Shane laughed. "An orgy. Sounds good."
"Orgy was a flattering term for a fairly harmless party for which I carried the can as the acknowledged bad apple. It has to be said that the Head Mistress was a nun with only a limited understanding of orgies and depravity."
"Not my experience of nuns," Shane said a little bitterly. Helena glanced at her and Shane deflected the obvious interest in her companion's eyes by asking "I didn't know you were Catholic."
"I'm not," answered Helena shortly. "It was Mummy's final attempt to have me educated in England - she bought into the propaganda that an English education is the best in the world. However even she felt that the orgy was a flimsy excuse for excluding me. After that I went to a school in Switzerland and spent a year skiing and fucking chalet girls. Very traditional of me I thought. Thanks to a very talented and very attractive French teacher I even managed to scrape some qualifications together. That concludes the potted history of my not very interesting school years."
"Livelier than most I guess."
Helena shrugged. "Mostly it was boring. I gather from some of the things I've heard that your early life was..." Helena hesitated.
Shane looked away for an instant before finishing Helena's sentence "...shit."
"Sounds harsh."
"In parts it was. Now is better." Shane toasted Helena with her coffee and smiled her slow mysterious smile. Helena got the hint. The distant past was off limits. The recent past however...
"Have you spoken to Carmen?"
Shane's expression closed off but not before Helena glimpsed the younger woman's discomfort or maybe it was shame.
"There's no point."
"She might not agree with you."
"I wouldn't be offering her anything and if she hates me then I deserve it. She should forget me."
"An apology might be worth something to her Shane, even just the chance to tell you to fuck off," Helena suggested gently. "Don't you care how she feels?"
"I care. I just can't help her. I am what I am Helena. Just as Bette is what she is." Shane looked sadly into Helena's eyes.
"Here it comes," Helena sneered defensively. "The 'keep away from Bette' speech. Which is it? She's too good for me? I'm no good for her?"
"I was going to say that Bette needs someone to share her life. If you can offer her that then go for it."
Helena's mouth popped open in surprise and Shane released her suppressed grin.
"Bette can look after herself, she doesn't need Al or me guard-dogging her. Hey Jen!"
Helena looked over her left shoulder in the direction of Shane's greeting. Jenny was just approaching wearing a fey smile and dungarees over a white top. In truth she looked very young and kind of cute.
"Working today?" Shane queried as Jenny slid in beside her. They hugged and kissed affectionately. It was an odd friendship based on a complete mutual lack of judgement. Shane accepted Jenny's weirdness and Jenny witnessed Shane's more amoral actions with a writer's objectivity.
"Yep. But not yet." Jenny smiled happily at them, until her gaze slid away distractedly and there was a short silence.
Helena fought off the impulse to ask Jenny whether the six foot rabbit was with her and asked instead, "Why are you still working here? I thought your book was about to be published."
Jenny's wide eyes widened further. "I'm not writing," she pronounced carefully as though this explained everything.
"Ever again?" wondered Helena.
Jenny spoke slowly, very patiently as though she was talking to small children, "Today. And I like working here: Kit is an amazing woman and it annoys Billy."
"Which makes any day worthwhile," Helena smirked. Irritating the enemy was a motivation Helena understood and she didn't like Billy either. Jenny beamed at her - always pleased when someone seemed to get her even for a moment. The would-be writer looked around.
"I thought Alice was going to meet us here," she said, her eyes searching amongst The Planet's corners and enclaves without success.
"She's in Kit's office, having an emergency conference call with her producer."
"Emergency?" Jenny worried at the word.
"Alice style emergency," Shane reassured.
"Where's Bette?"
"Also at a meeting. Hel is picking her up in half an hour."
Jenny eyed Helena seriously.
"Are you and Bette together?"
"Why do people keep asking me that?"
"You've spent a lot of time with her recently," Jenny said simply.
"Not together. We have had a few meetings to discuss the adoption..." Helena was embarrassed but she thought on reflection the truth might be less embarrassing than the constant questioning about her relationship with Bette. "I've borrowed Bette's car for the day since I am lacking in the wheels department at the moment. It fitted both our schedules - she's going to see Tina later and I was going to pick her up from here and go over to Shaolin. Only now she's not here..."
"But you have many cars," Jenny said slowly seeing a flaw in this explanation.
"Not since I sold them to pay the cast of our next big picture: 'Hong-Kong Dragon At The OK Corral'. It's going to save our studio I'm told." Helena grinned ruefully, "Could be worse. Tina says if this crashes and burns then we'll have to move into porn...possibly with a Kung-Fu flavour: 'Big-Breasted Lotus Flowers Suck Dragon Balls' springs to mind."
"I think I ordered that carry-out," Jenny said slyly and started to giggle.
Shane wasn't laughing. If Helena hadn't known better she would have said Shane was looking surprised.
"Hey it's okay Shane. I'm not that hard up; I can probably afford one of those tiny Japanese things. I just haven't got round to it today."
"Yeah," Shane said slowly as though she was grappling with a thought that was just inconceivable. "Bette is letting you drive her car?" She said it with the same quiet wonder in her voice as if she'd just heard that Bette was sleeping with a man.
"You're shitting us!" shrieked Alice who had just come up behind them. "Jeez Helena! Bette would be more likely to let you fuck her wife than drive her baby!"
There was a sudden extremely awkward silence.
"Thanks Alice but I think I've been there," Helena said quietly.
Alice grimaced guiltily. "Okay I'm sorry. That was gross of me but Helena, you're driving her car. That is huge."
"Ali, it's not huge. It's just convenient."
"Helena trust me. This is huge. I have known Miss Thang for eleven years and she has never allowed anyone to drive her car. No-one. Not one. Not ever. Never."
"Well she did today. I dropped her at the college..."
"Whoa! Back up right there!"
Helena stopped and looked at Alice who having just sat down was now on her feet again.
"You drove her car with her in it!"
Helena nodded and Alice threw up her arms.
"Okay that's it people. I am going now to sit in a darkened room and wait for the next sign of the apocalypse."
"Ali stop making a fuss over nothing. I have to go and pick up Bette so maybe I'll see you later."
"Sure! Just run away. I know you don't have to go yet - I read the note remember. I mean aren't you going to share your wedding plans with us?"
"Al," Shane reproved her with a word and a look and Alice slumped back into her chair sighing exaggeratedly. Helena was not amused.
"If I had wedding plans, believe me Ali, you'd be my first port of call but since I haven't, could you just mind your own business and stop poking pins in me over Bette. There is absolutely nothing between us except a sort of friendship. So once and forever, just let it go Alice."
Alice's eyes narrowed. "A sort of friendship," she repeated softly. "Yeah I get that..."
"Alice called Lara last night," Shane said quickly before Alice had a chance to expound on what sort of friendship Bette and Helena might have.
"Really?" Jenny asked helpfully distracting Alice's attention from an obviously angry Helena. Alice smiled uncertainly.
"Yeah, we just kind of left it...I thought...some closure maybe."
"And..." prompted Shane.
"She's going to New York next week. New job. Sounded important."
"Are you going to see her?" asked Helena, who had recovered her temper enough to take an interest in Alice's strange relationship with her dead ex-lover's lover. There was a lot of grief on both sides and a psychologist would probably have got an entire research paper out of the sheer incestuousness of it all. That said, Lara was a good woman and had clearly become very fond of Alice though the latter had made it clear to Lara and everyone else on a memorable and tearful evening that there was no future for them as a couple. Being a pragmatist, Lara had immediately ended the affair rather than drag it out.
"Tomorrow. We're just going to meet and talk."
"That's good Al," Shane smiled.
"Perhaps you should do the same for Carmen, Shane," Jenny said a little reprovingly. Jenny loved Shane unconditionally but she had loved Carmen too and it hurt her that the Latina had cut them all out of her life. Shane didn't respond and Jenny knew better than to push.
"I have some news," she offered instead.
"Yeah?"
"I've split up with Max."
"What!" chorused everyone else.
"Is Max okay?" asked Shane, concerned about her roomie whom she had come to like for his honesty even if he was occasionally a total prick.
"It was the best conversation we have had in a while. He took it pretty well - relieved I think - he's not going far actually, just moving into the shed if that's okay."
Shane nodded peaceably but Alice raised her eyebrows.
"This doesn't have anything to do with the fake frenchwoman?"
"Claude is nice but no I'm not leaving Max for her. Our relationship was becoming destructive and I have had enough dysfunction in my life. Hey, you've all read my book..."
A round of silent nodding met that statement since most of Jenny's friends had mixed feeling about the great first book and felt more comfortable not discussing it with the author despite her frequent attempts to draw them in.
"I do have to go now," said Helena and stood up. "The traffic is crap and Bette will be waiting..."
"And that would never do," snarked Alice, smiling sweetly. Helena made a face and just resisted sticking her tongue out.
"Absolutely. See you guys."
Her friends waved her off. Helena walked away, calling out her goodbyes to Kit who was working behind the coffee counter. Kit smiled and nodded, but her gaze turned more speculative as the tall Briton left The Planet. Kit wandered over to where Alice, Shane and Jenny were sitting.
"Is she driving my baby sister's car?"
"Yup," said Alice. They exchanged a significant look.
"What the hell is that about?" wondered Kit aloud.
Alice shrugged, Shane made an expression that said 'I have no fucking idea' and Jenny stared into space as though expecting to hear the answer from the ether.
The End