DISCLAIMER: Not mine. I promise I'm only borrowing them and will return them to their rightful owners whenever they ask for them back. My imagination took a flight of fancy.....my bank account stayed empty. (Seriously, the cast of SVU belong to Dick Wolf and I'm only borrowing them for some free daydreaming that I wrote down.).
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is fluff – I repeat, FLUFF! Anyone expecting serious fic should wander off to something else. This idea was triggered by a normally fluent swearer friend of mine suffering a mental block one day when he had a document returned to him with margin notes he did not appreciate, causing a rather amusing and unexpected brain-freeze.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To ncruuk[at]gmail.com

Wrong Side of Bed
By ncruuk



Olivia looked up from her novel in shock. It was very rare for her lover, ADA Cabot, to shout, ever, and especially not in their apartment. It was equally rare for Alex to swear. To combine the two suggested, well, Olivia couldn't comprehend the cause, so headed towards the study to see what the anguish was.


"Bastard, the total and utter....bastard!"

"Who is sweetie?" tried Olivia again, entering the study. Not answering the question quite as Olivia anticipated, Alex acknowledged her arrival with an outraged expression.

"He's a bastard, a total....." only to pause and look, in Olivia's opinion, adorably cute as she scrunched up her face into a scowl behind the 'glasses of justice'

"Liv, I can't think of any more swear words....give me some?"

"Swear words?"

"Yes, I can only think of bastard and its continued use in this situation is quite frankly, insulting to...." Alex paused, suddenly realising what she was going to say. Olivia however, was seeing the funny side, so continued Alex's thought for her, smothering her grin as she did so.

"As an insult to all of us poor bastards of the world with unmarried parents? I agree. But it's the only swear word you know?"

"At the moment, I can't think of any. Help me?"

Olivia could never resist that tone of voice or cute expression, never mind the 'glasses of justice' screaming 'do my bidding now', so quickly reviewed all the swear words she'd come across and, discarding the ones she really didn't want ever to hear Alex say, as well as those that really didn't suit the situation, where the target seemed to be a person. Finally, she offered one she'd heard an English witness utter some years earlier:

"Umm, fuckwit?"

"Thank you. He's a total fuckwit....a right bastard...how could he think that he would get away with such a....." Alex paused, waiting for Olivia to supply her with some more suitable language,


"Thank you.....with such a shitty, low act of deceitfulness, I'll never know." Alex threw her glasses on the desk and slammed the lid of her laptop down with rather more force than was necessary, before standing up and crossing to the still bemused, not to mention amused, Olivia.

"Feel better?"

"Much, thank you for the assistance."

"My pleasure. If I can ask, what was the offence the poor schmuk committed?"

"Jack, one of the ADAs over in Homicide? He's posted a commentary article using one of my closings," explained Alex, not sure if Olivia remembered many of the homicide ADAs since SVU became a dedicated ADA.

"And?" Olivia couldn't see the big deal.

"He's posted it as belonging to himself!"


"Not to mention it's a crap closing, why couldn't he have stolen a good one?"

The End

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