DISCLAIMER: Guiding Light and its characters are the property of Proctor & Gamble. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Originally written for the Dog Days of Summer 2009 Femslash Advent Calendar. Beta: Thank you as always to Ms_Josephine.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To Geekgrrl.lurking[at]gmail.com
What Dreams May Come
I love to watch Natalia sleep. The gentle rise and fall of her chest, the flaring of her nostrils, the soft warmth of her body in the laundry fresh sheets, there is something in this simple act that fills me with such pleasure. I still can't believe it's real.
The first time it happened it was a gift, something I never expected and I will treasure the memory forever. It was one of our many movie nights and we were all snuggled together under a blanket on the couch on a cold January night. It hadn't taken very long and Emma had fallen asleep, curling up safe and warm in Natalia's arms. By the time the movie credits were scrolling past, Natalia had fallen asleep in my arms. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest at the sight.
Natalia's head had dropped to my shoulder and I had been given the opportunity to look down, free to stare openly at her, able to memorize her features. She was beautiful. Long dark lashes pressed against her cheeks, full lips begging to be kissed, with soft dark hair I longed to run my fingers through.
My stiff arm moved of its own accord and before I knew it I had my fingers tangled into the long strands, pulling Natalia tighter to me. She shifted slightly, with a soft inhalation that made me freeze, afraid she was about to wake, but she just nuzzled along my shirt collar and sighed, falling back into deeper sleep.
I tucked her head under my chin and sighed myself, softly stroking through her hair. She felt so right in my arms, lying against me, trusting me to take care of her the same way my own daughter lay with her. I was with my two girls, my family and it felt damn good.
It was the first time I truly let myself feel the rightness of being with her. Not as just my room mate or a friend but as part of a family and yes, even more than that, as a couple. It was as if something inside me had slid into place and I was at peace. I was home.
At the time I thought it was only a dream, wishful thinking, just a misguided crush on by best friend that would pass eventually. I knew that that she wouldn't want me that way, that it was a sin in her books and that it was too different for her. Hell it was almost too different for me, but for a brief shining moment that night, I didn't dwell on any of that. I had been given this gift and I just accepted it graciously, savouring it for as long as I could have it.
There were other gifts given to me as well, chance and happenstance becoming my friends as I would stand at her door and watch over her. I can easily recall one time I had worked late into the night at the farmhouse, Natalia and Emma long having disappeared to their rooms. Guiltily I'd packed up my laptop, tiptoed upstairs, avoiding the step second from the top with the creaky board and headed to my bedroom. I tried to continue past her open door, like so many times before but this time I couldn't resist.
I stopped in her doorway, the light from the hallway falling across her patchwork quilt to spill across her sleeping form, emphasizing the angles of her beautiful face, the chestnut highlights in her dark hair. And I'd stand there needing only her, wanting to crawl up beside her and just hold her, safe in my arms again.
My mind couldn't help itself, wandering to a nonexistent world of what if. What if we really were a couple? I'd come up after working late to turn down the bed sheets on my side, slide under the crisp sheets to find Natalia's tempting form already sleeping. I'd wake her up with butterfly kisses and knowing touches. Half asleep and sexy as hell, I'd claim her as mine as she gave herself to me over and over again. Natalia rolled in her sleep, as if sensing me, subconsciously aware of my aching desire for her. I wanted that "what if" world so badly it hurt.
Raking my hand through my hair in frustration, I simply sighed at the unfair reality of Frank Cooper getting everything I wanted, closed the door and headed to my own room before being discovered. Little did I realize how quickly my world would spin out of control in a cold cemetery a week later when the love would become too much.
I shake my head in wonder now, how all these things, these dreams I had, pale in comparison to the reality I find myself in. At long last Natalia is in my bed, spent and asleep. I'm not a patient woman. Shocking I know, but also very true and I freely admit it. I want what I want, when I want it. And I wanted her, badly. But I had stood on the porch of the one place I considered home and told her that I would wait for her. And I did so, gladly. I knew even then that Natalia was so worth the wait. And she was.
The early morning sunlight is dappled across her naked back, my fingers tracing the patterns falling there. I can hear the little birds chirping by the farmhouse window, greeting the morning with their happy song. I can relate. I feel Natalia inhale sharply, stretching and sliding seductively against my body before relaxing against me with a contented sigh. And then she stops, freezing in place as I'm sure she's piecing everything together. And all I can do is wait for it to happen.
Natalia's eyelids suddenly flicker and open and I am lost.
Her eyes lock with mine, and I watch the realization of what has finally happened last night register. The smile that instantly graces her face nearly shatters my heart with joy and the dimples bring tears to my eyes. My arms tighten around her and I smile back, my world complete. Watching her sleep is amazing, a dream come true, but having her wake up in my arms is a miracle.
It's an ordinary, everyday miracle and I am grateful.
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