DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters are the property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is pretty much entirely based off of a Casey/Olivia fanvideo I found online with the exception of the last little bit of it. This is my first venture into the SVU fandom, and I have written this story without much knowledge of the storylines and much guesswork on personalities after watching the oh, 20 episodes I have seen and the oh, 20 stories I have read. Thank you in advanced for your patience.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
What If You
By Erin Griffin
Every relationship has rough patches in them. Casey knew from the start that starting a relationship with Olivia Benson would be rough. And it was. From the unresolved past between her predecessor Alex Cabbot and Casey's own insecurities that lingered for so long afterwards, to the shared bad habit of bringing their work into the relationship, it seemed as if every mended patch only opened up another twice as big as the one they just fixed. The road Olivia and Casey traveled upon together was long and tiring, filled with aches and pain, but Casey believed the roughest roads lead to the most beautiful places.
Because with Olivia, there were sweet kisses, warm hugs and laughter, intense love making and so much more that was worth staying for, worth trying to fight for. Still, it hurt to spend evenings with the detective while the tension was high, wondering if that night will be the last night of their relationship. Every night Casey steeled herself for the words that would break her heart, sighing with relief when Olivia smiled at her and asked about her day or when she seduced her in the shower.
Though they often fought, mostly over things that, in the grand scheme of things, didn't even matter, they always found their way to their shared bed, one of them having selected the music that would lull the couple to sleep. That night was no different as Olivia selected the CD of choice and silently got to bed. She looked into Casey's eyes, their fight obviously still running through her mind, but she reached for her, placing a kiss on her forehead before laying on the pillow. Casey turned so Olivia could spoon from behind and as she did so, she heard the beginning guitar to a soft melody. Then she heard an airy male's voice, one that reminded her a lot of John Meyer, begin to sing.
What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today
I wonder if you'll miss me
When I'm gone
Its come to this, release me
I'll leave before dawn
Casey felt a long breeze of air on her neck, which meant that Olivia had let out one of her sad sighs. The ADA closed her eyes and tried not to panic. Was this it? Was Olivia planning to leave her?
But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun
Hits your eyes from your window
There'll be nothing
You can do
The lyrics seemed to confirm Casey's fear, and her eyes stung. She'd been waiting for something like this to happen and she wouldn't have been able to stop it. She knew it would've been a matter of time before one of them got tired, before one of them broke.
What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belonged
I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moon light
So for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun
Hits your eyes through your window
There'll be nothing
You can do
In the darkness of their bedroom, Casey wondered if Olivia felt out of place in the relationship. She knew that she shouldn't take everything about the song as full context of their own problems and insecurities, but it was enough to make Casey question. Were there things about both Olivia and her that just couldn't be changed to save them? She was thinking about her own time as an outcast on the squad, but what about Olivia? Was she feeling out of place because of their work?
I could have treated you better
Better than that
While I'm gone this song is your letter
Can't stay in one place
So for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun
Hits your eyes through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
As the rest of the notes filled the room, Casey let the tear slip through and fall sideways onto the pillow. She dare not give in to the sniffle she felt coming or Olivia would know. Maybe it was meant to end this way, in the gentle goodbye her lover's arms offered. Casey heard the song shift over, but she didn't pay any attention to it. She forced herself to feel the warmth of Olivia's arms and breath, the love she felt for her. She forced images of shared meals in her office, the many coffee, lunch and dinner dates they went on even before they knew that their tentative friendship was becoming more than that. She wanted to think of these things if that was all she'd have left come morning.
Casey squinted at the clock when she awoke next. It told her that her required eight hours had been met, and the emptiness of the bed beside her told her that Olivia had gone. Slowly Casey sat up so that her back touched the cold headboard, and she couldn't stop the sob that desperately wanted to escape or the hot tears that filled the silence of their home. She could no longer summon the better moments between herself and the detective that had stolen her heart when all she could feel was the loneliness that threatened to consume her already.
What felt like hours to Casey, but had indeed only been about forty minutes later, the sound of her front door opening and closing forced a startled gasp out of her. With her eyes red and puffy, and her hand filled with a ball of toilet paper, it was far too late for her to hide the fact that she had been crying. Besides, Olivia had probably forgotten something and didn't even know that Casey was up yet.
The door to their bedroom opened and Olivia Benson walked in with a cup of coffee and a small square package, both sporting the logo of the coffee shop around the corner. She stopped in her tracks when she saw the state Casey was in. She set the coffee down on the night stand and went to her, watching as the sad face turned into one of confusion.
"Casey? Honey what happened?"
"I-I thought- We fought and the song-"
"You thought I left you," Olivia finished for her. She looked away for a second and her eyebrow twitched. "Last night when I heard the song, I admit that I thought about it, but I'd never leave unless," Olivia's eyes flickered away from Casey's face as she looked upward and her eyes glittered. "Unless it is something you wanted-"
"No!" Casey said quickly, then forced herself to be calm. "I know things are rough with us, Liv, but if this morning brought me anything, its knowledge that I would rather fight for us with you than to live without you."
Olivia climbed into the bed and cuddled into Casey, only this time the two women were face to face. "With all of our fighting, I could feel that rift, too. I wanted to make up, so I thought I'd get you some coffee and a raspberry cream donut to get back on your good side."
"And you came home to a train wreck," Casey added with a small laugh made squeaky after all of her crying. Olivia kissed Casey's warm forehead, then her cheek before placing a deep kiss upon her lips.
"You're my train wreck, and I love you so much, Casey," Olivia said. Tears that had glittered before fell slowly down her cheek at the thought of being without the woman before her, but she didn't wipe them away.
Casey held on to Olivia tighter, her heart beating quickly in her chest. She never wanted her heart to feel that way again, like someone was pulling so hard on it that it was so close to snapping free from her body. "I love you too, Liv," she said through her own fresh tears.
They held each other in silence before Casey pulled away and ventured a look at her lover. Olivia's smile was meant to reassure. "We'll be okay, I think," she told the ADA. Casey nodded. She had to believe that Olivia was right or she would be lost. They had to keep fighting for each other, for them as a couple. They just had to.
The End