DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are
property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Why Didn't You Call Me?
By Esther
Part 1
Olivia entered the Bureau and looked around. It was like every other Bureau she had ever been in but there was something here that she wanted; something that had been hiding from her.
"Excuse me," she said to an attractive slender brunette. "I'm looking for Alexandra Cabot," Olivia flashed her detective's badge.
The young woman looked at Olivia with interest then pointed down the corridor, "second door on the left."
"Thanks," Olivia gave the woman her best smile and put her badge away.
Nobody paid any attention to her as she made her way down the corridor looking for the door to Alex's office.
'Bureau Chief – Alexandra Cabot' read the plaque on the door.
Olivia took a deep breath and knocked.
"Come in," a smooth voice said.
Olivia felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. It had been too long since she last heard that voice.
She opened the door to see Alex sitting behind a large desk writing away.
As Alex looked up a wave of panic and pleasure crossed her face.
"Hi Alex," Olivia choked out.
"Olivia," Alex leapt up.
They stared at each other for a moment until Alex gave a small laugh and walked around her desk to hug Olivia.
"Olivia, how are you?" Alex regained her composure.
"I'm fine," Olivia felt a little blind sided by Alex's reaction to her. She thought that Alex would have been excited and pleased to see her.
Instead, the new Bureau Chief appeared panic stricken.
"Come in," Alex closed the door to her office, fending off curious stares. "Have a seat."
"Alex?" Olivia looked at her in confusion. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing," Alex went back to her seat. "There's nothing the matter with me at all."
"You don't seem very pleased to see me," Olivia felt saddened and embarrassed.
"I am," Alex insisted. "Of course I am; it's just unexpected that's all."
"Evidently," Olivia swallowed hard.
Alex looked so good; her hair was longer, her body looked a little trimmer and the worry that had been in Alex's eyes the last time they saw each other was gone completely.
"You look good," Olivia said forcing the bitterness from her voice.
"You too," Alex responded.
Olivia knew that was not true, the amount that she had missed Alex had overwhelmed her; she had lost weight, could not sleep at night for worrying about the woman she loved. Yet here was Alex, looking better than ever as though she had never missed a night's sleep in her whole life.
They looked at one another like strangers.
Olivia felt angry. "When did you get back?" she asked.
Alex made a bridge with her hands and peered over it at Olivia. "I've been here a few months."
There was a cautious element to Alex's answer that was not wasted on Olivia.
"Were you going to call me?" Olivia leaned forward earnestly.
Alex looked away shamefaced.
"You weren't, were you?" Olivia asked heatedly.
"I just didn't know………."
"I don't believe you!" Olivia interjected. "After everything you said to me."
"Keep your voice down!" Alex looked through the blinds and out into the corridor to make sure that no one was there. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" Olivia hissed. "You broke my heart; I thought you were heartbroken like I was – still am."
"I was," Alex gave Olivia a sympathetic look.
"Was?" Olivia shook her head. "So you're over me then? Completely?"
They both stood up at the same time. It was a defence mechanism; a way to ease the parting and make a swift exit.
Alex swallowed hard.
Before she could answer there was a brisk knock at the door and Jim stuck his head in the room.
He smiled a charming smile at Olivia then said to Alex. "Are we still on for dinner tonight?"
"Jim - I um…… I…." Alex faltered. "I'll email you and let you know."
"OK," this time he gave Olivia a curious look then left.
"You're dating him," Olivia whispered; it was a realisation not a question.
"We're colleagues," Alex said.
Olivia looked at her with tears in her eyes. "That's what you used to say about us."
Olivia opened the door. "I shouldn't have come here. You obviously didn't want to be in touch with me."
"Olivia, wait," Alex reached out to grab her but Olivia was gone.
Alex closed the door to her office and then the blinds.
She sat down at her desk and fought back tears.
Seeing Olivia had forced old emotions to resurface.
Alex knew that she should have explained. Told Olivia that she had gone to find her but when she got there Olivia was with someone else. Now Olivia was gone and although Alex could find her and talk to her she doubted that Olivia would want to speak to her.
Alex put her head in her hands and sighed.
Pulling her emotions together she reached into her desk drawer and took out a mirror to check her make-up. She did not want anyone to know that the beautiful, dark, detective had upset her.
Olivia walked out of the building, down the street and into a bar.
She sat on a bar stool and ordered tequila.
She stared into the pattern of the bar top and fumed inwardly.
Alex had obviously completely moved on but to date a guy?
What the hell?
Was her career really more important to her than being honest with herself?
That was not the Alex that Olivia knew.
"Bad day?" the barman asked.
"You could say that," Olivia traced the pattern on the bar top with her finger and looked into her glass.
Jessica Rossi saw the dark haired detective enter the bar. She looked pissed.
Jessica chewed her lip thoughtfully then crossed the street and entered the bar.
The Detective was sitting at the counter, hunched over a glass.
Jessica walked up and sat on the stool next to her.
"Hi," she said. "Remember me?"
The Detective looked up. "Hi, again," Olivia forced a smile.
"I'm Jessica Rossi," Jessica held out her hand to Olivia.
"Olivia Benson," Olivia took her hand and gave it a polite shake.
"Detective Olivia Benson," Jessica corrected with a smile.
"Sure, to give me my full title," Olivia smiled again and swigged a mouthful of tequila.
"Are you OK?" Jessica asked softly.
"Yes," Olivia motioned for the bar tender to refill her glass.
"You don't look OK," Jessica said.
Olivia turned and looked at her darkly then said. "How long have you worked with Alex?"
Jessica looked thoughtful then said, "Cabot arrived at the beginning of the year. Don't worry about her upsetting you, she does that to everyone."
Olivia worked it out in her head; that meant that Alex had been back at least seven months.
"You don't like her?" Olivia observed.
"She's sleeping with the man that I lo- erm like so – I don't exactly like her all that much."
"Would that be Jim?" Olivia said.
"Yes," Jessica looked surprised. "How do you know?"
Olivia shook her head as though it did not matter.
"How do you know Alex?" Jessica pressed on.
"We used to work together."
"Ah," Jessica nodded.
"Why are you so interested if you don't like her?" Olivia's dark eyes were glassy.
"I saw you come in here and just wanted to make sure you were OK," Jessica said. "I know that Cabot can be difficult and I just wanted to know if I could help instead."
Olivia nodded as she began to understand. "You want some kind of ammunition to throw at Alex; to get one over her?"
"No…" Jessica began but Olivia cut her off.
"I'm not saying anything so you might as well leave."
Jessica got up. "We could have helped each other."
"I doubt that," Olivia waved to the barman again and as he approached said. "Just give me the bottle," she got up to find cash in her pocket but Jessica put $100 bill on the counter top.
"It's on me."
As she walked away Olivia picked up the bottle and poured a healthy measure into the glass.
"She was hot," the barman said to Olivia.
"Yup," Olivia said. "She sure was."
Alex sent the email to Jim telling him that she could not make dinner that night and then ducked out of the office before he saw her.
Outside of the building she flagged down a cab and told him to take her to the other side of town.
In the cab she twitched her knee nervously as the cab driver talked on and on about the state of the traffic.
"It's just here," she said as they approached the red building.
She paid the cabbie who was still talking as she closed the cab door and walked up the stone steps.
The buzzer rang beneath her finger and Alex waited.
No answer.
She rang again.
Still no answer.
Alex swore under her breath and went down the steps. For all she knew Olivia might have moved.
Oh well, here goes nothing.
"Olivia!" Alex shouted up to the familiar window. "Olivia!"
The curtains did not move and there was no sign of life in the apartment, although a few other people twitched their blinds to see who was shouting.
"Olivia!" Alex almost screamed the woman's name this time and felt completely humiliated.
"She's not in," a voice slurred behind her.
Alex turned to see Olivia holding her keys in her hand.
She looked a little worse for wear.
"Hi," Alex said softly.
"What are you doing here?" Olivia trotted up the steps to the door of her building. "I thought you had a dinner date."
"I cancelled," Alex looked up at Olivia, noticing that the older woman's butt that had once been perfectly shaped was now almost non existent. She had lost so much weight. "Can I come in?"
Olivia sighed. "I don't think that I can do this right now."
"I just want to talk to you."
Olivia felt her lip begin to tremble. "I get it, Alex. You've moved on."
"But I haven't!" Alex exclaimed snappily. "We need to talk."
Olivia unlocked the door. "Come on in," she said in a weary tone.
Alex followed Olivia into the building and to her apartment.
"Wow," Alex said as they stepped inside. "You've decorated."
"I've needed things to occupy my mind," Olivia shrugged out of her leather jacket and hung it up then went straight to the kitchen to brew coffee.
Alex took off her own coat and put down her briefcase in the passageway.
"The place looks great," Alex approached the kitchen.
"Thanks," Olivia muttered.
"Olivia, you have everything all wrong," Alex said.
"I think that everything was pretty clear this morning," Olivia said.
"Just listen," Alex said imploringly. "I did come to find you when I came back!"
"You did?" Olivia looked up.
"Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? The whole time I was in the WPP you were all I thought about. How on earth could you think that I would not come for you?" Alex rubbed her brow tiredly.
"Then why didn't I see you?"
"I saw you with my replacement," Alex put her hands on her hips. "She was my replacement in more ways than one by the looks of things."
"Casey?"
"Yes, I saw you and Novak at a club together, gyrating and," Alex gulped, "kissing."
Olivia's blood ran cold. It was true that she and Casey had embarked on a small fling but that was all it was.
"Oh Alex," Olivia said despairingly. "There's nothing between me and Novak."
"It didn't look that way to me."
"We had a small fling and that was all. I was lonely and missed you. I thought you were never coming back."
"I went to that club because I was confused about myself and then when I saw that it helped me to make my mind up. My career is my first love, I love the law, I love getting the bad guys and that is the way that it's going to be."
"You were gone a long time," Olivia said gently.
"I never stopped thinking about you," Alex held on to her tears.
"I was the same with you," Olivia insisted. "Then Casey and I just hit it off but she wasn't you so it didn't work out."
Alex shook her head. "I can't handle the fact that someone else has touched you, loved you."
"At least I didn't turn to men," Olivia muttered angrily.
"What would you have me do?" Alex raised her voice. "I'm a woman with needs but I have to know I can trust the person that meets my needs."
"I can't imagine that big grin Jim could meet the sexual needs of the Alex Cabot I remember," Olivia was sarcastic.
Alex laughed in shock.
"He looks like a real smarmy bastard," Olivia railed on.
"He is," Alex said her temper beginning to flare. "But his grin isn't the only thing that's big."
Olivia flared her nostrils and took a deep breath as the words stung her intoxicated brain.
"Oh well. Have a great time with him, Alex," Olivia went to her living room and sat on the sofa.
"I'm sorry," Alex felt ashamed. "I shouldn't have said that."
"No, you shouldn't," Olivia rested her head in her hands. "I don't want to know."
Alex sat next to her and wanted to reach out and touch Olivia.
"I don't love him."
Olivia sighed.
"I will never love anyone the way that I love you."
"Do you still love me?"
"More than anything," Alex rested her cheek against Olivia's shoulder.
The smell of Alex next to her was something that she had missed.
The mixture of perfume, shampoo and fabric softener had always caused a stirring in Olivia's stomach.
"I've missed you, Alex."
Alex lifted her head. "I've missed you too."
"What are we going to do?" Olivia wailed.
"Let's take things slowly," Alex suggested.
"I want to kiss you," Olivia said.
Alex reached out and pulled Olivia's mouth to hers.
"Nice and slow," she whispered before slipping her tongue between Olivia's lips.
Olivia's head spun, alcohol and hormones fused together.
Suddenly the pleasant moment was broken by the ringing of a cell phone.
The two women pulled apart and fumbled in pockets for their individual phone.
"It's me," Alex said and looked at the phone with an expression of worry.
"Then answer it," Olivia said.
Alex flipped the phone open. "Robert," she stood up walked out into the passageway.
Olivia lounged back on to the sofa and listened to Alex's conversation.
"Yes," she heard Alex say, "I don't think I can tonight. Yes."
Olivia strained her ears to listen. It was a very stilted conversation and her suspicions began to stir.
"OK," Alex said. "I'll call you later."
Olivia heard Alex flip her phone closed and looked at the blonde as she came back into the living room looking tense.
"Who's Robert?" Olivia asked innocently.
Alex reached out and took Olivia's hand as she sat down next to her.
"There's something that you need to know."
"Don't tell me he's your husband," Olivia quipped and laughed.
When Alex did not laugh Olivia, became alarmed.
"He's not your husband is he?" Olivia asked slowly.
"Not yet," Alex swallowed back tears. "We're engaged to be married in December."
Olivia leapt up and strode to the other side of the room.
"You're not joking?" she said.
Alex shook her head sadly and a single tear dropped onto her leg.
"Alex, what's happened to you?" Olivia stared at the woman that used to be her lover and shook her head in disbelief. "Everything about you is so different. Your hair, these powers suits in colours that just aren't you; your attitude and your sudden attraction to men. What happened to the Alex Cabot that I fell in love with?"
Alex looked up with an expression of bitterness. "She decided that she wanted a political career."
"Is it really worth all of this?" Olivia said. "To marry a man that you don't love, wear clothes that make you look like someone that you're not?"
"No," Alex replied quietly. "But I lost so much when I went into the WPP and I decided that I wanted something for myself."
"You want a husband and a political career?" Olivia said in disbelief. "Couldn't you have just bought a dog or something?"
Alex's eyes flashed angrily and she stood up. "I came for you; you were having a great time with someone else."
"You of all people should know that you never trust what you see. You always search for facts," Olivia pointed her finger at Alex. "I just want to get this clear in my head – you're fucking big, grin Jim but you have a fiancée. You sound very mixed up to me!"
"Maybe you mixed me up!" tears were spilling down Alex's cheeks and she wiped at them angrily. "I was in love with you and when I went into the WPP……………"
"You were even fucking a man when you were in the WPP so don't play that card!" Olivia was furious. "You're not the Alex that I loved. She would fight for people less fortunate and always do the right thing even when it was the wrong thing. You've become a tool, political pawn. It's pathetic!" Olivia stormed angrily from the room.
"Don't walk away!" Alex shouted.
She followed Olivia who was standing in the bedroom gasping for breath.
"Olivia," Alex began.
"Why did you come here Alex?" Olivia whispered. "Why?"
Alex approached the older woman and put her hand on Olivia's shoulder.
"Do you think that love can conquer all things?" Alex said.
Olivia turned so that she was facing Alex. "No," she replied honestly.
Alex took a deep breath. "I would give it all up to be with you again."
Olivia felt a tear roll down her cheek.
Alex wiped it away. "I want to be with you. I don't care what it takes."
"We can't do it. I don't want to live a secret life," Olivia said. "I don't want you to be a political machine, always having to justify ourselves to people. I don't want to become poster girls for lesbian and gay rights. I love you because you're you. Not because of your gender. I don't know if that person that I loved is still in there."
"She is," Alex assured her. "She's still here."
Olivia looked into beautiful cornflower blue eyes.
"She really is," Alex said.
"But she's engaged to be married," Olivia said sorrowfully.
"Engagements can be broken," Alex rested her forehead against Olivia's.