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Writing a Letter
By Kassandra Luem
Sighing, the blonde woman sits on her couch. It's already late at night and when she lifts her gaze to look out the window, all she sees are the lights in the apartments on the other side of the road, a few streetlamps and the ever-persistent headlights of the traffic flowing smoothly through the streets downstairs.
The mug in her hand is half filled with coffee that has long gone cold. But the blonde doesn't notice. It seems she has forgotten the cup in her hand entirely, having stayed motionless for such a long time that moving her arms and legs would feel strange and awkward now. The TVs on, but even though her eyes are firmly fixed on the screen, she doesn't take in one word that's said. In fact, her mind is on a completely different matter.
For almost a week now, ever since Tuesday night, all she thinks about are those chocolate brown eyes. Olivia's eyes. Eyes that used to be so tender when they were focussed on her. Used to. Because lately, all they ever were was hard, cold and defensive. For a while now, all she has wanted to do was scream at her what the hell she's done wrong to deserve this suspicion and rejection that always creep into Olivia's eyes when they talk to each other.
And then, Tuesday night came. The woman sighs heavily once again. Tuesday night. The night everything exploded and the force of the explosion blasted to pieces every fragment of trust and understanding they had worked so hard to obtain. Hurtful words had been exchanged until she couldn't take it anymore and left the apartment. She didn't dare to turn around and look at Olivia's eyes for fear of seeing only contempt and anger in them, when she so longed for understanding and love.
Because she really didn't want to make Olivia uncomfortable with her proposal to attend the ball together. She thought Olivia would be honored and happy to see that Alex herself was ready to take that step as it has always been her who was too afraid of people's reactions to even tell their friends that they were a couple. Olivia wanted to be open about it to everyone from the start. She said that love shouldn't be hidden like something shameful. She said that people's prejudices and narrow minds didn't matter as long as they were happy. And when Alex finally decided that she now longer wanted to hide, that she wasn't afraid to show the whole world that she was in love with Olivia, she was turned down. And not only that, Olivia suddenly became distant and so irritable that Alex soon choose to keep silent all together. She just couldn't understand her lover's behaviour any more.
Well, I guess the argument at least gave me some explication on that.
Olivia had shouted at her that she felt trapped and that Alex didn't leave her room to breathe. The words cut like knives and still do, but now that she's able to see past the hurt, it also puts some things into clearer view. Most probably Olivia felt that this was too much. Alex suddenly understood that to her lover, telling their friends and meeting the family were two matters of entirely different meaning. Because telling the family meant serious commitment. To Alex, things were different. For her, it had always been all or nothing. So if she decided to tell people that included her parents, without any thought of getting their relationship on a more serious level.
And now, Alex suddenly realized that the whole reason for their fight and the strained silences lay in that little difference of perception. Because Olivia thought that she was forcing her into a commitment she had felt trapped and because Alex just saw it as ,getting their relationship out in the open'' she was hurt to see that her proposal was met with such reluctance. Good grief, what little things can cause such big trouble, she thinks and finally sets the cold cup down on her coffee table. Because this realization certainly changes things.
But she's still unsure what to do as for all new knowledge the words still sting. And she doesn't know how to approach Olivia now, because she can't be sure that what she suspects to be the reason of their argument really is the true one. What if it only triggered something that Olivia has already felt for a long time? What if their argument made her realize that she really doesn't want to be with her any more?
Alex adverts her eyes. All this thinking is giving her a headache and she already feels lightheaded. She hasn't eaten since breakfast this morning and the other day she couldn't swallow anything if her life depended on it. The only thing her body is running on right now is coffeine, because sleep doesn't come easily to the ADA these days, either. Chocolate brown eyes are waiting right behind her eyelids, every time her eyes fall closed. She's wary, exhausted and sad. Sad for what they had and what seems to be over now. Tired blue eyes close in resignation. She may know the real reason behind their fight, but that knowledge alone doesn't give her the power to fix things again. She's not sure if she can do that at all.
And once again, Olivia's eyes appear before her. They stare at her, sad and accusingly and Alex feels a pull at her heart. No matter how much her lover yelled at her that night, she still holds her heart. And that thought carries the second realization of this night to Alex' tired mind: Olivia still holds her heart. And she won't give up on her just like that. Maybe they fought and maybe they hurt each other, but she can't imagine her life without the brown-eyed detective in it. So she's going to do everything in her power to fix this and if she still fails then she has her whole life to try and pick up the pieces left of her. Because there won't be anything else to do if Olivia decides to leave her.
But she quickly shakes that thought away for now she is a woman with a purpose. To keep her heart beating and to save the relationship with the woman who might just be the love of her life, she can allow herself no doubt. She's going to make this right, no matter what it takes.
A firm hand grabs the remote control and switches of the TV. Alex puts her feet down on the floor and starts to get up. But then she suddenly stops mid-movement. Well, saving their relationship sounds nice, but she doesn't have a clue how to go about it. Still, she refuses to sit down again. It feels like sitting down would equal giving up and that's not what she has in mind.
Instead, her feet carry her to the telephone but she puts it down halfway through dialling again. Olivia has caller-id and she's not sure she'd want to speak to her yet. She can't just drive by either because she's afraid Olivia won't open once she knows who's outside and she's not quite ready for that blow to her heart. She could always use her spare key, but that would feel too much like intruding. Suddenly she remembers the letter Olivia sent her during the first weeks of their relationship and she knows that this is what she'll do now. She'll wirte a letter.
Grabbing a pen and a paper she sits down and prepares to write, but once again she's unsure how to begin. She doesn't want to make it too long but she also needs to make sure that Olivia gets her meaning. She hesitates. The importance of this one, single letter is sitting heavily on her shoulders, weighing her down and preventing the words from coming to her help. She shakes her head. This is way more complicated than she ever wanted to find out. Wearily she switches on the radio, faintly hoping for some inspiration. But she's not prepared for what happens next. A sweet, female voice is calling out to her and as she listens to what she sings, she can feel her eyes begin to water because all the words she's lacking, the woman's got.
I won't go/ I won't sleep/ I can't breathe/ until you're resting here with me
So while the music softly fills the air of her living-room, she takes the pen and swiftly starts to write.
I'm sorry about everything that happened. I don't want to give up on us, I know we can sort this out. Please call me. I love you.
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