DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, Showtime haven't returned my emails begging to buy the characters off them. But we could have so much fun!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Wrong Place, Wrong Time
"Are you sure they won't mind?" Dana asked nervously for the fifth time.
"Look, they said I could come round whenever," Shane told her, grabbing a bottle of water from Bette and Tina's fridge and vaulting over the back of the couch, landing next to Alice. "Anyway, their flight came in half an hour ago, they will be back soon."
"Yeah well, I still don't like it." Dana looked around anxiously. "It's like we're invading their privacy. What if ?"
"Jesus Dana," Alice interrupted, throwing her cushion at her. "We know everything about them anyway, it's not like they have skeletons popping out the closet."
"Yeah, chill out man," Shane told her, trying in vain to work the TV remote. "Al, how does this thing work?"
Alice grabbed the remote from Shane and peered at it. "I don't know, I've never seen this one before." She pressed a few buttons, and suddenly all the lamps in the room switched on. "Oops."
She threw the remote back to Shane, who pressed some more buttons and managed to turn the lamps back off again.
"God, Bette and her toys," Alice complained as Shane placed the remote carefully on the coffee table in case she made something else happen. "She's always been "
Just then, they heard the sound of a key being put in the door. They turned round just in time to see Tina coming in the house. "But, what about the cases?" she called out to Bette, who was still outside.
Alice was just about to say hello, when Bette came in and kicked the front door shut behind her.
"Fuck the cases."
Uh-oh, she recognised that tone of voice. It was all low and gravely, more of a growl than anything else. That was Bette's 'I'm going to fuck you till you come long and hard' voice.
She waved at the others to be quiet, and they sat and watched as the couple, kissing furiously and fumbling with each other's buttons, slowly made their way to the bedroom.
As soon as they were out of sight, Dana turned to Alice, a look of pure panic on her face.
"Shit, what are we going to do?" she hissed.
"Nothing," Alice replied, reaching up to grab an apple from the bowl behind her.
"Nothing?!" Dana asked in disbelief, glancing between Alice and Shane, who also had an apple. "They're having sex on the other side of this wall, and you're just going to sit here and eat fruit?"
"Well, it's nothing we haven't heard before," Shane reasoned and the three fell silent as the noises coming from the bedroom increased in volume.
"Tina is one lucky woman," Alice commented, just finishing her apple as the sounds reached a crescendo, then died down. "Wow, that was quick."
"Well, it is Bette," Shane replied. "You know how good she is, Al."
Alice nodded shrewdly, and then noticed Dana's expression. "Dana?" She waved her hand in front of her friends face, then clicked her fingers a few times. "Earth to Dana? Where are you, you big lesbo?"
"Huh?" Dana snapped out of her trance, swatting at Alice's hand in annoyance. "Fuck off Alice."
"Well, that was a witty comeback," Alice retorted sarcastically.
Dana opened her mouth to say something back, when a voice from behind them made them all whirl round in surprise.
"Oh, cut it out you two." Tina, wearing her robe, walked past them and fell down into the armchair opposite them, not even raising an eyebrow at the fact that there were three people in her living room.
Alice and Shane exchanged puzzled glances as Dana's mouth fell open.
"How come you're not surprised to see us?" Alice asked.
"I saw you on the way in," Tina explained, motioning for Shane to pass her an apple too. "Well, on the way to the bedroom," she grinned, then noticed all the blinds were closed. "Hey, have you been playing with Bette's new remote? She's not going to be happy "
As if on cue, Bette walked in, still pulling a tank top over her head. "Baby, who are you talking to?" she asked, then stopped in mid step, her mouth forming a perfect circle of surprise.
There was a rather uncomfortable pause, before Alice broke it. "Porter, stop flashing your tits! I'm not complaining, but I think Dana is about to have a heart attack." She pointed to a rather gob smacked Dana, who had begun to gawp like a fish.
Hurriedly pulling down her top, Bette looked from her friends on the couch, to Tina, and back again.
"Please tell me you just arrived, and I didn't hear the doorbell," she pleaded.
"'Fraid not, stud," Alice said, shaking her head. "We've been here for quite some time."
"And you knew about this?!" she asked Tina incredulously, shooting her an accusing glare. Tina nodded. "Why didn't you say something?"
Tina stood up and walked over, placing her hands on Bette's shoulders to try and calm her down. "Baby, when you're in that mood, I couldn't care if the whole of West Hollywood was in our living room."
Bette's face softened, and she chuckled. "Ok, ok, I forgive you." She leaned in to give her a quick kiss on the lips, but pulled away when she noticed something over Tina's shoulder.
"Right, who touched my remote?!"
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