DISCLAIMER: Itís all the fault of this discussion on the Athenaeum Forum. The story really wasnít supposed to turn out like this, but in the end (as always) I have very little to no control over certain aspects of my mind.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Super Duper Uber Wunderbar
By k alexander

 

She heard the sounds of distress even before she rounded the corner, her sharp ears twitching.

"Xamantha!" her friend Ellie hissed, an edge of

"Xamantha? It always had a normal 'S' at the front. What the hell?"

"Well, it's an X now. Get with the program. Where was I…?"

"Xamantha!" her friend Ellie hissed, an edge of panic to her voice. When she turned towards her friend, she noticed that Ellie's gaze was fixed on the alley across the road, and immediately her own sharp cerulean orbs tracked the

"Cerulean orbs?"

"It means blue eyes. Stop interfering."

"I KNOW what it means. What the hell's going on? My sharp ears are twitching, my sharp eyes are tracking around – I sound like a friggin' science experiment gone wrong. Or a hamster with superpowers."

"Shut up and co-operate, would you? Kindly?"

.. and immediately her own sharp cerulean orbs tracked the length of that dark alleyway to the dead end, where two thugs were beating up on a small blonde bundle.

"We've got to do something!" Ellie hissed urgently. "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"

"What?" Xamantha indignantly sputtered. "You want food now? Are you crazy?? We have to take action!"

"Eating IS an action. And "be killed" isn't really at the top of my list of other things I have to do, Xam. Let's go." Grabbing Xam's arm Ellie worked hard not to faint girlishly at the sensation of rolling muscle under her fingers. "It's none of

"Stop. I know what this is."

"Could you shut up and maybe stop talking to me?"

"Oh no, buster. You're not doing this to me. I'm in an uber, aren't I?"

"First of all, don't call me buster. Okay? Call me by my name. Or better still, call me ma'am. Secondly, you don't get to talk to the writer. You're a character. I made you up. So stop squirming and get in there and be a friggin' hero!"

"No."

"Whaddayamean NO? You have no free… Excuse me a second, okay?"

"It's none of our business, Xam! We could get hurt."

A sudden flashback flashed back through Xam's head. She remembered her beloved Emyly Jayde Rychardson; her smile, her smell (cookie dough), her perfect body, her long wavy blonde hair. If she hadn't been so tough she would have cried like a baby, but she was tough. Tough as nails. Tough as a truck tyre. How many other things can you think of that are tough? Let's make a list…

"Now listen here. I can't keep covering for you. There's an AUDIENCE out there, and I… you're waving, aren't you?"

"Erm…"

"Stop it. Don't be a dork. I don't care what you do in your free time, X, but right now you're going to be heroic and noble and HOT."

"I don't wanna. And furthermore, when they delivered those uber forms I ticked 'no thank you', and as far as I know, it's optional. You can't force me to be an uber just because I have black hair."

"From now on it's glossy black or pitch-black or raven and in perfect condition. End of discussion. Shut up and get in there."

When the sudden flashback mercifully stopped, Xam just knew that she had to save this person (gender unknown). Something inside her, something ancient and archetypal, urged her on.

"Hang on, is this a...?"

Her long lean – yet muscular - jean-clad legs carrying her over the road at breakneck speed, Xam barrelled into the alleyway, her mouth drawing back into a fierce rictus that was very very scary, but still somehow terribly attractive. If the bullies had been facing that way they would have wet themselves, but as it was they were facing the other way because they were both kicking the maggots out of the small blonde person, gender unknown.

"You there! Bullies!"

It was like a sonic boom, ricocheting off the walls, Almost like an ancient battle cry. really. The two men turned, awed by the power of her lungs, and then they were both simply awed by the power of her supreme attractiveness. She stood, coolly staring down two men twice her size, who had just kicked the maggots out of someone, alone in an alley, and she looked magnificent.

"Lookie here, Gus," the one leered just as they always did. "I'm done with the little one anyway!"

"Um… Marvin?" the other one ventured hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"She's not running away screaming, like she should be. That makes me sort of nervous."

"Shuddup, Gus," Marvin snapped, "are you scared of a girl?"

Looking her impressive physique up and down Gus nodded, both in appreciation and in agreement. "Yep."

"You. Stop leering at me and let that person (gender unknown) go." Xam commanded nobly.

"I'll die first," Marvin announced glibly, and then he had his ass kicked.

She was so fast that it was almost a blur. Grabbing Marvin by his collar she yanked him forward, and then somersaulted over him to land squarely on Gus's shoulders. A quick yank drove the men's heads together with a thunk. With one strong forearm she swept Marvin's feet from under him and then

"Wait a cotton picking minute. How do I sweep his legs from under him if I'm sitting on the other guy's shoulders? I'm no slouch, but I'm not a friggin' contortionist…"

"Artistic license. Get warmed up. We're only just beginning."

"But they're already almost out cold! How come… "

"Shhhh."

With one strong forearm she swept Marvin's feet from under him and then balanced on her palms, flicking up her feet sharply to kick Gus squarely in the chest. He collapsed backwards, gasping

"This is physically impossible. I'm on top of him and then I… and then with the… what am I going to do next? Pull out my arm through my ass and tenderize him with it?"

"Your sarcasm is not appreciated, and for your information I will be editing out any sneaky little attempts at snark."

"I am NOT being snarky! I ticked 'yes' for the parodies!"

"We can't always have what we want, can we?"

"Hmph. I suppose not, because otherwise you'd have been a better writer."

He collapsed backwards, gasping convulsively… and then suddenly produced a flick knife from nowhere, slashing her arm sharply.

"Oh great. Real mature. Way to get me back."

With an irritated grimace she kicked the knife from his hand. The spinning motion embedded it perfectly and deeply in Marvin's shoulder. Grasping for the hilt, the bully let loose an unearthly scream and then scuttled backwards, motioning to a rapidly backtracking Gus before they both tore away from the scene of the crime.

Heedless of the copiously bleeding knife wound, Xam dropped to her knees next to the little blond bundle, gender unknown.

"Are you okay?"

Slowly the small body unfurled, revealing a pair of mystical magical perfectly marvellous emerald eyes, and the unfamiliar familiarity of the scene hit Xam so hard that she nearly had another flashback.

"No you didn't."

"Shush."

"Do I know you?" the emerald-orbed blonde stuttered, her voice like a melody to Xam's ears.

Tenderly Xam lifted a remarkably gore-free hand and smoothed back the soft glowing shiny tendrils of blonde hair sticking to the heart-shaped face. "No. You don't know me. I would have remembered you."

Glancing down at her battered form, and then up at the intensely blue eyes hovering concernedly above her, the small blonde scowled. "Are you hitting on me? Now??"

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Not another one! If you don't co-operate I'm making you a starving artist. And you, tall girl, stop smirking."

"No," Xam protested gently, "but I can't help feeling as though I've met you before."

"Huh." Rising to her knees the blonde winced and poked around inside her mouth with her tongue experimentally. "But I ahked if I gnew you and you thed no and gabe me a line an now you thayin you think you meth me bethor?"

"Um…"

"I thought so." The small blonde woman turned as if to walk away, and then spun back, pointing at the cut on Xam's arm almost accusingly. "And what is that?"

"This?" Now that the adrenaline from her amazingly graceful and magnificent deed had faded, the cut stung like a mother. "Ouch. Oh. The one guy got me with his knife."

"Serves you right."

Xam thought she'd misheard the cantankerous mutter. "What?"

"You heard me. You were showing off."

"Listen, blondie, that's enough! The two of you are going to be wonderful and mystical and perfect. And you're going to hate each other…"

"I'm already there…"

"…and then love each other…"

"Now hold on a second…"

".. and then have hot monkey sex, and then you can go and do whatever it is you like on your own time. Needlepoint, woodwork, whatever…"

"Hold on. Hot monkey sex?"

"Yes. The earth shattering Herculean yodelling and speaking in tongues type. You got a problem with that?"

"With her?"

"Hey, what's wrong with me??"

"Yes, with her. She's hot. Get over it."

"Mm…."

"Excuse me? Can we all not talk about me as if I'm not here? I ticked 'parodies', and I demand…"

"Okay. Fine. She IS sort of hot. I haven't had monkey sex in a while. You've got a deal, but get on with it."

"WHAT? I was still talking! And what do you mean 'sort of'?"

"X. Shut up and rescue the girl while she'll still let you."

"Showing off?" Glowering magnificently, Xam glared down at the adorable short bundle of gorgeousness.

"Yes. But it was kind of impressive. Let me see your arm."

"It's nothing, really." Xam's gaze tracked the smaller woman's frame, enjoying her compact yet shapely frame even as she noted the many alarming bruises and seeping injuries with concern. "We have to get you looked at, though."

"NO!" The small blonde's hand grasped at Xam's arm convulsively.

"Yow!"

"Oops. Sorry. But I can't go to the hospital. They'll find me there."

Xam raised one beautiful arched eyebrow in gorgeous query. "They?"

"Yes. They." The small woman glanced left and right. "In fact, I think you may have to take me to your house right now to avoid they."

"You mean them, ri… YOW!!"

"Sorry." When the smaller adorable woman removed her hand from Xam's arm she swayed noticeably, and then her normally golden skin (even when she was injured and on the verge of death) turned a sickly – yet endearing, like a bunny rabbit – shade of white.

"Whoa. Hold on." Lifting the smaller adorable bundle as if she barely weighed anything (which she didn't, because for all the muscle and compactness she was really very very lean) Xam swung her into her arms.

"But wait, your arm…" the girl weakly protested. Xam batted away her concern as if she were at the Ashes and actually knew anything about cricket.

"It's nothing."

As they exited the alley the smaller cuter woman glanced left and right. "Wasn't there someone with you earlier?"

"Hmm." Looking down the street Xam nodded. "My friend Ellie. Wait, how did you know that?"

Large sweet guileless emerald eyes stared up at her trustingly, as the small blonde furrowed her brow in an adorable frown. "I…. don't know. I just…felt it. As if I was there with you when you were outside the alley, looking in at the guys kicking the maggots out of me…"

"Huh." Xam could not tear her azure gaze away from the one looking up at her so trustingly. "Mystical. Amazing. I know exactly what you mean."

"You've got to be kidding me..."

"X, you're starting to annoy me."

"You wrote me, which means that's your problem, buster. So you seriously put me in a SOULMATE story??"

"Does it really matter? Can't we just get this done so I can start drinking or shooting up heroin or something?"

"Look, I just said no thanks to the ubers, but I firmly circled the 'no' next to 'soulmates'. Until the paper tore, in fact!"

"And then you ticked the 'agree to terms and conditions' box."

"Yes?"

"I suggest you read the fine print when you have a moment, sweetie, especially the bit about where the writer really doesn't care. Now get back in there."

"So I hope nothing happened to your friend."

Xam looked down in confusion. "Huh?"

"Your friend. Who the bad guys incidentally had to run right past to get out. And who isn't here anymore."

"Oh. Her." Shaking her head easily the tall woman began to stride down the road with her precious cargo ensconced firmly in her strong though gentle arms. "No. Ellie should be fine. She said she wanted Chinese, so I'm sure that's where she went."

The small blonde nodded. "Congruo."

"What?"

"It's Latin for 'okay'."

"You speak Latin?"

"Frequently."

The tall dark attractive woman looked impressed. "I'm impressed. I only speak Italian, Zulu and French. I learnt to speak Mandarin when I was on a special mission in Hong Kong with the FBI, but then I got shot in a heroic but covert situation, and had to be flown back home for extensive physiotherapy. Emyly Jayde… my physiotherapist… she… she helped me walk again, and I could even take up the very mysterious martial art I had been practicing before the injury… but I lost Emyly Jayde in a car accident when a man I'd been secretly tracking poisoned her oatmeal. Now I can't ever speak Mandarin again without having flashbacks. I… oh…"

"Are you okay?"

The tall dark magnificent woman pulled herself together admirably. "Yes. Yes, I'm perfectly fine. Completely. Hen hao. Argh!"

Patting the muscled corded smooth tanned strong forearm around her gently, the blonde shook her head. "All this from a little bit of Latin?"

With a shudder Xam stopped the impending flashback from flashing back. "So why do you speak Latin, of all things?"

"Because Babel Fish is free."

"Don't think I don't see the snarking."

"It's not snarking when it's true."

"Don't mess with me, blondie, or you'll never get the hot monkey sex. I'll turn you into a nun. Or I'll stop the scene before the action."

"Hey! Nuh uh! Don't be like that!"

"Then behave. And you, stop giggling."

Suddenly pain shot through the small woman's abused little body. "Ow!" She tried to moan surreptitiously. At the low throaty sound Xam really tried to be concerned, but the sheer sexiness of the cry of agony was undoing her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. No. I'm just a little sore. How far are we from your place?"

"We're here." Fishing for her keys in her pocket with dexterous fingers Xam unlocked the security door of the apartment building and carefully climbed the set of stairs, not even winded from the small bundle snuggled in her arms.

"Say," she said, looking down at the golden head, "what's your name anyway?"

"Gaby."

"Short for something?"

"Is that a height joke??"

"Um… here we are, then." Stepping through her front door she closed it with her foot and took Gaby through the lovely inviting living room to the bedroom. She laid the smaller woman down gently on her white bedspread, heedless of the copious amounts of blood. "I'm just going to get the medical kit."

The pretty blonde smiled at her as she returned, instantly turning her battle-hardened arteries into waterfalls, and her strong knees into jelly.

"Thank you for saving me."

"Oh, it's my pleasure." She wanted to sit down on the edge of the bed, but due to her jellied knees found herself plonked ass-first on the carpet.


OR WOULD HAVE, HAD THIS BEEN A FARCE. GLARE. No, she sat down gently on the edge of the bed and wiped the hair away from her patient's forehead tenderly. "I'm going to have to clean your wounds, and it will hurt."

Gaby looked back at her with trusting emerald orbs. "I trust you. I don't know why, but I do."

"Magical." Xam smiled, which made her incredible beauty all the more obvious. "So let's take off your shirt… "

A wide smile split Gaby's face. "Already with the monk… "

"Stop right there!"

"But I was just going to ask about the hot monkey sex!"

"I KNOW!"

"Buster, she's got a point. When are we doing the hot sex thing? Now? I haven't brushed my teeth yet…"

"This is a tender hurt/comfort scene, and you're RUINING it! Can you just let me write the story and cooperate a little? And don't call me BUSTER!"

"Golly gosh, but you're tetchy."

"Isn't she just?"

"GET BACK IN THERE OR YOU'RE BOTH SAVING YOURSELVES FOR MARRIAGE!!"

A wide smile split Gaby's face. "Already with the monk…-like ability to give comfort."

"Hmm." Xam smiled back as she began to unbutton Gaby's shirt, taking care not to stare at the wonderful bosom slowly being unveiled. "Strangely put, but I'll bite. Yes, I did indeed go to a monastery for six months when I was younger. I learned an unmentionable martial art, and how to make the best stir-fry this side of the equator, and also how to treat minor injuries. I still think of Master Pham with joy. Now let's see."

With experienced hands she began to examine the small blonde's severely bruised body. "Well, I don't think anything's broken, but you do have extensive bruising here over the ribs…"

"OW! Then would you mind not poking them so very… um… yes, they don't even feel that bad anymore."

"Sorry." It was becoming harder…

Snigger.

"Shut up."

… not to look at her magnificent breasts surging up under Xam's touch like a wave crashing onto the beach.

"Um. I'll have to take off your bra as well to reach that nasty cut."

Gaby blushed and lifted her arms in an adorable way. "Okay. Go ahead."

When Xam ran her hands down Gaby's arms towards the aforementioned piece of clothing, the feeling of rightness was just so right that she couldn't help herself anymore. Her trembling fingers brushed across the stiff peak already forming under the lace, and then she tore off the bra with her mouth.

"STOP IT! I'm writing a very tender scene! You can't just go at it like a porn star!"

"It's going to be REALLY tender if she doesn't get off my once-broken ribs and start making with the whoopee right now.."

… and then she bent down hesitantly. Their lips brushed together softly; once, then twice… and then Gaby wrapped her hands in bushels of Xam's hair and yanked her closer for a proper damned kiss.

"Hey!"

"Mph?"

"Stop that when I'm talking to you! Or writing you… whatever! Just stop it!"

"Wait… wait…" Xam protested against the blonde's questing mouth, even though the woman was kissing her like she had never been kissed before. "I can feel in my heart that this… this thing between is so right, but shouldn't we take it a little more slowly?"

"Nope." Gaby rolled them over and launched herself on top of the other woman, ripping open her shirt with such force that a button pinged into the air and shattered the light bulb. The filament started to buzz in a weird high-pitched tone, but nobody cared.

"Now wait a cotton picking…"

"Goodness me, but you can kiss," Xam gasped out as she prised her lips off Gaby's for the barest second before lunging right back. They rolled over again and fell off the bed, snagging the curtains and pulling them off the rail completely, collapsing the canopy bed in the process. The fluttering material billowed too close to the buzzing filament, and suddenly there were copious sparks. Nobody cared.

"Oh Xe…"

"Oh Gab…"

"Oh, for heaven's sake!"

As we close the scene on a burning building that appears to be infested by howler monkeys, the writer denounces this entire piece of nonsense and will accept no responsibility for any of it.

THE FRIGGIN' END

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