DISCLAIMER: Mass Effect and all its characters are the property of EA/Bioware. Don't read if having a story made up entirely of recorded dialogue offends you. Oh, or that 'sex between women' stuff.
SPOILERS: Plot and ending spoilers for Mass Effect 2. But then, you really should have played it at least once by now.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Yeoman's Log
By EldritchSandwich


[Directory: Team Debriefings, Omega 4 Relay Incident, Normandy SR-2]

File 01/11 [Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau]

"Sit down, Joker."

"Thanks. Uh...look, I know what this is about, okay, but ever since the Collector base EDI and I have been working like a well-oiled machine and her pilot, so whatever she told Shepard..."

"Joker! You're not in trouble. Commander Shepard told me that since the end of the mission, she's been concerned about how the crew's holding up. Between a suicide run on the Collectors and our...tacit defection from Cerberus, she wasn't certain how people might be reacting, so I volunteered to conduct these interviews, just to get a sense of the crew's feelings."

"Seriously? That's what this is about? Well then hell, you're wasting your time here. Why don't you go talk to Miranda and Jacob?"

"I plan to, but right now I'm talking to you."

"Hey, listen, I've known the Commander longer than anyone else on this ship. Flying into the center of the galaxy and telling the Illusive Guy to go screw himself are two of the least crazy things I've done since I met her. I did mention that she made me land on top of an active volcano once, right?"

"So you're adjusting."

"Look, I'll follow the Commander into the heart of a star if I have to. Aw shit, she's gonna hear that I said that, isn't she? I didn't mean that the way it sounded, Commander, I just...Goddamnit."

"Okay, I think that's it. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

[Clears throat] "Huh, yeah. Well...actually I was wondering...when you're finished with these interviews, if you want to have a drink sometime..."

"Mm-hm. We'll see, Joker."

"Cuz you know, my bones aren't really as brittle as everybody lets on..."

"Goodbye, Jeff!"

File 02/11 [Garrus Vakarian]

"I never trusted Cerberus in the first place. Personally, I think Shepard should have sent them packing from the beginning. No offense. But then, if she had, I guess none of this would have happened, so let's just say I'm grateful for how the timing's worked out."

"It didn't bother you going through that relay knowing you might die?"

[Laughs] "I've been in worse spots. A few of which Shepard didn't even get me into."

"Is it itching?"


"Your scar, you keep touching it."

"Do I? Sorry, I...it's just a reminder, I guess."


"Of the fact that I'm not what I used to be. Of how far I've come."

"You could say that it's because of Commander Shepard that you have that scar."

"I could. I could also say that it's because of her I'm not smeared all over the walls of that apartment back on Omega. Shepard's a good soldier, and a damn fine commanding officer, and she already takes too much responsibility on herself.

"I don't blame her. I don't."

File 03/11 [Doctor Mordin Solus]

"Me? Fine. Never better. Well, not never, obviously. Precious moments from childhood. First breeding contract. Initiation into STG. Hard to compare. Still, no complaints. Well, not no complaints. Lab seems small lately, no more Collector research to keep me busy, keep thinking about Tuchanka. First geth base, then Collector base...been thinking about genophage, about my part in it. Alternatives. Idle speculation, mostly. Distracting. Still trying to tamp down scale itch outbreak, of all things. Still no idea how it got on board, was wondering if you had any information. Not to cast aspersions on your sexuality, not blaming, though I have heard rumors. Somewhat curious, actually, but inappropriate, not really my place. Don't much understand other species' reproductive rituals, anyway. Confusing, disordered. Prefer salarian method. Ensures strong genetic transference and social cohesion. All in the way you look at it, really, but still subject of academic interest. Apologize. What was the question?"

"Uh...never mind, Doctor. I think that's it."

File 04/11 [Urdnot Grunt]

[Clearing throat]

"Um...thank you, Grunt...that's all."

File 05/11 [Justicar Samara]

"In truth, I am more concerned with your mental health, Yeoman Chambers."


"Indeed. I was not the one trapped inside one of those Collector pods awaiting liquefaction."

"I...I'm fine, really."

"I apologize. I am not a counselor and did not mean to presume."

"I am. It's...we should talk about you."


"I'm fine. I am.

"I'm fine."


File 06/11 [Thane Krios]

"I appreciate your directness, but dying did not concern me even before my illness. As for Cerberus...my loyalty has never been to them."

"You care deeply about the Commander, don't you?"

"It's okay. She doesn't have to hear this part."

"Since my wife's death, I...as an assassin, one does not meet a great many virtuous people. Her light is...even though I know that nothing will ever come of it, I still feel drawn to her."

"Believe me, I know what you mean. Commander Shepard's...a charismatic woman. With...a really nice ass."

[Chuckles] "I didn't think it my place to ask, but...from what Garrus told me about the Commander and Liara T'Soni, and the way the two of you look together...it's none of my business."

"It's okay, Thane. And no. Not that I haven't tried. I've done everything but go up to her cabin and do a striptease. Even after what happened with Dr. T'Soni on Illium, I still don't think she can even see anyone else."

"I suppose that kind of affection is something to be envied. As hectic as our lives are...if that is what she needs to keep her sane, who are we to begrudge her?"


File 07/11 [Subject Zero, "Jack"]

"Oh, oh God! Right there! Oh fuck, your tongue! No, a little...slow down. Please, slow do...oh, oh my God...ah! Yes, yes! Jack! Harder, harder, ah..."


"Oh, God, Jack..."

"What's the matter, Cerberus, too hot for you?"

[Laughs] "God, Jack, I knew you had a lot of pent-up frustration, but...where the fuck did you learn how to do that?"

"Prison. Which means you better come over here and clean me up if you...what the fuck? You turned on the recorder?"

"Well I didn't exactly know you were going to jump me!"

[Laughs] "You filthy slut. You want to get into Shepard's army-issue panties that bad? Make her listen while you get fucked?"


"Listen to this, Shepard."

[Sighs] "The things some people will do to keep from talking about their feelings..."

File 08/11 [Bipedal Platform "Legion"]

"Shepard Commander has pledged herself to defeating the Old Machines. Doing so will ensure the freedom of the geth and all life in this galaxy. Our loyalty is to her for as long as she opposes the Old Machines."

"Uh...well what about Cerberus?"

"Beyond having provided the resources necessary to defeat the Collectors, and barring any future retaliation for our defection, Cerberus is irrelevant."

"Um...okay. I...I'm sorry, it's just...talking to a geth, I still haven't..."

"Your reaction is understandable. You are, however, making an effort to overcome prejudiced thinking, which is appreciated. At the very least, you have not threatened this platform with physical violence."

"Who...exactly did that?"

"Donnelly Lieutenant. Gardener Sergeant. Garrus Vakarian. Joker Lieutenant. Lawson Operative. Shepard Commander. Subject Zero. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Taylor Operative. Urdnot Grunt. This crew appears to be predicated on displays of casual hostility."

"Oh, you don't know the half of it."

File 09/11 [Tali'Zorah vas Normandy]

"Don't misunderstand, I would have dropped everything to follow Shepard even if she'd announced we were becoming batarian pirates. But you work for Cerberus. You know what they've done to my people."

"But you trust her enough to overlook that?"

"It's not about trust, it's about...Keelah, you don't even have a word for it in your language. It's about knowing where my soul has to be. And that's here, following her."

"You sound very sure."

"I was...a little girl the first time I met her. Fresh out on my Pilgrimage, thinking I could change the galaxy. She showed me so many things, things I'd only heard about in stories, and even when I went back to the Fleet I never stopped thinking about what we did together. It was so much bigger than anything else in my life, I don't know if I can ever really go back again."

"Can I...could I ask you a personal question?"

"I suppose."

"You were with Commander Shepard on the original Normandy. You knew her and Dr. Liara T'Soni when..."

[Giggles] "Those two were...they seemed to just fall together like pieces in a puzzle cube. I'd never seen two people become that close that quickly, and all of us could tell that they...well, I imagine it must have been hard, seeing her again on Illium." [Sighs] "I'm not ashamed to admit that I've found myself...a little taken with the Commander from time to time. Not that I'd ever act on it, she's just..."

"A knight in shining armor."


File 10/11 [Operative Jacob Taylor]

"You know, I joined Cerberus to make a difference. But ever since I joined up with this crew, I kind of feel like maybe the difference I thought I was making wasn't the one I wanted. You ever feel like that?"

"I...I don't know. I guess."

"Quit the Alliance when they wouldn't do what had to be done to keep us safe. But seeing what Cerberus has done...I have to wonder if there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed."


"Hey, have you talked to Miranda yet? Figure she's got to be taking this pretty hard, but she won't even let the Commander in."

"I was saving her for last. Any advice?"

[Laughs] "Hell, I don't know. Get her to either relax or take a swing at you. Preferably both."

File 11/11 [Operative Miranda Lawson]

"So, Yeoman, how's the team holding up?"

"Remarkably well under the circumstances. You're the last one I have to talk to before I make my report to the Commander."

"Did the geth say anything interesting? I'm still not a hundred percent about having it onboard."

"I'm supposed to be interviewing you, Ma'am."

"I'm fine. Don't bother, really."

"You've been with Cerberus longer than any of us. It can't have been easy leaving them behind."

"If that's what we're doing. Look, my father used me for his own purposes, I...I suppose I always knew deep down that the Illusive Man was doing the same."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"No. I knew what I was getting into. Why cry about it?"

"You seem awfully tense."

"It's been a long week."

"Jacob was worried about you, you know."

"Oh, really? Give you any advice?"

"A little. He told me I should get you to relax. Or give you something to take your frustration out on."

"I'm not frustrated!"

"Aren't you? Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Can I stop you?"

"When was the last time you had an orgasm?"


"I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"Well, it might help you relax, and it might just let someone else get close to you."

[Door chime]

"Come to think of it, it might also give you something to take your frustration out on."

"What are you..."

"Right on time. Come in."

"Jack? What the hell are you...oh.


"Ohhhh, yes..."

[Logging Out]

The End

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