DISCLAIMER: ER and its characters are the property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television.
SPOILERS: for Season 12 Episode #16, "Out on a Limb".
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
You Can
By Susan P
"You know, it's not easy being alone, but I've always felt I could
depend on you."
"You can," Abby replied quietly.
They both knew that there was a time that wouldn't have been
true, but both had the good grace not to point it out. Over the
years, she and Kerry had managed to forge a strange
relationship--and a stronger bond than she could have possibly
imagined.
Abby fumbled in her lab coat pocket for a pen and unfolded the
paper with trembling fingers. She blinked back tears and turned
away slightly as she bent to sign the form. She was awed by the
depth of Kerry's trust in her and more worried than she would
dare admit about the possibilities that the document represented.
In the ER, Kerry was a force to be reckoned with, but Kerry had
become a quiet, steady presence in her life and Abby didn't want
to imagine a future without Kerry in it.
She squeezed her eyes shut tightly for a moment and tried to
steady her breathing before turning back to face Kerry.
"Here you go," Abby hoped her voice sounded more steady than
she felt inside. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a
cliff, teetering on the precipice. However, she found she was less
afraid of falling than of leaving things left unsaid. Somehow, she
managed to find her voice again.
"And before they come back to finish prepping you, we need to
get a couple of things straight. First, I don't see you as disabled
because you are so much more than that to me. You're one of the
best doctors I've ever seen, and learning from you has made me
better. You're caring, compassionate, beautiful, and fierce.
With or without the crutch, you'll find your way, because you can
do anything. You're Kerry Weaver!"
She watched Kerry's eyes slide away from hers in
embarrassment. Abby could almost hear the self-doubt creeping
around Kerry's heart, and she knew she had to do something to
pull Kerry out of herself.
She reached out to cup Kerry's cheek in her hand and pulled
gently but insistently until Kerry was again focused on her.
She couldn't resist the urge to stroke Kerry's soft skin with her
thumb. She tried telling herself that it was just a means of
holding Kerry's attention, which she was certain she had. Kerry's
dilated pupils told her that much, and she reveled in that small
sign of her power to affect the almighty Weaver. But, the more
she touched, the more she wanted to touch, and the harder it
became to deny that touching Kerry was an end in itself.
"That's how I see you," Abby insisted.
Abby was still and quiet and open while Kerry's eyes bored into
hers, measuring her words, measuring her. When Kerry's eyes
slid closed a long moment, Abby's thumb resumed its gentle
caresses.
When Kerry reopened her eyes, there was a quiet acceptance
there, and Abby smiled to see it.
"And one more thing," she continued. "You are not going
anywhere. You're going to get through this surgery, and you are
going to fight your way through rehab the way you fight your
way through everything else, because it's who you are, and
because you have too much to live for."
She reached out with her other hand to cup Kerry's face between
her palms.
"Henry needs you. This hospital needs you." Abby sighed,
feeling the sting of impending tears again. "And I need you,
too," she croaked, before leaning in to place a light kiss on
Kerry's temple.
Once her lips had tasted Kerry, she couldn't stop herself from
breathing, "Don't leave me," in a shaky whisper against Kerry's
skin. Then, before she even realized what she was doing, she
was leaning down and guiding Kerry's face up to meet hers.
Kerry's lips beneath hers were soft and very, very still--at first.
Just as Abby registered Kerry's lack of response and started to
panic, Kerry made a small sound in her throat and her lips
twitched slightly. Then Kerry began to respond, tentatively, at
first, and then with more and more enthusiasm.
Abby couldn't contain her moan when she felt Kerry's fingers
sliding up to grip the back of her neck. Kerry's lips moved
beneath hers and opened readily to admit Abby's tongue. She
had known instinctively that Kerry would not be the one to cross
that line and, having started this, Abby was determined to make
the most of whatever intimacies Kerry would allow. This
moment might be the only one she got, and she didn't want to
have any regrets about chances not taken.
Feeling Kerry's hand gripping her head more firmly, Abby
reached around with her right hand to hold Kerry's head close.
Their mouths melded together, tasting each other, sharing what
breath they could manage to spare as their kisses became deeper
and hungrier. They finally broke apart only when taking in
oxygen became more important than taking in each other.
They didn't let go, however, just relaxed their grip slightly as
their lips parted. Abby leaned her forehead against Kerry's, and
they remained like that a few moments, each out-of-breath and
panting slightly. Abby wished that her fingers could be buried in
Kerry's hair instead of resting against that damned surgical cap.
It was an unpleasant reminder of their situation, and the fact that
someone was likely to come in any moment to finish prepping
Kerry. Given the circumstances, Abby decided she'd better pull
away while she still could.
She bent to give Kerry one last, relatively chaste, kiss before
pulling back. She could see the wonder, the desire, and all the
questions she wasn't sure she could answer--at least not in the
time they had--in Kerry's eyes. It could wait. It would have to.
"I'll see you when you get out of surgery," she promised softly.
She didn't know what else to say. Not yet.
Kerry apparently had the same problem, because she merely
nodded in response, even though she still studied Abby closely.
Abby allowed the inspection for a moment before turning to
leave. She felt Kerry's eyes on her like a caress as she walked
out, and it did nothing to calm the tingling in her skin, or the
butterflies in her stomach.
Abby found the O.R. nurse to ask her to, "Page me when Kerry
Weaver goes into recovery." The nurse nodded in response and
Abby half-turned to go before looking back to add, "and...with
any updates. Especially if..." She couldn't finish the sentence,
but the nurse reached out to touch her arm as she nodded her
understanding.
"We'll take good care of her, Dr. Lockhart."
"It's Abby." Abby covered the nurse's hand where it rested on
her arm and thanked her. It occurred to her to wonder whether
the nurse might have seen what happened with Kerry, but she
was too grateful for the compassion she saw in the other woman's
eyes to care. She had bigger things to worry about than the
hospital grapevine, at the moment. She thanked the nurse again
before retreating to the nearest restroom. Once there, it finally
hit her what she had done, what they had done.
"Oh God," she breathed. She leaned against one of the sinks and
stared into the mirror above it, no longer quite sure who it was
who was looking back at her. Or what she was going to do next.
She didn't know what, if anything, might happen next with
Kerry. Or what she would do about Luka. The kiss had raised
far more questions than it had answered. Her sense of self had
shifted somehow, and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about
anything anymore.
"'Get a couple of things straight,' I said," Abby rolled her eyes at
herself. "So how did I manage to get things so twisted?"
It seemed there was a world of difference between indulging in
the occasional idle fantasy and actually acting upon the impulse.
She looked closely at her face in the mirror, took in the still-dilated pupils, the mussed hair, the slightly swollen lips, and
found she wasn't sorry for anything that had happened.
And she realized that she was certain of at least one thing. She
would do everything possible to make sure she was there when
Kerry woke up. Any questions she had in the meantime could
wait until she could look into Kerry's eyes again.
The End