DISCLAIMER: The characters herein are the property of Fox, CBS, NBC etc. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope ralst doesn’t mind, but I scooped some F.A.G. members and had a party. Blame my muse, she’s a tramp.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Femslash Advocacy Group – Winter C.O.U.G.A.R. Mixer
Ruth Truewell and Sarah Connor stood by a dumpster down a deserted alley. Ruth idly checked her watch. "Where is she?"
"Probably lurking in her attic again...wait, here she comes now." Sarah saw a familiar dark figure, long legs striding down the alley towards them.
"Boxer, you're making us look bad." Ruth grumbled as the third member of their little group arrived.
"Sorry, I got tied up." Lindsay tried to explain.
"We don't need to hear the kinky details of life with Cindy." Ruth smirked.
"Well actually, I wouldn't mind " Sarah was smartly whacked on the shoulder. "What! I'm on the run with my son; I don't get a lot of reading time!"
The three women wandered further down the dark alley. Finding the address they were looking for, they stopped in front of a stout wooden door nestled in an old brick wall. Lindsay rapped once and they waited. They heard something slide loose and a thin stream of light broke through a small hidden door panel. "Password?"
The three exchanged uneasy glances. Clearing her throat, Lindsay took a step closer to the door. "MILF."
"Awesome!" was clearly heard from the other side as the hidden panel was slid shut and several heavy locks were turned. The door swung open, 80's music bleeding into the night air.
"Hey newbies!" Aphrodite stood in a gauzy shimmering top and low rise jeans, margarita in hand. "Come on in! Most of the regulars are here. Our other new member, Miranda has already arrived. Andy booked her a limo." Tugging the thick door shut behind Ruth, Aphrodite snapped her fingers and the locks clicked shut by themselves.
Smiling, Aphrodite beckoned them down the narrow flight of stairs. Pulling a wall sconce, a wall slid away, revealing a larger dark room filled with milling women. The newcomers took in the tin stamped ceiling, filled floor to ceiling dark wood bookshelves and exposed brick walls. A delicate chandelier dripped over a back lit onyx bar and a baby grand piano hid the dj turntables near the small dance floor.
"Welcome to the C.O.U.G.A.R. Winter Mixer! I heard about the little chakram incident at the last meeting," Aphrodite winced as she recalled the minutes from the meeting. "And so I thought this might be a better introduction to some of the Group. Less formal."
"Less blondes she means " Lindsay muttered to Sarah. Lindsay uneasily noticed Xena and a blonde woman with fangs playing pool in the corner. Xena was handily cleaning up the table with complicated angle shots.
Suddenly a loud commotion started over at one of the velvet covered booths along the wall. Something about airlocks could clearly be heard. Aphrodite waved to get Xena's attention. "Xena would you go separate Admiral Cain and Laura Roslin. You know how they get after a few drinks. Thanks babe." Aphrodite turned back to the new girls. "Sorry, where were we?"
"Listen I'm not sure I even belong here, I'm still a young firecracker myself!" Lindsay started to back up towards the exit. A hand slid along Lindsay's back stopping her escape. Catherine Willows had sauntered up, white wine swirling lazily in her glass. "Nice try Lindsay, but how much younger is Cindy? You're totally a C.O.U.G.A.R."
Aphrodite smiled a bright smile at the unsure faces before her. Hmmm tough crowd.
"Ok, official business first then we can get to mingling." She started handing them out to the girls. "Here is the pamphlet explaining the C.O.U.G.A.R. mentality: Charismatic, Older, Understanding, Gorgeous And Randy." Aphrodite leaned over to Sarah and smiled. "I totally added that last part, sweetness."
"There was a whole meeting devoted to whether it should be Randy or Respected." Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "D'uh! Femslash, hello?" She elbowed Boxer. Lindsay nodded her head, slowly becoming more resigned to being a C.O.U.G.A.R.
"Anyway, the pamphlet also breaks down the general rule of thumb formula, which personally takes all the fun out of it, but Seven made Janeway promise to include it, so " Aphrodite ran her finger along the passage in the pamphlet. "Take your age, divide it by 2 and add 7 years and your lover should be that or a bit older." She slid her arm around Ruth's shoulder and leaned closer "Personally if the young thing is hot for you, I say totally go for it!" Ruth glanced down shyly and smiled.
Moving the small group deeper into the room, Aphrodite waved at several women as they passed. "Now, as goddess of Love, I've volunteered to host these mixers. Well, Gabby asked me, and who could say no to those puppy dog looks. You know what I mean right Lindsay?" Boxer flushed slightly. "Gabrielle's been outlawed from these events. She's super busy with the regular Femslash Advocacy Group meetings so it's for the best really." Aphrodite dropped her voice and looked around. "Plus Xena really needs to get off the leash, poor thing."
"Now don't forget to sign up for the summer C.O.U.G.A.R. golf tourney. Last year it came down to CJ Cregg and Kathryn Janeway. Who knew Velocity was so good for your hand/eye coordination?" Aphrodite took a sip of her drink.
"Actually, I'd like to speak with Janeway and get some tips on how she handles the enhanced strength situation." Ruth perked up.
"She's by the bar, let me introduce you." Catherine volunteered. "Later girls." They headed further into the room, detouring around Chase and Xena's increasingly violent game of darts.
Backing into a wheelchair, Sarah turned. "Oh, I'm sorry." Barbara Gordon spun around and smiled. "Oh, hi! You're Sarah Connor, right? Welcome to the Club! I was hoping to bump into you tonight. I'm working on this tracking program I've been testing out with Huntress and I was thinking of using satellite technology, but after all this Skynet trouble you've been having well, we should talk. Sorry 'Dite can I steal the new girl?"
"Sure thing Hun! Come on Boxer, I've got someone I'd like you to meet. She didn't think she qualified as a C.O.U.G.A.R. either, but when she hit 40 a few years ago we just automatically aged her in anyway." Aphrodite headed for a small booth near the dance floor. "Actually, we were a bit worried about her, she'd grown her hair out, hit a bit of a dry spell, but she seems to be back to normal these days. She said you look like a friend of hers. Hey, Olivia!" Aphrodite waved at the brunette in the booth.
Lindsay nodded "Yeah, I get that a lot. At the last meeting I was sure I saw this lawyer "
Having popped out more nachos and salsa to the small buffet by the baby grand and fixed the recently torn pool table top with a snap of her fingers, Gods Gabby how do you put up with the woman, Aphrodite paused to survey the room.
Miranda Priestly was chatting with Roslin, CJ and Kerry Weaver telling them of her latest tirade with the staff writers at the magazine, demanding they produce fanfic so she doesn't have her fandom page revoked. Ruth Truewell and Captain Janeway seemed to be hitting it off discussing restraining methods and reinforced bed frame substructure. Sarah Connor, Cain and the Oracle were drawing diagrams of satellite technology on napkins. Lindsay Boxer was enthusiastically outlining her latest Kiss Me Not Killer theory with Benson and Willows. And Xena and Chase were arm wrestling. Again.
Aphrodite smiled, pleased that everyone seemed to be welcoming the new kids and having a good time. "Now all we need is some ABBA!" and she sparkled away.
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