DISCLAIMER: The characters herein are the property of Fox, CBS etc. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All credit must go to ralst for the concept and the characterisations. I'm only borrowing a couple of members of the 'Group' to play with.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Detectives prefer blondes
(A Femslash Advocacy Group Power Meeting)
Alex looked up from her New York Times and took her glasses off. A young woman with short, blonde hair held out her hand in greeting. Alex stood and shook the woman's hand.
"Ms Bernhardt, it was good of you to come and meet me. We didn't get a chance to speak after the last meeting."
They both sat down, Jill gesturing for the waitress to bring her coffee. She turned back to Alex
"No problem, I've heard a lot about you."
"You mean the shooting and the faked death?"
"Well yeah. That and the glasses. Mostly the glasses. And they don't disappoint."
Alex blushed and cleared her throat. But made sure to dangle her glasses seductively from her fingers, occasionally touching one of the legs to her lips.
"Anyway, the reason I asked to meet you is that I think we have something in common."
"Apart from being hot, blonde lawyers with ice-blue eyes?"
"Yes, apart from that. Let me ask you this; you're close to one of the detectives you work with, is that correct?"
"Lindsay? Yeah, we're close."
"And when we say 'close', we mean 'sleeping with'?"
Jill flushed slightly.
"Well yeah. Although I don't see what business it is of yours."
"I am similarly close to one of the detectives I work with. Brunette, deep brown eyes, looks good in a leather jacket, has a strut like you wouldn't believe sound familiar?"
Jill started to feel uneasy.
"Yeeeeeaaaaaah," she began slowly. "Look, if you're gonna try to turn this into one of these 'your girlfriend's leading a double life' kinda things, I'll just stop you there. I know exactly where Lindsay has been every night for the past three months. And anyway, we just did an episode like that and the viewers will get bored."
Alex rolled her eyes. It was true what they said about Californians. Even the lawyer ones.
"As if your viewers tune in for the intricate plots and intelligent writing," Alex muttered.
"Nothing, what I was getting at before was this: you are going along quite happily with your hot detective girlfriend, thinking you don't have a care in the world when BAM! Out of nowhere an annoying redhead shows up and starts making a play for the object of your desire's affections!"
"OK, Cindy's got a thing for Lindsay but I'm not threatened by it. She's a kid for God's sake. And hello? Have you seen me?"
"Jill, you are obviously new to the arena of fandom and femslash. And what might seem like innocuous hero-worship to you can be interpreted in bizarre ways by the fangirls."
Alex was rifling through her briefcase and brought out a handful of papers. She spread them out across the table.
"Are you aware that 92.7% of all fan fiction written about your show is based around a Lindsay/Cindy pairing?"
Jill grabbed Alex's spreadsheet.
"Gimme that! That can't be right!"
Alex watched smugly as Jill checked and double checked the calculations. Jill's hand fell limply to the table, the piece of paper still gripped in trembling fingers.
"How did this happen?" Jill asked, looking even paler than usual.
"I'm not sure. And I can't say that I know how you feel. Despite the fact that I left my show years ago, I still reign supreme in the fan fiction produced. However, luckily the redhead in my equation is nowhere near as fabulous as me. Utterly useless was one description I heard of her. And she walks strangely, which puts people off. What's this Cindy like?"
"She's well, look up 'cute' in the dictionary and there'll be a picture of Cindy Thomas. Short, dimples, puppy-eyes, bubbly personality, endears herself to everyone she meets."
"Ah, that does make things more difficult for you."
Jill nodded, becoming more desolate by the minute.
"Which is why you need to back my petition."
"Yes, to enforce OTPs in fandom."
"Oh, the uptight British chick was talking about that "
"Yes, there would be strictly governed pairings which would be allowed for each fandom. These would be voted on, agreed and circulated to the femslash community at large."
"But in a vote, given that over ninety friggin' percent of my show's stories aren't about me, I don't really think that I'd come out on top."
"Which position you use is your own business. As for the vote, let's just say that I could ensure that you get the pairing of your choice passed."
Alex tapped the side of her nose. Jill leaned forward.
"So, you'd rig the vote?"
"I am a highly respected member of the District Attorney's office of New York City, Ms Bernhardt. Yes, I'd rig the vote."
"And what would you want from me in return?"
"Only your support. In the OTP proposal and the motion to ban redheads from joining the Femslash Advocacy Group."
Jill shook her head slowly.
"Hey now curbing sexual liberation is one thing but discrimination solely on hair-colour is dangerous territory. And anyway, I'd feel bad. Like I told you, Cindy's cute."
"Jill, the world of femslash is fickle and cut-throat. If you allow ambiguity into your show, before you know it, you will be out in the cold completely and the 'cute' little red-head will be getting 100% of the action! Blonde/Brunette is the classic femslash pairing and we should be honouring tradition!"
Jill thought for a long moment.
"OK, I'm in."
"Excellent. Well, I'll draft the proposals and e-mail them to you. Then we can get them passed at the next group meeting."
"But how are you gonna get them past the little blonde with the pointy things?"
"The savage? You don't need to concern yourself with her," Alex said, shuffling her papers back into order and slotting them into her briefcase.
"Why not? She doesn't seem to like you much. And it's lucky the tall one threw her Frisbee to deflect the pointy thing that was headed straight for your throat last time!"
"I have engineered it so that Gabrielle will not be present at the next meeting. Meaning that I will be Chair and what I say will be law."
"Engineered it ?"
"Xena received a parchment from an old flame and has gone off to avenge something. Gabrielle will spend the next few months harping on about 'dark' and 'light' and not killing people and will not be concerned with our little vote."
"And this 'old flame' parchment wouldn't happen to have a New York postmark, would it?"
"I couldn't possibly say," Alex said, standing up and shaking Jill's hand. "Anyway, thank you for today. It was refreshing to meet a like-minded individual. I'll be in touch."
Alex turned and headed out of the coffee shop, nodding to Inspector Boxer on the way. Lindsay approached the table but Jill was up and out of her seat already. She grabbed Lindsay's hand and kept on walking, dragging the confused cop behind her.
"Where are we going?"
"We need to go to the bathroom."
"Yep, we're gonna give those damn fan fiction authors something to write about!"
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