DISCLAIMER: This is a love story about two consenting female adults. Can't handle it, don't like it, don't read it. We're just borrowing Dick Wolf's characters for fun; we aren't making any money from it.
AUTHOR' NOTE: When two writing heads get together in a round robin...
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
It's Gotta Be Love
By Katherine Quinn & Adrienne Lee
581 GIVING UP
"You know what, I'm tired of you accusing me of making you the bad guy..."
"Well, you are," you interrupt, not letting me finish. "You're doing it right now."
"I," I sag my shoulders, and sigh, my anger suddenly leaving. "I don't know how to talk to you, I don't know what to say anymore."
"Well, then don't."
Do you realize how cruel you're being? How unreasonable? Still, god help me, I try. "Why don't you tell me then. Tell me what you're unhappy with. Tell me what's stressing you out so much that you have to smoke."
"You wanna know, Alex? I'll tell you. You, all right? I'm tired of trying to please you. Tired of walking on egg shells everyday, to make sure I don't piss you off. I'm afraid if I do, you'll move out. I'm tired of arguing about being the poster child for diversity..."
"Wait, we haven't been arguing about it. We haven't even talked about it all week," I remind you.
"Yeah, well, you just did. You accused me of being ashamed of us."
"Well, if you walk like a duck, act like a duck..."
"Yeah, whatever, Alex. Like I said, I'm always the bad guy."
You know what? At this point, I'm not even sure why I bother. I reach up and grab the box from the windowsill. "Have you even looked at this?" I demand. "Have you?"
"No, Alex, I haven't!" You yell back.
"Why not?"
"I didn't want it..."
You didn't want it? You didn't want it. "Fine." I inhale my tears threatening to spill. "Then forget it. Forget everything. What am I saying? There's nothing there to forget. Obviously not for you."
"I didn't mean..."
"You didn't mean what?" Why am I even asking?
"I didn't mean never, just not like this. Not when you were drunk..."
"I wasn't drunk when I bought it, Olivia. Actually, I thought about getting you a ring for our 2 month anniversary, but opted for the toys instead..." Instead I gave you my surrender. I gave you myself in ways I've never done for anyone else. I doubt you realized that. I'm certainly not going to tell you now.
"I planned all week to get this. Serena didn't need to go shopping, I did. For this." I open the box, and look inside. "I was so happy when I found it. It sort of matches mine. I thought it was providence. Fate. Kismet. Whatever..." I trail off.
In the silence of the room, I finally remember why I really drank, why I didn't stop drinking when I first felt the buzz...
After Serena and I sat down at the table, I started wondering if you'd wear it, if you'd want it, since it does match mine. Since there will be no doubts in people's minds that we're together when they see our rings.
I didn't know how you'd react to that fact. I didn't want you to accept it and wear it just because you feel like you have to. I didn't want to see the dread in your eyes. If I were happy and drunk, if I gave it to you then, maybe I wouldn't notice any adverse reactions from you...
Of course I am not going to explain all this to you either. You'll just think I'm making you the bad guy again.
"You know what?" I take my ring off, and place it in the box. "Maybe we're not ready for this. Maybe we need to remember why we're together, why at one point we thought we couldn't live without each other," I tell you, closing the box gently, and putting it on the table in front of me. "The way we're acting, and not talking, I don't think we have any business making this kind of commitment to each other."
582 Broken
I watch you take your ring off and slide it into the box. I knew you would, I knew you'd use it against me. My heart breaks as you put the box down onto the table. It breaks as I catch your finger without the ring you've worn so proudly. You don't think I love you? You don't think that this is killing me? For once, it's not me that's fucked up, but we're here now, fighting like it is. Fighting like I've gone out and pissed you off again, doing something that's on the list of things you don't approve of. I don't know what else to do. You don't think that I want to show you off, to tell people? I know what's rotten with the world and I want to save you from that, not that you'd listen to me. Not that you care.
I want to be numb, numb and far away from here, so I stare in the window and try to pretend that it's not happening, that the ring I gave you isn't sitting in the box in front of me on the table instead of on your finger where it belongs.
I can't explain to you that the reason I don't want yours, didn't want it, wasn't that because I didn't love you, but that I couldn't take it from you when I wasn't sure that you really meant it. Knowing that there's so much I've done that I've never really meant while I was feeling good makes this so much worse.
"What do you want me to talk about, Alex?" I scream at you. "How I'm a horrible person? How we have to live by different rules because I'm the one who makes mistakes?"
"That's not what I said."
"What would you do if I came home drunk?" Your face is blank. It tells me everything I need to know. "You'd move out. But you do it, you do it and I'm supposed to just, accept it, smile and say okay?"
"I'm not the one with the problem." You demand as I turn my head and stare back out the window, ignoring everything but the taste of smoke and the cold air blowing over my skin. I hear your almost immediate apology, "Liv, please, I'm sorry, Liv, talk to me," you say, pressing yourself next to me in the window sill.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"I want you to say what you feel."
"No, you want me to say what you feel." I demand back.
"You're not being fair. Why do you hate me so much?"
"Jesus Christ Alex, I don't hate you." I demand. "Don't' be so damn dramatic."
"I don't get you. What is your god damn problem?"
"I thought you knew? I'm the god damn problem."
583 CALM
Look who's being melodramatic now? I want to say to you, but that will only succeed in driving you further away. Instead I take a deep breath. Somehow, at the end of that breath, I feel a strange calm settling over me.
I take your free hand in my palms, and I'm surprised that you let me.
"No, you, are not the problem," I tell you gently. "We, we have a problem."
You exhale a sad little chuckle, and press your lips together.
I run my fingers softly along your skin, stealing warmth from you. Carefully, I continue, "We've been through so much together already. I know our love is strong enough to see us through this. I'm sure of it." Can you tell I'm bluffing? Can you tell how scared I am at this moment?
Just how many times can I take the ring off and put it back on and take it off again? I don't think I can keep doing that. I don't have it in me. Already, I'm feeling naked, and lost, as if somehow your ring anchors me. Somehow it's the cord that holds me together…
The next time I put it on, I don't ever want to take it off again. I want this, I want us, to be for keeps…
"Will you help me find the solution, Liv? Will you help me do that?"
You look out the window again, away from my eyes.
And I wait for your decision.
I wait for what seems like an eternity.
You take a long drag from your cigarette, then snuff it out against the exterior wall. Then you take my hands in yours, and you stare intently at them, as if they hold the answers you crave, that we both crave.
You open and close your mouth a few times. Finally, you speak, with a slight tremor in your voice. "I don't know that I have any answers. All I seem to do is cause problems."
I try to take my hand back, so I can lift your chin; but as I loosen my grip, you tighten yours.
"Look at me," I ask you.
Slowly, you turn your head. I can see the fear, the unshed tears in your eyes. They break my already injured heart. Still, they tell me you do care. They give me hope, hope that I didn't have before.
"You solve problems for people everyday," I try to convince you. "If you can do that for them, then I know you can help me do it for us."
"I don't know…"
"Will you at least try?"
"I don't know how…"
I rest my forehead against yours. "We'll find a way. I have faith in us." I hope I have enough faith for both of us. "Will you?"
584 Fear
I try to not look at you, and instead, focus on your fingers laced with mine. You ask me if I can help you, and mumble some sort of affirmation. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I can feel things swirling in my chest, feelings of anger mixing up with feelings of relief that you still love me, and care about me, and want me to be part of your life. Part of me knows, part of me always knows, but.
I have never had to be functional, so why are you demanding it from me? I never cared about what happened to me, only what happened to others. And now, there's you, and you demand that I not only love you but that I love me too. And it's hard, hard to accept that there are conditions and those conditions mean that I have protect both of us from the bad things that exist in the world.
I don't know if I can do something so simple.
I feel so entirely helpless. So futile. So unprepared.
You try to pull your hand away, but I won't let you. Don't you know that it's all that's holding me here right now? All that's holding me here with you?
I feel like I'm disconnected.
I fumble with your hands in mine, as you move to make me look at you, into your blue eyes.
I don't want to do something wrong, say something wrong. Ruin this.
"I just want to make you happy," I mumble.
"I want that too," You say, smiling that I've said anything at all. "Liv, we've got work to do."
I feel a tear falling down my face, and I try to push it back, only letting more fall. "I know, Alex," I barely manage.
Your arms wrap around my shoulders and you hold me close to you while I cry desperate sobs. Your arms are strong around my shoulders while I let out the things that I have let bottle inside me, the stress, and the fear.
There's so much fear. It's something I'm not supposed to feel, not in my position, not in my job.
But it's there.
It's always there.
Will you be?
585 STILL
I'm not sure how much time has passed while I hold you, while you sob in my arms.
At first I thought it was stress. Stress that you've bottled up for the last week. We were both acting on our best behavior, so unlike ourselves. Even before that, we tried so hard to please each other, to bend our own wills to suit the other person's needs.
Yes, we need to learn to compromise. We also need to learn to talk without blaming. We need to stop taking the other person's words so personally, so defensively.
We have so much work ahead of us.
I think it'll be worth it.
As I hold you in my arms, as I feel your nearness, I know it's worth it.
I just hope you agree with me.
I feet the change in your sobs, when you finally cry out all your stress. I'm loosening my hold when you clutch me tighter to yourself, crushing my body against yours.
Suddenly, I get this image of a little kid, holding onto her favorite teddy bear, crying her heart out because her mother was going to give the toy away. Then I see the face of the little girl, and I realize it was something from my memory… when my mom decided I had outgrown my stuffed animals…
Except now, you're the girl, and I'm the bear, and, somehow, also the mom.
So I hold you, and let you clasp me to you.
I wish I had a way to help you feel safe. To help us both feel safe.
I wish I could cry in your arms like you're doing in mine. I wish I were sure that you wouldn't go away like bear-bear did when I was little.
I wish we were whole again. Now. That we don't have to keep going through these growing pains.
This is what it is, right? Growing pains? What we're going through? That if we make it, we'll be stronger, bigger, better?
We will make it, right?
We have to. We must.
"I love you," I whisper into your hair.
It scares me to death, how much I love you…
586 Quitting
I cry until I can't cry anymore. Until I can't feel anything else but your arms around me and a tired emptiness inside me. Each time you try to pull back, to pull away I hold you closer like you're my teddy bear, and I need you to be able to fend off the evil things that are lurking under my bed. I hold you close to me, refusing to let you go. I feel myself gasping for breath and breaking into coughs. You rub my back as my coughing slowly stops.
"It's okay, Liv," You say into my hair, your chin resting against the top of my head.
"I'm sorry," I mumble slowly, gasping for air.
"What are you sorry for?" You ask me gently.
"I don't know," I whisper and start crying again. Why do I feel like I'm falling apart? Why do I feel like my world is rebuilding and crashing in the same breath?
"Are you going to quit?"
"Quit?" I ask. Quit crying?
"Smoking."
"Oh." I say, dead pan, wiping tears from my eyes.
"You don't…"
"You want me to." I say slowly.
"Yeah, I do." You say quickly. "But…"
"I'll quit." I say, feeling guilty already.
"You don't have to Liv."
"I should."
"It's just not healthy."
"It's just…so…addicting."
"Yeah, it is." You agree plainly.
"It's easier to just keep doing it."
"Yeah, it is, but don't you think you'd feel better if you didn't smoke?"
"Probably."
"It's up to you," you say slowly, giving me a quick hug before pulling back, leaving me to wipe the tears out of my own eyes…
587 TOGETHER
"So you're really going to quit?" I ask you again gently, after your tears subsided and your breathing returned to normal.
"Smoking?" You cock your head at me. "Yeah."
"Good," I smile, and reach for your cigarettes. "Then I can have these?"
"Why?"
"So we can quit together," I say, pulling one out. "Want one last cigarette before you quit-quit?"
"Is this a trick?"
"No, Liv." I touch you on the arm to reassure you. "Let's this be our first step, okay? There's no trick. Let's promise to be completely honest with each other. No games, no manipulations. Even if the truth will upset the other person."
"But…"
I kiss you gently. "We'll just have to trust each other, and trust our love."
"I, okay," you say. Then you turn and stare at the unlit cigarette in my hand. "Are you really going to smoke that?"
"Yes? Why?" Why are you looking at me like I have two heads?
"It's just," you giggle, "I never saw you as a smoker."
"And you never saw me smoke this either," I tell you as I pick up your lighter and light the cigarette. "Whatever you do, don't tell my mom. Or Trevor, he'll just rat on me."
"But you just don't look… you know."
"I used to be one of those people standing outside their building, in the dead of winter, just to get their nicotine fix," I reveal, and stare at the ember slowly moving towards me. "It's not something I advertise." I flick the cigarette, and watch the ash fall out the window. Then I bring my fingers to my mouth.
"Alex?" You say, putting your hand on my wrist. "You really shouldn't do this. You don't need to…"
"I'm not trying to make a point, Liv. I just…" Really, really want one. "I really, really, really want one."
"All the more reason why you shouldn't," you smile gently, pulling the thin stick from between my fingers, and extinguishing it.
I watch you slide the butts back into packet and scrunch it up in your fist.
"Come on, Sweetie," you laugh, pulling me into your arms. "Don't look at me like I killed your puppy."
So close. I sigh and shake my head. "What's with you and puppies?"
You shrug, and kiss me on my cheek.
"Maybe someday we can get one, if you want," I say, leaning into you…
588 Promises
"We could even get you a dog someday," you offer, smiling at me with big blue eyes.
"I don't really like dogs." I admit.
"Then why do you keep talking about puppies?"
"I don't know, I guess I like puppies. But then they grow up to be dogs." I crinkle my nose and you giggle at me.
I'm relieved to hear you laugh, to hear your happiness. To know that we have it together.
I slide off the window sill and walk over to the couch, patting the seat next to me as you curl into it, fitting your body softly against mine, like it belongs there and has always belonged there.
I don't know what to say. Asking you about your day, your night, seems to be insignificant, and you seem content just to cuddle beside me.
Your head rests on my shoulder and you hold my hand in yours, staring at our fingers in silence, playing with the skin on my hand, gently rubbing small circles into my flesh. We sit together in silence, happy and quiet for what seems like an eternity.
"Liv?" You ask me hesitantly.
"Hmm?" I ask you, quietly, slowly.
"Can I…" Your voice fades out.
"Can you?" I mimic back at you.
"Can I put my ring back on?"
I feel the smile spread across my face quickly, but I keep it in check. "Yes. But, but you have to make me a promise first."
"What's that?" You ask, sitting up and looking into my eyes.
"That you won't take it off again. That if you get angry with me, you won't throw it back at me. That the next time you take it off, it'll be forever."
You look at me for a long second; my breath catches in my chest while I wait forever for your response.
"Okay," You say slowly, "But you have to promise the same thing, with yours. Did you even see?" You ask, as you reach for the box between us…
589 FOREVER
"You really didn't look inside?" I ask you, out of habit, while reaching towards the table. Your answer was before we promised each other to be truthful.
"I took a peak just now, when you put your ring in," you admit softly. "Didn't see it well though."
I see the pain of the reminder in your dark eyes, and lean over, and kiss you. I'm sorry, I tell you silently. Maybe my kisses will wash away your hurt.
Before our breathing quickens, I pull away. Shall I make you promise first? Or let you see the ring first? If I make you promise first, I'll always wonder if you only wear it because you made a promise, not because you really like the ring… So I open the box, and hand it to you. "What do you think?"
You're silent. A little too silent.
Your silence makes me nervous. "Well?" I ask again, and hold my breath.
Then you smile.
I think I see the sun rising in your eyes.
You take my ring from the box, and you take my hand. Slowly, you slide the ring on. Slowly, you bring my hand to your lips. "Forever." You whisper.
I touch your kiss, I touch the metal with my fingers, and sigh in relief. Somehow this makes me feel whole again.
You're still smiling when you place the jewelry box in my lap. Almost hesitantly, I pull the remaining band from its place. I stare at your hand on my thigh. Then I watch my fingers move to take your hand in mine, and slide the ring onto your finger. I seal my promise with a kiss, "Forever."
Then we kiss.
Slowly. Softly. Deeply.
As if we have all the time in the world…
Then vaguely, I'm aware of the warmth of the sun against my flesh.
I'm very, very aware of your warmth, your mouth on my mouth. Your breasts on my breasts, your heart beating next to mine. Your skin sliding along my naked skin.
A new dawn. A new day. Somehow this is significant.
A new beginning for us, maybe?
I hope so…
590 Away
I sit on the couch making lists in my head. I try desperately to remember if I packed the travel alarm clock, and I debate going to check, but then I remember, I know that I've checked everything fifty times. There's nothing that we didn't pack. I'm not usually this organized, much more laid back about things like this, but I'm determined this is going to go well.
I'm also determined that we're going to be on time, something which you seem determined not to be. You're in the bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror putting last minute touches on your face as you pack up the last of the things you wouldn't let me put in the suitcase last night.
Two weeks. Two long weeks away, with no responsibilities and no jobs and nothing but the two of us together. It's going to be…amazing.
"Alex?" I call out to you from the couch, feeling that you've already taken too long.
"I'm coming Liv," You shout back with laughter in your voice. I'm glad that you find my excitement so funny. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. My heart's beating and I'm so ready to get out of this city and to be with you.
"We're going to be late," I shout back.
"Patience is a virtue," you remind me as you walk into the room looking radiant, with your make up bag in your hand.
You hand it over to me gently and watch with an amused smile as I push it into the suitcase.
"Are you ready?" I ask impatiently.
"You know Liv, this slightly hysterical side of you, it's not pretty." You tease me, as you wrap your hands around my waist and pull me close to you.
"We don't have time," I say pulling away from you.
"Liv, we don't even have to be at the airport for three hours."
"We have to get there early," I insist.
You lean in and kiss my nose. "I'm glad we're getting away," you say gently.
"Me too," I smile at you, and then turn and pick up the bags. "Let's go."
591 WAITING
"Liv," I pat you on your knee. "Would you please stop shaking your leg?"
"Oh, sorry," you mumble and still your nervous movements. Soon, you're bouncing your other leg.
"Liv, sweetie, would you please stop?"
You do. A few moments later, you're drumming your fingers.
I cover your hand with mine. "Why are you so twitchy?"
"I, I don't know…" you mutter. "I'm sorry. I'll stop."
I release a deep breath, and go back to my magazine. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see tiny movements. I look down. God, you're moving your toes, rubbing them together, or pushing them against the leather of your shoes, or something.
Great. If I don't figure out something soon, this is going to turn into the longest hour and a half of my life. "Liv?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Do I have to stand on your feet or lay on you or something?"
"No, why?" You ask, then follow my eyes to your feet. "Oh, sorry." You giggle. Great, you don't even realize you're doing this.
"Okay, Liv, I'm supposed to be the anal, nervous wreck, not you. Are you nervous about the trip?"
"No, why?"
"You packed and unpacked our backpack half a dozen times last night."
"I just want to make sure everything's gonna fit."
"We each have three changes of clothing…"
"Yes, but I want to make sure we have room for souvenirs."
"I thought that's why you brought along the small backpack."
"Yes, but you never know." You insist, "I just want everything to be perfect."
"Why wouldn't it be?" I try to ease your mind. "We're going to a beautiful city. We'll have two weeks to ourselves, where we can do anything, or nothing, whatever we want."
"Yeah." You smile. "Isn't it great?"
"It is." I smile back, and loop my arm around yours. "Stop worrying."
"I'm not," you respond quickly.
"You're not afraid of flying, are you?"
"No…"
"Didn't think so." I remember the extradition hearings we went together. You didn't seem nervous at all back then. Just thought I ask though, just in case you developed a sudden phobia. I sigh, and press my forehead to your shoulder. "Would you please figure out what's bothering you, so we can find a way to resolve it?"
592 Excited
I take a deep breath. "Nothing's bothering me," I mutter. I can't stop moving my toes, but I force myself. Before long, I can feel my ankle twisting in a circle. I stop myself when I see your head cock towards me out of the corner of my eye. I stare up at the ceiling and take a deep breath.
You reach out and gently put your hand on my thigh. "Then knock it off," you say with a sweet smile.
I don't know why I feel like this, not scared so much, or nervous, but more excited. Like a little kid waiting to open their birthday presents, I want to be in the plane and flying away on our two week vacation away from everyone and everything. I want to get out, want to be alone with you.
And not sitting here in the airport watching people come and go. Not waiting for the lady to come to our gate and announce our flight. Not waiting for them to check out boarding passes…I pat my pocket and feel them there, securely. I haven't let myself go more than a minute without checking them.
I sigh and stretch my legs out in front of me. "What time is it?" I ask you.
"Five minutes after the last time you asked me," you say without looking up at your magazine.
"It's been longer than five minutes." I whine.
"No Liv, it's been exactly, three minutes and forty seconds," You say, staring at your watch.
"Oh." I say quickly.
"What's with you?"
"I'm just excited," I say, smiling at you with my most innocent look.
"You act like you've never been out of the city."
"Well, I haven't, I mean, not like this."
At that you put your magazine down. "You've never been…anywhere?"
"Well, I went to Canada with you that one time, and I traveled around NY…"
"And that's it?" You ask in disbelief.
"Well, yeah," I say defensively.
"So this is your first?" A smile slowly spreads across your face.
I can feel myself blushing, "Yeah."
"Cool," You say with a smile.
593 NERVOUS
"This is really your first trip?" Suddenly, I can't focus on my magazine. "Abroad?"
"Except for Canada…" you smile, blushing a little.
"I'm so glad we're doing this."
"Me, too," you nod, grinning into my eyes, yours brimming with excitement. "It's gonna be so much fun."
"Yeah." Two wonderful, glorious week. I really should be ashamed, how much I'm looking forward to this time with you. No perps, no victims, no judges, no politics. Just us.
"Have you, Alex?"
"Have I what?"
"Traveled much?"
"Well, I did a couple of semesters abroad in undergrad. Just short trips here and there after that. And extradition hearings," I chuckle.
"Cool, then you can show me."
Show you what? The world? I take in the little kid excitement in your large brown eyes and your bright smile. Suddenly, I'm nervous. What if I suck as a tour guide?
"You know I haven't been there either, right, Liv?"
"I know. We'll have fun exploring the city together."
What if you don't like the resort we picked? What if you don't like the local food? Come to think of it, I think the most exotic thing I've seen you eat was tandoori chicken. I mean, you know several languages, so it's not like you're closed-minded, but… Suddenly, my brain is filled with 'what if's'. Maybe we should've picked a place in North America. We could've gone to Quebec, or Vancouver, Alaska even…
Jesus. "I'm going to go back to the magazine shop." I tell you as I hop onto my feet. "Need anything?"
"Maybe another water?"
Oh, god, we have to remember to be careful with the water we drink. We have to be careful about everything. Everything just has to be perfect for your first real trip abroad. Well, it has to be perfect for our first vacation together, period. But why didn't it occur to me to ask? Oh god…
"Okay. I'll be right back." I give your shoulder a quick squeeze, and I'm off…
"What's all that?" You raise your brows at me.
I drop the magazine pile in your lap. "Reading material, for us, for on the plane, and now."
"Condé Nast Traveller? Islands? Travel and Leisure?" You read the titles of the first few, and check the cover of the rest. "Why all these?"
"I don't know. Pretty pictures?" God, Cabot, that's so lame. "I think one of them has an article on where we're going?"
"Alex?"
"Yeah?"
"Your syndrome is showing."
"What syndrome?" I ask reflexively.
You smooth your thumb against my left eyelid. "Are you upset about something?"
"No, I'm not upset…" I say, while my eyelid twitches a mile a minute.
You sigh. "All right, not upset, stressed out then, or nervous. I thought we're not playing semantics games anymore."
"I… You're right; I'm just a little nervous." I see the look you're giving me, and I confess, "Okay, a lot nervous. I just want you to have the best time of your life…"
594 Ready
I smile at you, a deep warm smile. "It doesn't have to be perfect silly." You look at me with confusion riddled in your expression, and I continue to explain. "I just want to be with you, alone. Without, everything. I wouldn't even be disappointed if we never made it out of the hotel." I say smirking at you.
You look at me blankly for a second before a smile spreads over your face. "Okay," you say, as you take the slick stack of magazines off my lap. "I just want you to enjoy this."
"I already am," I say with a smile as I reach out and steal the top magazine off your stack. "Oh, look, pretty pictures." I say teasing you.
"Shut up," you mutter back, flipping through the stack yourself before sliding the others into your bag.
"Oh, I got your water," you say, pulling a huge bottle out of your bag.
"That's…big."
"Yeah," You say shrugging. "I didn't want you to be thirsty."
"That's…sweet," I say looking at you.
Soon you're engrossed in your magazine while I tease water from the bottle with slow sips. I don't know why I feel so…nervous, so excited. This is a big step, our first vacation. We've been getting along so well, grown so much. But we've always had our outlets. This is just you and me and no one else. I never thought I would want something like this—and now here I am, wearing your ring, happily getting on an airplane with you to fly off and spend two weeks away from everything I've ever known, but knowing that no matter what, I'll be okay because you'll be there for me.
How poetic and cheesy.
I sip my water some more while you flip through sunny pictures of foreign locales.
"What if we forget something?" I ask you, my nervousness growing as our departure time closes in.
"We didn't," You say, barely even looking up.
"But what if we did."
"We'll have to live without it."
I sigh. You're so logical. I watch the employees milling around the gate, watch them talking to each other, and then, I see them starting to make the announcements… "Flight 349 ready for boarding."
You smile at me and stand up, "You ready?" you ask.
More than you'll ever know.
595 FLYING
"Do you mind if we raised this?" I point to the arm rest dividing our seats.
You look at me for a moment, then you smile, pushing it up. We shift in our seats until our bodies are comfortably nestled against each other's. "Better?"
"Yeah." I lean against you and sigh contentedly. "Can I tell you something?"
"Sure, Sweetie."
"I've been wanting to do this since the extradition hearing."
"Do what? Travel?"
"No. Sitting next to you, like this." I whisper my confession. "Together."
"You had a crush on me back then?" You laugh quietly, with an amused expression on your face.
"It wasn't a crush!" I defend myself valiantly, then I sigh. "Actually, I think I was already head over heels in love…"
"Really?" You tease me with your wagging brows.
"Hmpf. Forget I said anything."
"C'mon, don't pout. I'm pretty sure I was, with you," you say, gently nuzzling my hair. "I'm glad both our wishes came true. This is gonna be great."
"Yeah." I put away my mock dismay, and smile. "Don't let me forget to call Trevor when we get there, all right?"
"You're not going to remind him about the fish again, are you?"
"I forgot to tell him about the spare food, just in case."
"I'm sure he'll figure out. Besides, didn't you leave them a self-feeding tablet?"
"Guess you're right…" I concede, and snuggle in deeper. "Good night."
"Good night? It's eleven o'clock in the morning."
"Yeah?"
"You're going to sleep?"
"Yep." I say, and pull the blanket higher around my arms. "You should, too, while you can."
"While I can?"
"Who knows how much sleep we're going to get in the next two weeks?"
596 Flying
You lean against me, as I watch with childlike wonder as the plane pulls back from the gate. "We're moving," I mumble in your ear smelling the warm smell of your shampoo in your beautiful blonde hair.
All I get is a "mhmm" from you, which is totally unsatisfying. Oh yeah, you're sleeping. Why is it that you always pick the most exciting moments to decide to sleep? And then you scold me for not respecting them. I stare impatiently out of the tiny portal to my right and watch the already tiny people wandering around on the tarmac. The flight attendant stands in front of us with a seat belt buckle.
"Oh, the safety lecture!" I smile, poking you in the side excitedly.
"I've already got it on," you mumble back, not opening your eyes.
"Come on Alex, you've got to pay attention."
"I've already heard it Liv, trust me, we're fine."
"But what if we crash into the ocean?"
"Then we'll be dead."
"But if you knew that your seat was a flotation device…?"
"Liv, when's the last time a plane crashed into the ocean and they recovered people hanging onto air plane seat in the water?"
"Good point."
"So be quiet and go to sleep."
"You know, you say that to me a lot."
"That's because you are always awake at the most obscene times."
"It's not an obscene time. It's eleven am and we're on a plane. You're the only person I know who could sleep at a time like this."
"You're going to drive me nuts, you know that?" I smile as you open your eyes and give me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Happy now?"
"Yep." I say with a self satisfied grin.
You sigh and stare straight ahead, your fingers lacing with mine under the blanket that you've strewn over us.
"Hey Liv," You whisper in my ear as the plane rumbles off.
"Yeah?"
"I love you," you whisper gently.
"Love you too."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I smile contentedly.
"Have you ever thought of…in a plane?"
"The mile high club?" I ask with a smile.
"Yeah."
"You're nuts." I say with a smile as I stare out the window.
"No seriously."
"Alex."
"Livvy," you purr. It's going to be a long flight.
597 BLUE SKY
I watch you stare out the window, with excitement sparkling in your eyes as we make our ascent. It's not like you haven't flown before, yet, you're able to find something new, something exciting to see. Sometimes you're so much like a kid, it's funny. It's also very endearing.
Considering everything you've been through, your job, where we live, you should be jaded. Somehow, you manage to keep a bit of the innocence. Or is it now finally coming out, because you feel safe?
"Hey," I push against you, towards the window. "You think we can see Elliot's house from here?"
"I dunno. Let's see." I can hear the laughter in your voice as you snake an arm around my waist. "Think we can see our place?"
"Maybe." I giggle, your glee catching. "We can wave to fish."
"You're silly." You chuckle at me, squinting at the disappearing skyline. You let out a little sigh. Then a little speck in the clouds catches your attention. "Think that's a bird?"
'This far up, Liv? It's probably a balloon."
"You think so? It might be an eagle or something."
I rest my chin on your shoulder blade. "Are you going to stare out that window the whole time?"
"Maybe. The sky's a gorgeous shade of blue. Why?"
"No reason." Except that you're insisting that I stay up with you, and I'm getting bored. I pull away, and lean back into my seat.
You turn, and whisper, "Sometimes I look into your eyes, and I think I'm flying."
That's so cheesy, but it makes me smile. "That's so nauseatingly sweet," I scold you to hide my blush.
"It's true though. I just hope I don't go splat like Icarus."
"Do worry, you won't." I give your thigh a firm squeeze. Not if I can help it.
"So what should we do for the next x number of hours? Think they're gonna feed us soon?"
"I don't know." Judging my experience, I'd say we have a couple of hours before they do. I let my hand slide up your leg.
"Alex!" You gasp, your eyes wide.
"You want something to do, right?" I trace small circles with the tip of my finger, reminding you my earlier proposition.
'This is crazy."
'Is it, Livvy?" I smile, and press my hand higher, giving you a firm hug…
598 Mile High
The sky shines like diamonds, and I can almost imagine what it would be like to reach out and touch one of the fluffy clouds that's passing by the window. Your beautiful smile breaks into my consciousness as you smile and tell me you're bored.
Your demand that I entertain you is short lived as I feel your fingers wandering up the inside of my thigh. You've got to be kidding. I know you're kidding. I mean, you can't possibly want to…here?
"Are you nuts?" I ask with a hushed whisper, quickly crossing my legs and pushing your hand away.
"Prolly," you purr into my ear, careful to let me feel your breath against my ear lobe. Knowing you're this close, and this is so forbidden. "I want you," you whisper.
"You can have me later. In the hotel."
"Not good enough," you whisper pressing your hand hard into the crotch of my pants. My whole body responds to you, even when I fight it. Hell, who am I kidding, especially when I fight it. Knowing you want me? It drives me insane.
My legs start to uncross involuntarily as you tease me, your warm breath on my neck "We can't." I whisper, as I feel your hands starting their ascent again. I take your fingers and lock them with mine, and I can feel you smiling against my neck.
"Sure we can," You say, pressing your fingers between my locked legs.
"You're not stopping." I observe as your fingers slip into the waistband of my pants, trying to un-do the button.
"You must be a detective," you whisper as I feel the snap pop open.
You close your eyes and rest your head on my shoulder, but your fingers don't stop the fight. A fight I'm quickly losing.
"We could be arrested."
"No one's going to see."
"Are you…oh god." I mutter as you turn to me, slipping your free hand under my shirt.
"You can't talk like that," you scold under your breath.
I bite my lip as your fingers tease me. I can feel my arousal growing, getting more and more intense.
"Okay," you say suddenly, moving your hand away.
"What are you doing?"
"Stopping."
"Why?"
"Because you said no, Liv, no means no after all." You say with a wry smile.
"I hate you." I mutter.
"I'm that good?" You ask.
"I really hate you."
599 FUN
"Yes," you mutter against my hair.
I flip to the back of the in flight magazine, and begin to work the crossword puzzle. "Hm?"
"I changed my mind," you whisper, the urgent edge clear in your voice. "Yes."
"That's very bad precedent you're setting. No means no, I have to stick to that."
"You're not arguing a case."
No, but I'm frustrating you, and that just makes you hotter. I grin. "It'll be so much better when we get to the hotel."
"That's not fair."
"Life's not fair?"
"Stop saying that. You're so not nice."
"Oh, I promise," I purr in your ear, making sure you feel my breath against your skin. "I'll be very, very nice later. Unless…"
"Unless what?" You squeak.
"Unless you want me to be very naughty… I can do that, too." I say, and flick my tongue lightly against your ear lope.
I think I can hear you swallow.
"So, what do you want to do after we check in?" I pull away and ask you casually, going back to my puzzle. You're so much fun to play with.
You sigh loudly. Nevertheless, you settle into your magazine.
The puzzle takes me about ten minutes to finish, mostly because I decided to write down the answers. "I'm bored," I lean into you.
"You're not transparent, Alex," you grumble, pulling the magazine from under me.
"But I'm bored."
"Too bad. Read a book or something," you say dismissively, going back to your reading.
"Fine. Good night." I turn away from you and curl into a pillow."
"Good night, Alex."
Instead of pouting, I let the hum of the engine lull me to sleep. I think I'm dreaming when I hear you close your magazine. Then I feel you shifting against me, sliding your hand over my breast…
600 Fantasy
You touch me, so close, so near to what I actually need, what I actually want. My breath is catching in my throat against my better judgment, and my whole body feels disappointed when you pull your hand away. You push me just close enough, close enough to make me incredibly uncomfortable, and then leave me hanging out there.
I watch you with blank disbelief as you pull away from me, sweetly whispering that no means no. Your smile is huge as you open the magazine and pull out a pen. I watch as you quickly fill in a puzzle that includes such clues as "cat on a hot tin ___". It's no wonder you have it done in less than five minutes.
I slide my knees closer together, trying not to concentrate on the pounding between my legs, the reminder of where your hands just had been.
You pull out a pillow and snuggle against me, shutting your eyes. I stare down at the travel magazine you left me with, and I try to concentrate.
Instead my thoughts wander away from the glossy pictures of palm trees. The idea of you, on the beach, your beautiful blonde hair in a knot on your head, your body exposed to me, kissing you gently under those palm trees. Touching you, running my body against yours, feeling your naked flesh turn hot and sweaty under my wandering hands and fingers.
I turn the page knowing that's definitely not making this better.
On the next page is a cold snowy landscape, and I can see you, bundled up with me in a ski lodge, hot chocolate and a roaring fire, while I gently pull off your sweater and watch the flickering light on your naked flesh.
Jesus Christ.
This isn't working.
I shut the magazine and watch you sleep. If you are actually asleep, and not just teasing me.
Well, I know the way I want to wake you up. With a quick look around the cabin to make sure no one is watching us, I slide my hand under the blanket and up your body.
Your shirt's untucked and that makes it easy to feel my hand gentle against your skin. I watch you carefully to see if your breathing changes, and when my fingers gently cup themselves around your breast, I hear your breath catch. You keep your eyes closed though, to deny me the satisfaction I'm sure.
I can feel you responding to me, your slight smile telling me you like what you feel. Careful to look entirely disinterested I slide my hand into your waistband which is entirely too tight for my hand to properly maneuver. Your smile gets wider as you slide your hand over and snap open the buttons for me, making the quest easier.
I can feel warm heat radiating from you, as my hands press against you, careful not to give you what you want, but also careful to make sure you definitely want more. You sit up slowly and spread your legs wider for me.
"You're not sleepy anymore?" I ask, pressing into you.
"Uh uh." Is all you manage, and I smile gently as I pull my hand away.
"What are you doing?" You ask frantically.
"I'm bored." I whine at you.
"I'll find you something to do," you say, grabbing my hand and pushing it back into your pants.
"I knew you wouldn't disappoint me," I whisper as I slip my fingers inside you…