DISCLAIMER: This is a love story about two consenting female adults. Can't handle it, don't like it, don't read it. We're just borrowing Dick Wolf's characters for fun; we aren't making any money from it.
AUTHOR' NOTE: When two writing heads get together in a round robin...
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
It's Gotta Be Love
By Katherine Quinn & Adrienne Lee
641 BREAKDOWN
I watch as the owner escorts the men away from our table. All three of them mumbling apologies as they retreat. Finally, they disappear from my view, and I turn to you.
Our eyes meet briefly, then you tear yours away. I can't quite read the expression on your face.
Then I remember the beers on the table. I look at them, then I look at you. God, at this point, I want a beer. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. If I were the impulsive type, I would just offer you one. Instead, I sigh, and wait for you to settle into your seat.
"Why don't I get rid of them," I suggest gently.
"Sure, whatever," you shrug, trying hard not to follow my movements.
"It's really for the best, Liv,"
"I know."
"Liv…"
"I know, okay, Alex?" You snap. "I know I have a problem. You don't have to rub it in."
I try not to let the sting of your words bother me. Instead, I lean in, and give you a small kiss on the cheek. "I'll be right back." I smile, and pick up the bottles…
When I come back, you're still frozen in the same position, with your head in your hands. "Here." I push a glass towards you.
"What's that?"
"Shirley Temple, on the house." I slide into the seat next to yours and take a sip of my alcohol-ess drink. "We can have as many as we want. Maybe we'll get a sugar high."
You chuckle and shake your head. "I can't believe it."
"You think they were telling the truth?"
"Who knows." You shrug, and gnaw on your straw. "Does it really matter?"
"Guess not." I lean into you and sigh happily, letting a small giggle escape my throat.
Giving me a side-way glance, you ask glumly, "What?"
"Thank you." I kiss you loudly on the cheek, then giggle more, hoping my laughter would infect you.
"For what?"
"Coming to my rescue. What did you say to him?"
You sigh. "I told him if he touched you again, I'll… I'll kill him. All right?"
"That's sweet," I decide, putting down my glass, and taking your hand into mine.
"Sweet? I don't think so." You clench your other fist. "I would have done it, too. Gladly."
"I know. And that's kind of sweet." Even though it's so wrong on so many different levels. To use a sociology concept, we're far beyond hunter-gatherer state. Violence is not an answer to any problem. Still. "I think I like your protectiveness."
"Really."
"Uh-huh," I give you my little clingy girl voice, and rest my chin on your shoulder. "If they were telling the truth, it's pretty funny." I snicker.
"Yeah, we must look like guinea pigs." You make a funny face, twitching your nose. "Let's see your tail…"
"Stop it!" I squirm, laughing, with tears streaming down my face. "That tickles!"
642 Conflicted
I stare at the beers.
Stare at your hand.
Stare at my hand.
Stare at the bottle.
Stare into the bottles.
Stare at you.
And then back to the bottles. It takes every bit of my concentration, my will power to remind myself why it would be inappropriate to pick it up and down it. Because you'd be angry. Because I'd let you down. Because I'd let me down.
I feel so weak.
So weak for wanting it and so weak for not doing it. Either way, I'm the loser.
I scold myself some more. I know I'm not supposed to think of it that way, but I can't help it. I can't help that sometimes, my mind floods with insecurity, with pain. And when it does, I want it all to be numb. No matter how much I'm not supposed to want that.
You stare at me, and I can hear the awkwardness in your tone when you offer to get rid of them. It's annoying, grating on my nerves, your little way of reminding me that I can't handle it. Like you love that you're perfect, and I'm decidedly not.
I can't handle this. You stand up and pull the beers away, while I sulk. I hear myself snapping at you, but I can't even remember why.
Because you remind me of what I can't do. Remind me of what I shouldn't do. Remind me of why I quit.
You walk away, and I stick my head into my hands. Scolding myself. Angry.
You slide a glass in front of me.
"What's this?" I ask you, staring at the pink liquid.
There's no way you got me a drink. There's just no way.
"Shirley Temple," you smile, as you take a big sip of the one you hold in your hand.
Before I know it, we're giggling again, forgetting the idiots who tried to harass us. If they even did.
643 DANCE
Finally, you stop tickling me. "That's so unfair," I wheeze.
"Why?" You slide your hands around my body, cradling me in your arms, pulling me closer to you.
Suddenly, I'm back in that pink haze again, more aware of your proximity then the rest of the world around us. "Because…" I mumble, trying to focus.
"Because what?" You whisper, your hot breath blowing against my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
That's just so not fair. I'm trying to be good here. "Just because," I say slowly, desperately trying to remember mom's 'good girls don't's'. How could I have forgotten them so quickly? They were practically drilled into my head.
You reach for your glass, letting your hand casually graze my front.
"Liv!" I gasp.
"Yes?"
"You did that on purpose."
"Did what?" You smack your lips, and return your drink to the table, following your earlier path.
"Liv…"
"Oh, you mean this?" You begin moving your hand.
Before you can touch my already sensitized breasts again, I grab your arm, and place it with the other one around my waist. "Behave," I warn.
"Why?"
"God, Liv, are you just going to ask questions all night?"
"No. I should be able to do whatever I want," you murmur, nuzzling my hair. "My body."
"Oh, really?"
"Mhmmm," you purr, your fingers making slow circles along the edge of my navel.
God, I can't believe I'm responding to this. This is ridiculous. "Stop it."
"Only if you'll let me…"
To shut you up, I turn, and grab your face, kissing you hard on the lips. Sometime during that deepening kiss, I feel the air change, then I hear loud music. Thank god.
"Come on," I grin, after pulling away from your lips. Quickly, I slide out of the booth, tugging you along. "Let's dance!"
644 Forever
You grab my hand and pull me off the bench, me lose the contact with your body. I miss your warmth immediately, the way that I was just teasing you a second ago. Your admonitions to behave, still lingering in my ears.
I don't want to get off the chair, I want to tease you, to continue teasing you, but I acquiesce quickly, letting you pull me to my feet.
I smile at your excitement, the smile that lights up your face. I wonder if you know how your eyes shine when you smile—the way you light up. Something that not many get to see. You're so serious so much of the time, your light smile is a special present I get from you. Something that makes everything we do, everything we fight for, more worth it.
You're happy and beautiful. And I'm happy, and smiling.
I wish we could stay like this forever.
I wish nothing would ever change.
Your smile forever exactly as it is right now, mine the same. Both of us looking at each other, with love blazing in our eyes.
I know that's not possible, that it will never be like that.
That we can be blissfully happy together. There will always be our fights, our spats, but I hope that at least we can always come back to this. To this feeling.
I want this forever.
I want to be able to smile back at you and be happy.
Happy for us.
You pull me through the double doors, and smile as the room fills with bright lights, a pounding beat.
"Come on," you yell over the music into my ear, pulling my arm further.
In the middle of the nearly empty dance floor you turn to me, and sling your arms around my shoulders. With a small kiss, you begin to dance in front of me, dance for me, your body sliding against mine.
I let my eyes slide down your body, which is lithe and pulsing to the music. Alive.
I slide my hands around your waist and hold you close, kissing you, letting your body press against mine…
645 ONE
The steady, heavy beat of the music pounds in my ear. Or is it my heart? I can't remember the last time I danced like this.
I can't remember the last time I danced. Period. College?
I can feel the tickle of memory, reminding me, and I shove it away. I want to focus on us tonight.
Nothing else but us.
To the rhythm, our bodies glide together, my arms around your shoulders, my fingers in your hair, stroking your neck. In the flashing lights and synthetic fog, I see only your smile.
I feel only your hands sliding up and down my back. I feel your muscled thigh press against me, and I back away, shrieking out giggles and telling you to behave.
Not that I really want you to.
This is a dance, that's like a chase. Sometimes we move away, but we're never apart from each other.
It's kind of like our normal lives really.
I hope this is how we'll be. For the rest of our lives.
Always within arm's reach.
Never apart…
Slowly, I turn in your embrace. My fingers now laced with yours while I grind into your body.
Is it your heartbeat I feel pounding through my core?
"Alex," I hear you growl in my ear, and I smile.
And I feel the growing warmth, of other people joining us on the dance floor. Couples. Friends. Hetero, gay, everyone. People who are laughing and enjoying themselves like we are.
I wonder how many of them are in love like we are.
You pull me tighter against you, your body moving tightly against mine.
To the same rhythm, as if we're one.
I listen to your breathless laughter, to the little whimpers and sighs. Forever, I hear you whisper in my mind.
Forever, I hear myself whisper back, the night we exchanged rings.
I force myself deeper into your body.
I feel the heat of our dance.
I feel like we're one…
646 Closer
You stare into the darkness, watching my body. Watching me move against you, while I watch the same thing. The way our bodies seem to fit together. The warm feeling of us together.
I can feel you grinding against me, like I'm far away from you. Your body and mine meeting in the middle, coming together, making us one. It's a desperate feeling, a loving feeling. I want you, and you want me, and here we are, acting it out in a totally acceptable way.
Your eyes are glazed, or is that just the light? This place seems alive, my heart beat, yours, the beat in the music all creates the warm feeling that we're part of something much bigger than us.
You look like you're in a haze, I wonder if you can tell that I am too.
I love the way you feel pressed against me. Even standing in this club, fully clothed, I feel naked in your arms.
Your fingers tease the back of my neck, your body moves just for my eyes.
Even though I know that's not true either.
You pull me into you, closer.
You kiss my neck, a gentle soft kiss.
I want to feel more.
I want to feel you, to hear you, to focus on nothing else in the world but you and your happiness.
"Alex," I whisper gently into your ear.
You don't even seem to notice, caught in the hot beat, the pounding music.
"Alex," I whisper again, this time, you turn your head slightly, arching to hear me.
"Hmmm?" You ask, still staring at my body.
"Let's go back."
"Back?"
"To the hotel, let's go back."
You smile at me, a knowing smile. "I thought you'd never ask."
647 AGAIN
"Let's go," you whisper against my neck, the warmth of your breath tickling my skin.
"Are you sure?" I smile, leaning into you, letting you feel my excitement. "You don't want to stay and dance?"
"We can dance in our room," you say hoarsely, your eyes wild. Reflecting the pulsing strobe lights all around us.
I feel your body tightening, and I tease you with my fingers. I tease you with my voice, "No sunrise on the beach?"
You reach for me, melding our bodies together. "We can see sunrise in our room."
To the beat of the music, I move, tracing your body with my breath, slithering down your body and up again. "I might fall asleep."
"You're not," you say, holding me tighter still.
"Is that a promise?" I smile, placing soft sucking kisses on your neck. "Or is it a threat?"
"I want you," you growl in my ear. "Right now."
"Not now." I giggle nervously. I can just see you dragging me into the bathroom. Well, I can see myself following quite willingly.
"Then, let's go."
I see the raw lust, and the love in your eyes, and suddenly, I can't find my voice. Slowly, I pull away from you, then let you lead me off the dance floor by my hand.
Dodging and squeezing through the crowd, we make our way to the entrance. Then fresh air hit my skin, and I take in a deep breath.
Then I hear the familiar syllables again.
"Excusez-moi."
You jerk, pushing me away from the sound, and bark, "What the?"
"Please, it's important," the man whose arm you almost broke starts. "Let us observe your vacation?"
"No," I yelp from behind your shoulder.
"Hell no," you emphasize the point.
"We'll pay you. How much do you want?" His companion asks.
"Money can't buy everything," I tell him. "Go find someone else to be your guinea pig. Please."
648 Need
I whisper in your ear. "I want you."
You smile and tease me, you think you're funny, you don't know how serious I am. I smile at you, my sweetest smile, and growl in your ear. "Let's go," I say, pulling your arm.
I love you, I feel so alive, and I want you.
You smile and pull back. Pushing your body into mine again, in beat with the still steady music. "Come on," I almost whine, pulling your hand.
I want your body and your mind.
You give me your hand and let me lead you off the dance floor.
I pull you behind me, happily. Ready. Desperate to get you out of here and back into our bed. Our nice big bed.
I want you so badly.
I'm desperate for you.
We walk out into the night, the warm air is slightly cooler, now, the moon bright and full.
I kiss you gently on the lips as I walk out with you, and you kiss me back. And then I hear it.
The asshole.
I close my eyes determined that it's a bad dream and that he's not ruining our kiss under the beautiful night sky.
"What do you want?" I hear you ask someone over my shoulder.
I spin on my heels and feel my fists clench as I see the guy who bothered us in the bar.
"I want to study.."
"Look, buddy, we're not interested." I mutter.
"But you don't understand…"
"We get it," you demand, "We're not interested."
"But I need…" He continues again.
"I don't care what you need. I need you to leave us alone." I say grabbing your hand and pulling you…
649 JOXER
"God, can you believe it?" I sigh as we speed away in a taxi, leaving those two behind.
"I can't believe they waited for us."
"I just hope we don't run into them again. It's a small island."
"We can always just stay in the hotel."
Yeah, you say that now, but I'm sure you won't feel the same way tomorrow, Ms. Travel Alarm Clock. Not that I'm complaining. "I hope they don't turn into our Joxer," I mumble to myself.
"Our who?"
"Never mind."
"Come on, Alex."
Are we at the hotel yet? I'd kiss you to distract you, but I don't think the driver would appreciate that kind of public display of affection.
"Alex? Tell me."
What's with you and your insistence on knowing things about me I find embarrassing? I give up. "A very annoying character in a TV show. He kept showing up at the most inopportune time, kind of leech-like."
"What show is that?"
"A historical fantasy show." That sounds innocuous enough. "I've only caught an episode here and there." Sure Cabot, whatever happened to being completely truthful with one another… Mitigating circumstances? Yep. Definitely.
"I didn't realize you like fantasies."
"Yes, love Tarzan when I was a kid. Wanted to be Jane." Are we there yet?
"Really?" You smirk. "Then Jane grew up and decided she wanted to be a Warrior Princess?"
"You knew?" I narrow my eyes at you. "Then why did you ask all the questions?"
"Because you look so cute when you blush?"
That only makes me blush harder. "I hate you."
The car pulls in front of the hotel, and we get out. As we walk into the lobby, you pull me close, purring in my ear, "Oh, but you'll love me in a few minutes…"
I step into the elevator and cross my arms. "Are you so sure?"
"Mhmmm…" You smile your sexy smile, the one that makes me melt, and move closer. "You'll be screaming how much you love me… soon."
"Yeah, whatever," I say, dragging you out into the hallway, towards our room…
650 Short
We run into the lobby hand in hand, pulling each other towards the elevator.
I ignore the looks on the faces of the people behind the concierge desk. Screw them. I refuse to justify to them. We pull each other quickly through the lobby, giggling as we hit the elevator button.
We wait, impatient for the privacy.
I laugh, as you pull me into you in the elevator, stealing my breath away with a kiss. A kiss that gets deeper, harder.
Down the hallway, laughing.
Fidgeting with the key, while your hands find their way into my back pockets.
Pulling the door open and pulling you inside.
Kissing you.
Touching you.
Your body and mine.
Pressing together.
Quickly, slowly.
We fall over each other.
Into each other.
Onto the bed.
Onto my back, and then onto yours.
We kiss.
Deep. Long. Slow and flirty.
Wanting you.
Wanting more.
Begging you.
Hearing you scream.
Feeling so good.
651 FANTASY
My eyelids are so heavy with sleep, I can barely keep them open. "Liv…"
"Mhmm," you mumble around my body.
"I'm going to fall asleep on you," I warn drowsily, and rasp, "Please."
You raise your head, your hands still covering my stomach, pinning me down. "Go to sleep then, I can continue by myself…"
My eyes fly open. "What?"
"I knew that would wake you up," you say, with a wicked glint.
I drop back into the bedding. You're right though. Still. "You're impossible."
"You love me anyway."
"What are you trying to do to me?" Then a feel your fingers pushing against me, and my breath catches at my throat. "Liv?"
"Do you really want me to stop?" You ask, while sliding in.
"No," I gasp, rocking against you, moving to the rhythm you set for me. I must be insane. But it feels… you feel, so good… "So good…"
"I can stay like this forever," you whisper, then take me into your mouth.
I whimper, "Oh, god," breathing out, "Liv." I hear my own voice, guttural. I hear my moans. I hear the obscene wet noises you're making with your lips, your tongue, your fingers…
"Love you, Alex."
I hear, as I clench around your fingers, as waves upon waves of orgasm crashes through me…
Through us.
Taking my body, my mind, to a place beyond ecstasy. Totally beyond anything I've ever experienced, or dared imagine. Even in my fantasies. "God, Liv, Liv," I rasp, while you refuse to stop, not that I really want you to. While you stroke into me, deeper, and deeper still.
Slowing down, and quickening, still deeper…
As if you're reaching for my heart.
Again and again.
Waves after waves, I keep crashing with you, against you. Until I feel the warmth of the sun brushing across my eyelids, my already heated skin.
Guess we did stay up for sunrise after all…
652 Sunrise
The sun rises slowly, breaking through the window, lighting your beautifully creamy white skin with sunlight. Your hand reaches for me, pressing me against you, pressing me into you.
I press into you again, steadily moving, awaiting your response, excited to feel you, to get you closer. To push you over the edge.
Your back arches, your body tightens.
You moan my name again as your body collaspses back into the bed. I kiss my way back up your body, giving you a deep kiss on the lips. You kiss me back and run your fingers through my hair. As the kiss ends, I turn onto my back, letting you snuggle into me. Wrap yourself around me.
"I'm never moving again." You moan into my ear.
I watch as your eyes flicker closed. I smile at you, kissing your forehead.
"You always say that," I say.
"This time I mean it," You say, opening your eyes to give me a brief kiss before you let out a quiet sigh and close your eyes.
I push into you, pulling you closer to me. "I love you," I whisper.
"Love you too," you sigh deeply. "I'm so sleepy." You complain gently.
"Me too." I agree. "But it was worth it."
"Oh it was worth it." You smile.
"You better think so." I laugh gently.
I listen to your breathing slow. Feel your arm resting against my stomach.
I let my eyes close.
Concentrating on this feeling. The warm feeling of being with you, being satisfied, being in love.
My body relaxes as I feel sleep over take me…
653 AFTERNOON
Slowly, I feel myself sliding back into consciousness, then I become aware of your warmth, your steady breathing. Judging by the rhythm, you're still sound asleep. Gently, I ease off of you, rolling onto my back. God, we're too old for this kind of marathon sex.
Although it feels so good when we're doing it. It feels so good to feel our skin gliding together, our body molding, melting into one...
Okay, I've got to stop thinking along that line. Right now.
A small moan escapes from your chest. Then I feel your weight shift in the bed. I feel your arms around me, pulling me closer. You mutter something and drift back into slumber.
When did I become your teddy bear?
Although it's kind of sweet; and I really don't object. I feel a rush of tenderness, and very gently, I turn in your embrace, careful not to wake you.
The lines that edge your face, they're almost gone, when you're asleep. Especially when you fall into exhausted sleep like this. There's even a slight smile tugging on your lips. I guess you're pleased with yourself; you should be.
Or is it a smile of contentment, from a deeper level?
Is this why we go at it like rabbits?
Not being able to stop myself, I weave my fingers in your tousled hair, brushing your dark locks away from your features. It's rare that I get to watch you sleep. You're always the one doing the watching.
Acting against my volition, my lips move towards yours. I want to taste your breath; I want to touch you.
It's just a brief kiss, barely there. But when I pull back, I see your eyelids flutter. Then they blink open.
I see my reflection in your eyes; I see them quickly coming into focus. Then I see your smile, one that's reserved for me, and only me.
"Hey," you break the silence.
"Hey," I say, leaning in for another kiss, one slightly deeper than before. "Mmm..." Suddenly I feel so alive.
You chuckle in the back of your throat, and gently ease away. "What do you want to do?"
"You want to grab lunch, or dinner, or whatever?"
"Hungry?"
I color slightly, pulling myself from the temptation that is you, and into a sitting position. "You know it." There were places we walked by that you had expressed interest. "Where do you want to go?"
"As long as I'm with you, anywhere."
God, you can be so corny. I can tell, though, you mean every word you say. I don't try to hide my happiness. "You can pick..."
654 Dreaming
We're in a bar. It's dark, and my hands are on you, all over you.
You're moaning, my name on your lips, as you desperately writhe against my hand. I smirk my approval. I love this, I love touching you like this. I love feeling the way you react to me. The warm feeling of your breath on my neck as you lean hard into my shoulder. You're trying so hard not to be noticed, so hard not to scream, but my fingers are sliding against you, warm and wet, making your body tense and then…
The guy.
The beers on the table, his face, interrupts your breathing, which I can still hear in my head. You pull your shirt closed, tight around you. My hands quickly come off your body, away from you and I feel empty.
He's staring at us, trying to explain. But this time, this time I stand up and push you off of me. I punch him, hard. His face smacking into my hand, he staggers back and runs away.
Scared.
Bastard.
I sit back down at the table, and you start screaming. Screaming that I've just hit that guy. That I could be arrested. That I have to learn to control my temper, like I'm some kind of child. You stalk off. Leaving me, leaving me alone, alone with the beer on the table.
I know I shouldn't, but I watch it.
I stare into the bottle.
You're gone and I'm alone. You'll never know. There's no way, no way you'll find out. I don't know how I'm so sure, but I know.
I pick it up and swallow it quickly.
It tastes great.
The guilt isn't there—instead it's euphoria.
I swallow the first one. I swallow the second one. And order a third.
I feel lose and out of control.
I feel amazing.
And then your lips are on mine. My eyes are unfocused. I smile at you, as my eyes flutter open.
It was just a dream.
It was all a dream.
655 OUTING
"So, where would you like to go?" I ask again after a brief pause.
"I don't know, Alex. Anywhere."
"Are you okay?" I look at you, trying to read through the sudden clouds in your eyes.
"Yeah?" You shrug, maybe a little too casually. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know, you seem a little distracted."
"Hungry, I guess." You smile, and kiss me on the lips.
I let out a high-pitched sigh, and push you away. "So, you really don't care where we go?"
"Nope."
"Cool. I know just the place." I grin, letting my excitement show. "It's right off the dock, and we can have a leisurely meal, over a nice view. It's pretty romantic, too, according to Serena."
"That sounds great." You smile back.
How come I get the feeling that you really don't care what we do or where we go? Ms. Tourists Guidebook? I wonder what changed…
"Do you know where you'd want to go, or what you'd like to do afterwards?" I ask, partially to confirm my suspicion.
"I take it you have some ideas?"
How do you know me so well? I pick up your hand, and play with your fingers. "I was thinking maybe we could go shopping?"
You wrinkle your forehead. "Shopping?"
"Yeah, for souvenirs, for the squad," I reason. "So we can get it out of the way?"
"Okay..."
"So, for the rest of our vacation, we don't have to think about anyone else but us?" It's selfish, I know, but this is our vacation. Our time to focus on each other.
You unfurrow your brows and toss the idea around in your head. "Hmm…"
"Well?" I lean down, and nudge your nose with mine. "What do you think?"
656 Weak
You tell me you have things in mind for me, while I try to focus on your words. I smile at you, and kiss you when you kiss me, but my mind is somewhere else, still locked in the haze of dreaming.
I smile as you gently stretch, letting your skin expose itself to me.
"Are you sure you want to get up?" I ask, with a half smile.
"No...but we've got to get up," you moan, as you sit on the edge of the bed.
I pull myself out of bed, and head for the bathroom. "Want to shower?" I ask you as I stick my head into the bathroom.
"You go ahead."
"Okay," I say slowly, shutting the door gently behind me.
I turn on the water and stare at my naked body in the mirror. I smile at the small red marks on my neck, happy to show them off, happy that I won't have to wear a turtleneck to work, where I can hear El and the guys laugh at me all afternoon.
I rub my eyes, as the room starts to fill with steam, and stare at my face in the mirror.
I look guilty.
But why?
It was only a dream, I remind myself, but it felt so real. Felt so real and I want it to not be real.
I can't believe I feel guilty for something I didn't even do. Something my subconscious did.
I know I can talk to you. I know you would understand. I know that it's different and I know how far we've come, but I don't want to admit my weakness. I want to be stronger than this, then feeling my subconscious it out to get me.
I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I want you to trust me, to love me, to not worry that one day, one day, things will change, but I can't make that not a possibility. And every time I'm reminded how potentially out of control my life is, at any moment, everything can change. And it scares the hell out of me.
I guess it probably scares the hell out of a lot of people. But I sit here now, and stare at myself in the mirror, and hate that I'm weak. No matter how strong I pretend to be, no matter how much fighting I do every day. I'm weak.
657 PATHETIC
As soon as the door closes, I feel an emptiness. I feel alone.
Pulling the blanket over me, I slink deeper into the bed, trying to absorb your residual warmth.
I miss you, I quickly recognize the emotion.
Oh, for crying out loud, Cabot, she's just in the next room, taking a shower. I try to convince myself.
Why are you suddenly so damn needy?
You know you could've joined her. It's your own goddamn fault for being so weak. My reason argues. Sometimes I hate being so logical.
I suppose I could still join you. I'm sure you won't mind. You did offer.
And you did have that look in your eyes when I stretched. And you did ask if I wanted to stay in bed… So I doubt you would mind if I decided to jump you, or throw myself at you, in the shower.
So why don't I?
Why am I sitting here, with you in the next room, with this dismal, desperate feeling gnawing at my stomach?
I suppose the gnawing could actually be hunger, considering it's been twenty hours since the last time we ate, and we'v expended a lot of energy…
Somehow I doubt it.
I think I just miss you, pure and simple.
God. What happened to me, and my independence? How did you manage to chip away the ice princess veneer so quickly?
Do I really care?
If you don't? If that's how you want me, how you want us to be?
If I'm happy, despite what my rational mind tells me I should feel?
Why am I fighting so hard? And cutting my nose off in the process?
Somehow I can't seem to find the answer, or even just an answer…
I hear the shower coming on; I hear the sounds of the curtain closing. And I let myself slip out of bed. I let my legs carry me, let my fingers turn the door handle.
"Sweetie?" I hear, then I see your head sticking out through the shower curtain. I see your smile, your hand pulling back the vinyl. "Miss me?"
"Yeah," I say, softly, stepping into the tub, into your warm embrace…
658 Shower
I slip into the warm shower, feel the hot water pounding against my shoulders. I stretch, and my body responds, aching gently at the exertion from the night before. It feels good, makes me feel alive. I have to clear my mind. I make myself concentrate. I need to remind myself, remind myself it's not real.
I hear the door open, slowly, quietly. It's you.
I invited you here, and I want you, but at the same time, I need to be alone, need to think.
"Sweetie?" I ask, and get no answer. I stick my head out, my heart beating a tiny bit faster, but when I stick my head out, I see you there, naked staring at me. "Miss me?" I ask gently.
You smile, and cross the room, kissing me gently on the lips. You crawl into the shower with me, letting me wrap my arms around your shoulders.
"Changed your mind?" I asked.
"Yeah, it was lonely out there," you say quietly.
I kiss the back of your neck, and you sigh as I start gently rubbing your shoulders. "That feels so great, Liv," you say.
"You should let me do it more often," I smile.
"You're right," you say back.
Quietly, I lean over and get shampoo, pouring it on my hands, I lather it through your hair.
"That smells good," you mumble, as I gently run my fingers through your soapy blonde tresses.
"It's coconut, I think," I say, taking a deep breath, letting the smell tease my nose. I hold you as I gently let you lean back and rinse the soap from your hair. You smile at me, and watch as I soap a washcloth, gently soaping it and sliding it over your back.
In small soapy circles, I wash your body, closely, carefully, every inch.
You turn around, and take the cloth from my hand, setting it on the soap and pulling the shampoo out, as I let you lather my hair.
"It's getting longer." You say, observationally.
"Yeah, I don't know what I want to do with it." I supply.
"I think you should let it grow, it's so pretty," you say, as you rinse the soap gently from my hair.
I kiss you.
"I will," I say gently.
You soap my body, and carefully watch as the suds run down my body. You kiss me gently and turn off the water.
"We've got to go." You say, as you pull me out and throw me a towel…
659 REAL
It feels so good to be in your arms, to feel your gentle fingers in my hair, to have them dance the tension out of my body. It feels so right to have your loving hands slide all over my body, so tender, so caring.
It's wonderful to just stand here while hot water pelts against my flesh…
To just be here with you.
And it feels equally right to thread my fingers in your hair, to kiss you, to brush the wash cloth across your skin.
It makes me smile to see the little red marks I leave on your neck. Somehow they remind me this is real. That you're real. We're real.
It makes my body, my heart tingle to know that you're loving my careful attention. That you're responding to me, as I, you.
My breath catches when you lean in, taking a kiss from my lips. They perfectly willingly part for you.
My heart skips a beat when I feel you moving, pressing towards me.
"We've got to get out of here," I say, pulling away, hopping out of the tub like my feet are on fire. And I toss a towel at you, hoping you'll cover yourself with it. Quickly, I wrap a towel around myself, and open the bathroom door.
I'm in the process of pulling a tee-shirt over my head, when I feel your arms around me, when I feel your breath against my ear.
"What's wrong?" You ask gently.
"Nothing." I respond, bringing forth a smile to my face.
"Are you sure, Alex?"
"Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?" I answer slowly, then add a sheepish grin. "Just don't want to spend the rest of the day in bed."
"You sure?"
I stop your hands beginning to roam. "Behave!"
"You seem to be saying that a lot." You chuckle wickedly. "I don't think you mean it though."
"I," I sigh. "I don't. Not usually. But this time I do."
"Are you sure?" You lean in closer, nibbling my neck.
Ignoring the tingling, aching sensation, I turn slightly away, to look at you. And I rest my palm against your cheek, for the sheer physical contact. "Yes, I'm sure," I reply, "I'm starving."
660 Lost
I watch as you pull on clothes, and I walk slowly up behind you. "Everything okay?" I ask, letting my hands slide up your body.
I hear you moan and I smile. "Behave." You laugh, as you push my hands away. I want to remind you that it takes two to tango, and that I'd happily spend my day rolling around you in bed, but you insist that you're starving, insist that we go out.
Reluctantly, I pull on clothes, shorts and a tight t-shirt. I watch as you smile at me. "I like that shirt." You say, running your hands over my muscles.
"Behave," I say, in a high pitch, laughing at you.
"I don't sound like that." You fake pout, pulling on your shoes.
"Sure you do."
"Fine." You say, "You're buying breakfast."
"Fine," I agree.
You take my hand and gently kiss me. "Ready?" You ask.
"Yeah, you know where we're going right?"
"Of course," You say, as if it's a ridiculous question.
An hour later, we're still walking up and down the same street. "Alex, are you sure you know where you're going?"
"Stop asking me."
"I just…I thought you were…"
"I am."
"So could we stop and…"
"I know where I'm going." You cut me off.
"As long as we're not.."
"We're not lost." You demand.
"Okay," I say, trying not to smirk at you as you look up and down the street.
"It should be that way," you say, pulling me with you.