The More You Cry, The Less You Pee: Pepa's Guide to Grief
Recap by Misty Flores
Previously on LHDP: The death of Lucas shocked and devastated the precinct; particularly Silvia (his ex-wife) and Sara (his current lover). At the funeral, Paco revealed to his daughter that Lucas was alive, and the 'death' was all a plot to free Lucas from being hunted by both the Kaiser and Commander Salgado. Rejoiced at being reunited, Sara and Lucas took off for a beach town.
Unfortunately for them, Salgado's sharp eyes caught Paco saying good-bye to the star-crossed couple and now suspects that the death was a hoax and Lucas is alive and well.
EPISODE 4x25: The More You Cry, The Less You Pee: Pepa's Guide to Grief
In the precinct locker room, an increasingly naked (and therefore increasingly distracting) Salgado tells Mariano that she thinks Lucas is alive.
Meanwhile, Lucas and Sara frolic on the beach in hard-bodied pretty bliss. They also decide they need to get out of the country right away. But to do that? They need passports.
AT CACHIS
Lola is dismayed when she learns that Sara has taken off for the beach in this time of misery.
Paco, who promised to let Sara in on the secret once they were safely away, struggles with trying to reveal the truth to Lola.
Lola realizes her hubby is hiding something, and presses to hear about it.
LOLA: Paco?
He hesitates and goes for it.
PACO: The child is…
PEPA [OS]: Good morning!
It's Pepa, with a warm smile and an embrace for Paco.
LOLA: Hi, Good morning.
Not far behind is Girlfriend Silvia, who takes the chair next to Paco. Trapped, Paco loses his nerve.
PACO: She's at the beach, honey. The little girl is at the beach.
Meanwhile, Sara and Lucas continue their pretty frolicking.
Back at Cachi's, the family discusses Sara's apparent decision to run off in her grief.
JULIAN: I would LOVE to be there. Just being lazy. At the beach. With a beer.
Lola is hesitant. Silvia, who has appeared to have worked through her grief, tries to lift her spirits.
SILVIA: Well, maybe this is good for her. To spend a few days on the beach and forget about… all this, Lola.
At the beach, Sara decides to make a call.
Meanwhile, Mariano enters Cachi's worried about the news his secret girlfriend has just told him.
MARIANO: Paco. A moment of your time, please.
Paco gets up and follows him. Mariano relays the upsetting news that Salgado has seen through the ruse and now is determined it exhume the body and prove that Lucas is alive.
As Paco processes this, his cellphone, left on the counter, rings. It's Sara. Lola grabs it.
LOLA: Sara, my love!
Paco blinks and rushes for the phone, but now he's fighting with Pepa and Silvia to get to it, because they're both trying to reach for it too.
Sara is startled.
SARA: Mom?
LOLA: Darling, why did you leave without even saying goodbye? Are you with your friend Christina?
Silvia and Pepa keep trying to shove each other gently to try to get the phone. Paco tries to reach behind them.
SARA: Yes!
Lucas comes running out of the sea and joins her on the sand. Sara puts it on speaker.
SARA: I'm with Christina! It's just… I needed to get out of there, Mom. But now I'm much better.
Lucas starts to play with her, kissing her on her neck and shoulders.
Paco, Silvia and Pepa keep arguing quietly amongst each other and pleading for Lola to hand them the phone.
LOLA: But my love, don't you think it'd be better to be with the people that love you the most?
SILVIA: LOLA!
LOLA: You sound sad.
Lucas has started biting Sara's hip.
SARA: No, no! I'm fine! I'm laughing and everything!
She erupts in a giggle from Lucas' attention.
PACO: Give it to me, Lola! Tell her I want to speak with her!
LOLA: Don't lie to me, Sara. How could you laugh right now, darling?
Pepa and Silvia are getting more desperate.
Sara tries to quiet her giggles.
SARA: It's because Christina is tickling me.
LOLA: Well, I'm happy to hear you like this…
Silvia and Pepa start outright grabbing the phone.
SILVIA: Lola.
SARA: Mom. I love you a lot. Can you pass me Dad?
Lola is being attacked.
LOLA: I love you-ACK!
Sara, unaware, hands the phone to Lucas and heads back for the water. Tentatively, Lucas holds it up to his ear.
LOLA: I love you, my darling!
Silvia has won the battle, and has grabbed the phone.
SILVIA: Sara!
PACO: Silvia, please!
Silvia ducks under the grabbing hands.
SILVIA: It's Silvia, how are you, my precious?
Lucas is frozen, watching as Sara is now too far away to be brought back.
Panicking, he offers a feminine whimper. Silvia winces.
SILVIA: Oh, Sara, don't cry, please.
She offers a stricken glance to Pepa, who in turn offers an agonized glance to Lola.
Paco wants his phone back, stat.
SILVIA: No, please don't cry. I hate hearing you cry!
PACO: Give me the phone!
Lucas offers another whimper.
SILVIA: Sara. Sara!
Paco tries to grab the phone, but his little sister is too quick for him.
PEPA: Here, let me -
PACO: Pepa! Pepa please!
But Pepa's taller and faster. She yanks the phone from Silvia and heads away from Paco
PEPA: Sara, my love how are you, my darling?
Lucas blanches. Paco follows Pepa but without looking she blocks him and keeps walking.
PEPA: If you need to cry? Cry! Cry, because the more you cry the less you pee. Honey, the pain is nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing wrong with it, its normal, it's -
Lucas can only keep whimpering. Paco finally gets his hands on the phone.
PACO: Okay! Okay! OKAY!
He yanks the phone and glares at Pepa, who blinks in confusion. He answers the phone.
PACO: Sara?!
LUCAS: No, it's LUCAS!
Lucas tells Paco that he needs a fake passport for him and Sara's passport so they can leave the country. Paco immediately agrees. As he talks to Lucas, Povedilla hears him calling Lucas' names, and gets very confused.
DEAD BODY HIJINKS
In the midst of this Paco and Mariano, aware that Salgado has put through her request to exhume Lucas' body, decide to steal the bodies surrounding Lucas' grave and make it look like a satanic ritual.
Lola walks in on them stealing a body and dragging it into Mariano's house, and Paco drags her to his place to tell her the truth: Lucas is alive and Sara is with him. Lola is saddened that Sara will always be away from them, but is resigned that this is her daughter's choice. She resolves to be happy with it.
Povedilla, Curtis and Rita are determined to find out what Paco and Mariano are hiding in Mariano's apartment. Povedilla sneaks, but is forced to hide in the casket when Salgado comes over to Mariano's, determined to seduce him.
Povedilla is forced to hide with the dead corpse in the casket as Mariano and Salgado start having sex on the covered casket. She had no idea there's a dead body in there.
Don Lorenzo calls Salgado and leaves her a mushy message, determined to step up his 'seduction' but Mariano intercepts the call and drags Salgado to his bedroom. Povedilla scrambles out.
MEANWHILE
Lucas calls Paco and Lola and asks them for Sara's birth certificate. They're going to get married.
Paco and Lola are overcome with joy, and both couples happily embrace over the news.
Paco rushes to Mariano's to tell him the good news, and is dismayed when he discovers Salgado there, having obviously spent the night.
Betrayed and furious, Paco storms out.
THE NEXT DAY
Much of the group gathers together for an impromptu meeting. Mariano, Salgado and Paco all toss each other uneasy looks.
Silvia just plain doesn't want to be there. Salgado makes her announcement.
SALGADO: Good morning. Yesterday I received permission from the judge to exhume the body of Lucas Fernandez. The exhumation will take place today at 12:00 hours.
DL and Salgado go on to explain that they have reason to believe that the remains buried in the casket are not in fact, Lucas's remains.
Silvia is horrified and pissed.
SALGADO: Lucas Fernandez could still be alive. I ask for your collaboration in helping us find out who is responsible for this deception. Thank you.
Furious and in disbelief, Silvia goes to consult with Paco.
Meanwhile, the real body snatchers (Rita, Povedilla and Curtis, who stole the ashes they thought were Lucas' and shipped them to Madagascar, pow-wow in the back).
Curtis relays the consequences of what will happen if they find the ashes from Povedilla's grill instead of Lucas' body.
CURTIS: What about the people who really loved Lucas? Huh? They're going to think he's alive! Think about Sarita! Or Silvia! Or Lola, who adores him! Or who used to! Shit. And not to mention Paco and Mariano! That's the last thing they need!
He gathers his courage and stands.
CURTIS: Commander Salgado! You have reason. The remains that everyone thinks are of Lucas Fernandez are not of Lucas Fernandez. And they're not the remains of Lucas Fernandaz because we switched the ashes.
Everyone reacts with horror.
DL demands an explanation. Rita, now near tears, stands up.
RITA: Don Lorenzo, Curtis isn't lying. All we wanted to do was for Lucas to rest in peace. And because he had that silly dream of going to Africa, well… we sent his ashes there! To Madagascar!
She clutches Paco's hand and sobs. Salgado head-palms.
POVEDILLA: What's in the casket is the ashes from a barbeque. My barbeque. The leftovers from me and Rita… oh and… the babies! Sabrinita - you know, since her teeth are coming in we gave her a bone to kinda… soothe it…
Curtis says they can confirm it for themselves, and offers himself up to DL for any punishment that DL deems fit.
CURTIS: The only thing we wanted to do is make clear that Lucas Fernandez is in fact dead.
Salgado is just over it. This is just beyond words. She just gathers her files and exits the room. Montoya follows her.
In her office, Salgado tells Montoya that the three responsible will have their badges taken away from them. Montoya interrupts her and tells her that he used to be just like her, but then he got to know Paco and his band of merry men and he realized what it meant to be part of a family. She asks him if he's actually asking her to ignore this.
He says he just wants her think about the fact that these officers risked their entire careers just to try and let their comrade rest in peace.
He leaves. Outside, Paco, Curtis and Rita watch, frightened. He offers them a reassuring wink and walks away.
Torn, Salgado finally throws away her file.
MEANWHILE
A very alive Lucas has begun to hack into the Kaiser's network and figures out the Kaiser's next big move.
That's just what Allison wants, who pinpoints his exact location.
Sara has the passports and tickets to get out of Dodge, but Lucas is now distracted with what he found out.
Knowing Lucas will never rest until this is over, she tells him to finish it, but remember that they have a date to get married.
Lucas calls Paco and Mariano who are fighting over Mariano sleeping with the enemy. He tells them he's got a plan to take down the Kaiser.
End Episode.
NEXT: Episode 4x26: In the season finale, Paco gathers together all the Hombres (and Silvia and Pepa) and spills the truth: Lucas is alive! And getting married to Sara! And leading a mission to take down the Kaiser! Silvia and Pepa, upon seeing Paco's devastation at Lola's loneliness, elect to stay behind with Rita and try to cheer her up with an impromptu bachelorette party for Sara via video conference. And then everything goes to hell.