DISCLAIMER: The usual. Nothing is mine, characters are others, situations are contrived purely for my pleasure. All hail ShowTime.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All hail female ejaculators.
SPOILERS: First season, anything is game. Picks up as the Season finale left off.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Love is a Word
Alice lay basking. It was nearly 32 hours since she last slept for more than ten minutes but was too keyed up at the moment to sleep. The long night keeping watch over Tina last night, then checking to make sure Bette was okay, leading up to The Talk with Dana where she finally confessed her more than friendly feelings, culminating in some yummy goodness of the horizontal variety, all should have put her out like a light. Just like Dana, now sleeping peacefully in the crook of Alice's arm. But Alice's brain refused to relax. She thought back to the time when Dana's mom all but accused her of recruiting Dana into the Sapphic Sisterhood. Alice's response had been to retort defensively, "I have a boyfriend" though truth be told, Lisa was less of a boy and more of a lesbian than any genetic woman Alice had ever been with. Talk about drama!
Alice sighed and snuggled down even closer to Dana, managing to recover her arm while shifting to spoon into Dana's back. Breathing deeply of lingering shampoo from Dana's hair, dryer sheets in the recently changed linens, and a faint hint of sex, Alice closed her eyes and drifted off.
Only to be awakened much too soon for the second time that day by her telephone ringing. Dana stirred and mumbled something into Alice's armpit but didn't completely wake up. Alice brought the phone to her ear but heard only the dial tone. And the ringing didn't stop. Realizing it was Dana's cell phone, she stretched out from the bed but was barely able to reach the tennis player's workout shorts dumped so unceremoniously onto the floor only a few hours ago. Once the shorts were in hand, she answered the incessant ringing with a curt, "Dana Fairbanks's phone."
"Who is this?" the voice on the other end shrilled.
Alice rolled her eyes and attempted a cheerful persona, "Hi Tonya. This is Alice."
Tonya's voice shrilled again, able to cut glass with its severity, "Alice! Why are you answering Dana's phone. Oh my god, is she okay? What's wrong? Where's Dana?"
"Tonya, chill. Dana is" Alice looked at Dana who was starting to move but only just, " indisposed at the moment."
"I knew those burritos last night would be the death of her! I tried to warn her but did she listen to me? No, of course not. Well, I hope you have lots of scented candles, eh Alice." Tonya laughed her high wheezing laugh, the one that always made Alice wince.
Alice winced, "Is there a message I can give Dana when she comes to?"
"Oh no, just tell her I should be there in about 3 minutes, I'm just looking for a parking spot outside your building now."
Shit, shit, shit, thought Alice. Tonya's here! Now! But we're in bed. We're naked. We're in flagrante delicto! Now is a very bad time to come over. Shit, she already knows Dana is here. Think Alice. How to cover this? Dana can't lie to save her soul. But you can!
"Great Tonya. Oh, just so you know, the elevator is out, so you'll have to take the stairs. Bye" That ought to buy us some time.
Alice clicked the phone off. Looking at Dana, she was struck again by her simple beauty. High cheekbones, even tan, sculpted eyebrows courtesy of Shane, thin line of drool trickling from one corner of her mouth.
"Dana" Alice whispered in a loud stage whisper. "You have to wake up now." Dana smiled in her sleep in response to the voice and reached out to snuggle the nearest appendage.
Alice kicked herself for having to do it, but necessity was the mother of all bitches, "Dana! Get up, you're late for practice! Wimbledon is starting without you! Martina wants you to be her doubles partner! Get moving girl!"
At the drill sergeant tone, Dana's eyes popped open and she sat up like a rocket. Frantically looking about the room, she finally focused on Alice sitting primly on the edge of the bed. Frowning and falling back onto the pillows, Dana complained, "Alice. I just got to sleep. That wasn't funny."
Alice pulled her up into a sitting position again. "Dana, I have to tell you something and you're not going to like it."
Dana pulled another face but stayed upright. "What?" she whined.
"Tonya is on her way up the stairs as we speak." Alice watched carefully to make sure the words made sense to her groggy friend. They did.
"Holy shit!" Dana cried jumping out of bed, scurrying around picking up clothes, many of them Alice's. "She can't find me here!"
Alice watched this with some amusement as Dana tried to put on three different pieces of clothes not her own at a time before interrupting. "Sweetie, she already knows you're here. There isn't time to get dressed, so here's what we're gonna do. Just follow my lead." The doorbell rang, and Dana looked at Alice like a deer caught in headlights. "Get back in bed and act natural." Alice left the bewildered Dana to go answer the door.
Once the door was open a fraction, Tonya burst through. Wearing an outfit remarkably similar to the one now gracing Alice's floor, though not nearly so flattering, Tonya stalked into the front room, calling "Dana. Love, where are you? How's the tumbly wumbly?"
Alice waited patiently for Tonya to stop searching before saying, "Dana's in the bedroom. We were just trying to figure out what to do about the Bette and Tina situation? You knew they broke up, right?"
Tonya finally stopped pacing the front room, "In the bedroom? Why in the bedroom?" and followed Alice down the darkened hallway. Only to gasp at what she saw.
Alice and Dana sitting on the bed, naked and looking very somber. Dana was still under the covers but her upper torso was exposed, while Alice lay back propped up against a mound of pillows next to her, legs crossed at the ankles. Dana sat a little straighter and patted a space next to her, "Come sit down, Tonya."
Alice recrossed her legs, "Yeah, maybe you can help us figure out the best course of action."
Tonya stood rooted to the spot. Here was her fiancée in bed nude with an equally nude person, and they acted like this was the most natural thing in the world. Her mouth worked but no sound came out.
Alice turned her head to Dana, making sure not to ogle the perfect breasts so tantalizingly near. "Well I think Tina will need some time to get over a betrayal like this."
Dana shifted so her head rested on Alice's legs, baring more of her lean body in the process. "Well obviously Bette is hurting too if she was willing to jeopardize their life together over some fling."
Alice shrugged, all too aware of the closeness of Dana's head to her favorite spot, "True but-"
Suddenly she was interrupted by Tonya's incredulous voice, "Dana! What the hell are you doing?"
Alice watched proudly as Dana merely glanced over at Tonya as if without a care in the world, "What Tonya? We're trying to figure out how best to help Bette and Tina."
Tonya's face was growing red. She flustered, "Dana!"
"What?" Dana's expression didn't waver, as Alice cheered in her head.
"You're naked!" Tonya's face went from rose to crimson in a matter of moments and Alice wondered if now might be a good time to jump in. But Dana again just looked at Tonya with wide eyed innocence.
"So? Alice and I always talk naked. You knew that."
Tonya straightened up, pronouncing, "I most certainly did not! You mean to tell me you often come over here and cavort around in your birthday suit?"
Here Alice did join in, "I hardly think trying to find a way to save our friend's relationship constitutes cavorting."
Dana scoffed, "Yeah hardly."
Tonya huffed, "Well I'm not sure how I feel about this Dana." She stood watching the two women for a moment longer, waiting for a response. Not getting one, she turned squeakily on one suspiciously white sneaker and stalked out, slamming the door behind her. Not until they heard a car door slam loudly and the car squeal off down the street, did they relax and burst into peals of laughter.
"Oh god, that was the best. The absolute best. The only thing better would have been to tape it." Alice delighted, "The look on her face. I thought she was going to have a coronary."
Dana giggled kicking her heels against the bed, "Oh! That felt so good. God what the hell was I thinking with her?'
Alice pursed her lips together as far as they would go, "Dana!" she imitated Tonya with remarkable accuracy, "No cavorting! Only I can see you naked, and sometimes not even me."
"Ain't that the truth." Dana smiled a small sad smile. "She is a tad possessive."
"A tad?" Alice replied sarcastically. "But Dana, I can't believe how well you lied to her! I thought I was going to have to carry the whole thing, and there you were looking cool as a cucumber and good enough to eat."
Dana waggled her eyebrows, "Oh really?" and shifted her head closer to the apex of Alice's legs. "You know" she drawled as she drew one finger up and down Alice's thigh, "I thought for a second I might blow it."
Alice suddenly found it hard to catch her breath. The timbre of Dana's voice had changed into a lower huskier one. The tone she always found irresistible. "Really?" she squeaked.
Dana's lips began to follow the path of her fingers, "Mmhmm. It was about the time I thought I could smell you."
Alice gasped, "Really?"
Dana's tongue reached out to swipe at the triangle of hair, "Really. I thought to myself, God, is that Alice I smell? No, it can't be. Not with Tonya here. But now that she's gone and I'm able to concentrate, I think it just might have been you." And with that she pressed her face into Alice's thighs just as Alice slid them apart. Alice felt like she had died and gone to heaven.
It was true that the whole scene with Tonya had done nothing to dispel her hatred of the woman, but at the same time, she found herself incredibly aroused by the sight of Dana's head resting on her legs. The feel of Dana's soft hair on her thighs tickled just enough to send a message to Alice's monkey brain and set the juices flowing. She worried that if Tonya lingered much longer she would be caught in a much more compromising situation. "Hi Tonya, your fiancée was just getting me wet. Care to join the discussion?"
Dana continued to shift her body until she was situated just right. Not too much neck strain, enough air circulating to breath, she was good to go for hours if need be, lapping away at Alice like a cat with cream. Alice on the other hand was rising higher with each nibble, lick and suck from Dana.
"All those years watching Mr. Piddles wash himself must have unconsciously taught Dana about proper body mechanics. Hey, that's right; I need to check with Mr. P's vet again. See if he came up with any reason for his untimely demise. Okay Dana, ease up there kid. Plenty of me to go around. Oh yeah, that's it. Very nice. Very. No, she can't be! Oh god, she is. Yes, do that again. Do that swirly thing! Yes, do it. Do it!"
Alice's hips rocked in time to Dana's tongue on her clit. No other action was required, just the steady pulse of pressure from Dana's tongue to set Alice's legs quaking. Soon she was trembling, crying out in her delight, "Oh yes, Dana that's it. Don't stop, it's so good. Don't ever stop." As she felt herself coming,
Alice glanced down, meeting Dana's eyes shining with excitement. It was the one thing guaranteed to send her over.
Recovering a few seconds later, though it might have been days as far as Alice was concerned, she pulled Dana up to her, tasting herself all over her lover's face. "God, Dana that was fantastic."
Dana looked concerned, "Sure?'
Alice burst out laughing, "Sweetie I am so sure!"
Dana glanced down, bashful, "Well I wasn't sure. I mean, Tonya never let me, but now that I think about it, that might have been a good thing. I mean, it might have ruined it forever, you know? And it's been a while since Lara."
Alice stopped her, "What do you mean, Tonya wouldn't let you do it?"
Dana shook her head, "No, Tonya never let me go down on her. She has a real thing about it too. I mean, I couldn't get her to do much else to me but that."
"Let me get this straight." Alice took a deep breath, "Tonya dictated what you could do in bed? Didn't she care what you wanted?"
Again shaking her head, "I guess not. She was very specific about what we could do, or at least what I could do. To her, I mean."
Alice could not believe what she was hearing, "And that was what, exactly?"
Dana thought, "Well, she went down on me all the time, but I couldn't go down on her. She would, you know, rub on me, her on top, that was always good to get her off but that seemed like it was the only way."
"Wow" was all Alice could say. "What a total butch. And not in the good way."
"Yeah." Sighed Dana.
Alice quickly took her face into her hands and kissed her deeply. When they came up for air, Alice said quietly with a smile in her voice, "Dana, you can get me off any way you want."
For the third time that day, Alice awoke to the sound of the phone ringing, but this time she was determined to ignore it. Dana on the other hand was unable to do so, and picked up the receiver from her side of the bed. "Hello, Alice's place. No, she's asleep right now, can I take a message? Oh, hi Dr. Johnson, this is Dana Fairbanks. Yes, thank you, it was a great shock to lose Mr. Piddles so suddenly. Why are you calling Alice, she doesn't have any pets? Oh, okay. Yes, I'll see she gets the message. Bye."
Alice rolled over as Dana put the phone back. "I'm up. What did Johnson say?" afraid to hear the answer, Alice held her breath.
"She said to tell you the test results were positive. What does that mean?" Dana sounded confused.
"Oh nothing. C'mere, I'm getting cold. But first unplug the phone. I want to hide from humanity for the next three hours at least." Inside Alice's head, her brain felt like it was going to explode. Positive! The test results were positive! So Mr. P had been poisoned, just as she suspected. There was only one person who was cruel enough and crazy enough to have poisoned Dana's most cherished cat, Mr. Piddles, International Cat of Mystery. Alice never quite understood Dana's overwhelming affection for the little furrball, the nicknames, the voices, god help them the costumes at Halloween and cards at Christmas, but she certainly never resented him either.
Alice wrapped her arms around Dana who cooed with contentment. Alice wondered how in the world she was going to break the news to Dana. Not that she didn't want to bust Tonya, but the damage to Dana could be substantial. True, everyone had one girlfriend who could be classified as "psycho" sooner or later if one dated long enough in the lesbian pool, but psycho didn't necessarily mean homicidal. She decided to ponder this a bit further, and seek advice from the one woman who had more psycho exes than the rest of them put together: Shane.
Shane sat morosely staring into her cup of coffee. In its swirls, she saw the layers of color in Cherie's hair; the cup reminded her of Cherie's alabaster skin under her breasts, the scent-. Crash! Shane sent the cup flying against the wall of The Planet to the startled squeaks of the other patrons. Marina merely sighed, made another cappuccino, poured it into a disposable paper cup and set it in front of Shane. Shane looked up, her eyes bloodshot through her blue blocker sunglasses.
"That'll be thirteen fifty." Marina informed her quietly.
Shane frowned, "For a 'cino?"
"Three fifty for the coffee, and ten for the cup." She replied. "Next time let me know and I'll make it for you in the yellow cups. Those ones you can break with impunity. Francesca bought them." And walked off.
Shane sighed and took a healthy swig off the steaming drink. Never in all her years of womanizing, carousing, or hustling was there a woman who created such feelings in Shane. Excitement, thrill, danger but also long moments of peace and serenity. She knew that they would never be able to sustain the extensity forever, but neither did it occur to her that Cherie would break it off completely. One moment they were enjoying themselves to the fullest, and then suddenly it was over! Restraining orders, angry husbands making threats, blocked phone calls. Shane sat back wondering how it was possible to feel so completely shattered and yet still be able to function. To dress, to go to work, cut heads; come here to watch her coffee swirl in the cup, reminding her again of Cherie.
She seriously considered trying the old negative reinforcement trick of wearing a rubber band and snapping it sharply against her wrist every time she caught herself thinking of Cherie. But with the frequency of the blonde's appearance in her head, Shane's wrist would look like a strung out junkie's in a few days. She sighed again. And was actually grateful when Alice plonked herself down in the opposite chair demanding her attention.
"Tonya killed Mr. Piddles." She said quietly but with a ferocity that surprised Shane. Sure, they all hated the over teased, loud, overbearing woman who so dominated Dana's life these days, but oftentimes-new girlfriends were like that. They wanted to assert some sense of superiority over one's regular friends, just to prove the strength of the relationship. Unless of course, the relationship was a secret. In Cherie's case, she never cared enough to find out anything about Shane's friends, and never needed to assert anything, knowing with cold calculation that Shane's response would always be "How High?" when she said, "Jump." Shaking her head to clear the sound of Cherie's voice from her memory, Shane scoffed, "What?"
Glancing around to see if anyone was listening, Alice explained, "I never trusted that woman, so when Mr. P. up and died so suddenly I got suspicious, and had his vet-"
"That hot Dr. Johnson?" Shane interrupted. Just because she wished she were dead, didn't mean she was.
"Yes, hot Dr. Johnson. I had her do an autopsy on Mr. Piddles and test for any poisons, you know? Well today, she calls to tell me that he had enough arsenic in his system to take out ten cats. She wants me to have Dana make a list of any neighbors or people who might have something against her cat, for going in their yard or eating petunias or whatever. Apparently it's illegal to poison cats."
Shane thought for a moment, "So Dana has to make up an enemies list for Mr. Piddles?"
Alice rolled her eyes. "But Mr. P was an indoor cat, he never went outside! It must have been Tonya."
She sat back in her chair to gage Shane's reaction.
"Why would she kill Dana's cat?"
"Because he was competition. Shane! She's a wacko. And we need to find a way to get rid of her."
"Like arsenic? Isn't that a bit extreme?"
Alice fumed, "We aren't going to poison her. But who knows what she'll do if Dana tries to break up with her the normal way?"
Shane considered this. "Well we know she won't take it well. Why not make her think it was her idea?"
Alice looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"
Shane smiled a sweet, evil smile, "We make her break up with Dana, rather than Dana breaking up with her."
"But she adores being with Dana. Probably sees her as a meal ticket. Or being famous by association. What better than to be the wife of someone famous? You aren't responsible to do anything, other than look halfway presentable on the red carpet. Like Anne Heche."
Shane's smile got even bigger, "But what if Dana did something so reprehensible that even Tonya couldn't take it?"
Now it was Alice's turn to smile, "Shane, this is Dana we're talking about. What could she possibly do that was so awful Tonya would break up with her over it?"
"Oh, I have some ideas."
Two days later, Alice watched as Shane's cunning plan went into effect. Tonya and a slew of her equally loud, obnoxious social hyena friends were gathered around a standing table at "Twat, The Night" drinking fruity drinks and cackling loudly. Tonya could be seen flailing her hands around, particularly the left, until said hand was grabbed by one of the woman who then screamed at the realization that her bling ring was real, and worn on the third finger.
At the next table, with an equally loud but more surly group, was Darcy, her blond hair spiked in front and matted in back. She too waved her hands about, shoving her ring finger under each of her companion's faces declaring loudly enough for even Alice to hear her quite clearly, "Yeah, mighty Ms. Fairbanks gave it to me after two weeks together. I think she thought I was going to give it back when she dumped me for some other loser, but no way, this ring is worth five figures at least. I think I deserved it for all the time I put into her, if you know what I mean. Who knows how many other saps she gave it to before me?" She took a long slow drink of her cocktail, and Alice was impressed that she managed to position herself so the ring on her smallish hand lined right up with Tonya's line of sight.
Tonya took the bait. Her eyes were riveted on Darcy's ring, an exact duplicate of the one on her own finger.
"Actually" shouted Darcy to be heard over the music, "She probably has dozens of them locked up in a wall safe somewhere. One for each girl to buy just another week with her. God, what a pig. Like I really believed she wanted to marry me."
Alice saw Tonya's eyes go wide, and her skin pale. Suddenly her companions found fascinating things all over the room at which to stare, as they all intently listened to Darcy, who sloshed her drink again.
"Yeah, the sex was okay." Leaning in conspiratorially yet still talking loud enough to be heard around the room, "Did you know she was an ejaculator? Then acted like it was some gift from heaven. Jees, I know girls who do that as party tricks."
Dana had objected strongly at revealing this most intimate detail of her life to the world at large until Alice pointed out that Tonya had most likely already spread the news of her unique ability. Judging by the looks on the faces of Tonya's pack, she had. But it also served as confirmation that Darcy could not possibly be lying.
Just then, Dana walked in. She nervously scanned the room, and meeting Alice's eyes, softened visibly. Alice nodded toward Tonya. Squaring her shoulders, Dana put on a happy face and walked over to Tonya's table. Leaning in to kiss her unsuspectingly on the cheek, Dana attempted a smooth tone, "Hey Baby, been waiting long?"
Tonya cringed away from Dana and her offending lips immediately. "How dare you!" she shrieked. "If you think I'm going to be one in a long line of losers you think you can buy with cheap jewelry and phony marriage proposals, you've got another thing coming! I wouldn't marry you if you were the last woman on earth." And with that, she drew up her formidable bosom and stormed out to great applause from the awestruck crowd. Dana looked properly perplexed until the last of Tonya's cronies had made their sympathy exit. Once the last of them were gone, however, she let out a whoop calling for drinks all around to the delight of the already delighted crowd. Darcy danced over grinning from ear to elvish ear. "Oh my god, that was so much fun! Dana if ever you need me to do that again to some bitch, I am so there! What a rush." She threw her arms around Dana in a quick hug, and then pulled the ring off, handing it to her. "Here's your ring back. It wasn't really worth all I said it was, was it?"
When Dana sheepishly admitted it was, Darcy smirked, "Now she tells me. I shoulda kept it as payment. But really, the look on that cow's face was payment enough. You rock, girl!"
Dana quickly put the ring in the inside pocket of her jacket zipping it in securely. Shane appeared at her elbow and led her to the table where Alice sat smiling.
"You guys are the best! I never would have thought of this in a million years!" she hugged Shane fiercely.
"Aww, it was nothing but fun." Shane dipped her head modestly. Dana kissed her on the cheek, laughing to see the flustered Shane blush. Then she turned to Alice, "Thank you." She said quietly. Dana leaned over the table and Alice turned out her cheek for her token kiss. Dana looked perplexed at this but pecked the smooth cheek anyway. Alice squeezed her hand under the table.
Shane stood, "Hey, you guys, I gotta jet. Danes, glad it worked out. Al, call me later." And with that, she disappeared into the night.
Dana turned to Alice, "Hey, Tonya's gone. Why are you going all closet-y on me?"
Alice melted, "Sweetie, it's not that. I just want to make sure Tonya has fully gotten the picture and is sure that you two are over, before we, you know, let everyone know we're together. I mean, I know our friends won't care, but how will it look to all those impressionable baby dykes out there if their hero hooks up with another girl so soon after being dumped so publicly? I don't want anyone to think this is some kind of rebound fling."
"No that's true." Dana admitted ruefully. "But we are together, right? This isn't just some thing to get me to break up with Tonya and now that it's done, your mission is accomplished?"
"No, not at all. In fact," she said waggling her eyebrows, "I think we should go somewhere and get us some hot rebound sex right now!"
"Dana, we talked about that word."
Laughing and arguing, the two left the bar, while a pair of mournful blue eyes watched from a dark booth in the back. Shane whispered to herself, "So Alice and Dana, eh? Well good for them."
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