DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Welcoming the New Recruits
By ralst


Gabrielle crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked sternly at the new arrivals; her attempt to look intimidating ruined by Xena's sarcastic smile and Alex's tendency to elbow her way to the front and block Gabrielle's glare from its targets. Which was just typical of their meetings lately, Gabrielle fumed.

"Out of the way!" With an elbow to the ribs and a boot to the instep, Gabrielle pushed past Alex and took a step closer to the newbies. "I'm Gabrielle, and I'm in charge around here."

"That is a highly misleading statement," Alex countered, hobbling towards the shorter blonde, "and one that is still being looked at by the infractions subcommittee."

"I'm the eldest!" Gabrielle's usual first salvo was met with bored looks from nearly all assembled, apart from Xena who merely lifted a questioning brow. "Second oldest," she amended.

"Age doesn't matter!" Alex insisted, as usual, her comment met with a round of applause from Janeway and Roslin. "It's my turn."

Scribbs looked at her watch; Willow opened a paperback; and Chase, ever the practical one, sharpened her fangs and swapped slaying techniques with Buffy and Faith.

"Excuse me, but could y'all tell me what's going on?" asked Nora, her head spinning as she watched the two unknown blondes trade insults.

"A ritualistic fight for dominance of a social group or, to be more precise, interweaving set of social and romantic subgroups." Seven shared a long suffering look with B'Elanna. "It is futile."

Nikki and Nora exchanged looks of their own.

"It's a pissing contest," supplied Scribbs helpfully.

Olivia abandoned her usual sulk for a moment to offer, "It should be over in about three minutes. Less if Gabrielle starts waving around her kitchen knives."

"Sais," Xena corrected. "And I've told her not to brandish them in mixed company."

The two blondes had taken to standing an inch apart and shouting directing into each others face; their words, if anyone had cared to listen, made little sense but the growling and spitting were quite effective.

"Shouldn't someone do something?" Nikki asked.

"Don't bother." Chase gave the brunette a slow once over. "I offered to rip out their throats last time, but everyone said it would be too 'messy'."

Taking hold of her girlfriend's arm, Nora pulled her further away from the platinum blonde.

"Couldn't we just explain the rules while they're . . ." Ash pointed at the pair of seething blondes currently wrestling on the floor. "And be done with it?"

In an instant Alex and Gabrielle were back on their feet and staring daggers at Ash.

"They're our rules," insisted Gabrielle.

"I spent weeks finding the perfect precedents and legal mumbo-jumbo," Alex added.

"Yeah, but when it comes to rules, no one beats Ash," Scribbs cut in, circling her partner in her arms when the idea of having her proficiency at rules called into question became too much. "But now you've stopped spitting, can we get on with this?"

Before Gabrielle and Alex could start round two, Xena cut in and began laying out the ground rules, "As femslash characters you've now been absorbed into the . . . something or other . . . And you," she pointed towards Nora, "are also part of the blonde group."

"B.F.A.G." Alex and Gabrielle hissed.

"Right." Xena took a closer look at Nora's muscles. "And you are also a member of TV Butches Anonymous." She looked at Nikki. "Which I guess means you're stuck with the femmes."

Indignant cries echoed across the room.

"We're very happy to have you," Catherine reassured Nikki. "By the way, you wouldn't happen to have a sister, would you?"

Several people groaned and Faith coughed something that sounded distinctly like 'lame line' before Sofia came to her new-found friend's assistance. "You look a lot like someone we know."

Sara took a step forward so she could examine the new specimen, but she was quickly shooed off by the blonde at Nikki's side. "Wendy, right?"

"Listen! I don't know who you people are but we're not joining any of your gangs." Nora reached for her badge. "We're police officers."

Ash, Scribbs, Olivia and Sofia echoed their movements and produced identification of their own.

"And I'm a lawyer," Alex added, as if that somehow trumped the cop-card.

"I told you we shouldn't eat oysters on an empty stomach," Nora whispered, edging further and further away from the group. "If I wake up screaming, it's all your fault."

"Xena didn't explain it properly," Gabrielle said, a quick wave of her hand dismissing the former Destroyer of Nations in a way that made the gods themselves quake in fear. "We're your support network, now that you're part of the femslash cause, and we'll be happy to explain all your rights and obligations as active femslash characters."

"I have a handbook," Alex added.

Nikki and Nora had taken so many steps backward during that little speech that they were practically out the door by the time Alex produced an affidavit and demanded that they sign, before she could part with a copy of the guidelines and handbook.

Scribbs, Ash, Sara, Sofia, Catherine, Chase, Buffy, Faith, Willow, Roslin, Seven, B'Elanna, Janeway, Olivia and Xena, all sighed with envy as the two women ran screaming from the room.

The End

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