DISCLAIMER: Don't sue! I'm not the boss of the show. Jerry and the head honchos at CBS lay claim to that. I'll have all the players back before night time and will give them bus fare if they need it.
SPOILERS: Some spoilers for the show. I took Sara's DUI and made my own story around that. I even gave Sara her own office - of sorts anyway.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Pain to Kill
By Corbeau's Alcove



"Sara? You have to move," Catherine's voice whispers in my ear. I'm awake but loathe to move from my current position. Her body is so warm and I love the feel of her head on my chest.

"Are you sore?" I ask concerned.

"A little baby," she admits.

I untangle myself from her carefully and sit up.

"Sorry," I say kissing her shoulder.

"No, it's okay, I more than enjoy the feeling of you under me," she says, her eyes dark.

Oh no, I know that look. Desire.

"Catherine," I say, my breath hitched as her hand plays with the hem of my shirt.

She ignores me, smiling as her hand tucks under the top and rests on my stomach. I know I should take her hand out but I don't and I think she takes this as permission to further explore because she pulls my top up so my stomach is visible.

She looks up and smiles.

"Having trouble breathing baby?" She teases as her lips make their way to my flesh. She drops tiny kisses on my stomach, her head moving perilously close to my breasts.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Honey, if you don't know what this is maybe I need to buy you some sex education books," she teases.

I am about to respond when her plastered hand lifts my top up so now my breasts are exposed to her. My hands find themselves wrapped in her hair and I curse them for playing along.

Her lips are moving in what I think is slow motion and I try to move my body down so she can get the hint but as soon as her lips wrap around my nipple I know I am not the one in control of this.

A slight hiss escapes my mouth as her teeth graze my nipple. She moves her head to do the same to the other one and it is then that I wish she had two heads so both nipples could be taken care of.

"Catherine," I say in a voice that is so low and throaty I have to clear my throat before continuing.

She looks up, trying to maintain her balance over my body.

"If you keep going it'll be hard for me to ask you to stop," I warn.

Her lips meet mine and I feel the fire in them. It's as almost like my own lips have been burnt off. She's forceful but still allows me to take control at times. Just as I think I'm in complete control of our kiss her fingers latch onto one of my nipples and distract me.

"Not fair," I growl as she pulls away and smiles.

"I want to continue," Catherine says, her hands moving away from my body.

"I want you too continue also," I say smiling.

"Mom? Sara?"

My God, Lindsay.

Catherine closes her eyes for a second and answers her daughter.

"Lindsay? What's wrong?"

"Can I come in?" She asks.

Catherine looks at me and I smile ruefully.

"We shouldn't be doing this now," I say. After all, she was straining to hold herself up over my body as it was. I'd rather not be the cause of her wound re-opening.

"No, we should have done this a long time ago," she says.


Catherine sighs.

"Ten minutes Linds, Sara's just waking up."

I laugh.

"Cath, I love you." I say pulling down my top.

"I loved the sounds you made when I had your nipple in my mouth," Catherine says in return.

"You are such a flirt," I say, my heart beat still climbing.

"It was so goddamn sexy," she continues.

"Catherine, stop," I plead.

She just smiles at me as she gets out of bed.

The drive to work was a blur. All I could think about was Catherine's teeth, Catherine's mouth, her tongue, her fingers. I think I ran one red light but I couldn't be sure.

If this is how I am after that I'm not sure I'll be able to cope when we make love. May have to take the next day off work so my senses can get back to normal.

My God I'm aching for her. I need to feel that release with her inside me, coaxing the climax out of me. I know from our little make out sessions already that she has an aggressive streak in her and that she's one big tease yet I also know she's attentive to my own responses. That combination will more than likely send me overboard more than once.

I'm looking forward to it. A lot.

My cell rings, startling me at first.

"Your ears burning?" I ask as I see it is Catherine who is calling me.

"No but other parts of my body are," she says.

"Okay, luckily I'm parked," I say softly.

"You asked," she says, soft laughter floating through the line.

"Did you call Nancy?" I ask.

"Yep and she says she can take me to the doctor."

I had wanted to come with her when the doctor checked her side but Brass was interviewing someone who said he had information on Jacinta Gretey and I really shouldn't miss it considering this could be the breakthrough we sorely needed.

"I'm sorry I can't come with you," I say.

"I know baby but work is important. I'll call you as soon as I'm out of there."

"Get Nancy to drop you off here and I'll take my break then. The guys miss you so they'd love the chance to fuss over you." I suggest.

"Ah the guys. Our chaperones?" She teases.

"Catherine Willows, are you implying I wouldn't be able to stop myself from touching you for one hour?"

Her laugh is loud and glorious to my ears.

"I'm not going to answer that," she says.

"So will you think about it?" I ask.

"I'll come in Sara. Want me to pick up something?"

"Well if you come empty handed I could have to result to eating you," I say smiling.

Catherine coughs.

"I didn't know I was on the menu," she teases.

"Would you like to be?" I ask.

I've never been good at this kind of thing and I actually used to think this kind of talk at anytime was just too cheap for my liking. I have to say, I'm really enjoying it with Catherine.

"I think I already am from that note on your latest batch of flowers," she replies.

She's so good at this. Funny how something as easy as breathing can be hard to forget.

"Damn Catherine," I whisper.

"Sorry baby, you all hot and bothered now?" She teases.

"Now? I've been like that since I first kissed you," I say.

"Wow, here I was thinking I was winning this little round and you say something so sweet."

I smile.

"I was only being honest." I tell her.

"Okay, well I'd better hang up before you start charging $5.95 a minute," she says.

I laugh and bid her farewell.

I open the door and swing my legs out. They are wobbly and I have to lean against the door for a moment. I feel like I've just found more pulse points in my body because I've got a weird sensation coursing through my veins.

Who would have thought Sara Sidle, the woman afraid of being intimate was capable of being so fucken horny.



The shift dragged on but I knew it would. I was too excited about seeing Catherine, the fates would see to it that my eyes would drift to my watch too many times. My stomach was doing funny flips, in fact at first I thought I was coming down with a stomach bug but when my heart started to beat that little bit faster and my smile was permanent, I knew the symptoms lead to only one conclusion.


Mixed in there was a very good dose of arousal. It had been building for a few weeks now, I was starting to think that making love may just be the best thing that hadn't happen to me yet. I knew Catherine's body was incredibly stunning, I knew a few of her favourite spots that I could tease until she begged me not to. I knew that I wanted her to touch me, to see me. I was ready to release myself to her, trust her with my passion and knew that she'd do whatever I needed. If that meant stopping I knew she'd respect me.

That knowledge was like a weight lifting off me and that would only lead to good things for us.

Who can believe that I've not had a drink for such a long time? I just assumed that would be my life until I became ashes. Now I see a future with a woman I love with my entire heart and soul, a woman who can fight me and yet have the love in her heart to forgive me.

"Hey, this came for you," Nick says dropping a padded envelope on the table.

"Thanks Nicky," I say grinning when I make no attempt to open it. I know Nick is interested in knowing what's in there.

"So, Cath's coming in?"

"Yeah, in about fifteen minutes. You and Warrick free?" I ask, already knowing his answer.

"Gris banned us from Catherine's house so yeah, I'm ready to see her," Nick says smiling.

"I'm going to get a few things done before she gets here," I say getting up.

"Don't get too distracted you miss her," he yells at me.

Like that would happen.

My constant companion; my coffee, sits on Catherine's desk as I rip open the package. Pulling out the frame I can't help but smile at the finishing design. I'd probably spent too much time on it, trying to capture everything I wanted to say.

I had been on a Sarah McLachlan marathon and found a song on her more recent albums that, as I was listening to it for the first time, seemed to fit Catherine so perfectly it was scary. I knew she loved my words but I wasn't comfortable having them displayed wherever she chose to hang this so I let Sarah, the accomplished writer, do it for me with her song, 'Push'.

The frame wasn't my favourite but there was an option of changing it if Catherine didn't like it. It was silver with a small black border on the inside. The paper was a perfect replica for the bluest Catherine's eyes can get, the blue when she's so full of joy. I love those times because it's usually so relaxed and unguarded it makes me glad I was given a chance to see that Catherine.

The words were written in a calligraphy style but weren't so heavily italicized that you couldn't read the words. They seemed to flow along with the pace of the song; a match made in heaven. After all, the lyrics were the most important thing. I smiled, I hope she liked this.

"Hey, she's here." Warrick says tapping on the door.

I nodded, giving time for everyone else to fuss over her. It also wouldn't look too good to sweep her in my arms and kiss her. It may just be a little too obvious.

Even for Grissom.

When I heard everyone groan about a joke Greg was just ending I made my entrance. Catherine's focus shifted to me at once and I felt the weight of her attention. I loved it.

"Hey there Sara. Busy working?" Catherine asks.

"Just finishing something up. So, ready to eat?" I ask her, smiling.

"Sure thing. I bought in pizza," Catherine says, laughing as Nick's eyes widen.

"Off you go boys," Catherine says waving them with her broken arm.

"Can I steal you away for a minute?" I ask, trying to be professional just in case someone hears us.

"Certainly," Catherine says smiling at my tone.

When I get to her office I give Catherine just enough time to close the door before kissing her. My tongue is pushy today, not asking for permission to attack her mouth. She doesn't seem to mind, in fact she sinks into me and allows her tongue to be subdued.

"Whew, I wish you could greet me like that everytime I came to my office," she jokes.

"So, what did the doctor say?" I ask, taking her hand.

"I'm healing really well. Cast can come off in a matter of days he thinks. I'll still have poor strength in it for a while but he gave me some exercises to do."

"I can give you a few," I say grinning and winking at her.

"Miss Sidle, you dirty girl!" Catherine says laughing.

"Your side?" I ask, touching it through her clothes.

"He said he was really happy with it and that I can take the bandages off now. Only have a light gauze and at times I should let it air."

"Does that mean you'll have to sit around with no shirt on?" I ask. Good Lord, when did I turn into a teenage boy?

"I might, just for you if you're good," Catherine teases.

Okay, I need to change the subject. Think, think. Oh yeah, her present.

"Cath, I got you something. Now look, if you don't like it then that's fine. Really. I just saw it and it seemed to put into a perfect package what I think of you."

"I already know Sara, I see it in your eyes, feel it when you're holding me. I see it in your flowers and while you may not think you have a gift for expressing yourself I'm going to have to disagree," she says, kissing our clasped hands.

I blush and say nothing, I simply hand her the frame, carefully wrapped in tissue paper.

Catherine's eyes seem to be stuck on the picture like she's a statue. It worries me.

"You don't like it?" I ask worried.

"This is so beautiful Sara I'm not even sure where to start." Catherine says, her fingers tracing the edges of the frame.

"You don't have to put it up or anything, I just didn't want to hand you the paper," I tell her.

"I've got no words other than thank you and I love you," she says smiling widely and embracing me.

"I'm glad you like it," I say embarrassed.

"I love it but it's like my love for you Sara, it seems to just transcend words. I feel like I need to travel around the universe just to try and locate something that would verbally give me the words for it." Catherine says, tracing my face with light touches.

"Wow, maybe you should write or something," I say. That was incredibly moving.

We've just turned into saps. It's quite wonderful really.



It was funny how full my days had become. Usually it was the same thing day in and out. Work, more work and of course, drinking. There was a constant dark cloud following me.

Now my days consisted of waking up next to Catherine, helping her with household chores, playing with Lindsay and sneaking a few kisses here and there with the woman who captured my heart.

A few? Okay, quite a lot actually. I never wanted the feel of another's lips on mine as desperately as I seemed to need hers. I won't say it's an addiction for it brings up all manner of negative connotations but I do need her. Not just for physical means, she seems to bring out a stronger me in all senses. I find that I can talk to her about things without feeling weak. She just listens to me, lets me take things at my own pace. It's quite liberating to be honest.

She told me last night that she'll be coming back into work in a few days. It made me nervous, like I was a mother whose daughter was heading off to school for the first time. I found I wanted to protect her, wanted her safe. She laughed when I told her that but she told me my love made her feel safe. A girl can't beat that kind of thing.

I turned the key, juggling the groceries Catherine had asked me to pick up. I had the next shift off because I had subbed for one of the guys on Day so we decided to just relax, that meant all shopping had to be done now. I noticed the place was considerably quieter than it usually would be at this time. Only the Sarah McLachlan cd Catherine asked to borrow was filling up the silence.

"Cath?" I yell as I almost drop the bag with the eggs.

"In here babe," she says coming most probably from the bedroom.

I shut the door with my foot and dump the bags on the table.

Catherine's laying in bed reading a magazine but she drops it when I come in smiling.

"Hey Sara, how was work?" She asks getting up and kissing me.

"We closed the Jacinta Gretey case," I say sitting on the bed.

Catherine stands in front of me and I wrap my arms around her waist.

"That's great news baby. Who was it?" She asks me.

"Some random bloke who wanted a little of the action he witnessed between Jacinta and the bartender. She resisted, he killed her." I say sadly.

"Thinking with his dick," Catherine says shaking her head.

"It's so sad," I say, wrapping my arms around her tightly.

"I know babe but this time you got justice, that's a great part of the process for her loved ones. That closure."

I look up and Catherine's looking over my shoulder.

"Something you didn't get," I say angrily.

"Sara, it's okay baby. I know you worked hard, we've talked about this before. Sometimes it just doesn't swing the way we want," she tells me smiling.

I know not to disagree this time but it will always eat away at me. Something I'll have to carry I guess.

"Enough of this. Come one," Catherine says grinning when I look at her blankly.


"You are having a shower and I'm taking you out," she says handing me a towel.

I'm frowning at her and her smile is infuriating me. She has a secret plan and I'm not a patient person. I want to know and she knows that.

"Can I get a clue?" I beg.

Catherine just laughs and orders me into the shower telling me to dress up.

"I'm showing you off tonight Sidle, be prepared for heads to turn." She says huskily.

I'm showering, wondering what to wear. I don't really have anything that impressive, a lot of my clothes are here yes but they are mostly work clothes. When I get out and slip Catherine's robe on I notice a box on the bed.

Curious, I read the card on top of it.

"Five, four, three, two, one," it reads. Okay, what the hell?

I open the box and carefully unveil the surprise. I'm not one for dresses simply because I couldn't work in one. I will admit to being more of a tomboy than Catherine but this dress was beautiful. I pulled it out of the box and the material just fell so beautifully I really didn't think I could do it justice. It was a lovely red, not too dark. The bottom seemed to be a little busier than the top part with a slight billowing out thanks to big folds like pleats pushing the fabric outwards. I held it up to the mirror and was worried. This dress was too much for me.

Sighing I put it on anyway. It felt pretty good against my body and I have to admit, it looked pretty good. It came in at the waist and really held my figure well. It felt good to dress up actually.

"Sara, you ready?" Catherine asked from the kitchen.

I had one more look in the mirror and nodded. I looked good.

I was trying to decide on how to do my hair when all thought flew out the window. Catherine was standing at the kitchen dressed in a black dress. Her hair was curly and flowed over her shoulders. The dress was amazing. It had a split up her thigh and had two layers underneath. It was tight around her waist, pulling the excess fabric up into a neat line on her side. That part seemed to be connected to the sash like part that came from the right side, up her torso and over her left shoulder. Put in terms we could all understand, she looked stunning.

"My God Catherine," I whisper.

"My thoughts exactly," she replies, coming up to kiss me with passion.

I have to pull away, the kiss is so intense. She twirls and I smile. She's poetry in motion.

"So, notice anything different?" She asks me.

"New dress?" I ask.

"That but something else," she says smiling.

I sweep my eyes over her and it finally hits me. God I'm stupid.

"No cast," I say grinning.

"No cast," she repeats.

This night just got even more interesting.



Once we parked and walked across the road to the little Italian restaurant, Catherine took my hand after I opened the door for her. I hesitated for a second but her smile eased my panic. Smiling back I kissed her knuckles and looked up as if daring someone to say something.

It didn't happen.

We did get the waiter stumbling over his words as Catherine flashed him one of her golden smiles though. Poor thing, Catherine could be quite a tease when she wanted to and unfortunately he wasn't quite able to cope with it.

"I don't want you giving those smiles away," I growled in her ear.

She shivered and I hoped it was from my tone.

"Trust me darlin, that smile isn't as bright and loving as the ones I give to you. That was my 'work' smile." She teases.

I think she's right though. I didn't see the sparkle in her eyes, the one I have seen when she looks at me. I felt a strange sense of privilege knowing that.

"You and your dress are stunning, everyone is looking," I whisper, running my hand down her spine.

I pull Catherine's chair out, getting in the way of the waiter at first. He looks up terrified he'd done something wrong but Catherine just smiles and tells him I'm very territorial.

I'm not into possession but I loved the tone of her voice when she told him that.

I sit opposite her and pick up the menu. I can't seem to concentrate, I sit looking at her arm freed of that cast and can't believe it wasn't the first thing I noticed when I got home.

"You look so damn sexy Sara," Catherine says, grabbing my hand across the table.

"You picked out the dress," I tell her.

"Mmm yes I did. I have great taste," she says in a sentence that sounded like she was talking about more than just the dress.

I can't really recall what I ordered because I was too busy listening and watching Catherine. She is mesmerizing. I found that I could get through a bad day just by hearing her voice. It didn't matter what she spoke about, it was the simple comfort of her that helped me.

God I'm so in love with this woman.

"Sara? Hello?" Catherine's light teasing voice breaks me out of my stupor.

"You are completely ravishing tonight Catherine," I tell her smiling as she blushes.

"Ravishing? Interesting choice of words there Sara."

"Is it?" I ask deliberately obtuse.

"Ladies, your meals are here," the waiter announces.

Damn, I guess that means I have to let her hand go.

"Wow, that was quick," Catherine says.

I have to agree. The night is going pretty quickly which is making me very nervous.

"Cath I mean it, I'm going to really scream in a minute," I tell her as we sit in her car.

She just smiles at me as if daring it, her hand on my thigh and climbing up.

"I'm three seconds away from exploding baby," I whisper. This is torture.

Her lips crash to mine and I struggle to get away. Truth of the matter is I don't want to move away, I just know that I should.

I hate logic.

"Poor Sara," she whispers as her tongue runs down my ear.

I'm squirming now, I feel like a fish in its last moments of life.

"Please Cath," I beg. I'm not a fan of begging but this is a dire circumstance here.

Laughing she unlocks the door and I sigh in relief. Jumping out of the car I grin when she drops her keys on the doorstep.

"Do you really want me to spoil this new dress?" I ask.

Her hand runs up my calf and settles on my arse.

"Good God no, I want you to wear this again," she whispers, turning her key in the front door lock.

"Thank God," I sigh dramatically and make the mad dash to the toilet.

"I told you you should have gone at the restaurant," I hear her voice teasing me through the door.

"If you hadn't pressed your hand on my bladder I would have been fine," I yell back smiling.

"I'll be putting my hand on more than that soon Sidle," she says breathlessly.



I was still smiling when I finished in the bathroom but my smile turned into shock when I saw the candles lit around the bedroom. Catherine stood at the doorway holding out two champagne glasses, smiling as I noticed she was there.

"Cath?" I asked, looking right at the glasses.

"Oh baby, it's okay. Non alcoholic." She says coming over to me.


"Sorry, I should have told you first," she says shaking her head.

"Hey it's okay baby," I tell her hoping she'll look back up.

"I wanted this night to be special," she whispers.

"Every night I've spent with you have been special Catherine."

"Are you, I mean is this okay?" She asks, her hand motioning to the room.

"Just one thing," I say grinning when she looks panicked. "I need a kiss," I say pouting.

Handing me one of the glasses she moves to me and my tongue darts out. It's not very patient at times, it needs to taste her and with the way she moans when I stroke the inside of her mouth I don't think she cares.

Pulling away I hold the glass up for a toast.

"To believing in me."

Catherine touches my cheek.

"To us," she says. Simple yet beautiful.

"To us," I repeat, tapping my glass against hers.

We stand in her bedroom, glasses in hand just staring at each other. This is a pretty big moment for me and my heart is beating so loud I think the entire neighbourhood can hear it.

"If you can't," Catherine starts to say.

I know I'm ready but I also know I'm terrified. I hope I can push that to the back of my mind and do this right.

Taking the first step is hard for me and I decided right here in the presence of this goddess that I'm going to do it. Kissing her again I unzip my dress. There is absolute silence in the room so the zip sounds painfully loud. I can do this, I've been naked in front of her before.

Catherine's eyes are so dark I think it spurred me on. She looks up and we keep eye contact while I get out of my dress. I could see the love and trust I knew was already there but at this moment it really helped me.

Once I was down to just my thong and bra I suddenly forgot how to breathe. Catherine sensed the shift in me because she smiled and in seconds was wrapping me up in a hug.

"You are such a work of art Sara, don't hide from me," she whispers, kissing her way down my neck and to my breasts. Stopping there she looked up, I think asking for permission. I gave it to her.

Her hands came around to the front and she slowly unhooked the clasp. Leaving my bra on but moving it from my breasts she placed her hand over my heart. She stayed there for a moment just listening to the pace and smiling at its speed.

Meanwhile my nipples were getting hard just from her gentle touches and I knew I was more than ready for her to love me. I ached for her to connect with me.


She looks up smiling.

"Can I?" she asks, running her hands down my sides in touches so light I had to follow her just to make sure she was touching me.

I nod, not sure if I can say anything now that her hands are there.

She kisses me with passion I think has been burning for too long. The kiss itself is almost enough for me to fall to my knees but I grab her hair and pull her away gently. She moans as I massage her scalp but it doesn't distract her from her task. Starting at my chin she runs her fingers around my aching nipples and down the middle of my torso. I know I groaned in frustration because I feel her laugh against my hip.

Her fingers slide into my thong and ever so slowly she pulls them down to my knees. She stops and laughs which makes me look down.

"This isn't too romantic, I can't get it off," she complains.

I pull her up needing to kiss her to take the edge off. As I'm doing that she moves into my body and I understand she's trying to push me onto her bed. I love that we're communicating like this and that she's not being too forceful just yet. I'm not ready for that.

I lay on the bed, my legs still hanging off the side. Getting up on my elbows I can see her on her knees pulling my thong off. I also notice an embarrassing red flush has come out over my chest. I look like I have a rash.

"Sara," she mumbles into my stomach, her hands finally coming to rest on my breasts.

"Yes," I hiss as she licks up my torso and sucks on my neck. Her hands meanwhile are working magic on my breasts. I'm not even sure I'm cognitive enough to describe it but looking down I can see she alternates between sharp tugs with her teeth and rolling around them with her palms. She laughs as she does the latter, I suppose because her palms are so sensitive.

"Cath, this," I say in a sentence that would make no sense if I wasn't tugging at her dress.

She mumbles something into my left breast and makes no attempt to take her dress off. I'm starting to get a little weird.

"Cath," I say again, this time I think my nervousness came out a little because she stops immediately and looks up at me.

Her eyes are such a dark color I'm not even sure her blue will come back but she climbs off me, coming to sit near my side.

"You okay baby?" she asks worried.

Now I feel silly.

"It's okay," I tell her, sitting up trying not to grab for a sheet to cover me up.

"No, you tell me, I promise it'll be okay whatever it is," she says grabbing my hand.

"I just, uh your clothes," I say.

Gee that was great Sara, could you be anymore vague.

"I just feel kind of uncomfortable with you still dressed," I say looking at my hands.

Catherine says nothing and I refuse to look up. I don't want to see disappointment in her eyes.

I feel her moving off the bed and my heart drops. All desire has gone and in its place is regret and shame. I should be better than this for her.

"Sara?" Catherine whispers, her tone hard to decipher.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

"Sara," she says, this time it's with more force and I lift my head slightly.

And see her completely naked and grinning, her body covered in an angelic glow.



"I'm sorry," we say simultaneously. Our collective laughter helps to break the tension that had been building.

"I want this to happen," I tell her once again just so she knows there are no second thoughts.

Okay, so there is a fear there but I know with her it'll dissipate. She has that strength in her eyes and I really believe that I am worthy of her love. It's pretty awe inspiring to have someone give you that.

"Good because there is no way I can stop now," she purrs.

My eyes fall upon her side and the scar I know she'll always have. She grabs my hand warming it up a little and puts it over the wound.

"We all have scars Sara."

"I know," I whisper, bending down to kiss it tenderly.

"Let me heal yours," she say running her hands down my forearms.

I take comfort in her arms, sighing when I realise the tension has been lifted from my body. Now, as I feel her nipples rub against mine, I am just really excited about this.

"I want to know what makes you scream," I growl in her ear. I think my tone and comment surprised her in its ferocity but she moaned in response so I know she appreciated it.

My hands, shaking a little, lay on her breasts. I smile as she pushes her torso to me. My brain is actually working which is pretty amazing and I recall the noises she made the first time I had her nipple in my mouth. I want to hear that again.

I'm not sure how we haven't exploded already for I think I was ready when I saw her standing away from the bed naked. But, somehow, we've managed to control it.

Although when Catherine's hands tentatively lay on my bare ass I wonder just how long I can stand not having her inside me.

"Bed," I suggest, smiling as she looks up at me a little dazed. I love that I can bring that out in her but I shouldn't gloat too much because I'm sure I look the same.

"Mmm, good idea Sidle," she says taking my hand.

This movement means I have to move my mouth away from her chest so I make it as fast as possible. I'm practically shoving her to the bed and she laughs.

"Calm down Sara, I'll last," she says.

I climb on top of her kissing her neck and positioning myself so I have one knee close to her centre.

"You might be able to but I won't," I say licking her lips and pulling away before she can kiss me properly.

Our hands begin to pick up the pace and we're touching everywhere we can without pulling a muscle or moving our heads away from this long passionate kiss.

I have to break away from her simply to get a few big breaths in. Wouldn't do me to faint right now. As I lean back my centre comes to rest on her thigh. She gasps when she can feel just how ready I am for this. Her eyes light up and she lifts that thigh up. I don't want to do it like that and I know a few touches to my clit would unleash the floodgates so I move away even further.

"Sara?" She asks, worried that I'm having second thoughts.

I run my fingers up her legs and she squirms. Smiling I continue upwards, running my hands on her inner thighs. She has amazing speed and manages to trap one hand in her thighs.

"Cath, I'll be needing that hand," I say pinching her nipples as I speak. "So if you'd be so kind as to..."

I need not continue because she's just jumped half a mile off the bed as I grab her right nipple in my mouth.

"God Sara," she moans as I do the same to the left. My passion is increasing with every moan, every flinch or quiver of her flesh. I'm attacking her breasts knowing my bite marks are probably stinging her. Yet she pushes my head down so I take it to mean she wants more.

I've never been this sexually aggressive, always thinking about my attack and the loss of control that leaves the other person with. As Catherine runs her nails down my back and I hiss at the contact I discover that it's very different when both people are willing participants. Sure it's about control but its base is pleasuring your partner.

And when Catherine's nails rake over my very hard nipples I know we are both being pleasured tonight.

I'm trying not to lean into Catherine too much for fear of her side. It looked good but I'm no doctor. I don't want to hurt her. She keeps arching herself up to me and I don't know if it's purely desire or if she's really okay.

"Cath, your side?" I ask finally.

She smiles, pushing my head down so hard that our teeth clash before we tangle our tongues together. As I start feeling light headed from this I feel myself being moved and suddenly I'm on my back.

Saying nothing Catherine presses her knee experimentally against my hot core. I think I shouted something but can't be sure, I was starting to see a few spots in my eyes.

"Totally beautiful," she whispers like a mantra as I feel my flesh tingle from her butterfly kisses. My breasts are being ignored and I beg her to touch them. She licks her two index fingers and traces my areoles but that's it. She continues to kiss me all over ignoring my pleas.

"I love you," she growls in my ear before kissing me. I feel two fingers enter my mouth and my tongue reaches out to touch them. Catherine's tongue follows them and soon we're engaged in an interesting duel. She pulls them out and runs them down my chest. I feel strangely aroused as my own saliva leaves a path down my body.

My centre is throbbing so fast I wonder if I'm okay. When Catherine's mouth kisses my pubic hair I'm talking in gibberish I'm so hungry for her attention. A small kiss at my opening makes my eyes open wide and I start to feel apprehensive.

"Sara?" Catherine asks as if awaiting my permission.

This is it here. The decision I'll always remember.

"Yes," I whisper. I have no voice other than that.

A smile so wide and loving crosses Catherine's face and it calms me remarkably. I lay back down taking a deep breath awaiting the moment I may finally be free of the terror that this act consumed me with previously.

"I'll be gentle," she promises coming up to kiss me chastely.

I look up and for some reason can't glance away as her head travels down my body. I think she senses that I need this connection because she shifts her body so she can still see me.

I feel one finger at my opening and I move my hips down to feel more. Catherine smiles and slowly enters me.

"God," I hiss as I feel her finger move in and then out just as slowly.

"I love you," she says as she enters a little harder this time. I smile as she gasps at how wet I am.

"More," I ask.

"Are you sure?"

I grab Catherine's hand at the wrist and push two fingers in as far as they will go. I felt a little jolt of pain but I think it was a phantom pain, a distant memory that refused to go away.

Her fingers are filling me in more ways than one. I feel as if I have been made for her to fit. Not just inside me like she is now but inside my heart also. As her fingers twist inside me I yell her name and hear her laughing as I do it the second time also.

She starts to pick up the pace of her thrusting in time with a non too subtle request from my hips. I think I'm just about to give myself to her in release when she stills those fingers in me. I am about to complain when I feel her tongue flick my clit.

Oh yeah, this is heaven.

Her fingers are still like statutes inside me but her tongue is working wonders with my clit. I'm sweating now and my whole body feels like it's on fire. I miss the eye contact we had but I'm not stupid enough to move her talented tongue away from my clit.

I can feel the tension rising, my body is like a drum beating faster and faster until it's climax.

"Come on baby," she murmurs as her tongue enters to join her fingers. It doesn't stay in there long but she is thrusting again so I don't care. It goes back to my clit and I'm more than happy with that arrangement.

My God, she is remarkable.

"Cath...er....in...e," I get out in a slow motion moan as I set to explode.

"Love you," she says kissing my lips.

I can taste myself on her lips and I reach out to grab more but her head has gone back down.

With one swift grab of my clit my body rattles its orgasm out.



I'm laying with Catherine's body resting against mine but I feel she's a little tense. I know this night has been a while in the making and I think she felt me let go with everything I had but I feel she wants to ask me something.

I grab her hand in mine and turn my very happy and somewhat weak body into hers smiling so wide I'm afraid I won't ever be able to close my mouth again.

"Hey babe," I whisper.

"Hey," she says shyly.

"Thank you."

"For what?" She asks puzzled.

Where do I start?

"For everything," I tell her.

"Was it okay?" She asks nervously.

Was it okay?

"Was I not chanting your name only moments ago? Screaming my release? Was my body not still shaking ever so slightly at the very thought of you inside of me?" I say smiling as she blushes.

"No, I mean I know you liked it but..."

"Did it bring back memories?" I finish for her.

"I guess yeah, I know you were ready but was it too much for you?"

"Oh it was definitely too much but also not enough at the same time," I tease.

Catherine smiles and moves her body into me. I take that as her needing time so I pull her to me as close as I can get her.

"When you were inside me I thought about him for a second but when I saw the love in your eyes and felt it in your actions it was as if he'd been extinguished and in his place where it was once dark was your beautiful face outshining it all." I whisper in her ear.

"It's still in there," she says in reference to my memories.

"Yes, always but you make it easier to get on with the life I want to live. I'm not living on his terms anymore. It's hard to forget, but you may be making it that much easier to live. Live happily, instead of just living day-to-day."


I move away smiling.

"That's it? Okay?" I tease, rubbing my hands down her back.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she says seriously.

"As you said, we all have scars," I say kissing her cheek.

"I'm so in love with you I feel as if I didn't really have it before you." She says shivering as my hands move to her stomach.

"I love you too but no more talking unless it's to scream my name," I growl, pushing Catherine onto her back.

She makes a noise that is pretty funny. Like the cross between a yelp and gasp and I love it. Crawling to lay on top of her I feel the heat in the room rise once more.

Lucky she doesn't have a smoke alarm in here.


"Let me show you," I whisper.

She doesn't answer but I know she wants me to continue. How? Well she pressed her knee up onto my still sensitive centre and grinned at me.

"Love you," I whisper before biting her nipple without preamble.

"Shit," she hisses as I start sucking on her left nipple while running my fingers along that ticklish spot nearby.

My other hand is rubbing her other nipple. They are both so hard but I don't stop playing with them even when she begs me. I want her so dizzy with my actions. I want her to go crazy with pleasure.

"Sara baby you're killing me," she admits and I grin at a successful mission completed. I look up and she traces my face ever so gently.

"God you're sexy when you're flushed," I tell her as I straddle her hips.

I notice that I did indeed leave a few red marks on her flesh from earlier so I lean down to kiss them all. My hair falls onto her body and it tickles her when I move. I love hearing her giggle.

I know I'm supposed to be teasing her so she's so worked up but seeing her like this, hearing her moans and feeling her body move under me is getting me aroused again. Not that it seems to take much when I'm in the presence of this woman.

"Sara," Catherine says in a tone that is close to begging.

"Yes?" I ask grinning as I 'accidentally' flick her nipple.

"I'm about to touch myself," she complains.

"Really?" I ask smiling at the image.

I've moved my body so I'm now kneeling in between her legs and am running my fingers down her body so slowly I can see the frustration in her eyes.

I'm about to reach her pubic hair when I stop. The agreeing moans as I reach that destination stop and I have to smile when she tries to push them back down.

I'm not budging though. Instead I place my hands on the mattress alongside her ribs and push my body up so I'm hovering above her. Her eyes are open but are heavy lidded with desire.

I trace her mouth with my tongue and moan when she grabs my breasts and roughly massages them. It's enough to send my body crashing down onto hers and that sensation of flesh on flesh creates a wonderful friction in all the right places. Soon I'm lost in that and the knowledge that I can still taste me in her mouth.

I almost forget I'm supposed to the one teasing her but as she bites my shoulder that one brain cell not preoccupied with Catherine's hands traveling down towards my pubic area kicks in.

I stop her hands and drag them above her body. The glint in her eye is there as I kiss my way from her wrists to her breasts. I place my knee in between hers and thrust hard into her centre.

"Payback," I whisper as I do it again.

"God," she says in a strangled moan.

Her hips start to swivel in urgency. I grin as I feel just how ready she is with one swipe of her opening.

"More," she demands in a voice that sends tingles through my entire body.

My mouth just seems to want to mark her beautiful skin because they are biting her inner thighs as I start to edge closer to where she wants me. She's so soft everywhere that I feel myself getting wet over imagining what she feels like inside.

I can't wait any longer so I take two fingers and thrust them right in. Catherine's pelvis moves with such speed I almost lose balance inside her.

"Sara!" Catherine yells as I thrust in and out a few times. I'm pretty fast the first few times but I really want to explore her so I slow my pace down even though her hips are trying to speed my up.

The noises coming from Catherine are primal and incredibly sexy. I can't believe this is happening.

I have to have her all and my heart speeds up as I bend down to attend to her clit. At the first touch Catherine's hand shot into my hair. She pressed down so hard that I almost hit her clit with too much force. No, I wanted to prolong this a while longer.

Adding a third finger I increased my pumping and started to pay close attention to Catherine's breathing. I knew she wasn't going to hold on much longer and I wasn't able to deny her. I pressed my tongue flat, tasting her as her juices flowed. I applied more pressure to her clit and she cried out. Liking that sound I did it again only this time I took her clit in my teeth, just grazing it slightly.

This was her undoing and she pulled my hair most probably leaving a bald patch there. Her body seemed to contract and expand back out slowly. I looked up to see her entire body beet red, her freckles standing out proud. As her breathing hitched I kissed her navel and pulled my fingers out of their new home. Her thighs quivered as I did so and I smiled knowing that I was able to bring Catherine to such a powerful release.

Saying nothing I scooped her up in my arms, and pulling the blankets over us. The candles that once lit up the room were slowly dimming but she still looked so lovely laying in my arms with a huge smile on her face.

"I love you," I say softly, smiling when I felt her grab my hand and pull in close to her heart.



I'm brought out of a peaceful sleep by a gentle nibbling around my neck. At first I'm a tad disorientated but when I pull Catherine's head up I can't help but kiss her with the passion of last night still burning inside me.

"Hi. How are you?" she asks shyly.

I'm not sure why she's shy unless she thinks I may have regretted last night.

"You're so beautiful," I whisper, running my hands through her somewhat messy hair.

"You're still sleepy," she says burying her head above my shoulder, her body almost covering mine.

"I'm very much awake," I tell her, running my hands slowly down her back to emphasise my statement.

I'm trailing my hands down and coming back up, brushing her side and breasts when I hear what I could have sworn was a growl deep in her throat. I pull her head up and see her eyes dark with desire.


She answers by thrusting her tongue into my mouth with such force I almost sink into the pillow. All of a sudden we've turned up the tempo, her body is now covering mine and she's straddling my hips. I can feel her hot centre burning as she moves in rhythm with her tongue.

My hands aren't idle, they grab her breasts and start massaging them. I'm suddenly very aroused and my ministrations become more intense, rougher if you will and soon I'm twisting her nipples and enjoying her core grinding into my stomach.

Her mouth lets out a large moan and as I trail my hands down to touch her more intimately she bites my lip. I know it drew blood, I can taste it. Instead of frightening me it spurs me on and I'm suddenly entering her hard and fast.

"Sara!" Catherine gasps as she lifts her body off mine so I can gain better access inside her. Soon she's finding a pace that's comfortable for her and I'm following it intently. I can tell she's ready and I'm not going to deny her.

She's a total sight to see, her body almost bouncing up and down like she's on a horse. Her breasts are moving and I'm drawn to them, my eyes not wanting to leave it like I'm hypnotized or something.

I raise my knees so she can lean back and hold onto them and she smiles when I add a third finger inside her warm channel. She feels so incredibly good I just want to stay in there forever.

"God," she hisses as I grab her breast and pinch her nipple hard. Both are erect but I only play with her left one. I can see this is driving her crazy and I can only smile as she tries to shift her body so I can play with her other one also.

She must get too frustrated because suddenly I see her own hand play with the neglected breast. I gasp at the sight and I know I become a little wetter at this sight. She has such confidence when it comes to her body I'm in awe of that. She has no boundaries, well at least not with me.

I love her so much, God she's wonderful.

Speaking of no boundaries please don't tell me I see her hand pressing on her clit. No, I couldn't take that also. I'll explode without her touch if I see that.

"Cath," I get out in a half whimper as I see her playing with her clit as I thrust inside her. I want to do it for her but she bats my hand away and just stares into my eyes, the sparkle there for me to see.

"You're killing me," I admit and it just makes her smile. At least I get a kiss for my honestly.

Within seconds of that kiss she presses down hard on my fingers, so hard I'm worried she'll hurt herself. Her body goes that lovely shade of red and I know she's nearing her orgasm.

"Sara!" She moans loudly. I love that she's vocal.

I still my hands but make no effort to remove them. To be honest, I love the feeling of her walls contracting and almost sucking my fingers in, as if she wants to keep them.

"You're all wet," she remarks, kissing my neck as she slides down my body. Damn, now I have to remove my fingers. I'm no Inspector Gadget unfortunately.

"Yeh," I say grinning even though I know she's talking about my stomach and I'm most certainly not.

She continues sliding down until she's at my opening. She wastes no time, entering with her tongue, working her magic with that talented muscle. I don't know how she manages to do that so well and I'm not sure I want to ask but dear God I love that she's using it on me.

Her finger finds my nub and she flicks it which makes me jump. She keeps doing it until I'm moving around the bed like I'm possessed. All too soon I'm having an orgasm. I always want it to come but I never like it to be over.

It's a great way to be woken up though, no matter how fast this one was.

"Good morning sexy," Catherine says as she kisses me.

Can I be so bad as to say I love tasting myself in her mouth? I'm sorry but I do.

"Morning babe," I whisper, taking her in my arms.

"How are you?" She asks, a little less nervous this time.

"I've never felt more safe and loved," I tell her, holding on tighter.

"Good, because that's how I feel whenever you are near me."

I won't cry. I won't cry.

"Are you this romantic after sex with all your lovers?" I joke, even though part of me wonders.

Catherine must have sensed it wasn't all a joke because she sits up next to me.

"This," she says sweeping her hand over us and the room. "This is not just sex and no, usually I'm telling the others to shower and get out before Lindsay wakes up."

Okay, so I shouldn't be worried but that's just me. I don't know if I can change that.

"Sara, baby. I would never think of you as someone who I just get a bit of fun out of and discard. We made love. Sorry if that sounds too Danielle Steele but it's the truth. You allowed yourself to surrender your barriers and that's not something I'd abuse."

"I know, sorry. Fears and stuff," I say sitting up also.

"And you have a right to them. Just know that I will forever treasure what we did last night."

"I will too Catherine. Thank you for allowing me to take it so slowly. I'm sure you were dying inside with all that pent up sexual energy," I say grinning.

"Are you implying, Miss Sidle, that I'm horny and wouldn't have been able to wait much longer?" Catherine teases.

"I would never assume something like that Catherine," I say laughing as Catherine hits my arm.

"I would have waited as long as you needed," Catherine says seriously.

"I know." I say nodding.

Her finger comes to rest near my lip and she grimaces when she finds it's bleeding.

"Sorry," she says kissing it.

"No, it's more than okay. I want you to be yourself Cath."

"So, got any plans for today?" Catherine asks, running her fingers up my arm.

"I'm pretty tired, I was thinking about staying in bed," I say stopping her fingers smiling.

"Well okay, I think I'll stay in bed too."

"You sleepy Cath?" I tease.

She smiles widely, licking her way up my torso.

"Let's just say Lindsay won't be here all day," Catherine says, her lips latching onto my pulse point.

I can only moan as she kisses me.

Staying in bed was never so appealing as it is at this very moment.



"It's not funny!" Catherine says adamantly even thought she too is laughing.

"Oh come on Cath, talking to someone for twenty minutes and not realising it wasn't who you thought it was," I say giggling as Catherine tries to stare me down.

"I'm telling you, I thought it was Cher. It looked exactly like her!"

"He looked like her you mean," I say still teasing.

"Trust me, that drag queen was sexier than a lot of women I've seen. Great legs."

We had spent most of the day talking, wrapped in each others arms. I think we were both too tired to continue making love and I was fine with that. I was learning all those little things you love to know about your partner. Things I've never cared to know about people I'd been with before.

"So, when was your first kiss?" Catherine asks me, smiling when I brush hair out of her face.

"I was fifteen and it was merely to see what it was like." I say shrugging.

"Ever the scientist hey?" Catherine jokes.

"I told you before, I was kind of uninterested in all that." I say softly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to tease you."

I smile, kissing her.

"My first real kiss happened with you," I tell her.

"Our first kiss ..." Catherine starts to say but I stop her.

"The first real one, I'll never forgive myself for that time you were in my house," I say moving away from her.

"You weren't terribly likeable when you were drinking but I knew there was a person worth loving in there. I was so mad for a long time after it but I'm no longer angry." Catherine says, pulling me closer.

"Are you sure?" I ask, even though a big part of me wants to change the subject.

"I wouldn't have let you into my home if I didn't." Catherine says seriously.

"Okay," I say nodding.

"Have you thought about joining AA?"

"I don't need to," I say a little too defensively.

"You know your limits better than anyone I suppose but wouldn't you like that support group? To be able to talk to people who have shared the same affliction?"

"I have you. You gave me that strength to detox. Your love gives me the strength to live life. You know what it likes to be addicted and to get past it." I tell her.

"I'm not a qualified counselor though and I may be too close to you to be objective."

"Who knows the torture of our job better than someone living it?" I ask her.

"Yeah, good point." She says smiling.

"I am fine Cath."

"Okay, but please, if you ever have those cravings come to me okay? I want to be someone you can trust without reservation even if you think I'll get mad."

"I came to you in the hospital with that bottle," I point out.

"I know."

"I'm sure I'll have some really bad days," I admit.

"Sometimes I do too although over the years it's subsided. I had Lindsay and I got the job in the Crime Lab. It won't ever go away completely I think but it did seem to be something I could carry in my life without it weighing me down." She tells me.

I don't know what else to say so I just nod and hug her closer to me.

"So, tell me something embarrassing from your life," she says after a while.

"How about everyday of my life?" I say, managing to get a little of the pity out of my voice.

Catherine senses it though.

"Baby, no one is perfect. If you've had things that you wish you could re-do then it just makes you human."


"No apologizing, come on Sidle, dish," she says poking me in the ribs.

"Okay, so I have to try and narrow it down to just one right?" I joke.

"I'm up for more but remember, I could use them against you later," she teases.

"Okay. I've got one."

"Oh you picked one? Toilet paper hanging out of your skirt? Top on backwards? Wet patch on your pants? Tampon string hanging out of your swimming costume?" Catherine says laughing.

"No, no, no, and no. Are you going to let me tell you?" I say tickling that very ticklish spot under her breast.

"Okay!" She says laughing and trying to squirm out of my reach.

"Actually, this is much more fun," I say climbing on top of her to stop her moving.

Suddenly the mood changes and I'm staring into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.


I know what I want to do and I think she feels the same way. Only one way to find out.

I slide down her body slightly so my knee can fit in between hers. I'm not that much taller but I find this position allows our breasts to rub against each other. I move up and down slightly, smiling as her breath is expelled and her eyes closed for a moment.

"You are so soft," I whisper as my hand runs up her stomach. I notice that she trembles under my touch and it excites me. She's so beyond what I would have ever expected for myself sometimes I have to touch her just to make sure she's real. For a woman who could have her pick of anyone I'm stunned she chose me.

"Baby?" Catherine says worriedly, wiping tears I didn't know were falling.

"Why me?" I ask. I know I sound pathetic but I couldn't seem to stop that question coming out.

Catherine sits up, pulling me up with her. When we find a position that's comfortable she takes my hand and places it over her heart.

"No one else can make my heart race so fast just by looking at me," she says solemnly.

Part 70

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