When did I fall in love this deeply and this completely? Was it after the Land of Light, after the little escapade with Hathor, when Cassie came into my life, when Jolinar entered my head, or was it as recent as when I woke to find them watching over me after the Entity had gotten into my brain. I really don't know. The more I think the more I believe it's been forever. All I do know is that the last 48 hours have shown me what I am missing out on. There we were enjoying Cassie's birthday even if she was being a typical teenager with her Mom, when suddenly Cassie became ill. Me, the big brave soldier, was scared to death; scared we were going to lose her. Then Niirti showed up at the SGC, and suddenly I could be a soldier again. But it wasn't me that helped her in the end, it was Mom herself, who stood there eye to eye with that damn Goa'uld, and faced her down while all I could do was try and stop her! What did I mean, "Janet, don't do this"? Of course she had to do this, it was our daughter. Her words and her fear still cut through me, "I can't help her, she can." And it had worked. Cassie was safe, Janet had been reprimanded but forgiven by General Hammond, and later we had all enjoyed a little get together in the Infirmary. I played chess with Cassie, while Janet worked, and watched over us. I'd look up occasionally and see her staring at the two of us, with a secret smile on her face, as if to say that's my family.
This is something totally new to me, to my whole persona; I've always kept myself back from feeling what I so obviously feel now, for fear of what, having those feelings returned. Surely that's not possible. We're in the Air Force. We're both officers for goodness sake. Our being together would be frowned upon by society. We just couldn't do it, could we? What am I thinking, does my love even feel anything for me? Have I the nerve to find out? What about that look, as I sat with Cassie after the whole Niirti problem? I'm going to have to face this realization, and face my fears at the same time. I'm just going to have to admit it, to myself, to Jack, to Daniel, to Teal'c, to General Hammond, but most of all to Janet. Everyone thinks I am in love with Jack. Hell even I thought that, even admitted it in front of my real love. Just how am I going to convince them all? It doesn't matter, I will do it, I will convince everyone, I will let them know the truth. I am in love with my best friend, the Mother of my daughter Cassie. I am in love with Janet.
Continued in Honesty
Return to Stargate Fiction
Return to Main Page