I can't concentrate on these notes. First it was Sam disturbing me, now it's thoughts of Sam. Watching her play chess with Cassie was amazing. I just felt yes, this is my family: my daughter and my ......what? What is Sam to me? Before these last few days I would have said 'Best Friend' but now, what?
She's most definitely Cassie's other parent. I've never seen her so worried. What about poor Dominic, 'You kissed her!' he certainly must feel she's Cassie's Dad.
"What are you giggling at Mom?"
"Oh nothing Cassie, I was just thinking. Look I can't concentrate on these notes, give me a couple of hours, and I'll be back to take you home"
Jeez, even in my own office, I can't concentrate. Think I'll just have a coffee and then go and pick Cassie up. What was I thinking about? Oh yeah, Sam. I'll have to tell her about 'Dad'; it'll sure make her laugh. But if she's Cassie's Dad, what is she to me? Honestly? My everything. Wow, where did that come from? I'm beginning to think I can't live without her and that's very dangerous. When did I start to feel like this?
I've always fancied her, since the moment I drew the curtains back to do my first post-mission check. Was I stunned? At first it was just this lust thing, and then she gave me Cassie. Our friendship grew, and, somewhere along the line, I've fallen in love. Does she feel anything for me? Sometimes I think so, a little glance, or a little touch, then I see Jack's face.
Sometimes I wish we didn't all work together, then I wouldn't know that Sam missed him while he was lost on Edora. I note she didn't miss me when she was lost in her lab. for all those months. Or that Jack has strong feelings for Sam, so that he couldn't leave her behind on that Goa'uld ship. Or that, Goddamn it, Sam reciprocates these feelings. Damn that woman Anise for helping to point this out with her wonderful little device.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to save Sam as much as I do, each time she lays on my hospital bed I die a little inside. I nearly let it slip how I feel about her when she came to after that entity had been in her brain, but there was Jack again stealing my time. The time I needed to tell her I nearly killed her because of my love for her, oh yeah, that's a good one!
Stealing my time, what time do I have with Sam? The only time I get seems to always involve someone else. I love having her around my house, but Cassie so monopolizes her time I usually end up feeling left out. When was the last time we had a night out, just the two of us? Yeah, just before she fell for that 'pretty boy' alien! Woah Janet, you sound so jealous. Well maybe I am jealous. Be honest Janet there's no maybe about it.
I want Sam, no, I need Sam. I wouldn't have got through these last few days without her quiet reassurance. Even when she tried to stop me pointing that gun at Niirti's head, I know it was only to save my skin. If it had been necessary she wouldn't have stopped me. Then, when the General told Jack to take Niirti away, she just held me until the shaking stopped. As I prepared Cassie, I just knew, at that exact moment, that Sam was the ONE for me. The one I want to spend my life with.
Wow that's some thought! I can't lose her through my own cowardice, so I must find a way to tell her how I feel. I don't know how, but I must. Ok, now you've come up with that no-brainer let's go pick Cassie up and go home. I think I need to sleep, before I drown in my own stupid thoughts!
'Ping' What was that? An email. I hope it's not work, I really want to go home. I suppose I ought to check it before disappearing. Well, speak of the devil, Sam. What's she got to say? "J, We need to talk, S" What about now? It sounds pretty ominous; who's upset her this time? Maybe Cassie and I could pop around and invite her over to dinner. Cassie would like that, and so would I.
Continued in Observations
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