DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

The Little Problem
By racethewind10


FBI agent Emily Prentiss, newly indoctrinated into the Femslash Characters Advocacy Group, was very confused. As if it hadn't been bad enough the first time - being introduced to the multitude of other femslash characters and told there were rules to this whole femslash thing – this time it appeared that all the male characters from all the shows were here as well. Despite the fact that most of the occupants of the room were sitting, the level of noise and general chaos was more than a little disconcerting for the dark haired profiler.

"Who's that again?" Emily whispered to Ash from where they sat in one of the back rows.

"That's Gabrielle, remember, she is the blonde."

Emily turned to look at JJ and held out her hand, smiling as she replied. "Oh, I don't know about that." JJ's smile in return was fond before the two returned their attention to the front of the room.

"She looks a bit…annoyed," the FBI press liaison observed.

"Oh, that's probably due to the presence of Ares, as well as the several other main male characters that she and Xena were paired with in fanfiction and on the show. See even though they're considered the first couple of femslash, there did exist a great deal of fiction, or fic, that portrayed them as heterosexuals and…."

"Thank you Reid," Emily and JJ stated in unison, arctic blue and mahogany brown eyes reflecting the exact same fond annoyance. Unperturbed, Spencer just shrugged and returned his attention forward, scanning the diverse and unusual crowd.

And diverse it was. Reid was not alone in his perusal of the full room. Emily could see cops, CSI's, more cops, a couple of military uniforms, a few obvious civilians, and lots of sharply dressed women that could only be the ADA and other lawyer contingent. Well, except for the first row, which appeared to hold only Xena and a great deal of men Emily couldn't even begin to recognize. Since Gabrielle seemed rather pre-occupied by something up on the podium and there was no sign of the meeting being called to order, Emily continued to look around. This was the second official Femslash Advocacy Group meeting she and JJ had been invited too, and she was still trying to sort out and remember all the pairings and players. Some were easy, others she still couldn't identify.

Giving up trying to figure out who was next to Xena, the profiler moved on to the rest of the room. The women in attendance mostly consisted of the classic blonde and brunette pairings, but here and there a red head stood out. In the second row, Emily could see one in particular, flashing glimpses of her classic cheekbones and flawless skin when she turned to whisper something to her brunette partner or when she was glaring at the very tall man with the rather hangdog expression sitting on the other side of her.

"Ah come on Scully," she caught during a brief lull in the din. Ah, so that's Scully and Reyes, which makes the guys Mulder and Doggett if I remember right. Too bad they're not still at the Bureau. Things would be a lot more interesting the profiler mused with disappointment.

On the other side of Reyes, Doggett sat in animated conversation with the muscled man next to him. Continuing down the row, Emily identified Olivia and Alex. Ah, so that must be Eliot. Sheesh, fanfic about partners? Eliot seemed to be quite happy to talk to Doggett. They seemed to be comparing tattoos. Guys. Go figure.

Beyond Alex and Liv, the thin grey haired man that could only be Munch sat staring longingly at Fin, who was trying (and failing) to chat up the elegant brunette that could only be Abbie Carmichael. He was failing, because Abbie kept turning and staring over her shoulder to where a woman with remarkably similar features sat smugly with her jean clad legs spread wide and her arms around a short haired ice blonde and an energetic red head. Emily recognized the trio as the other newcomers who had been introduced to the group at the same time as she and JJ. The blonde - Jill, she mentally corrected - seemed content to survey the room with a slight smirk while Cindy kept leaning in close to whisper excitedly to Lindsay or blatantly stroke her San Francisco PD badge where it glimmered on a slim hip.

Abbie looked a little freaked out. Emily didn't blame her. Thank god no one else looks exactly like me! The ADA didn't have time to get too upset however, as her blonde partner proceeded to effectively distract her with what appeared to be a fairly talented tongue. Fin looked jealous and disappointed. Munch looked ecstatic.

A sudden, localized increase in the noise level drew Emily's attention to the next row back where a bronze skinned beauty was trying to use a shorter blonde with flashing jade eyes as a shield against at least three different guys. When the closest – a GQ badboy wanna be with a scar on his lip - pasted on a sickening smile and moved in toward the blonde, a Lady Smith .45 appeared in her hand quicker than Emily could blink. Ah. That would be Calleigh 'bullet girl' Duquesne, with CSI Boa Vista…damn, our lab techs never look that hot, The standoff looked like it might get ugly until an older red headed man dressed in monochromatic black and taking his shades on and off obsessively said something to the handsome Cuban man and his shorter, boyish companion. Looks were exchanged and then the two younger men got up and left without a backward glance.

And there goes at least one of the slash pairings.. Whew, glad that's over. The last remaining guy was still staring down the barrel of Calleigh's gun, but no one seemed concerned and Natalia had stopped trying to hide and was now apparently feeling much more affectionate. This left the redhead to shake his head and turn to scan the room. Emily noticed the moment his eyes settled on another distinguished gentleman with silver hair, sitting a few rows back. It appeared the interest was mutual, which drew affectionate snickers from his seatmates; a Goth in a lab coat and 'her' brunette who had a thick mane of dark curly hair, sparkling dark eyes and an itchy gun hand. The two were watching the show and having no trouble ignoring their other companions. These consisted of another all American type who was literally drooling over all the women in the room, and a stereotype geek who kept glancing longingly at the Goth girl. Emily shook her head. Man, what will the writers think up next?

Just past them, another auburn haired woman with an air of absolute authority about her sat ramrod straight beside a blonde with a body like Barbie and an expression like a curious glacier. Next to her, a slim, mocha skinned brunette with funny ridges on her forehead sat glowering at anyone foolish enough to eye either the blonde, or the redhead. That meant that most of her ire seemed to be directed at a motley crew of men in matching black jumpsuits and strange symbols on their chests. One in particular, a dark skinned man with a tattoo over his eye, couldn't seem to make up his mind on who he wanted; the blonde or the redhead.

"Kathryn, this isn't fair and you know it," Emily heard him say. He was promptly the recipient of one stormy grey, one icy blue, and one nearly black stare. And that's why they call her the Captain, I guess, the Agent noted, extremely glad she didn't belong to one of the science fiction fandoms. No, 'the alien pollen made us do it' stories for us, thank goodness.

As fascinating as her observations were however, they weren't helping Prentiss with the overall picture. "Ok, so let me get this straight, er, correct," the profiler whispered to Ash as she squeezed JJ's hand absently. "We're here with all these guys…because?"

"Because Gabrielle thought we needed to address the het phenomenon."

"Hey, what's wrong with it?" a boyishly handsome young man with messy hair and a vest that said 'Sanders CSI' on it turned around from where he had been blatantly eyeing the pale brunette with the sexy smile Emily remembered as 'Sara' from one of lab tech shows.

Before Ash could spit out the obviously rather pointed reply that seemed to be on the tip of her tongue, the elegant, pale blonde with a river of straight platinum hair and her arm around Sara and another blonde shot 'Sanders CSI' an amused look.

"We've talked about this Greg, there's nothing wrong with it, but this is the femslash community. We, as the few characters on tv whose personalities exhibit certain lesbian characteristics, have a duty to remain faithful to the writers and readers who bring out and develop those characteristics. And since some writers seem to insist on confusing the issue with het stories, Gabrielle decided to call a meeting to set the pairings straight, er correct," she explained in a velvety voice that reminded Emily of whisky and smoke and dark silk sheet silks. By the expression on Greg's face, she wasn't the only one so affected.

"You wanna put that in English Curtis?" the handsome African American man sitting next to Greg spoke up.

He was answered however, by the sharply attractive blonde on the other side of Sofia. "We're gay, Warrick, so no more of this UST between us. It's getting in the way of my time with my girls." Catherine, Emily's memory supplied as the older woman shot her a wicked wink and then pulled Sofia gently around for a searing kiss that left Greg with his jaw somewhere in the vicinity of the floor and Warrick just shrugging.

"Fine by me," he said, apparently unconcerned as he went back to what Emily believed the correct term for was 'eyeshagging' the chisel-jawed guy next to him whose vest read 'Stokes CSI.'

"Speaking of girls, Cath, where is Wendy?" Sara asked bemusedly.

The older woman broke off with Sofia long enough to lean over and place a quick kiss on Sara's lips. "Still off with that hot little Miami lab tech, whatsername, Sam, I think."

Whatever Sara's reply was, it was thankfully drowned out by the sound of the gavel and Gabrielle's voice.

Bang, Bang. "This meeting will come to order now, please. That means you Ares….Ares! Damnit!"

Emily looked to the front of the room where a devilishly handsome man with a riot of curly hair was receiving a death glare from Gabrielle and an elbow to the ribs from Xena. When this didn't seem to produce the desired results fast enough, the sound of a dozen holsters unsnapping did. Apparently getting the message, Ares resigned himself to sulking prettily. After that, the noise level died down with only a little help in the form of an icy stare or two from Xena.

"Right, well, as you all should know from the memo I sent out, we are here today to discuss the het situation. Horatio, would you and Gibbs knock it off already," Gabrielle sighed as all eyes turned to see matching blankly innocent expressions on the CSI and NCIS leader's faces. Wait a minute, they weren't sitting next to each other 30 seconds ago… how? Emily gave up though when the Goth girl glanced her way and just shook her head, the expression on her face clearly saying 'don't ask'.

"Jackson, that goes for you and O'Niell too!" This time it was two men in Air Force uniforms who looked distinctly unrepetant.

"Hey! Not our problem all those bloody writers have nothing but smut on their brains," the older Colonel muttered, doing an amazing impression of a petulant child.

"Anyway, as I was saying,, Gabrielle interrupted, "There still seems to be some confusion within the fandoms about het versus slash and the true orientation of all of your characters. I say 'your' because, as we all know, my relationship with Xena was canon." This smug statement was met with a great deal of muttering and eye rolling. Apparently unperturbed however, Gabrielle continued. "Calleigh, you in particular are not helping, you get paired with everyone."

"Well pardon me, Gabrielle, if some of us have more straight fans than others. It happens when you have the most watched drama on television."

As the temperature in the room dropped at least 5 degrees, Emily leaned over to Ash, whose palm was now firmly planted on her forehead. "I thought you said it was Alex who usually got into this with Gabrielle."

"It is, but Gabrielle just hit Cal's one sensitive spot. She doesn't have a very big femslash following and it stings a little. This isn't going to be pretty."

"Why not?"

"Because Olivia won't interfere unless it's Alex, and Natalia isn't butch enough to stop Cal from trying to kick Gabrielle's ass. Not to mention that Cal is one of the few who can really give Gabs a run for her money. And I wanted to go home early tonight," she whimpered with a pathetic look to Scribbs.

"And what about us, don't we get a say in all this? Some of us were canon you know," one of the men with Kathryn called out angrily, followed by yells of agreement from some of the CSI's. "Indeed, it is illogical to attempt to exclude all heterosexual pairings from the fandoms," his pointy eared companion added.

"I have found that logic rarely rules when it comes to matters of the heart, or fandom," came the reply from the massive black alien with a strange golden symbol on his forehead seated next to a blonde and a short brunette in Air Force uniforms.

Unfortunately, that was the last coherent thing Emily heard, because his remarks set off what the profiler was quickly coming to realize was an obligatory uproar at the meeting.

All around her, there seemed to be a lot of blondes yelling and gesturing and a lot of brunettes either joining in, or sitting with their heads in their hands.

One or two however, seemed to have another idea. Emily watched as Scully, Reyes, Kathryn, Seven and B'Elanna all snuck out one of the doors. The blonde in the Air Force outfit appeared to be dragging her rather feisty brunette out another; Lindsay and Cindy seemed to decide the bench they were sitting on worked just fine and Horatio and Gibbs were….er, moving on. That's gonna cause problems in fandom.

Emily looked over at JJ and found the answer to her question already showing clearly in warm blue eyes. Hand in hand, they clamored over chairs and benches dashed out the back.

As the door shut behind them, Emily leaned up against the wall and took a deep breath.

"Dear God, do we have to go back?" she asked plaintively.

Instead of a response however, JJ stepped close, pressing the line of her body against Emily, who opened her eyes and smiled at the hunger she saw blooming in blue irises.

"Well, we should, but I'm sure we can find a way to make it up to the fandom community," the press liaison murmured huskily.

"You think so?" whispered Emily, sliding her hand into silken blonde hair.

A loud thud from the other side of the doors was the only answer and any reply JJ might have made was lost as their mouths met. Lips parted and tongues slid gently along each other as hands roamed and hearts sped up.

"I mean really, who needs one more meeting to go to," Emily managed before JJ slipped her hand under her top and there was no more coherent conversation from them either.

The End

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