DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

A Friendly Little Warning
By ralst


The door to the conference room was barred by a nervous looking blonde and her stern brunette counterpart. Ash and Scribbs had been chosen - the brunette insisted that the coin toss had been rigged - to warn the new recruits about exactly what they were about to encounter. The Femslash Advocacy Group was not for the faint of heart and it was essential that the five newcomers were made aware of that.

"There's these blondes," Scribbs began, "they kind of run things."

"They have no real authority," Ash interrupted.

"But we let them chair the meetings to keep 'em quiet." Ash and Scribbs shared a look. "Well, not quiet exactly, but that way they only tend to attack each other and Xena and Olivia are pretty good at separating them once the novelty's worn off." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Just don't get in between them when they start frothing at the mouth."

"Also," stated Ash, "do not under any circumstances advocate the pairing of like haired individuals of the female persuasion." She noted the blank looks. "Blondes belong with brunettes and vice versa."

"Hey!" Cindy piped up her auburn locks bouncing in indignation.

"Redheads get their pick of blondes or brunettes," Scribbs assured her.

Cindy looked from Lindsay to Jill. "That sounds reasonable to me," she shrugged, her dimples deepening as she was met with twin looks of indulgence. "Anything else?"

"OTPs." Ash and Scribbs said in unison.

"OTPs?" Emily looked to JJ, the press liaison's brow furrowed as she internally critiqued the other women's presentation skills.

"One True Pairing," Ash explained.

"Who gets to shag who," Scribbs translated.

"You mean there are laws governing our sexual liberation?" Jill asked in her best courtroom voice.

"Oh God," Scribbs whined, "another lawyer."

"Hey!" Jill's squeak of indignation brought a smirk from Lindsay and a chuckle from the other newcomers. "I was just asking a question."

"There was a movement, several months ago, to limit our involvement -"


"- to predetermined couples."

"I'd have to choose?" Lindsay looked appalled. "But I like variety."

"She does," Jill and Cindy agreed.

"Nah, you're all right, the motion was dismissed, but Alex has been trying for weeks now to get it back on the agenda."


"One of the blondes we warned you about earlier." Ash looked at Jill. "She's one of a handful of American lawyers we seem to be plagued... gifted with."

"Luckily, ever since she had that dirty weekend with Sofia, Catherine's fallen off the OTP wagon."

"Catherine? Is she the other blonde?" Emily's confusion was mirrored by the women around her.

"No. I mean, yes, she's a blonde, but she's not one of the blondes we warned you about." Ash knew she should have insisted on a power point presentation and not relied on Scribbs' ability for confusion and vague hand gestures. "That would be Gabrielle, a Greek woman with a suspiciously American accent, who has a tendency to dress in revealing clothing and talk the hind legs off a donkey."

"A kindred spirit," Jill whispered to Cindy.

"So, is that it? Two warring blondes, a hair colour code and an OTP rule that doesn't exist?" JJ wondered what all the fuss was about. "That doesn't sound too scary." She shared a look with Emily. "We do chase serial killer for a living."

"Oh, me too." Lindsay grinned. "Well, just the one, but he's tricky."

"Really? Maybe we could brainstorm?" Emily suggested.

"Oi! Enough of that." Scribbs looked disgusted. "This is the Femslash Advocacy Group not Thrillers, Thrillers, Thrillers."

"They're next door."

"We got thrown out," Scribbs admitted. "Apparently we weren't hard nosed enough for 'em."

Cindy couldn't stand it a moment longer. "Can we go in or not?"

Ash and Scribbs shared a silent moment of consideration. "Okay," said Scribbs, "but don't say we didn't warn you."

Lindsay rolled her eyes, the movement mirrored by JJ, before the newcomers turned as one and approached the door.

As the door opened a round flying object whizzed past all their heads and imbedded itself in the wall opposite. Five pairs of eyes widened in terror before taking a collected step back.

"You're in luck," said Ash a smile blossoming, "it looks like a quiet night."

The End

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