DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters; all rights go to
those who do. I am just using them
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
SERIES: Third in the Unrequited Love Series, following I'm Not Sure How it Happened and Nothing
What Was I Thinking?
What was I thinking? Ladies and Gentleman Catherine Willows! Not only does she know how to go from friend to lover in less then 8 hours, she also posses the talent to knowingly fuck up the potentially greatest relationship of her life. And what for you ask? All because she was scared, but let's not stop there! Oh no, keep going you screw up. Let's not forget that the person she willing screwed and ditched by the side of the curb was not only a co-worker, but a female co-worker. Someone she had just started to become acquainted with. Which reminds me, isn't that what I wanted all this time? Life does truly suck and so do I.
I mean, how could I do that to her? She trusted me with her feelings and what do I do, I hop into bed with her the first chance I get. I took full advantage of her, and for what, a quick fix. If Grissom finds out about this, not only will he take the liberty of re- assigning one of our asses to the day shift, but he'll never let us live down the disappointment. Lee Harvey Oswald just shoot me now!
How do I manage to get my self into these things? Well, let me think. First, I start off by having drinks with a beautiful woman that I am overly attracted. Then I take the opportunity to escort her back to her place, only to make up some lame excuse about wanting to make sure she gets inside okay. And of course I play the role of mother Catherine and tuck her into bed. I had good intentions to leave after that but she had other plans. It was then, she decided she was lonely and mistakenly pulled me into bed, completely unaware of my true feelings. I also seem to remember waking up with her lips on my forehead, and folks we haven't even begun to scratch the surface. Let's not forget an evening of what, I do believe was the best sex I have ever had in my entire life, and just when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse; I leave. Yes, that's right I left her just peacefully sleeping, not a clue as to how I was about ready to rip out her heart. I didn't even leave a goodbye message. I just treated her like a piece of trash.
I was sincerely thinking about not going to work tonight, but I didn't want anyone's suspicions to run away from them. Shit, half of the building had seen us leave together and if one of us failed to show up tonight, you can bet your paycheck one of us would be required to undergo intense interrogation. So I went about my normal activities, not giving it one second thought. That was, until I saw her.
Granted I had expected it to be difficult, but not to the point I lose my entire composure. She looked so hot in that outfit and her mouth was all that was on my mind. Come to think of it, I never got to return the favor last. Instead, she did all the work, giving me the best orgasm I could ever have hoped for. Oh, God I wish I had never left.
Okay focus Cath. You can do this. Just walk up to her and say something. Too late!
Just when I thought I could rescue myself, here comes Grissom. He looked particularly happy to see Sara this morning; and that was when I noticed something. He has never once smiled at her like that before. Why is he touching her? He is telling her something, and while he does it he is reaching for her hand. Oh, hell no that is my job! You had better back off bud! Can we say so not interested! Sara is way to smooth to fall for that.
She's laughing? Why is she laughing? Well obviously, he said something amusing, but... is she flirting? Nah, can't be. She doesn't like Grissom. I mean I have heard the rumors, but I know they aren't true. I know that Sara and I weren't that close but I would know. She would tell me. Wouldn't she? She wouldn't just sleep with me to take her mind off of Grissom... would she?
"Hey Cath, whatcha doing?"
"Warwick! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph don't ever sneak up on me like that again! You got it!"
"Okay, okay! What crawled up your ass? Give a man a break."
Warwick couldn't help but notice Catherine was completely ignoring him. He could plainly see her attention was diverted else where. And that's when he saw Grissom and Sara. Oh, and surprise, surprise they were flirting. But why did Catherine care?
"Hey, Catherine are you okay?"
"Hum, oh... yeah fine, I'm just fine. No problem here. Why do you ask?"
"Maybe because you're hiding in the hallway and spying on Grissom and Sara. That could have something to do with it. Yeah, pretty sure that's it. But hey if I'm wrong..."
"Who said I was spying on Sara and Grissom. I was not spying on them. I could care less about Sara and Grissom. I could care less about the fools they are making of themselves in public. And by the way I am not hiding. I just happen to be resting here. Yeah, I was just resting."
"No definitely not a problem here. None at all! Look I have to go. Ballistics have my results back on the Murphy case. So I'll be seeing you."
"I wasn't spying! I wasn't spying."
"Whatever you say Cath."
Oh who was I kidding? I was so spying and worse of all, I was jealous and someone had noticed it. I watched Warwick as he headed towards ballistics. The smirk on his face sent my blood pressure through the roof. I had been here less then five minutes and already someone managed to see me become uptight. God Cath, you really need help.
The rest of my day went as usual. Briefing on the latest case, collecting evidence with Nicky, analyzing all the leads with Greg and Warwick, and finally putting the puzzle together. I was lucky because in this whole time I managed to avoid Sara. She was working with Grissom on a stabbing case involving a teenage boy. I walked by ballistics a couple of times, hoping to catch a glimpse of Sara, and every time I came up short. No Sara! Where the hell was she? God I hope she wasn't with him. I think Grissom and I are going to have to have a little chat about appropriate office behavior.
I felt a re-occurring headache coming over me, so I decided it was private time. My office began to beckon me and just when I thought I was home free, SMACK!
"Jesus Christ, I'm sorry! I didn't see you..."
I lifted myself off of the ground and scurried to my feet. I raised my head to get a clear look at the person I had just collided with, and that's when I almost fainted. It was Sara. I about flipped a gasket. My stomach cringed and turned with a mixture of emotions. Everything from bliss to sure terror filled my body. And from the looks of it she wasn't any more stable
"No it's completely my fault I should watch where I am going. I ..."
It took her a good minute to collect the contents of her file folder off the ground. She hadn't yet realized who she had just knocked to floor, but believe you me she wasn't that happy when she finally looked up. I could swear in the whole three years I've known Sara, not once has her eyes ever gotten so wide. If I didn't know better I would say that her heart stopped beating the moment I almost fainted.
She began nervously fiddling with the papers. She shuffled and resettled them into the folder, and when she realized there was nothing more she could with them she just stared at me. The stare was nothing short of cold and blank. Her hatred for what I had done early was beginning to shine through the cracks of her eyes. I knew words were going to surface any minute now and before I had a chance to think twice about it, I pulled her into my office and locked the door behind us.
My first natural reaction was to throw her up against the wall and start repaying her for last night extra curricular adult activities. But I had guessed that wasn't quite what we needed right now.
My heart started to pound as I released her arm from my grasp. She seemed to miss my touch immediately and a look of disappointment and confusion invaded her face. She knew what I was doing, trying to avoid a spectacle. Wouldn't that just be a wonderful, letting the entire building witness a fight between two of the highest ranked CSIs. And let me tell you, I am almost certain that the particular fighting subject matter would be even more interesting. But call me old fashioned, seeing as how I would much rather have my verbal conflicts in private. Sorry to disappoint anyone.
But that wasn't the real reason I pulled her into the office, I truly wanted to pour my heart out to her in hopes that she would forgive me. I needed to tell my side of the story, to make her understand how not so easy this was for me. I have way more to loose than she does. I know that's not fair, but life's not fair! I have a child to think about and support, and I can't exactly do that without a job. But I also had another person's emotions to think about. And let's not forget that this other person is someone that I have developed feelings for. Yes, I said feelings. I care for her. I may even be in love with her. I use to believe that she was a huge thorn in my ass, but that started to change over the last year. It took me a while to slowly warm up to her, but it was happening. In fact, I think it has pretty much already happened.
I noticed something the other night when we were having sex. I actually felt comfortable. For the first time in my life I felt like I was meant to be with this person. She brought out feelings in me that I didn't even know I had. I wanted to be closer and closer to her. Wait, don't they call that love. I think I am in love with her! Yes, I am positive; I am in love with Sara! It feels great not to have that all pined up inside anymore. Now how do I explain that to her?
I think maybe now would be the best time to bring it up, because you see she is trying to break down my door.
"Sara, wait! Stop, please can we talk? Just hear me out. We really need to talk."
"I never want to hear or see you again. I don't want you to even attempt to speak to me again. If you see me in the halls just act like I'm not there. I hate you, I hate you Catherine Willows. How could you, of all people do that to me? After, I just got done pouring my heart out to you; you go and do that to me. Call me crazy to expect more from you, you of all people. I thought that with a woman it would be different, but you're just like Hank. All you wanted was to fuck me over. Now unlock this god damn door and get the hell out of my way."
She was crying now. Tears were dripping down her soft cheeks and she was enraged. I had never heard her cuss like that before. She was always so calm. Never once has she ever lost her temper with me. I didn't know what else to do. She had almost pulled the lock off the door so I just did what I was feeling. I grabbed her by the arm, swung her around, and kissed her.
I don't really think that she expected me to do that nor did I expect her to deepen our kiss. There went her file folder again, hitting the floor and spilling all over. Her arms fell around me waist and I swore that I would never let her go again. I may have been stupid once, but it wasn't going to happen again. Over my dead body!
I don't know how long we stayed like this, just kissing and enjoying the feeling of each other's bodies so close. It seemed like forever but I know it was only minutes. I needed her. I want to be with her! I need to feel her from the inside. I have to show her that I am never going anywhere.
Suddenly, I feel something hard smash into my back. I remembered that this was my office and where there was an office there was a desk! What came over me next I'll never know.
What was I thinking? Oh, wait I know... I was thinking that she deserves to see what she does to me and how she makes me feel. So hold on Sara because it's your turn!
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