Janet Fraiser was driving home from a long, exhausting day at work. She was tired and desperate to spend some time with Sam, the love of her life. Her mind wandered as she drove:
I feel as if I haven't seen Sam in days. When did I last see her? Oh yeah, that's right, at breakfast this morning when I got the shock of my life. A dozen red roses from my big courageous soldier. I bet she hated walking through the streets with those in her arms. And what did I get her? A teddy bear. Oh God, why did I do that? Because you wanted to give her something to take on missions with her? As if she would be able to explain taking a twelve-inch blue teddy bear on a mission. O'Neill would have a field day with that one! I can just hear him "Whatcha doing Carter? Is that your new bodyguard?" Well, as they say, it's the thought that counts.
I must have been doing something right though; she did give me that smoldering look with those incredible blue eyes earlier when I stopped by her lab. "See ya tonight Janet." God! I get tingly warm pulses through me just remembering the way she looked when said those 4 little words!
I can't believe that just a couple months ago I thought I would be alone today. I should have given Sam a little more space and trust. We both took a huge risk admitting what we felt for each other. In those first few months of developing a new relationship, thing seems so absolutely perfect! Then for Sam's insecurities and fear of commitment to come up so strongly and for her to just disappear, was so heart breaking. The first night when we made love felt like coming home. What had I been searching for all my life? The missing piece of me - my other half - my split-apart - my soulmate. She made me feel whole again. That's what Sam was, the missing piece inside me! And she just upped and ran away. I know why now, but at the time it was shear agony. I needed her, we needed her, and she wasn't there. She was off saving the world, or that's what I was supposed to feel. I didn't, I felt betrayed, I felt neglected. And suddenly there was Daniel. A good friend when I was in need.
And then we lost him too.
May 5th 2002
God- someone is at the door! Maybe if I ignore it they will go away. All I want to do is be alone to drink myself into oblivion, and forget. These last few days have been pure hell! Daniel is dead and I could do nothing to help him. I was powerless to save him! And Sam. Seeing Sam fall apart was nearly the death of me. And while she has Jacob to help put her back together tonight, I have no one. Cassie went over to Dominic's, they need time too grieve together. Daniel had been a big part of their lives these last few weeks. And they miss Sam as much as I do. Shit, what went wrong Sam? I love you so much. Why did you run out on me? Damn it! They aren't going away! I guess I'd better go check who that it is. Oh God! It's Sam. I really can't handle any deep discussions right now - I'm just too raw with hurting over everything that has happened.
I open the door slowly and look into her tear-stained face.
"Sam? What are you doing here?"
"Hey Janet. What do you mean what am I doing here? I have just lost someone who I thought of as a brother and you ask that? Janet, I need to be with my best friend tonight."
No Sam, I can't take it tonight. I'm going to lose it - I know I am... and she's crying. God - I can't take this! Turning, I go back into the living room, pick up my drink and flop back down on the couch. I hear her follow me in.
"I need you, Janet."
"You need me. YOU NEED ME? That's a good one Sam. And what about all this time that you've been gone? I hurt to Sam. God I hurt more than you know! What about when I needed you? Where were you Sam? Where in the hell did you go?"
I hear myself almost shouting. I need to calm down. Look at Sam's face. She looks like I threw ice water in her face. I've hurt her. I can't stop myself - I can't calm down, damn it. I missed her. I needed her!
"You disappear off- world. You stop coming around to visit. You sit in that damn lab of yours. Sam, you start to spend more time with Jack. You don't come around to even see Cassie. We never go out together. We don't talk. We don't..."
Urgh! I can't deal with this... I'm just upset. I should try and calm down. I know she lost a lot here to with Daniel. I can't. I get up, refill my glass and stand in front of the fireplace. I'm so cold. Maybe I should make a fire. I realize Sam is saying something. I turn around...
I hear her say, "It's my job."
Oh sugar, I knew she would say something like that. She is going to hide behind that old argument.
"I can't help being off-world so much. I can't be here all the time, Janet, no matter..."
"Daniel could. He was able to find the time."
Oh no, what did I just say? Did I say that out loud? Did she hear me? I turn around. I guess she did. The look of hurt and confusion in her eyes.
"What do you mean Janet? What did you say?"
I can't stop what I'm saying... all the pent up anger, frustration and hurt that I've been feeling since she left... I can feel the walls of the dam breaking...
"Daniel found the time to be here and, and I as remember it, he's a member of SG-1. Was- was a member of SG-1."
My voice breaks - I sob uncontrollably. I can't stand for her to see me like this. I feel like she should know how I feel. I turn back to the cold fireplace.
"Sam, I've lost Daniel too. I've lost a lot in the last couple months."
My voice trails off and I take another drink. The liquor burns as it goes down my throat. I can feel it starting to numb the raw edges. Quiet. I slowly turn around and look at her. She's so pale. She obviously had no idea that Daniel and I had gotten close. No idea at all. Dear Daniel, dear sweet Daniel - a true friend. What will we all do without him? I realize she's speaking again.
"I didn't know you and Daniel had got so close..."
"No Sam, you didn't realize a lot. You didn't realize anything, did you? When you disappeared from my life after... becoming such a big part of it, becoming such a big part of me! For awhile I was lost. I needed someone to talk to, Daniel was there, and he had offered so much!"
"Janet - I'm glad Daniel could be there for you - I know I hurt you... I just needed some time...."
"Be there for me?"
Another strong pull on my whiskey.
"Sam - Daniel did a lot more for me than just be there for me..."
"Janet- what are you saying?"
I just look at her... A part of me wants to just go to her and lose myself in her arms. Gods I hurt so much! I still love her so much... but she hurt me so bad! I just want to strike out at her! Make her see how she hurt me... I see confusion play across her face slowly turning into questioning...
"You mean you... you and Daniel.... " she stammers, the proverbial light going off in her head.
"Yes Sam... me and Daniel. Daniel and I. He was there when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I was falling apart. It started out as nothing..."
She's jealous, I can see it in her eyes. Look how she's looking at me, aghast. She doesn't quite believe it.
"... but things developed from there."
"What do you mean? Developed from there...? What the hell do you mean? Just how close were you?"
She's angry. I didn't think it possible, but she looks even more hurt than before. We really ought to stop this. This isn't the time to get into this. Neither one of us in any shape to talk about it. Looking at my empty glass, I realize I've had just enough to lose any inhibitions and the ability to control my anger any more if much more is said. I need her to know what I feel. How much I've missed her. How much I need her. God, how much I love her.
"Daniel was great Sam. He was there when we needed someone in our lives. He helped both me and Cassie forget. Forget the hurt that we felt when you left us. When you were too busy to spend time with your family."
Ow- that cut to the bone! But it's true. We needed her and she wasn't here. Daniel was. What did she just say? I almost missed it. She thought I knew she was scared - she just needed a little time! She thought we were a couple. She's angry. Step back Janet, get out of here. This isn't the time for this. Things are getting out of control....
"Sam - how was I to know? You didn't talk to me... God- you wouldn't even look at me! You avoided all contact at work; you didn't return my calls... Scared? You were scared? Did you ever stop to consider you weren't the only one? Did you stop to think how scared I was? You aren't the only one who had a lot to lose!"
"JUST HOW CLOSE WERE YOU JANET? DID YOU AND HE... DID YOU... you know?"
"Sam- that isn't the point here..."
"Isn't it? We were talking about you and Daniel..."
"Sam, that has nothing to do with you."
"Of course it has something to do with me."
"Sam- we've both lost a lot here... and I don't think that this is..."
"JUST ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION!"
What do I say? We were friends. I needed someone. Daniel was there. I love Sam so much. Almost too much. She's so angry and hurt. What do I say?
"What do you want to know Sam? Are you asking we made love? The answer is no. If you are asking if we had sex? God Sam, you weren't here. You ran out on me! You didn't talk to me! I didn't know what had happened. You were there one minute gone the next! I was hurting and Daniel saw that. He was there for me."
Why in the hell did I say that? I could never have slept with Daniel, he was a friend, Sam is my lover. I just want to hurt her now. Want her to know the hurt I've felt. I just want to strike out at her.
"Why Janet, why? I thought we meant more to each other."
That's it. She's stopped fighting. I've hurt her more than I should have.
"So did I Sam, so did I, but you stopped coming around. You were never here. You avoided me on base. I was lonely. What was I supposed to think? That you still cared? I thought you didn't. I thought we had had our fun, and it hadn't worked"
God, I can't stay angry with her. She looks so frail and wanting at the moment. I can't stand seeing her like this. I want to go to her. I stay anchored where I stand.
"Janet, I was scared. You and Cassie had come to mean so much to me. Almost too much. I was scared of losing you. I thought if I withdrew, losing you wouldn't be so hard. I was frightened at how intense it had all gotten. You know me, I have a hard time opening up and talking about my feelings. I couldn't tell you how much you meant to me. I panicked and I ran way."
She's still talking. I can hear the fear in her voice. She thinks its over. That we are over. Oh Sam, I want you so much.
"And now I've lost you Janet. I am so sorry. And I've lost Daniel"
I can't keep this pretence up anymore. I have to tell her the truth. I want her, full-stop.
"Sam, listen to me. Please come here. Let's sit on the couch."
She turns towards me but hesitates...
"Please, Sam... please."
She's walking over, arms tightly held across her chest. She looks so lost. Her eyes though, her eyes are so expressive and tell how much she does love me, they do. How could I ever have thought to give that up?
"Sam, Daniel was everything I could have wanted in a man. He was good, kind, considerate, and brilliant with Cassie. A wonderful, wonderful friend. But I tried that circus ride before and found that wasn't for me...didn't get the brass ring..."
Confused, she looks at me, her gaze leaving her hands held tightly in her lap.
"What are you saying Janet?"
"I don't want a man, I want a woman Sam. I want you, always have, always will. Don't you know that? Together we can get through anything... I know you're scared. So am I. But together - you and me... we can be invincible. No one can hurt us if we make a united front. Sam, I never thought it possible to love someone as much as I love you!"
It dawns on her what I'm saying. I can see it in her eyes. The spark is coming back, starting to brighten... Those eyes! God - I could drown in those eyes. She hesitantly leans forward. So do I. Our lips meet half way. Oh my, those lips are like nectar. I've missed this feeling so much. I've missed her so much. She pulls back a little.
"I'm so sorry Janet. I promise to try and tell you what I am feeling from now on."
"That's all I'm asking for now Sam. I'm sorry too!"
She leans into me again, this time more confidant. I don't think I could ever tire of the feeling of her... soft, sweet kisses turn into more... I lay back on the couch and pull her with me... ooohhh... things are starting to heat up... God I want.... I want so much!
February 14th 2003
Janet laughed out loud as she drove up the road to their house. I tried that circus ride before and found that wasn't for me...didn't get the brass ring... God, it sounds like a line from a bad lesbian movie, where in the world did that come from? She smiled inwardly as she remembered how they had had the desired effect.
It had been a long hard pull, nine months of getting to know each other properly and in much more detail. Again she smiled to herself as she pondered the night ahead. They had talked at length about both their insecurities, and realized that what they shared was far more important than the little niggles that still persisted. Sure it was hard to hide their feelings for each other on base, but it was nice to see each other day in day out. They knew they had Cassie as a sort of smokescreen, after all the parents of a child are supposed to do family things together aren't they. So, really life was good. They had just grown more and more comfortable with each other and now knew this was the relationship they had both been looking for throughout their lives. There would be problems, but they were now pulling as one, and would get through them.
Janet arrived at the house, seeing Sam was already home, she couldn't stop the grin that spread across her face. Walking slowly towards the house she realized that this feeling was really what people meant by coming home. She opened the door quietly and hearing no sound shouted out.
"I'm home, anybody about?"
She heard the voice of her beloved from the kitchen.
"In here Janet. Cassie has gone off with Dominic, saying she thought we needed time alone on Valentines. I get the impression she might enjoy herself too. Don't worry I gave her the fatherly lecture, she'll be fine."
Looking at Sam, Janet realized she was deep in cooking utensils, and could smell her favorite dish cooking away on the stove. Walking towards Sam she was happy.
"I love you, Sam. Thank-you for being here."
"There is nowhere else I want to be, Janet. I love you."
As their lips met in silent affirmation of the love they shared, both Sam and Janet knew this would be the most perfect Valentine's day ever.
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