DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
SEQUEL/SERIES: This story follows A Dream Can Come True, Believe, Wonderful, Like Someone In Love and I Scare Myself.
SOUNDTRACK: Lamb "This girl's in Heaven" from the album "Lamb."
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author

This Girl's in Heaven
By Celievamp

As Janet and I tucked Cassie into bed in her own room in Janet's house it struck me. This would be Cassie's life from now on. I stood back, leaning against the door jamb as Janet sat on the edge of the bed, stroking Cassie's hair. My little friend looked past her at me and I gave her an encouraging smile. I watched as she settled into the pillow and closed her eyes. She was going to be just fine.

I, however, was dealing with some pretty mixed feelings. I had really opened Pandora's box when I became so attached to Cassie. I'll never ever regret what I did but I'm damn lucky I'm not up on charges. It's going to take me a while, if ever, to get over the emotional impact of the last couple of weeks. And how its changed what was just beginning between Janet and I.

Janet got up and I moved into the hallway. Janet left the bedroom door slightly ajar so that we would hear if Cassie got restless during the night. First night in her new home combined with everything she'd been through the last few weeks and nightmares were a distinct probability. I was in the spare bedroom almost directly opposite, Janet's bedroom was at the other end of the hall. It would take all of my self control to let Janet go to her first if Cassie did cry out, but I knew I had to do it.

Janet was her mother now. I was… what, a friend of the family at worst, an honorary aunt at best. I had applied to adopt Cassie but had been rejected immediately. My active status and working hours would make it impossible to provide the care and attention she needed. Janet's hours might be only slightly less hectic but at least she was on Earth.

I didn't fight the decision. I had first hand experience of the kind of lifestyle that I could offer Cassie and I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone.

I followed Janet downstairs into the den. She flopped onto the couch and let out a huge sigh. "Well that went better than I thought it might."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "You're great with her, Janet. A couple of weeks and it `ll be like she never lived anywhere else." Cassie had been opening out to Janet all day as more evidence of her thoughtfulness and real affection and care for the girl had come to light: the way Janet had decorated her room, the toys and games she had bought, letting Cassie choose what and where we would eat that evening. Allowing me to be included in almost every process. Janet got the final say of course, but that was only right. That was how it should be.

I should consider myself lucky that I had what I did, I told myself. Cassie could have been shipped off anywhere and I might never have seen her again.

Janet was watching me. I figured I'd probably been silent a little too long. "Sorry, went off on a mental tangent there."

"I could see," Janet said softly. "Hun, you know that you're welcome here any time, don't you. To see Cassie – or me. What we have between us is wonderful but it's still so new and now there's Cassie to consider…"

I had expected this as well. Thank God she was practical and direct. It would have taken me days to formulate that argument. "I agree," I said. "We should cool things…"

"No, that's not what I'm saying," Janet said, reaching out to take my hand. "We'll have to be careful around her at first, of course. I don't know what the Hankan morality code entails. I want you in my life, Sam, as fully and as openly as possible. But if you're having second thoughts I quite understand."

She understood, yes, but it was hurting her terribly. Even with my impacted social skills I could tell that.

"I'll be here for both of you, Janet, don't worry." I had to tell her the truth. She was willing to risk everything to be in a relationship with me. "I had a not so great childhood and… well, I'd never do anything that might cause Cassie further grief."

"Would talking help? I know so little about you Sam, and that's something I've wanted to remedy for a long time but we've never had the time to just sit down together like this."

I nodded, took a deep breath. I could do this. I could talk about myself to my lover. The silence stretched out. She sat next to me, her hands curved over mine, her thumbs gently stroking along the ridge of my knuckles. I could do this…

"My mum died when I was just a little older than Cassie is now." I look into her eyes. They're warm, comforting, they urge me to go on. "I was baking cookies when dad came home and told me. She died in a car crash, dad was supposed to pick her up, he was late, she took a taxi and there was an accident. After that I was pretty much alone. Dad went off on mission after mission - I was lucky if he came home twice a year. And when he did, it was as if it hurt him to look at me. My brother Mark was older than me. He got out as soon as he could and never really came back. This is the first time, the first place that I've really felt like I was part of a family since… since I was Cassie's age, I suppose. Which is why I could never be angry with you for taking her in when I wasn't allowed to. What I suppose I'm saying is that I really hope you'll let me be a part of your lives, even if I'm not, if we're not…" I shuddered, falling silent as the enormity of what I was saying overcame me. "If you don't… that's what I meant when… if you think I'd be too disruptive for Cassie, I quite understand. My dad… my dad told me I was difficult to love, that I had been a mistake."

"What?" Janet's tone was incredulous. "He didn't really want another child after Mark, and certainly not a daughter. I… I…" I froze as Janet's arms were securely around me, the intensity of the hug stealing my breath.

"Sam, don't you ever think that! I can't bring up Cassie without you, Sam. She loves you so much, you saved her life after all when you went against orders to stay with her in the bunker. Cassie still doesn't know me very well, she may grow to love me in time but she loves you now. She needs you now. I need you, Sam. I love you. And your dad was wrong. You are very easy to love. And your presence in my life, in Cassie's life is not a mistake. It's a blessing."

If I ever get to meet Sam's father my first instinct would be to drop kick him into the middle of next week. How dare he treat anyone like that, least of all his own daughter! No wonder…

Now I know what's really been bothering her since Cassie came into our lives. It wasn't just that she was sore at me for being allowed to adopt Cassie whilst she was refused permission. It was all the abandonment issues from her mother's death and her father's estrangement. It explains so much about her, her walls, her occasionally abject social skills, her incredible capacity for love. If only I could make her see that about herself. But she'll always see herself as the mirror of her father. All these years she's tried to be the good soldier and gain his respect and love. All these years denying herself, her happiness.

I've never met the man and I hate him with a passion.

I meant what I said about needing her help every step of the way with Cassie. She's not a little child, she's on the verge of being a teenager and she's going to assimilate our culture fast. You can see that it's in her nature. A couple of years and she's going to be a typical stroppy teen. And I won't have the depth of knowledge, the bond with her to be of as much help with her as I will probably need. Sam is a great role model for her. Better than Jack O'Neill at any rate.

I need Sam for Cassie's sake. And for mine. The panic that went through me when she just intimated that perhaps it would be better if we pulled away from each other. I need her. I need her in my life.

I get up, she looks up at me, startled out of her reverie. Good. I straddle her thighs, my hands on her shoulders pushing her back against the cushions of the couch. I kiss her, taking my time, savouring the taste and texture of her. At first she's almost passive, but that does not last long as the intensity of our exchanges grows exponentially. Her eyes have drifted closed, opening slowly as I abandon her lips and kiss my way down the line of her jaw and down her throat, pausing at those places I know have some sort of chi line straight to her centre. She gasps, her back arching, her fingers, which have been teasing up and down my ribcage for some time grip at me almost convulsively.

I raise myself up so that I am looking down on her, her face tilted up towards me, her eyes dark with passion. "You are loved," I told her solemnly. "You are wanted." She reached up to caress my cheek, my own hands framing her beautiful face. "You are not your father." I admit that wasn't the best mental image ever, but I got my point across.

Her smile was like the sun rising. I felt my own smile break out in response. This was everything I could have hoped for. This was heaven.

The End

GOLD Lamb (Lamb)

Stay with me forever and a day if I could be near you
For a lifetime I'd never want for anything
Hearing your voice is like icicles down my spine
And touching your warm skin
Starts electric storms
Through my mind.

You put a strength in me
I knew something was missing
Just take me everywhere you go
This girl's in heaven

Feeling this way about someone like you
Couldn't be clearer, or dearer, or so overdue
So sure so pure
So much what I was looking for
Here are you filling up my life
My life
You put a strength in me
I knew something was missing
Just take me everywhere you go
This girl's in heaven
Life is light in everything about you
When you're as one, everything I touch is gold
I couldn't be in a better place
Than to be around
This girl's in heaven

You put a strength in me
I knew something was missing
Just take me everywhere you go

You put a strength in me
I knew something was missing
Just take me everywhere you go
This girl's in heaven

Return to Stargate Fiction

Return to Main Page