DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
SEQUEL: Companion piece to TV Femmes Anonymous.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

TV Butches Anonymous
By ralst


A thunderous banging resounded throughout the room and captured the attention of every woman seated at the table. Xena rose, snarled at the two interlopers from Sunnydale, and began her opening address.

"I called this meeting of TV Butches Anonymous to discuss the upcoming holiday season."

"Bloody Valentine's," Nikki grumbled.

Olivia shook her head in agreement. "It's getting worse than Christmas."

"Don't mention Christmas," Faith fumed. "You don't know you're born until you've tried to buy a gift for a Jewish, pagan witch who's got more mojo than friggin' God."

"And also happens to be someone else's girlfriend," Buffy spat.

Three seconds later the two women were throwing punches and vowing to feed each other to the nearest Hellmouth.

"Frak me!" Kara emptied a handy bucket of water on the squabbling slayers. "At least you've got someone to buy gifts for. Try being a butch surrounded by butches and the femmes who out butch them."

Xena coughed to cover an unseemly laugh. "Can we please get back to business?"

"I don't see what's wrong with candy and flowers," Olivia sighed. "It's traditional."

"Yeah, about as traditional as getting a box of chocolates thrown in your face and pulling rose thorns out of your arse." Nikki squirmed in her seat, the memory surprisingly fresh despite the two years since her first Valentine's Day with Helen post-Larkhall.

"How about a cruise?" Ivanova suggested.

Xena shuddered. "Gabrielle would kill me."

"Alex would kill me," Olivia agreed.

"How come," asked Nikki. "I thought she liked cruises?"

"She did." A sigh escaped Olivia as she remembered the ten glorious days they'd spent in their cabin discovering just how energetic you could be in a three foot wide berth. "But ever since she returned from WPP she's refused to leave New York. She won't even go to Coney Island."

"I guess I could take Will to that computer fair." Buffy pulled out a rumpled flyer and passed it to a baffled looking Xena.

Faith snorted. "Really romantic."

"She loves computers."

"She loves women in tight leather, but I don't see you buying her a hooker."

"Why does she need a hooker when she's got you?"

The whole room tensed and all eyes turned to Faith as they awaited an explosion that never came.

"You're right, B, when it comes to the sex I've got it covered."

Buffy launched herself at the younger slayer, only to be restrained by five exasperated TV butches.

"Will you two shut it!" Olivia snapped the computer flyer from Buffy's hand and tore it into eighty-four equally sized pieces.

Everyone retook their seats.

"So, have our ladies made any special requests this year?" Xena asked.

"Talia wants a surprise."

"Helen too."

"Alex makes three."

Buffy scowled. "Willow refused to talk about it with 'her' in the room."

"She wants a surprise," Faith said. "She whispered it to me in bed last night."

"She did not!"

"Stop it!" Kara pointed her sidearm at the slayers. "I have two Cylons, one President and two trainee pilots all expecting me to surprise them, and I need some frakking help!"

Susan passed her fellow star traveller a tissue, as they all pretended not to have seen the tears glistening in Kara's eyes.

"This was so much easier when I was femme," Buffy lamented.

Six pairs of eyes turned to the diminutive blonde.

"Cheerleading outfits, nail polish and a boy of the week to fulfil my every whim."

Six mouths opened in astonishment.

"Waking up to chocolate hearts and tiny teddy bears with 'I Heart You' banners."

Six pairs of hands rubbed together as they watched the short blonde figure fly through the air towards the exit.

Xena turned to Faith. "The witch girl is all yours."

"Can we get back to the surprises?" Olivia studied her wristwatch. "Alex is expecting me to browbeat a suspect and ravish her senseless in an hour."

Nikki looked thoughtful. "Maybe that's it."

"What's it?" Xena urged.


That caught everyone's attention.

"How about we forget all this flowers and chocolates crap and just give them what they really want. Sex."

Xena looked dubious. Susan looked thoughtful. Kara looked petrified.

"You really think they're gonna put out without gifts?" Faith asked.

A devilish smile alighted Nikki's face. "Sure, all we have to do is make the sex the surprise."

"How?" Echoed the remaining women.

"I don't know," Nikki huffed. "Try doing it somewhere unexpected or unusual."

"Done it all already." Xena preened.

"So no handcuffs?" Olivia asked.

"An orgy?" Kara mused.

The five other women turned to Kara, a wistful smile on each of their faces as they remembered the days before they'd met the other half of their OTP.

"It won't work," said Susan. "Talia knows we're going to be having sex. No matter how different I make it, it still won't be a surprise."

"How about if you don't have sex? I know that would surprise the hell outta Alex."

Everyone turned to stare at Olivia.

"Cops," Nikki muttered.

"Are you insane!" Xena demanded. "You forget we've all met Alex. She'll kill you."

"Chop you into tiny little pieces." Susan agreed.

"And feed your entrails to the poor." Faith added. "Just before getting some from one of those CSI girls."

Olivia gulped. "Sara promised she'd never..."

"Uh huh." Xena waggled an impressive eyebrow. "But what about Catherine? Or Sofia? Or one of those cute DNA girls?"

Olivia hit her head against the table. "What was I thinking?"

Out of a sense of solidarity the other TV Butches decided not to comment.

"It's getting late," said Xena. "I suggest we call it a day and meet back here tomorrow, our ladies permitting, and work through a few more ideas."

The other women nodded in agreement before filing out through the door. A muttered 'I hate Valentine's' following in their wake.

The End

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