DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
SEQUEL: Companion piece to TV Butches Anonymous.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

TV Femmes Anonymous
By ralst


The small gavel tapped repeatedly against the tabletop, gradually earning its wielder the attention of everybody in the room. Gabrielle smiled prettily at the women gathered before her, an especially big smile directed at the two blonde newcomers lurking in the corner.

"I call this meeting of TV Femmes Anon..."

"Objection!" Alex interrupted.

Helen sighed. "Here she goes again."

"I would once again like to object to the term 'femme'," Alex began. "Not only does it perpetuate the dualistic..."

"Enough!" Laura Roslin glowered at the attorney. "I don't care what we call ourselves. I just want to know what you plan on doing about the holidays."

"I love Valentine's," Willow sighed. "My favourite candy and rose petals floating about the room."

"Flowers and chocolates? If Nikki tries that again she'll be sleeping on the couch for a month."

Alex nodded. "I always get suspicious when Olivia sends me flowers."

"Oh?" Catherine piped up. "Does she play away from home?"


Helen laughed. "Olivia's so whipped she can't even look at another woman without getting permission first."

"She is not," Alex defended.

"Count yourself lucky," Catherine growled, her sharp eyed gaze turned menacingly towards Sofia. "Some women prey on hapless butches."

"Give me a break." Sofia adjusted the empty gun holster at her side, a mumbled "I'm a butch, for God's sake, I shouldn't even be here."

Gabrielle shrugged. "Can we please get back to the matter at hand?"

"And I don't see why you always get to chair these meetings," Alex groused. "I'm the one with legal training."

"But I'm the oldest." Gabrielle crossed her arms and traded glowers with Alex.

"So, Valentine's?" Willow half-smiled, her fingers itching to invoke a little 'happiness' spell.

Sofia looked towards the door, wishing she'd gone with Sara to the 'bloods and fluids' seminar, rather than attend this meeting. She would have too if Grissom hadn't been one of the keynote speakers. "I don't get why we're here. What's so special about Valentine's?"

There was a collective inhalation of breath.

"How can you say that?" Helen demanded.

"Valentine's is the second most important date of the year!" Alex insisted.

"Even the Cylons send each other Valentine's gifts," Laura agreed.

Several heads turned in Laura's direction as they remembered the previous meeting, where the President of the Thirteen Colonies had ejected some long legged blonde from the building, muttering something about toasters and Viper cockpits.

"I called this meeting," Gabrielle intervened, "so that we could avoid the travesty that was last year's Valentine's Day."

A Mexican wave of nodding heads travelled the room until it reached Sofia.

"What was so wrong with last year?"

Alex sighed. "WPP and a man named Ricky trying to buy me drinks."

"A visit from the God of War, a fallen angel and a bunch of Valkyries all looking to get lucky with my woman."

"Having to drive Buffy and Faith to the hospital after they threw each other through a window when they noticed they'd bought me the same black, silk teddy."

"Kara fainted."

Catherine's sigh made Alex's sound positively jovial. "Sara forgot, again."

"No she didn't," Sofia smirked.

Catherine shrieked and jumped on the other blonde, fists flying.

"Enough!" Laura motioned for Willow to empty a handy bucket of water over the arguing pair.

Alex turned on Gabrielle. "See! Punches and kicks! Not hair pulling and scratches. Hardly femme behaviour."

Several pairs of eyes rolled.

"All I want for Valentine's is twenty-four hours alone with Faith and several cans of whipped cream," Willow insisted. "Is that too much to ask?"

Helen's eyelids fluttered closed. "Chocolate syrup."

"Handcuffs and Champagne," Alex moaned.

"Handcuffs, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and Champagne," Sofia sighed.

Catherine shrieked. "You bitch!"

Five pairs of hands reached out and managed to keep Catherine seated in her chair.


All eyes turned to Gabrielle.

"Chocolates, fancy underwear and string quartets are all nice but if we're honest the only thing we really want is sex." Gabrielle smiled. "Lots and lots of sex."

For once everyone in the room was in agreement.

"So how do we make sure we get it?" Catherine asked.

All eyes turned to Gabrielle.

She looked at the wall clock. "I think that's a discussion for another day." At the hint of discontent she added, "Xena is expecting me home at one to share a bubble bath."

Murmurs of agreement.

"If I go back now Buffy and Faith will be all sweaty from their workout."

Laura raised an imperious brow. "Kara needs disciplining for her latest little stunt."

"Nikki was wearing her black t-shirt this morning."

"Sara should be out of that seminar by now," Sofia contemplated.

Catherine closed and locked the room's door in Sofia's face, "And I'm going to get there first", she shouted through the door.

The End

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