DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The Xena Competition in question.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

I Hereby Call this Meeting to Order
By ralst


Easing shut the door to the conference room, Alex Cabot turned a weary eye on the assembled group of femslash characters; they were a motley group, and not the type she would normally rely on to watch her back, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Can I have your attention please!" she called in her best - one day I'm going to be the first openly gay President of the United States - voice. "Ladies!"

The group as a whole quietened down and began looking expectantly amongst themselves for the first signs of trouble. After two minutes without incident, Scribbs called out, "Where's Gabrielle? Shouldn't she be objecting or something?"

Catherine reached for her kit. "You haven't killed her, have you?"

Several hands reached for their gun, while Ash and Scribbs settled for brandishing wicked looking night-sticks.

"Now it's getting interesting," Chase hissed. "I love it when these things turn bloody."

"Of course I haven't killed her," Alex insisted. "Olivia, tell them!"

Olivia looked up from her book and mumbled a bored sounding, "Gabby's not dead", before returning to the wonderful world of Jane Austen.

"Then where is she?" Helen demanded. "And why's the bar closed!"

"The bar's closed?" Faith looked at Alex with disgust. "First she wouldn't let me drink because I was underage, and now she's gone and closed the bar? This is fiscalism."

"Fascism," Willow corrected.

"That too."

"I didn't close the bar!" Alex wasn't stupid, she knew denying these women alcohol could only lead to trouble. "They're still restocking after Helen's... I mean, our last visit."

"Did you remember to order the O neg.?" Chase demanded. "I refuse to drink that artificial swill that Willow invented. It gives me gas."

"It does," Krista agreed.

"We're not here to talk about the bar!" Alex longed for her gavel, but Gabrielle had stolen it during one of their earlier meetings. "This is important!"

"Then where's Gabrielle?" Several of the women demanded.

"Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Gabrielle! I am sick and tired of that damn woman!" Alex's hands shook as she banged them against the table, her flash of insane shrieks raising Olivia from her book and bringing a smile to more than one face. "Not everything revolves around Gabrielle, you know."

"There, there." Olivia patted her gently on the back before returning, once again, to her book.

Helen had been patiently waiting for the bar to reopen but the high pitched shriek had forced her to look up from where she'd been nibbling on Nikki's ear. "Then why are we here?"

"It's Gabrielle," Alex admitted.

Scribbs turned to her partner. "I thought she said -"

"Shhh." Ash urged. "Or we'll never get out of here."

Sofia peeked over Olivia's shoulder, wishing she'd thought to bring a book; only to have Sara smack her on the behind when she mistook her love of literature for a love of looking down other women's tops. "Hey!"

Willow took out her notepad and pen. "What about Gabrielle?"

Alex smiled in appreciation; gratified to know that at least one person was taking her seriously, even if it was one of the magic and undead believing freaks. "She's been given her own competition."

"A what-now?" Buffy peered over Willow's shoulder, her apparent interest in the redhead's notes an excuse to look down her top. "Hey!" she squeaked, as Faith hit her upside the head. "I was perving, here. Do you mind!"

"It has prizes and everything!" Alex interrupted before the two slayers could start brawling and ruin yet another meeting. "Prizes! Do you know what that means?"

"Was that a rhetorical question, do you think?" Krista asked Chase.

"Who knows." Chase had been too busy playing guess the blood type to pay much attention to the blonde's ravings. "I'm starving."

"We'll never hear the end of it!" Alex clarified.

"That's what you said about the extended fandom of the month," Nikki reminded her. "And the age debate."

"And the gavel incident," Helen added.

"Not to mention the whole OTP thing," said Sofia.

"And the hair debacle," Catherine chimed in.

"Blondes do not belong together!" Alex seethed, momentarily distracted. "It's against the laws of femslash nature!"

"Nature my arse," Scribbs mumbled. "She's just been paranoid ever since that Casey woman started dying her hair."

Alex's eyes went wide at the mention of her other nemesis but she refrained from frothing at the mouth on this one occassion. "Can we please stick to the matter at hand."

"The bar?"

"The blondes?"

"The blood?"

"The competition!" Alex stomped her foot and began to contemplate throwing herself on the het bandwagon; anything to escape the madwomen she'd surrounded herself with. "We have to stop it."

"Stop it?" Willow looked down at her notepad, which already contained the first four hundred words of her entry. "And miss out on a prize?"

"You can't enter!" Alex tried to snatch the notepad but she was no match for two overly protective slayers. "Give it to me!"

"No!" Willow scratched out the last line of her entry and replaced it with 'and then Xena killed all the blonde lawyers' before recapping her pen and smiling defiantly at Alex. "I'm good at competitions."

"She is," Buffy agreed.

"You're missing the point." Alex would have screamed the last part but she was beginning to give up hope. It looked like she was doomed to forever be in Gabrielle's shadow, unless... "You don't think the het bunch would make me have sex with Cragen, do you?"

The End

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