DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything
else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions
etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and
no copyright infringement is intended.
SEQUEL/SERIES: This story follows A Dream Can Come True, Believe, Wonderful, Like Someone In Love, I Scare Myself, This Girl's in Heaven, In Perfect Dreams, So Happy with You, Always and Forever and An Angle Smile Upon Me.
SOUNDTRACK: Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachan, from the
album `Surfacing'
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author
Do What You Have to Do
By Celievamp
Janet
By the time you read this I will have gone through the wormhole. With the information Daniel brought back through the Quantum Mirror, we believe that we have a very small window of opportunity to stop Apophis before what happened on that other Earth happens here. And we are agreed on the mission even though we will be performing an illegal action without orders and going technically AWOL. So one way or another, this is probably the end of my military career.
By circumstance this may well be a suicide mission. We have no intel on where we are going except that it is one of Apophis's strongholds. We aim to do as much damage as we can to his efforts to claim and conquer Earth. Even if we survive it is unlikely that we will make it home. If General Hammond follows protocol our codes will be locked out. So this may well be goodbye.
There is so much that I want to say to you that time and circumstance won't allow. Our time together has been very precious to me. You and Cassie mean everything to me and I truly wish it did not have to be this way. But this is to my mind the best way to keep you and Cassie safe. And if I can do that then my death will have some meaning.
Give Cassie a kiss and a hug from me. Try to explain why I've done this as best you can. You were always better at that kind of thing than me anyway. Know that I carry your memory and your image in my heart wherever I go and I hope that when we do meet again you will forgive me for the pain I have caused you now.
Yours Always
Sam.
I read it over once more then instructed the email programme to send the message about two minutes after we were scheduled to go through the Gate. I wish I could have talked to her in person, even just seen her one last time but I can't afford the emotional cost of that. Just writing that message, quite possibly my last message to her had left my eyes burning with unshed tears. My chest felt unnaturally constricted and I haven't felt this conflicted since that awful day when I was ordered to leave Cassie in the bunker.
I pick up the small picture in the understated black leather frame from its pride of place on my desk. My almost-daughter and my best friend. My daughter and my lover. I'm doing this for them, I tell myself again. To keep them safe. And I will come back to you. I promise. I will always come back to you. Because I don't know how to let you go.
I've been on missions before – during the Gulf War. Going through the Gate since I joined the Stargate project. But for the first time in a long time I feel as if I'm leaving something important behind.
I read her email again, let my finger follow the words on the screen filling in the spaces between them. I know what she wanted to say but could not. I am in the same position. I love her so much and I am so proud of her for doing this and yet at the same time I want to hit her for being so stupid. For leaving me behind.
I try to get my mind around the fact that I might never see her again. It hurts. It hurts so much. Quickly, I get up, lock my office door and turn off the lights. My back to the door I sink to the floor and let it go.
I don't know how long I sat there crying. Long enough to get thoroughly chilled from the bare cold concrete beneath me. Long enough for my staff to get concerned. Long enough for General Hammond himself to come looking for me, an amazing gesture considering how many other far more important things must have been occupying his time.
Alerted that he was on his way down to see me I had tidied myself up a little and was sitting at my desk.
"The address they jumped to is no longer active," he told me. "We don't know why. The best our science people can come up with is that Captain Carter may have disabled the Gate at that end. Our Gate is working fine. We have managed to establish contact with Cimmeria and the Land of Light with no problems."
My shift had ended an hour or more ago. I had to get home for Cassie. I had to tell Cassie… how was I going to tell Cassie? Sam was the world to her. The world to me. I don't know how much of what I was feeling was apparent from my expression.
"I've known Sam Carter since she was born, Doctor Fraiser. Did you know that?" he said. Numb, I shook my head. Sam rarely talked about her past, her family. "I've watched her grow up into a remarkable young woman. If she has a failing it's that she's kept her distance from people. She hasn't connected. Lately though, since she… especially since you, Doctor, joined this command, I've noticed a change in her…"
I did not dare look at him. He knew. We thought we had been careful. But General Hammond knew. How many other people?
"… she will make it back. Because she has someone to come home for, now." The General glanced at his watch and sighed. "And I have a conference call with the Chiefs of Staff in ten minutes. I'm going to have one last try at persuading them to take Dr Jackson's warning seriously. And I do believe that your duty shift is over, Doctor. You should get home to your daughter."
I nodded. "Yes sir. Thank you."
"Thank you, Dr Fraiser. I don't think I've told you how much your presence has added to this Command." And with that he left me to my thoughts again.
I picked up the small photo in its silver frame from its place next to the computer monitor on my desk. My daughter and my best friend. My daughter and the love of my life.
"You'd better come home," I told her softly. "You just have to, Sam. I just realised that you mean the world to me. I can't let you go. Not yet. Not ever. I don't know how to let you go."
The End
Do What You Have To Do – Sarah McLachan, Surfacing
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go